I swear my life needs to be a TV show or a movie...I'm gonna start working on it, I promise. And I'm sure, just by the title your already wondering. *LOL* WTF Sharp, so here goes another crazy hmmmm, situation maybe better word circumstance...
Soooo, I was not remotely interested in Facebook...but my best friend opened my account and I have since reconnected with lots of old friends, have networked with some cool fashion industry folks, and have connected with some new friends as well. I get all type of friend requests and try to be pretty selective about who I confirm. When I get inbox messages I always ask the who are you, how do I know you, how did I meet you etc. I also get the general compliments here and there. So, I'm use to the whole facebook friends and even facebook crush thing.
But a message that I wasn't ready for was..."you are beautiful. and my friend has a huge crush on you. we would love to get to know you, spoil you and fulfill your fantasies. please reply if your interested" OK, OK, OK....I know you're probably thinking. Hell no and WTF"! and would have defriended them immediately. Yeah, I know. But I sometimes walk on the wild side and I have to admit I was very intrigued.... So, I replied. *LMAO*
We have in boxed back and forth a few times, eventually exchanged e-mails and I have their numbers... Guess the ball is in my court to actually call. *LOL*...The e-mails were all very informative and they both happen to be really cute (
Of course I asked for pictures). Oh, so are you wondering about the couple and what the 3 sum would entail...2 guys and me? 1 guy, his chic and me? Can you believe 2 chics want to have a 3SUM with me?!?! *LMAO* WOW, my life...I swear I can't make this shit up!!!!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Comfortable
On a Sunday afternoon, a friend and I are chilling and she gets a call (from her boo)... After the call she quickly interrupts our outing and informs me that we had to get back to her house so she could shower and roll out to her boos house. During the phone call, her boo did say that she didn't have to shower and could just shower at his house. She explained that we were together, that my car was at her house and that it only made sense for her to freshen up at her house. I mention that it was a Sunday, because she proceeded to pack an over night bag. She had planned to spend the night and go to work from his house.
Another friend, just recently started seeing this guy. She has spent the night a few times, but quickly runs out of his house early in the morning to avoid the morning breath encounter. I thought this was absolutely hilarious!!!! I had never thought about it before, and actually have no problem kissing my baby in the morning. I think he almost did/does it on purpose... I think it means something. But anyway. So I asked her, why don't you just get a toothbrush. But she is hell bent against it, saying she doesn't want to force anything on him?!?! Hmmmm, So I started thinking... then who gets the toothbrush and when?
Even funnier, One of my very best friends; who happens to be married...still doesn't pass gas in front of her husband. And she uses the bathroom in the basement to take a shit, away from him. HILARIOUS!!!! WTF?!?! I'm thinking to myself 'ya'll are married'... They have shared the most intimate and probably nastiest situations with one another, but she can't flatuate or excremate around him?
And of course All of those scenarios got me to thinking.... *laughing like shit* What is the amount of time that it is OK to shower at your boos house? or yours for that matter? And when is it OK to start bringing a change of clothes? Or leave clothes at their house. Does the boo then get their own drawer and/or closet space? And then what does all that mean? And when is it appropriate to really have a toothbrush at your boos house? If the girl buys it for either house, does it mean she's being too aggressive and moving too fast or just wants either of them to have fresh breath, before that morning kiss. But if he buys the toothbrush or refuses...what does that mean? And last but not least, the whole flatuating and/or excremenating around your boo. When is OK to flatuate around your boo or just the opposite sex for that matter. What about having to REALLY use the bathroom at their house? When is it OK? DO you tell or warn them, to avoid the awkward situation of them walking in after you and taking a whiff?!
As for me...clothes at his house are not a huge deal. I guess having at least a change of underwear is pretty important, but not that serious. I suppose if I know I'm staying and have something really important to do the next day, I may shower and bring a change of clothes or leave really early. However, a toothbrush at his house (to me) has NOTHING to do with rushing things or a commitment. A toothbrush simply means, I want to brush my teeth in the morning! And I try not to pass gas or do #2 around my boo, just don't think it's lady like. But I do think I pass gas in my sleep. *LOL* He's never said anything though, but I think I do. Oh, and it took me over 2 years to actually use the bathroom at his house. It just seemed weird and even to this day... I use the bathroom in the basement.
I mean when are you ever really comfortable?
Another friend, just recently started seeing this guy. She has spent the night a few times, but quickly runs out of his house early in the morning to avoid the morning breath encounter. I thought this was absolutely hilarious!!!! I had never thought about it before, and actually have no problem kissing my baby in the morning. I think he almost did/does it on purpose... I think it means something. But anyway. So I asked her, why don't you just get a toothbrush. But she is hell bent against it, saying she doesn't want to force anything on him?!?! Hmmmm, So I started thinking... then who gets the toothbrush and when?
Even funnier, One of my very best friends; who happens to be married...still doesn't pass gas in front of her husband. And she uses the bathroom in the basement to take a shit, away from him. HILARIOUS!!!! WTF?!?! I'm thinking to myself 'ya'll are married'... They have shared the most intimate and probably nastiest situations with one another, but she can't flatuate or excremate around him?
And of course All of those scenarios got me to thinking.... *laughing like shit* What is the amount of time that it is OK to shower at your boos house? or yours for that matter? And when is it OK to start bringing a change of clothes? Or leave clothes at their house. Does the boo then get their own drawer and/or closet space? And then what does all that mean? And when is it appropriate to really have a toothbrush at your boos house? If the girl buys it for either house, does it mean she's being too aggressive and moving too fast or just wants either of them to have fresh breath, before that morning kiss. But if he buys the toothbrush or refuses...what does that mean? And last but not least, the whole flatuating and/or excremenating around your boo. When is OK to flatuate around your boo or just the opposite sex for that matter. What about having to REALLY use the bathroom at their house? When is it OK? DO you tell or warn them, to avoid the awkward situation of them walking in after you and taking a whiff?!
As for me...clothes at his house are not a huge deal. I guess having at least a change of underwear is pretty important, but not that serious. I suppose if I know I'm staying and have something really important to do the next day, I may shower and bring a change of clothes or leave really early. However, a toothbrush at his house (to me) has NOTHING to do with rushing things or a commitment. A toothbrush simply means, I want to brush my teeth in the morning! And I try not to pass gas or do #2 around my boo, just don't think it's lady like. But I do think I pass gas in my sleep. *LOL* He's never said anything though, but I think I do. Oh, and it took me over 2 years to actually use the bathroom at his house. It just seemed weird and even to this day... I use the bathroom in the basement.
I mean when are you ever really comfortable?
Friday, June 25, 2010
Response to FollowerS
WOW!!! Who knew... that I even had that many followers. I got A LOT responses from my "What HE would get" blog (way too many to repost). Mostly, responses from men, which I didn't realize how many men readers I had. Thank you for letting me know you're out there and are interested. Unfortunately, like I've said in my previous blogs...I'm in such a bad place emotionally around love that though I have absolutely great qualities...I'm no good for anyone right now. HOWEVER, Men, I'll keep you posted *smiling* and *winking*. And ladies, thank you for your responses as well. I know that you too know your worth. We are queens! and if the men of your area don't know...they need to quickly recognize...they are missing out and will die LONELY!!!
So for the record...I promise I wasn't trying to advertise, it was just a blog. Thoughts go through my mind constantly about things that I experience, conversations I have or things that people say. Something clicks in my head and I think to myself.. other woman may have experienced the same thing or think about the same type things, but don't say anything; I am their voices...so I just say (blog) it out loud. I enjoy blogging, it's therapeutic and though I only personally know about 3 of my followers. It's nice to know that there are others that enjoy what I have to say. My "what HE would get" blog was really about my amazing dinner and eating it alone. It was about wanting to share it with someone who would appreciate the work that went into it. It was made with pure love. Something you would do for your LOVE. That blog was to comfort my lonely ego.
My blog....
A very close and important person in my life recently told me that they have shut down on talking to me about things because he didn't want his life on the world wide web. Additionally, he mentioned that one of my blogs was disloyal...so just typing these mere sentences have me cringing because I hate to upset the people that I love. I hate being in that catch 22 of my own happiness and not wanting to make who I love unhappy. But, my blog is for and about ME...MY feelings, MY thoughts, MY experiences. I realize it may involve others, but my intent is never to upset, offend or hurt anyone with my blogs. I had since considered to stop blogging... and then received my overwhelming responses to a silly blog about "me". Thank you... I'll keep blogging. I do fell hurt that he no longer wants to talk, share, and be naked with me...but I have used ALOT of discretion and feel that I remain loyal whether he believes it not.
THANK YOU Readers, THANK YOU FOLLOWERS!!!! More Sharp Life to come!!!
So for the record...I promise I wasn't trying to advertise, it was just a blog. Thoughts go through my mind constantly about things that I experience, conversations I have or things that people say. Something clicks in my head and I think to myself.. other woman may have experienced the same thing or think about the same type things, but don't say anything; I am their voices...so I just say (blog) it out loud. I enjoy blogging, it's therapeutic and though I only personally know about 3 of my followers. It's nice to know that there are others that enjoy what I have to say. My "what HE would get" blog was really about my amazing dinner and eating it alone. It was about wanting to share it with someone who would appreciate the work that went into it. It was made with pure love. Something you would do for your LOVE. That blog was to comfort my lonely ego.
My blog....
A very close and important person in my life recently told me that they have shut down on talking to me about things because he didn't want his life on the world wide web. Additionally, he mentioned that one of my blogs was disloyal...so just typing these mere sentences have me cringing because I hate to upset the people that I love. I hate being in that catch 22 of my own happiness and not wanting to make who I love unhappy. But, my blog is for and about ME...MY feelings, MY thoughts, MY experiences. I realize it may involve others, but my intent is never to upset, offend or hurt anyone with my blogs. I had since considered to stop blogging... and then received my overwhelming responses to a silly blog about "me". Thank you... I'll keep blogging. I do fell hurt that he no longer wants to talk, share, and be naked with me...but I have used ALOT of discretion and feel that I remain loyal whether he believes it not.
THANK YOU Readers, THANK YOU FOLLOWERS!!!! More Sharp Life to come!!!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
What HE would get...
I cooked an amazing dinner tonight (what I cooked is not important, just that I did cook a fantabulous meal and can cook like I should be a chef!) And today was a full day...I played taxi for my son, ran my business from my phone, drove a friend all the way to the furthest airport in the area (while chatting about the world cup), grabbed some groceries, consoled a crying friend, Oh and looked really cute while doing it all! Which got me to thinking... what a man would get with me...
And I promise I'm not being conceited, overly confidant, un-humble or DIVAish...just putting my GREAT qualities out there, cause I am in fact talented and blessed-to say the least. So here we go...
I am first and most important, an AMAZING mother! My children are great kids, well behaved, mannerable and smart. Oh and by the way go to phenomenal schools and kicking ass. I provide for them in the most spectacular and effective way that I sometimes have to step back and acknowledge my work. I encourage, motivate, support, discipline and nurture them at all times. They do me proud and I know they will take care of me when I won't be able to. So now that I have the (I would be a/am a) great mom thing outta the way...
I'm smart! Not just book smart with a college education smart, but street smart because I was raised by a crazy single mother (who had her own issues) in the hood, where I had to figure life out at 15. So, being in and from the hood, is comfortable to and for me. And I can handle my own. I obtained my college education while raising 2 kids and later went on to work on my masters. I can talk atoms, algebraic terms, Freud, Socrates, history, politics, and religion...So, smarts...is what I do!!!
I cook; Love to cook and do it well. I'm loyal; cheating is for losers. I clean and keep a clean home. I love sports; will watch and play any of them. And happen to be very competitive. I'm fun and funny; love a good sense of humor and love to laugh. I'm quite adventurous and up and open to whatever is in mind... But will and can also just chill at home. Oh and while at home...I like to please my man!!! take it how you want... I like sex! And happen to be pretty damn good at it too....
I'm a social butterfly and know my way around event planning and having a good time. I enjoy the cultural arts am familiar and enjoy many music genres. LOVE to dance. I'm a hopeless romantic, but fight it; fear of being hurt...so much rather just enjoy the party. I could go on in this area...
I've been told on more than enough occasions I'm attractive. So I guess, I'm cute... tall in height, slender in build. I have long and natural hair, which is quite versatile. I'm fair skin, inviting brown eyes and luscious full lips (so I've been told) and a winning smile. Sexy and confident...Yeah, model type...
So with all that said, I would say what he could get was pretty damn good. And yeah I know, I have issues like the next girl, shit like the next person. I'm not perfect, but who is. My issues are who make me ME! Shit, Love is not perfect, but loving the imperfections in the person you love.
But WOW, my dinner was so amazing I felt like sharing and thought about what he would get if I were his woman.
Yeah, like Beyonce'...Let me upgrade you.
And I promise I'm not being conceited, overly confidant, un-humble or DIVAish...just putting my GREAT qualities out there, cause I am in fact talented and blessed-to say the least. So here we go...
I am first and most important, an AMAZING mother! My children are great kids, well behaved, mannerable and smart. Oh and by the way go to phenomenal schools and kicking ass. I provide for them in the most spectacular and effective way that I sometimes have to step back and acknowledge my work. I encourage, motivate, support, discipline and nurture them at all times. They do me proud and I know they will take care of me when I won't be able to. So now that I have the (I would be a/am a) great mom thing outta the way...
I'm smart! Not just book smart with a college education smart, but street smart because I was raised by a crazy single mother (who had her own issues) in the hood, where I had to figure life out at 15. So, being in and from the hood, is comfortable to and for me. And I can handle my own. I obtained my college education while raising 2 kids and later went on to work on my masters. I can talk atoms, algebraic terms, Freud, Socrates, history, politics, and religion...So, smarts...is what I do!!!
I cook; Love to cook and do it well. I'm loyal; cheating is for losers. I clean and keep a clean home. I love sports; will watch and play any of them. And happen to be very competitive. I'm fun and funny; love a good sense of humor and love to laugh. I'm quite adventurous and up and open to whatever is in mind... But will and can also just chill at home. Oh and while at home...I like to please my man!!! take it how you want... I like sex! And happen to be pretty damn good at it too....
I'm a social butterfly and know my way around event planning and having a good time. I enjoy the cultural arts am familiar and enjoy many music genres. LOVE to dance. I'm a hopeless romantic, but fight it; fear of being hurt...so much rather just enjoy the party. I could go on in this area...
I've been told on more than enough occasions I'm attractive. So I guess, I'm cute... tall in height, slender in build. I have long and natural hair, which is quite versatile. I'm fair skin, inviting brown eyes and luscious full lips (so I've been told) and a winning smile. Sexy and confident...Yeah, model type...
So with all that said, I would say what he could get was pretty damn good. And yeah I know, I have issues like the next girl, shit like the next person. I'm not perfect, but who is. My issues are who make me ME! Shit, Love is not perfect, but loving the imperfections in the person you love.
But WOW, my dinner was so amazing I felt like sharing and thought about what he would get if I were his woman.
Yeah, like Beyonce'...Let me upgrade you.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
REMEMBERING Jacksonville
The best romantic experience of my life and I remember it like it happen yesterday...
He flew me into Jacksonville. I hadn't always remembered the city, we have been to a lot of places and have had a great time everywhere we went...so the cities sometimes run together. But recently confirmed, it was in fact Jacksonville. Anyway, he wasn't at the airport when I arrived and I figured he was just running late, like usual. He called to tell me that he was running later than he had planned, but he had sent me a car. Yep! I went outside and there stood a man with a big card with my name on it. *I thought that only happened in movies* :)
When I got to the hotel, he seemed hurried, was grabbing his golf clubs (because his golf game and chatting with friends had ran over) and apologized a few times for not being at the airport. When we got to the room and he opened the door, it all made sense. He in fact, sent the car to allow him to have more time to make his plan come together.
As I walked into the room I was over whelmed with happiness. I had falling in love with him all over again. There were candles and rose petals scattered throughout the room. Slow jams were playing on the iPod deck. He was prepared to run a bubble bath, with oils and rose petals. There were green M&M's in bowls (he had picked out all the other colors, because he knows I love the green M&M most), a fruit tray, wine, ice-cream and other random snacks.
He led me to the bed, where he blind folded me and fed me the fruit. He ate the ice-cream off of me and he made love to me like I had never been made love to before. We drank wine, laughed and chilled the rest of the night. Best night EVER!!!
It's gotta mean a lot for a man to think a whole experience like that out and make it happen. Make it memorable. And I will always remember Jacksonville!
He flew me into Jacksonville. I hadn't always remembered the city, we have been to a lot of places and have had a great time everywhere we went...so the cities sometimes run together. But recently confirmed, it was in fact Jacksonville. Anyway, he wasn't at the airport when I arrived and I figured he was just running late, like usual. He called to tell me that he was running later than he had planned, but he had sent me a car. Yep! I went outside and there stood a man with a big card with my name on it. *I thought that only happened in movies* :)
When I got to the hotel, he seemed hurried, was grabbing his golf clubs (because his golf game and chatting with friends had ran over) and apologized a few times for not being at the airport. When we got to the room and he opened the door, it all made sense. He in fact, sent the car to allow him to have more time to make his plan come together.
As I walked into the room I was over whelmed with happiness. I had falling in love with him all over again. There were candles and rose petals scattered throughout the room. Slow jams were playing on the iPod deck. He was prepared to run a bubble bath, with oils and rose petals. There were green M&M's in bowls (he had picked out all the other colors, because he knows I love the green M&M most), a fruit tray, wine, ice-cream and other random snacks.
He led me to the bed, where he blind folded me and fed me the fruit. He ate the ice-cream off of me and he made love to me like I had never been made love to before. We drank wine, laughed and chilled the rest of the night. Best night EVER!!!
It's gotta mean a lot for a man to think a whole experience like that out and make it happen. Make it memorable. And I will always remember Jacksonville!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
He loves Me, he LOVES me NOT
No matter the distance, what either of us have or had been doing, if we had spoke or not; when we would see each other...we seemed to always pick up where we left off. We seemed to roll like there was never a break. HOWEVER, this time was a little-NO this time was ALOT different. My baby came into town and it was different.
The spark was Not in his eyes. His kiss was hesitant and he held me different when we laid in bed. He didn't hold me tight, with my legs on lock down all night. He didn't hug me close, to ensure I would never get away. Nor did he ever reach for me to ensure I was still there. He didn't even notice that I was wide awake the duration of the night or when I got out of bed. And the weirdest of all...he fucked me, not made love to me. He could've cared less if I had came that night or weeks prior. We felt different.
My text and calls went unanswered. And our communication in general seemed forced. He seemed to have forgotten the importance he was/is in my life. He didn't even ask about the kids, who always ask about him. Nor did he ask how business was going or if I was still sustaining some type of financial life. He didn't seem to care. His touch was cold and his words were frank. I felt unsure about who my love had become. I seemed to have been an option and not his priority. He was different!
This encounter seemed like perchance, a convenient circumstance. Where I had once felt confident and happy to be his baby, this encounter... I felt awkward and out of place around him. It all made me wonder... did he still love me or love me not. His attention and priorities didn't feel like it was about me. We felt different.
I hate wondering if he still loves me or loves me not...
*this blog is subject to futher development*
The spark was Not in his eyes. His kiss was hesitant and he held me different when we laid in bed. He didn't hold me tight, with my legs on lock down all night. He didn't hug me close, to ensure I would never get away. Nor did he ever reach for me to ensure I was still there. He didn't even notice that I was wide awake the duration of the night or when I got out of bed. And the weirdest of all...he fucked me, not made love to me. He could've cared less if I had came that night or weeks prior. We felt different.
My text and calls went unanswered. And our communication in general seemed forced. He seemed to have forgotten the importance he was/is in my life. He didn't even ask about the kids, who always ask about him. Nor did he ask how business was going or if I was still sustaining some type of financial life. He didn't seem to care. His touch was cold and his words were frank. I felt unsure about who my love had become. I seemed to have been an option and not his priority. He was different!
This encounter seemed like perchance, a convenient circumstance. Where I had once felt confident and happy to be his baby, this encounter... I felt awkward and out of place around him. It all made me wonder... did he still love me or love me not. His attention and priorities didn't feel like it was about me. We felt different.
I hate wondering if he still loves me or loves me not...
*this blog is subject to futher development*
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
ADD
I have Attention Deficit Disorder. And when I say this I don't mean it in the actual medical terms, but in relationship terms. So when I say it out loud and or to men, they take my meaning to be..."oh, she's clingy or needy" and that is not the case....
My ADD is about the amount of attention my baby gives to me...texts, e-mails, calls through out the day and of course time spent. In the day and age of texts messages and e-mails...they are HUGE! The "Good Morning, have a good day" or "thinking about you", "hey", "what's up", "can't talk now, call me later", "how's your day" or even "call you in a few". Anything to know he is/was thinking about me, does it for me. I don't need to see or be around him 24/7 or even be in his presence all or even for a day, week or few days. Oh and phone calls long or short will always work, hearing his voice, puts an instant smile on my face. All this because, it's all about the thought that counts!!!
Oh, and I absolutely hate when I send random and/or general text messages and he doesn't respond...WTF! Because I'm sure if I didn't/don't respond to him in a timely manner he would have an issue. So, text messages ease the emotional state of comfort. Calls that go unanswered, should have a minimum of a 5 minute turn around...I get being on a call/not being able to talk at that moment/being busy. But not returning my call within at least an hour is ridiculous!!!
And the whole not spending time with him ALL day or being underneath him all day is stupid!!! Who really needs or even wants that?! I absolutely want and need MY space, so I absolutely will respect his!!! But sometimes I just want to be in his arms, kiss him, touch him or be in his reach... HOWEVER, I have ALOT of free time, and no one wants to be lonely!!! So, just wanting to have lunch with him (in the middle of the day) should be cool. Or hanging out at night and maybe spending the night with him should make sense...
My ADD is more about pleasing him than me!!! I don't want or need a clingy or needy dude...I just want him to want ME, think about and want to spend time with ME!!! Because at the end of the day making him happy is making me happy!!!
So, I will not justify or apologize for my ADD...adding me to his daily regime, means we're all GOOD!!!
My ADD is about the amount of attention my baby gives to me...texts, e-mails, calls through out the day and of course time spent. In the day and age of texts messages and e-mails...they are HUGE! The "Good Morning, have a good day" or "thinking about you", "hey", "what's up", "can't talk now, call me later", "how's your day" or even "call you in a few". Anything to know he is/was thinking about me, does it for me. I don't need to see or be around him 24/7 or even be in his presence all or even for a day, week or few days. Oh and phone calls long or short will always work, hearing his voice, puts an instant smile on my face. All this because, it's all about the thought that counts!!!
Oh, and I absolutely hate when I send random and/or general text messages and he doesn't respond...WTF! Because I'm sure if I didn't/don't respond to him in a timely manner he would have an issue. So, text messages ease the emotional state of comfort. Calls that go unanswered, should have a minimum of a 5 minute turn around...I get being on a call/not being able to talk at that moment/being busy. But not returning my call within at least an hour is ridiculous!!!
And the whole not spending time with him ALL day or being underneath him all day is stupid!!! Who really needs or even wants that?! I absolutely want and need MY space, so I absolutely will respect his!!! But sometimes I just want to be in his arms, kiss him, touch him or be in his reach... HOWEVER, I have ALOT of free time, and no one wants to be lonely!!! So, just wanting to have lunch with him (in the middle of the day) should be cool. Or hanging out at night and maybe spending the night with him should make sense...
My ADD is more about pleasing him than me!!! I don't want or need a clingy or needy dude...I just want him to want ME, think about and want to spend time with ME!!! Because at the end of the day making him happy is making me happy!!!
So, I will not justify or apologize for my ADD...adding me to his daily regime, means we're all GOOD!!!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Excess Baggage
It's funny that airlines now charge you for your excess baggage. Some airlines even charge you for the initial piece of luggage. Which got me to thinking...as we traveling on this journey of love and life, we don't mean to carry excess baggage but we do. We carry the good and the bad of our relationships into the next one. The new person, unknowingly becomes subjected to an emotional strip search; where we try to get them naked, in attempts of trying to rid of the possible bullshit early on. This ultimately, is only a set up for them and we sit back waiting for them to fail. We do try to be better in the new relationship, but know that previous issues linger and some how will continue to haunt.....
Then there's the carry on baggage; security goes through your baggage and identifies the more than 3 allowable flow ounces. Another thought zoomed through my head... It is a scientific known facts that, a human body contains about about 5 liters of blood (a little more than one gallon). Of course, the amount of blood actually held within the heart at any given moment varies on the person (do they have a healthy or defective heart?) With that said, we all would never get through security our head (metaphorically representing security) would stop us every time. We carry excess baggage and have too much love (metaphorically used instead of blood) flowing to our hearts. We fall in love. We are in love. Humans love. And when you are in love and have love your heart beats different. Your heart is functioning for life and love. I guess only the defective (broken hearted) would be allowed to travel....
Sadly, we carry trust issues or the lack there of into relationships. Our communication skills weaken...in the new relationship, we are either more verbal than we need to be (argumentative/combative or providing WAY too much info too soon-scaring potentials off) or not verbal enough (shutting down or never wanting to open up). We put barriers up around our hearts and seem to anticipate the worse to happen. But almost worse than the destructive baggage we carry is the sabotage baggage; that's the baggage of...the inability to allow anyone to ever compare to the previous love...
I find myself constantly comparing any and everything a man does and doesn't do for me, to my baby. Men continue to come up short. No one seems to be chivalrous enough, passionate, compassionate or understanding enough. No one can seem to make me laugh or smile like he does. Men don't look as good or smell as good as he did. I find fault with their cadence of their voice, how they walk and dress...the shape of their noses, the size of their ears, their slant of their teeth, the chapped lips, their body build, if they work out, what they eat or don't eat. And that list can go on. OH and NONE have been adventurous enough and unfortunately...no one seems to stack up.
I also, don't trust a word that comes out of their mouths. I think they all are running game or have some hidden drama and issues that will eventually come out, to hurt me. Their character is always in question. And I listen intensely, waiting for bullshit... for I am allergic to it. My guard is up, not even allowing for any platonic friendships. My expectatins of what I want and need have set a new high.
My baggage is heavy. Erica Badu was talking about me when she wrote that song and I wasn't even listening. I know it's not fair, I suppose with time I'll have to learn how to pack light.
Then there's the carry on baggage; security goes through your baggage and identifies the more than 3 allowable flow ounces. Another thought zoomed through my head... It is a scientific known facts that, a human body contains about about 5 liters of blood (a little more than one gallon). Of course, the amount of blood actually held within the heart at any given moment varies on the person (do they have a healthy or defective heart?) With that said, we all would never get through security our head (metaphorically representing security) would stop us every time. We carry excess baggage and have too much love (metaphorically used instead of blood) flowing to our hearts. We fall in love. We are in love. Humans love. And when you are in love and have love your heart beats different. Your heart is functioning for life and love. I guess only the defective (broken hearted) would be allowed to travel....
Sadly, we carry trust issues or the lack there of into relationships. Our communication skills weaken...in the new relationship, we are either more verbal than we need to be (argumentative/combative or providing WAY too much info too soon-scaring potentials off) or not verbal enough (shutting down or never wanting to open up). We put barriers up around our hearts and seem to anticipate the worse to happen. But almost worse than the destructive baggage we carry is the sabotage baggage; that's the baggage of...the inability to allow anyone to ever compare to the previous love...
I find myself constantly comparing any and everything a man does and doesn't do for me, to my baby. Men continue to come up short. No one seems to be chivalrous enough, passionate, compassionate or understanding enough. No one can seem to make me laugh or smile like he does. Men don't look as good or smell as good as he did. I find fault with their cadence of their voice, how they walk and dress...the shape of their noses, the size of their ears, their slant of their teeth, the chapped lips, their body build, if they work out, what they eat or don't eat. And that list can go on. OH and NONE have been adventurous enough and unfortunately...no one seems to stack up.
I also, don't trust a word that comes out of their mouths. I think they all are running game or have some hidden drama and issues that will eventually come out, to hurt me. Their character is always in question. And I listen intensely, waiting for bullshit... for I am allergic to it. My guard is up, not even allowing for any platonic friendships. My expectatins of what I want and need have set a new high.
My baggage is heavy. Erica Badu was talking about me when she wrote that song and I wasn't even listening. I know it's not fair, I suppose with time I'll have to learn how to pack light.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
2 Scenarios...HOW and WHY he gets CUT!!!
Scenario #1
I think the new socially acceptable way of 'calling' people is to text them first, to ask if they can talk. I think it's silly, but I get it. I actually think only your boo, your parents and/or children have the right to just call without the text preface. I mean, your boo or family shouldn't need permission to call and talk to you. But, I do like this rule in the cases of people, I'd rather not want to talk to. I appreciate the preface text, just so I can reply..."busy let me hit you back later" text. However, there are some that just don't seem to know the 2010 call vs. text rules. They will and do call often, at really bad times, and repeatedly...without ever leaving a voice mail. So sometimes, when I see their calls come in...to avoid the all day annoyance... I answer. And 1 day, after avoiding and ignoring his calls for weeks I answered. And I felt it only nice that I should talk to him and then even decide to...hang out with him.
We decided to meet at 12 to grab some lunch and a movie.
As I'm pulling into the parking lot, I get a call...
"Hey, can we push this back by like 20 minutes? An emergency just came up"
I respond, "Uuuuhhhhmmm, OK." *shrugging my shoulders* as I'm thinking it's only 20 minutes...
And I would've actually been OK until...
"Yeah, just stay in the area and go run some errands or something. I'll hit you up when I'm done."
Hmmmm, WOW! Really? WTF?! Was he just telling me what to do?! Did he just try to put me on his time line? He wasn't my boo nor did he have the authority! I didn't like or appreciate his tone nor his instructions. Maybe I should've let him know, that he should've been happy that I decided to answer my phone and even agree to meet his ass...
We hung up and I went home. 1 hour and 23 minutes later. He actually called.
"So, what's up? Where you at?"
*Laughing out loud* Did he just try the 'www' (what, when, where) with me? Again, he is not my boo!!! I respond, "I'm home and I have plans later so, we're gonna have to rain check.
He obviously was alittle unhappy with my response and stated, "Oh, like that?"
Aaannnnd, "Yes, like that" I hung up my phone. He does not know me like that!!! I could give a shit! He handled the situation and me absolutely inappropriately!!! No, I did not stay in the area, for 20 minutes or an hour and 23 minutes to just go run some errands, while he would hit me when he was done. I don't roll like that!!! Me and my time are valuable!!! I guess he thought, he had it like that... to just call, without the preface text and I respond positively...
I'm now and forever, Busy and will not hit him back later!!!
His ass is CUT!!!
Scenario #2
Playoffs are fun and exciting no matter what the sport. And to watch them in person or at a sports bar, just adds to the excitement. So, with my favorite basketball team being in the finals...of course I would want to be out; at a bar, having a drink, around a fun crowd of other fans. So, when I got an invite to hang out at a cool sports bar in DC.... I happily excepted.
Wanting to get to the spot before it got to crowded, it made since that we would meet in a neutral location at 8pm and go from there....
at 7:45pm I got the following text
beep/beep "on my way"
beep/beep "run'n late"
I respond...OK no problem.
beep/beep "I shud be there in 45 min."
*pausing at this text, confused* I start doing the math in my head...45 minutes, that's 8:30. Not sooo bad. Then...
beep/beep "but we gotta go back to my house, still need to shower & change"
And there goes and here comes the bullshit!
I respond...WTH?! No!
So of course he calls... "What's up?
I politely (probably wasn't polite at all) informed him, that I'm not interested in going to his place (while he showers and changes). Further, he invited me and suggested 8pm and for him now to be running 45 minutes late and still needing to shower and change was extremely inconsiderate of my time and that we would/could rain check for another time. He was annoyed and sarcastically stated that I was "real funny". I was then annoyed by his sarcasm and inability to see his blunder and attempt to make it my issue. I got off the phone and headed to a random area sports bar...I was out, around other excited basketball fans, having a drink and I couldn't have been happier.
He texted and called for the rest of the night. I ignored his texts and calls and will continue to do so. Guess, I'm just being "real funny."
And his ass is CUT too!!!
And just like that...CUT!!! I don't give a shit! I don't care, I could give a fuck! And yeah, so what I'm spoiled!!! I can be! Me and my time are precious! Be there at A Sharp or not at all!!! Additionally, I had no intentions of anything anyway! In both instances, I wanted to get out of the house; get some lunch and a movie and top it off with a few drinks and the NBA finals. These men have no idea who they are dealing with! I didn't, wasn't going to, and had no plans on ever liking them... I have NO LOVE!!!!
And Just like that...How and Why they get, can and will get cut!!!
I think the new socially acceptable way of 'calling' people is to text them first, to ask if they can talk. I think it's silly, but I get it. I actually think only your boo, your parents and/or children have the right to just call without the text preface. I mean, your boo or family shouldn't need permission to call and talk to you. But, I do like this rule in the cases of people, I'd rather not want to talk to. I appreciate the preface text, just so I can reply..."busy let me hit you back later" text. However, there are some that just don't seem to know the 2010 call vs. text rules. They will and do call often, at really bad times, and repeatedly...without ever leaving a voice mail. So sometimes, when I see their calls come in...to avoid the all day annoyance... I answer. And 1 day, after avoiding and ignoring his calls for weeks I answered. And I felt it only nice that I should talk to him and then even decide to...hang out with him.
We decided to meet at 12 to grab some lunch and a movie.
As I'm pulling into the parking lot, I get a call...
"Hey, can we push this back by like 20 minutes? An emergency just came up"
I respond, "Uuuuhhhhmmm, OK." *shrugging my shoulders* as I'm thinking it's only 20 minutes...
And I would've actually been OK until...
"Yeah, just stay in the area and go run some errands or something. I'll hit you up when I'm done."
Hmmmm, WOW! Really? WTF?! Was he just telling me what to do?! Did he just try to put me on his time line? He wasn't my boo nor did he have the authority! I didn't like or appreciate his tone nor his instructions. Maybe I should've let him know, that he should've been happy that I decided to answer my phone and even agree to meet his ass...
We hung up and I went home. 1 hour and 23 minutes later. He actually called.
"So, what's up? Where you at?"
*Laughing out loud* Did he just try the 'www' (what, when, where) with me? Again, he is not my boo!!! I respond, "I'm home and I have plans later so, we're gonna have to rain check.
He obviously was alittle unhappy with my response and stated, "Oh, like that?"
Aaannnnd, "Yes, like that" I hung up my phone. He does not know me like that!!! I could give a shit! He handled the situation and me absolutely inappropriately!!! No, I did not stay in the area, for 20 minutes or an hour and 23 minutes to just go run some errands, while he would hit me when he was done. I don't roll like that!!! Me and my time are valuable!!! I guess he thought, he had it like that... to just call, without the preface text and I respond positively...
I'm now and forever, Busy and will not hit him back later!!!
His ass is CUT!!!
Scenario #2
Playoffs are fun and exciting no matter what the sport. And to watch them in person or at a sports bar, just adds to the excitement. So, with my favorite basketball team being in the finals...of course I would want to be out; at a bar, having a drink, around a fun crowd of other fans. So, when I got an invite to hang out at a cool sports bar in DC.... I happily excepted.
Wanting to get to the spot before it got to crowded, it made since that we would meet in a neutral location at 8pm and go from there....
at 7:45pm I got the following text
beep/beep "on my way"
beep/beep "run'n late"
I respond...OK no problem.
beep/beep "I shud be there in 45 min."
*pausing at this text, confused* I start doing the math in my head...45 minutes, that's 8:30. Not sooo bad. Then...
beep/beep "but we gotta go back to my house, still need to shower & change"
And there goes and here comes the bullshit!
I respond...WTH?! No!
So of course he calls... "What's up?
I politely (probably wasn't polite at all) informed him, that I'm not interested in going to his place (while he showers and changes). Further, he invited me and suggested 8pm and for him now to be running 45 minutes late and still needing to shower and change was extremely inconsiderate of my time and that we would/could rain check for another time. He was annoyed and sarcastically stated that I was "real funny". I was then annoyed by his sarcasm and inability to see his blunder and attempt to make it my issue. I got off the phone and headed to a random area sports bar...I was out, around other excited basketball fans, having a drink and I couldn't have been happier.
He texted and called for the rest of the night. I ignored his texts and calls and will continue to do so. Guess, I'm just being "real funny."
And his ass is CUT too!!!
And just like that...CUT!!! I don't give a shit! I don't care, I could give a fuck! And yeah, so what I'm spoiled!!! I can be! Me and my time are precious! Be there at A Sharp or not at all!!! Additionally, I had no intentions of anything anyway! In both instances, I wanted to get out of the house; get some lunch and a movie and top it off with a few drinks and the NBA finals. These men have no idea who they are dealing with! I didn't, wasn't going to, and had no plans on ever liking them... I have NO LOVE!!!!
And Just like that...How and Why they get, can and will get cut!!!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Anybody out there?
I read or maybe heard a quote about relationships, 'the greater the hurt and pain the harder the process to heal.' and with that I began to think... WOW, so will I ever heal? I'm convinced I'm damaged goods at this point. I have NO want, need, or desire to give my love to anyone anymore. Nor do I even feel like being bothered with relationships. So, I must agree with the quote...and acknowledge my journey of healing to be a great feat, if not even impossible.
I've let myself go...even grow; remember I still have a goonie goo goo growing between my legs. I now pull my hair back, more often than usual. I've decided to wear clothes for comfort versus my super cute ensembles, during my outings. AND I've resorted to flats when I go out-Very odd! Because if you follow my blog; you know I LOVE my stilettos! I'm down right mean to any man that tries to talk to me now. And I must say, my attitude toward men in general these days SUCKS!!! I just don't care and don't want to try anymore. None of this is to be concluded that...I'm now bitter and or have no self love. On the contrary!!! I am absolutely not bitter, but better! And I absolutely love myself. My priorities have just changed...and loving or giving love to undeserving men is not important to me anymore!!!
I do however, remember great love and what it felt like... So on my journey, I do I wonder...is there anybody out there?!
Is there anybody out there that can or will make me laugh and smile like he did? Is there anybody out there that can or will love me like he did? Will he care for and take care of me? Will we talk and play? Will we go here, there and no where? Will he pull my card and put me in check when I need to be spanked? Will he spank me?! Is there anybody out there that will hold me at night like he did. Will he look in my eyes and I know what it means? Will he understand my sporadic whims and fluctuations of love making and fucking? Is there anybody out here even deserving of what I have to offer? Will he appreciate me and cherish my heart? Will he know me? Is there any body out there that will love ME?
Is there anybody out there that could help me on my journey of healing? And if he's out there, would I even give him a chance?
I've let myself go...even grow; remember I still have a goonie goo goo growing between my legs. I now pull my hair back, more often than usual. I've decided to wear clothes for comfort versus my super cute ensembles, during my outings. AND I've resorted to flats when I go out-Very odd! Because if you follow my blog; you know I LOVE my stilettos! I'm down right mean to any man that tries to talk to me now. And I must say, my attitude toward men in general these days SUCKS!!! I just don't care and don't want to try anymore. None of this is to be concluded that...I'm now bitter and or have no self love. On the contrary!!! I am absolutely not bitter, but better! And I absolutely love myself. My priorities have just changed...and loving or giving love to undeserving men is not important to me anymore!!!
I do however, remember great love and what it felt like... So on my journey, I do I wonder...is there anybody out there?!
Is there anybody out there that can or will make me laugh and smile like he did? Is there anybody out there that can or will love me like he did? Will he care for and take care of me? Will we talk and play? Will we go here, there and no where? Will he pull my card and put me in check when I need to be spanked? Will he spank me?! Is there anybody out there that will hold me at night like he did. Will he look in my eyes and I know what it means? Will he understand my sporadic whims and fluctuations of love making and fucking? Is there anybody out here even deserving of what I have to offer? Will he appreciate me and cherish my heart? Will he know me? Is there any body out there that will love ME?
Is there anybody out there that could help me on my journey of healing? And if he's out there, would I even give him a chance?
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Conversation with The salseman...
We just met! We've chatted. We had lunch. We had 1 drink!
Why would I want to go back to your place? What is MY motivation? I'm not attracted to you. And nothing about you screams...'hot, sexy, lover'
FYI, I hate overly aggressive and way too persistent men. The salesman tactics don't work on me...the whole sale me a red popsicle, while wearing my white gloves in ninety degree weather...doesn't and will never work unless I want it to...
No...you're not a good catch. I don't find you attractive. Your conversation is boring. And no, you're not the man of my dreams. And absolutely not...I don't NEED you. Yeah, I probably would look good holding your hand...but that's because I look good anyway. And yep, everybody needs love...but I don't need yours. I choose to be alone, because of men like you. Oh additionally, I love me more than I would ever love you. So....Econ 101, consumers buy what they want... and I don't want you!!!
You're sales pitch SUCKS!!!
Why would I want to go back to your place? What is MY motivation? I'm not attracted to you. And nothing about you screams...'hot, sexy, lover'
FYI, I hate overly aggressive and way too persistent men. The salesman tactics don't work on me...the whole sale me a red popsicle, while wearing my white gloves in ninety degree weather...doesn't and will never work unless I want it to...
No...you're not a good catch. I don't find you attractive. Your conversation is boring. And no, you're not the man of my dreams. And absolutely not...I don't NEED you. Yeah, I probably would look good holding your hand...but that's because I look good anyway. And yep, everybody needs love...but I don't need yours. I choose to be alone, because of men like you. Oh additionally, I love me more than I would ever love you. So....Econ 101, consumers buy what they want... and I don't want you!!!
You're sales pitch SUCKS!!!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monogamous Man?!
Is there a such thing as a monogamous man or if men can really be in a monogamous relationship....
***I actually think some men can be and want to be monogamous... but don't know how. I think they want and need companionship in life but just can't seem to get it right. I think the player thing and all the variety has to get old and at the end of the day, being a player I'm sure can be and gets lonely.
I actually think a man can have a really hott, attractive woman with everything he wants type, but still want something else. Because even if with the hotter, more attractive and gives it up more and better, there is always...Temptation! Which should be just that, temptation. The 'wants', the 'feels good' and 'desirable', but that doesn't necessarily mean he has to act on it. Is it really men's egos? Do men really need or have to fuck all the women they can?
And what about the internal?! The emotional and mental make up of a woman?! Who a woman really is and her character make up?! Hmmmm, and do men really look for that woman that has their equal philosophies and morals in life. Or better yet, think about if that woman has their equal sexual desire?!
I think we are all sexual beings and some men are just more than others. Biologically, I don't think men are meant to be monogamous. They are hard wired to find the best mate to propagate our species. And although some species do exhibit monogamous behavior, I believe it is less common in primates overall.
So, I wonder if an open relationship could or would fix some of those relationships that can't handle the monogamy. Does that mean, when you agree to an open relationship that the couple actually just wants to keep their options open for something better. And that the couple is settling until that better comes along?! So, is that couple then not considering that the current is the best?! Hmmm, and what about catching feelings with another person while being in an open relationship? If the open relationship is in place to just keep the couples options open, I suppose I wouldn't recommend hanging around for too long if monogamy isn't going to be an option.
So what is acceptable for a woman to agree or not agree to in her relationship?
And are women then lowering their standards and requiring less of men because they are afraid to lose them? I suppose a lot of women do things out of insecurities and don't want the "possible" good one to get away. But then let him get away with bullshit... with fears of not getting or finding better?! Unfortunately, I think it's hard for women to be truly secure with themselves because men keep us on the fence. I think women are insecure by nature and often measure, compare and compete with other women. Because of and for men. We compare and second guess our looks, worth and physical value's instead of doing it for ourselves.
I actually think commitment and exclusivity mean different things, people seem to intertwine them, which makes relationships difficult. I do however, believe that commitment means a man is ready to be in a relationship... BUT it doesn't necessarily mean he will be exclusive or monogamous, which by definition means...The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time. I think with commitment he just decided to be committed, which by definition means...A pledge or the state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons to one woman. And with the commitment, it's not whether he can be monogamous, it's whether he can admit that he is and will be.
Unfortunately, I just don't think people have old morals anymore...I don't think there is respect for relationships, commitment and exclusivity anymore. What happen to peoples sense of self and self worth? Moreover the importance of love, sex, relationships and what it all really means.
Sooo, with all that blah, blah, blah and blah said...I know I'm a sexual being, I know I have strong sexual desires but doesn't mean I have to go elsewhere if they're not being met at every moment. I absolutely believe in a committed relationship. I'm old fashioned, with old time morals and views on relationships. I love love, I want to grow old with someone. I like being a committed and FAITHFUL person. I refuse to gamble with my health with multiple partners and would hope that my partner feels the same... when it comes down to it, if you love someone, and truly do, why would you want anything else? Sure, the relationship may have it's low points...those ugly, bad and worse times. And sure maybe there are moments of wanting something new, different or whatever, but life and love isn't all about the physical and that's what people don't understand anymore.
Everyone is meant to find their diamond...a monogamous relationship in the rough. Diamonds are rare; but once you find it, you keep it, cherish it...because like diamonds...love is also forever.
***I actually think some men can be and want to be monogamous... but don't know how. I think they want and need companionship in life but just can't seem to get it right. I think the player thing and all the variety has to get old and at the end of the day, being a player I'm sure can be and gets lonely.
I actually think a man can have a really hott, attractive woman with everything he wants type, but still want something else. Because even if with the hotter, more attractive and gives it up more and better, there is always...Temptation! Which should be just that, temptation. The 'wants', the 'feels good' and 'desirable', but that doesn't necessarily mean he has to act on it. Is it really men's egos? Do men really need or have to fuck all the women they can?
And what about the internal?! The emotional and mental make up of a woman?! Who a woman really is and her character make up?! Hmmmm, and do men really look for that woman that has their equal philosophies and morals in life. Or better yet, think about if that woman has their equal sexual desire?!
I think we are all sexual beings and some men are just more than others. Biologically, I don't think men are meant to be monogamous. They are hard wired to find the best mate to propagate our species. And although some species do exhibit monogamous behavior, I believe it is less common in primates overall.
So, I wonder if an open relationship could or would fix some of those relationships that can't handle the monogamy. Does that mean, when you agree to an open relationship that the couple actually just wants to keep their options open for something better. And that the couple is settling until that better comes along?! So, is that couple then not considering that the current is the best?! Hmmm, and what about catching feelings with another person while being in an open relationship? If the open relationship is in place to just keep the couples options open, I suppose I wouldn't recommend hanging around for too long if monogamy isn't going to be an option.
So what is acceptable for a woman to agree or not agree to in her relationship?
And are women then lowering their standards and requiring less of men because they are afraid to lose them? I suppose a lot of women do things out of insecurities and don't want the "possible" good one to get away. But then let him get away with bullshit... with fears of not getting or finding better?! Unfortunately, I think it's hard for women to be truly secure with themselves because men keep us on the fence. I think women are insecure by nature and often measure, compare and compete with other women. Because of and for men. We compare and second guess our looks, worth and physical value's instead of doing it for ourselves.
I actually think commitment and exclusivity mean different things, people seem to intertwine them, which makes relationships difficult. I do however, believe that commitment means a man is ready to be in a relationship... BUT it doesn't necessarily mean he will be exclusive or monogamous, which by definition means...The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time. I think with commitment he just decided to be committed, which by definition means...A pledge or the state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons to one woman. And with the commitment, it's not whether he can be monogamous, it's whether he can admit that he is and will be.
Unfortunately, I just don't think people have old morals anymore...I don't think there is respect for relationships, commitment and exclusivity anymore. What happen to peoples sense of self and self worth? Moreover the importance of love, sex, relationships and what it all really means.
Sooo, with all that blah, blah, blah and blah said...I know I'm a sexual being, I know I have strong sexual desires but doesn't mean I have to go elsewhere if they're not being met at every moment. I absolutely believe in a committed relationship. I'm old fashioned, with old time morals and views on relationships. I love love, I want to grow old with someone. I like being a committed and FAITHFUL person. I refuse to gamble with my health with multiple partners and would hope that my partner feels the same... when it comes down to it, if you love someone, and truly do, why would you want anything else? Sure, the relationship may have it's low points...those ugly, bad and worse times. And sure maybe there are moments of wanting something new, different or whatever, but life and love isn't all about the physical and that's what people don't understand anymore.
Everyone is meant to find their diamond...a monogamous relationship in the rough. Diamonds are rare; but once you find it, you keep it, cherish it...because like diamonds...love is also forever.
Monday, May 24, 2010
BAr gaMes
Is it wrong that while chilling, having a drink and minding my own damn business...a guy began trying to talk to me and all I wanted to do was play the game at the end of the bar? You know the games that you have to feed quarters/dollars to play random puzzle, strategy, card or casino type games? You don't win and can just waste money...Worse part, I don't even play those games.
I guess, everybody has some type of game...some women may play; shy and passively flirty or outgoing and aggressively flirtatious. Some men may play; over confidant and over interested or swag like and charming or maybe even quirky, corny cute. Either way...conversation is SUPER IMPORTANT!!!
I was truly just wanting a night out, to watch the game, and to have a drink. I suppose I was in some kinda mood, but I know I didn't really want to be bothered. I mean I didn't even wear my heels... But without fail...some dude felt it his duty to come up to me and try to; I guess 'make my night'. He was unattractive, which didn't motivate me look at him. He was dressed like he had just got outta bed, so I was distracted by his lack of enthusiasm for his own outer appearance. And his topics of conversation were boring. His lame attempts to engage me in conversation about travel, college, career, and sports left me completely un-enthused and wanting to just put quarters in the machine next to me.
I felt sad for him, because he probably is a nice guy but has no clue how to talk to women. And the worse thing, was his over zealous actions of trying to be the man. There should be an FYI out there for men...some women can buy their own drinks! Some women actually watch and know about sports oh and some women don't give shit about how much money you make. Additionally, dumb ass pick up lines like... "you from Tennessee? Cause you the only ten I see", or "is your daddy a terrorist? Cause Girl, you are the bomb" DO NOT work! Dry ass humor, fake ass attempts to be prince charming and overly aggressive and egotistical behaviors are failures!!! At the end of the day, most women just want a guy to be cool, maybe have a little sense of humor and have thoughtful conversation. I think allowing us (the woman) to decide if we want to move forward in any direction of a relationship. frienship or NOT is the best play of the day!
So, I was completely annoyed and just wanted him to go away. The conversations around me seemed more interesting and I ear hustled as much as I could, trying to entertain myself. I eventually, swallowed my food down in 10 minutes and gulped my drink. I requested my check so I could just leave, I mean RUN and not even care about who won the game. The guy actually asked if I was a regular and mentioned hoping to see me again soon. I suppose without being completely rude, I was pleasant enough for him to think I liked him. But I just nodded and said, "maybe, enjoy your night".
He and his game were lame!!! I should've changed the mode and provided him with game strategies on how to step to a woman! Or, maybe, he would've got the hint if I had just played the game at the end of the bar.
I guess, everybody has some type of game...some women may play; shy and passively flirty or outgoing and aggressively flirtatious. Some men may play; over confidant and over interested or swag like and charming or maybe even quirky, corny cute. Either way...conversation is SUPER IMPORTANT!!!
I was truly just wanting a night out, to watch the game, and to have a drink. I suppose I was in some kinda mood, but I know I didn't really want to be bothered. I mean I didn't even wear my heels... But without fail...some dude felt it his duty to come up to me and try to; I guess 'make my night'. He was unattractive, which didn't motivate me look at him. He was dressed like he had just got outta bed, so I was distracted by his lack of enthusiasm for his own outer appearance. And his topics of conversation were boring. His lame attempts to engage me in conversation about travel, college, career, and sports left me completely un-enthused and wanting to just put quarters in the machine next to me.
I felt sad for him, because he probably is a nice guy but has no clue how to talk to women. And the worse thing, was his over zealous actions of trying to be the man. There should be an FYI out there for men...some women can buy their own drinks! Some women actually watch and know about sports oh and some women don't give shit about how much money you make. Additionally, dumb ass pick up lines like... "you from Tennessee? Cause you the only ten I see", or "is your daddy a terrorist? Cause Girl, you are the bomb" DO NOT work! Dry ass humor, fake ass attempts to be prince charming and overly aggressive and egotistical behaviors are failures!!! At the end of the day, most women just want a guy to be cool, maybe have a little sense of humor and have thoughtful conversation. I think allowing us (the woman) to decide if we want to move forward in any direction of a relationship. frienship or NOT is the best play of the day!
So, I was completely annoyed and just wanted him to go away. The conversations around me seemed more interesting and I ear hustled as much as I could, trying to entertain myself. I eventually, swallowed my food down in 10 minutes and gulped my drink. I requested my check so I could just leave, I mean RUN and not even care about who won the game. The guy actually asked if I was a regular and mentioned hoping to see me again soon. I suppose without being completely rude, I was pleasant enough for him to think I liked him. But I just nodded and said, "maybe, enjoy your night".
He and his game were lame!!! I should've changed the mode and provided him with game strategies on how to step to a woman! Or, maybe, he would've got the hint if I had just played the game at the end of the bar.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Wedding Weekend...
Weddings provoke all types of emotions. There is absolute joy for the happy couple. Depending if you're friend or family to the bride or groom you then can also feel sadness, to see them and how they have grown. If you have children of your own, you begin to think of how your child's ceremony may be. And the emotions are endless; the tears of joy, the emense happiness, and of course that thing called love. I love weddings, love to plan and attend them, but unfortunately have never had one of my own. We just went to the justice of the piece. I should've known then. LOL.
And so...this weekend, I went to a wedding and went through a wave of emotions. All types of feelings went through my body...happy, anger, joy, sadness, delight and even a little disappointment... But before I go into my pitiful emotionally unstable state...the weekend was GREAT!!!
The weather was perfect and beautiful, the ocean water was brilliant, ALL the food all weekend long was amazing, the hotel was fabulous, the people were pleasant, I had spectacular sex, and just had a phenonmeal weekend!!! We partied like rocks stars...gay men hit on my date (HILARIOUS!!!), I saw a completely naked man dancing with a pink boa, we danced and drank till who knows what time in the am, and I got toys from the sex store... Oh, and I looked cute, which always helps make the day/night that much better....
As for the wedding. The bride was georgeous and her ceremony was perfectly lovely...but as the day progressed, I fought back the tears the entire time. The occasion was joyous and I was delighted for the couple. But I couldn't help but think of my failed marriage and what marriage is about and what love really means. I have no regrets that I ended my marriage. It was the best thing I could've done for my self. But now, I never want to marry again. And I couldn't help think about the love of my life and his marriage. I can and will never understand how, I found myself in that situation and I don't know if I will ever fully recover from the experience. But what I couldn't help think about most was the concept of love...
We have no control who we fall in love with. And once you find and have love, it should be cherished. Love is special! Love should never be taken for granted and people have to really begin to value what it means when someone gives you love and their heart. Love should be protected always and can't and should never just be thrown away. I may never marry again, or get MY wedding. But I do know what love feels like...I know how it looks at me, holds me, smiles at me, and a love like that can never be replaced...
Through all the sadness, I felt love during a wedding weekend.
And so...this weekend, I went to a wedding and went through a wave of emotions. All types of feelings went through my body...happy, anger, joy, sadness, delight and even a little disappointment... But before I go into my pitiful emotionally unstable state...the weekend was GREAT!!!
The weather was perfect and beautiful, the ocean water was brilliant, ALL the food all weekend long was amazing, the hotel was fabulous, the people were pleasant, I had spectacular sex, and just had a phenonmeal weekend!!! We partied like rocks stars...gay men hit on my date (HILARIOUS!!!), I saw a completely naked man dancing with a pink boa, we danced and drank till who knows what time in the am, and I got toys from the sex store... Oh, and I looked cute, which always helps make the day/night that much better....
As for the wedding. The bride was georgeous and her ceremony was perfectly lovely...but as the day progressed, I fought back the tears the entire time. The occasion was joyous and I was delighted for the couple. But I couldn't help but think of my failed marriage and what marriage is about and what love really means. I have no regrets that I ended my marriage. It was the best thing I could've done for my self. But now, I never want to marry again. And I couldn't help think about the love of my life and his marriage. I can and will never understand how, I found myself in that situation and I don't know if I will ever fully recover from the experience. But what I couldn't help think about most was the concept of love...
We have no control who we fall in love with. And once you find and have love, it should be cherished. Love is special! Love should never be taken for granted and people have to really begin to value what it means when someone gives you love and their heart. Love should be protected always and can't and should never just be thrown away. I may never marry again, or get MY wedding. But I do know what love feels like...I know how it looks at me, holds me, smiles at me, and a love like that can never be replaced...
Through all the sadness, I felt love during a wedding weekend.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
He DOESN'T AND won't Get IT *edited*
Nice guy, good guy, right things in place, wrong type...
A dude approached me in the mall one day. He gave me all the appropriate compliments and we exchanged business cards. I threw his away, but he called me. You see, I'm emotionally detached from the whole hooking up thing. I suppose I've been through alot in my previous relationships and I'm now very....distrusting of men;their intentions and their ability to be real, honest, faithful, truthful, exclusive, and appreciative. At the end of the day, I'm loving me and that's more important than any man right now.
...He called me a few days later. I honestly had hoped that he would've thrown my card away as well. But, since the card exchange we've chatted a few times and have gone out to eat twice... and I don't like him. We have nothing in common. I've been more than frank with him, and told him I'm not interested in developing a relationship, but he doesn't seem to get it. I've went on to tell him, that I'm damaged and am in no emotional place to start or develop a relationship. (I thought the info about an emotionally ubstable chic, would make himn run) But he is persistent and says that I've never had a man treat me the way he will and that I deserve a good man. He calls and text me everyday, and he expresses wanting to see me and spend time with me everyday. All nice and maybe even true...BUT, I don't like it or him.
WHY DOESN'T HE GET IT? Does he realize he WON'T EVER GET IT?
So then, I thought about it... Why don't I like him?! Why doesn't he get it? And why won't He EVER get it? BECAUSE, he is over confident! There are men who have no idea that they think they are the shit, but only smell like shit!!! They think they ARE the blessing to the world. BUT NOT!!! And they're, what they think is swag is only shit! Who the hell does he think he is? Just because HE thinks he looks good, dresses nice, has nice cars and a nice place etc. doesn't mean I am then SUPPOSE to like him. Am I doing him a favor to be with him? NO!!! I would be doing him a favor to be with ME!
And the conclusion is...I don't like overly confident men!!!
So, his DUMB ASS...HE DOESN'T GET IT AND HE WON'T GET IT!!!
A dude approached me in the mall one day. He gave me all the appropriate compliments and we exchanged business cards. I threw his away, but he called me. You see, I'm emotionally detached from the whole hooking up thing. I suppose I've been through alot in my previous relationships and I'm now very....distrusting of men;their intentions and their ability to be real, honest, faithful, truthful, exclusive, and appreciative. At the end of the day, I'm loving me and that's more important than any man right now.
...He called me a few days later. I honestly had hoped that he would've thrown my card away as well. But, since the card exchange we've chatted a few times and have gone out to eat twice... and I don't like him. We have nothing in common. I've been more than frank with him, and told him I'm not interested in developing a relationship, but he doesn't seem to get it. I've went on to tell him, that I'm damaged and am in no emotional place to start or develop a relationship. (I thought the info about an emotionally ubstable chic, would make himn run) But he is persistent and says that I've never had a man treat me the way he will and that I deserve a good man. He calls and text me everyday, and he expresses wanting to see me and spend time with me everyday. All nice and maybe even true...BUT, I don't like it or him.
WHY DOESN'T HE GET IT? Does he realize he WON'T EVER GET IT?
So then, I thought about it... Why don't I like him?! Why doesn't he get it? And why won't He EVER get it? BECAUSE, he is over confident! There are men who have no idea that they think they are the shit, but only smell like shit!!! They think they ARE the blessing to the world. BUT NOT!!! And they're, what they think is swag is only shit! Who the hell does he think he is? Just because HE thinks he looks good, dresses nice, has nice cars and a nice place etc. doesn't mean I am then SUPPOSE to like him. Am I doing him a favor to be with him? NO!!! I would be doing him a favor to be with ME!
And the conclusion is...I don't like overly confident men!!!
So, his DUMB ASS...HE DOESN'T GET IT AND HE WON'T GET IT!!!
Monday, May 10, 2010
wanna FUCK my friends
I have a very small number of friends and an even smaller number of female friends. For the few female friends I have, I would say they are pretty women. And it seems my men agree...
My ex husband tried to fuck two of my really good friends. He denies it to this day, but I don't believe him. The "real" story, I heard from my friends and their men and another third party. Their stories all made more sense then my ex's bullshit ass lie.
I also believe, No, know that "my lover" fucked a few of my friends. His story, was also bullshit. Hence, the short lived "romance". And to no surprise, I've learned that there may have been an opportunity for yet another...fuck my friend. Of course everybodies stories are conflicting, but there was obviously someones intentions...
What the hell goes through a mans head when he decides he wants to step to his girls friend. Why do men find this ok and acceptable. Whether your relationship is going through a rough patch or not, it is NEVER OK for a man to consider being with his girls friend. It is NEVER OK for your friend to be put in that situation, it's NEVER OK for your man to put your girl in that situation and it's NEVER OK for your man to be in that situation.
I will not befriend ugly woman, to avoid my man wanting to sleep with her. I will also never under estimate the thought process of my man wanting to be with one of my cute friends.... Someone told me, not to be so tough on the guy that I should consider the "friend" as well. Good point, however...the situation has presented itself one too many times. Same situation, different men, same cute friends = same BULLSHIT! I can't help but believe that the man is at fault. I have SEVERE trust issues.
Why do I have to think about all those things?
My ex husband tried to fuck two of my really good friends. He denies it to this day, but I don't believe him. The "real" story, I heard from my friends and their men and another third party. Their stories all made more sense then my ex's bullshit ass lie.
I also believe, No, know that "my lover" fucked a few of my friends. His story, was also bullshit. Hence, the short lived "romance". And to no surprise, I've learned that there may have been an opportunity for yet another...fuck my friend. Of course everybodies stories are conflicting, but there was obviously someones intentions...
What the hell goes through a mans head when he decides he wants to step to his girls friend. Why do men find this ok and acceptable. Whether your relationship is going through a rough patch or not, it is NEVER OK for a man to consider being with his girls friend. It is NEVER OK for your friend to be put in that situation, it's NEVER OK for your man to put your girl in that situation and it's NEVER OK for your man to be in that situation.
I will not befriend ugly woman, to avoid my man wanting to sleep with her. I will also never under estimate the thought process of my man wanting to be with one of my cute friends.... Someone told me, not to be so tough on the guy that I should consider the "friend" as well. Good point, however...the situation has presented itself one too many times. Same situation, different men, same cute friends = same BULLSHIT! I can't help but believe that the man is at fault. I have SEVERE trust issues.
Why do I have to think about all those things?
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Destiny
A lot of people may not believe in astrology and the cosmos, but I absolutely do!!! My thesis, in obtaining my masters was "Astrology and You". I absolutely believe that your zodiac sign has everything to do with who you are as a person. I believe that when you were born and your character are directly correlated. I respect it to the utmost. The stars and the planets rotate, and believe it or not directly effect who we are and will be....
And with that said...I like tarrot cards and palm readers. In the past few years I've obtained my own destiny reader. I was a skeptic, but eventually believed... when she did my first reading and told me, I had babies in my future. I laughed it off; then came my daughter. She also read my son's future of private school and ultimate success; funny...my son is in private school and kicking ass. She also told me about the divorce of my husband. We know how that turned out. I tried hard to reject alot of her information, but things have come to pass, without fail. She has been very informative in various aspects of my life. She's been on point and almost scary to say the least...
Now fast forward to May 2010, she gave me a reading and to date...EVERYTHING is happening...My company is doing well. My children are and will continue to be successful. She provided info about my parents and social/love life. And most interesting and enlightening is that I'm in my Venus. And what exactly does that mean you ask....welp in lamens terms; men will be drawn to me, want me, want to be with, around and help me. And WOW!!!! The men have been coming out of the wood work. It's been crazy. Everywhere I go the men are there in my face. It's more than I've ever experienced. No complaints at all, but I wasn't expecting it. My networking and contract opportunities have increased. And the amount of men that seem to want to go out with me has also increased...CRAZY!
So, I believe in destiny. I believe that people are destined to meet. I believe that people are destined to be and do specific things. And with destiny, regardless of deviations from the journey if it is meant to happen, it will.
And with that said...I like tarrot cards and palm readers. In the past few years I've obtained my own destiny reader. I was a skeptic, but eventually believed... when she did my first reading and told me, I had babies in my future. I laughed it off; then came my daughter. She also read my son's future of private school and ultimate success; funny...my son is in private school and kicking ass. She also told me about the divorce of my husband. We know how that turned out. I tried hard to reject alot of her information, but things have come to pass, without fail. She has been very informative in various aspects of my life. She's been on point and almost scary to say the least...
Now fast forward to May 2010, she gave me a reading and to date...EVERYTHING is happening...My company is doing well. My children are and will continue to be successful. She provided info about my parents and social/love life. And most interesting and enlightening is that I'm in my Venus. And what exactly does that mean you ask....welp in lamens terms; men will be drawn to me, want me, want to be with, around and help me. And WOW!!!! The men have been coming out of the wood work. It's been crazy. Everywhere I go the men are there in my face. It's more than I've ever experienced. No complaints at all, but I wasn't expecting it. My networking and contract opportunities have increased. And the amount of men that seem to want to go out with me has also increased...CRAZY!
So, I believe in destiny. I believe that people are destined to meet. I believe that people are destined to be and do specific things. And with destiny, regardless of deviations from the journey if it is meant to happen, it will.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Fat Boys
I'm petite and weigh 110 pounds. I do nothing to maintain my weight, love to eat and have been blessed to be thin. I typically like my men tall and athletic build...muscles are nice, but definitely fit and in shape. Never been into big, meaning fat men. But for some reason they are into me... In the past few weeks I've met about 5 very heavy set men, who all seem to like little 'ole me.
Each approached me in their own round about way. LOL! I've chatted with them all and they all seem to be nice guys. None of them have children, have never been married and each seem to be doing well in their lives. They each live alone in their own homes, have several cars, like to travel and enjoy life. And I have the most important thing in common with each of them...the love of food.
Hmmmmm, so for many woman all those great qualities would make these guys a good catch. Right? No, wrong... I'm not interested. I guess I'm discriminating against the Big Boys. I know that's wrong but, I want to be attracted to the guy and I don't find fat attractive. They are all very sweet and thoughtful, but not my type. I feel like I should feel bad. But, I don't like fat boys.
Each approached me in their own round about way. LOL! I've chatted with them all and they all seem to be nice guys. None of them have children, have never been married and each seem to be doing well in their lives. They each live alone in their own homes, have several cars, like to travel and enjoy life. And I have the most important thing in common with each of them...the love of food.
Hmmmmm, so for many woman all those great qualities would make these guys a good catch. Right? No, wrong... I'm not interested. I guess I'm discriminating against the Big Boys. I know that's wrong but, I want to be attracted to the guy and I don't find fat attractive. They are all very sweet and thoughtful, but not my type. I feel like I should feel bad. But, I don't like fat boys.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Sleepless
Another sleepless night...It's been months and months since I've had a full good nights sleep. I stay up late (till 12 or 1 am), wake up around 2:30-3am and then have to really get up, to wake the kids at 5am. And then, I'm up for the day. I would think weekends would be sleep in days, but that never happens and I still wake up at 5am without fail. Someone told me, that his sleepless nights were due to stress. That at wee hours of the night, his mind is racing...how to take over the world. And I must agree.
I am stressed to death!!! I'm a living, walking zombie. My mind can get no rest, it's on non stop status...go here, do this, do that(HOW?)...pay this, pay that (WITH WHAT?)take care of this, take care of that (WOW!) and it goes on...
All the sleep aids in the world haven't and don't help...even accompanied with a shot of tequila, a cocktail, or glass of wine. Still no sleep. And the silence is SOOOO loud. GRRRRRRR
to be continued....
I am stressed to death!!! I'm a living, walking zombie. My mind can get no rest, it's on non stop status...go here, do this, do that(HOW?)...pay this, pay that (WITH WHAT?)take care of this, take care of that (WOW!) and it goes on...
All the sleep aids in the world haven't and don't help...even accompanied with a shot of tequila, a cocktail, or glass of wine. Still no sleep. And the silence is SOOOO loud. GRRRRRRR
to be continued....
Saturday, April 24, 2010
To SHAVE or NOT tO shave
As a teen, we begin to pay close attention when our breast Begin to develop and notice the fine hairs growing on our vajayjays. These developments put girls into woman status. And for as long as I've had pubic hair, I've kept my area tidy...being sure that it didn't peek through my panties on the sides. As I got older I even got a little creative. I tried the pub hawk, the landing strip with the arrow and the Bermuda triangle. But I was always more comfortable with more hair, then less.
Until, I got older. Once I became grown and sexy, I learned that less was more. And that men liked a clean poonanee (in all senses of the word). I even had friends that were wax gurus, but I was always too scared to actually do it. But one day, I did try it...and LOVED it! And became a true fan and advocate of the Brazilian wax. No itchy grow back and it last for weeks. THEN....the economy hit, so I had to stop. *crying*
However, though I no longer wax, I do still keep my little lady well groomed...UNTIL!!!! By special request my boo asked me not to shave...HMMMMM, though there were many thoughts behind this request, I happily obliged and haven't shaved in almost 2 months. Well let me edit that...I have shaved the attempted wholly mammoth that tried to grow between and down my legs. But I currently do in fact have a big foot down there.... LMAO!!!! I haven't had this much hair on my pussy in years!!! And funny thing, is I'm cool. I like not having to deal with the itchy grow back, the ingrown hairs and I like the grown woman look.
So, a funny situation ensued...my boo and I were about to have relations and I was lets say very self conscious. I hadn't really thought about the wild amazon that had been growing down there until the moment he touched my panties. But since by his request, he seemed thrilled to feel the goonie goo that has replaced his once perfectly pruned garden, we kept it moving. But I was still feeling a kinda way. I mean, I can grow it till I'm a full fledged orangutan, but it's something about letting him see it that way that makes me wince.
Silly I know, but hey he likes it and I'm cool...so I love it...less work for me.
I mean as a teen I was happy with my afro that grew in my special place...it meant I was a woman, well growing up at least. And I was always comfortable with hair. So, just because...some new fade of pubescent naked and bare adult snatch hit the scene, I didn't have to join the ranks. I forgot the 'be a leader not a follower' quote. LOL.
Hmmmmm, Let's see how long it takes for me to become full cave woman. LMAOROTF!!!!
Until, I got older. Once I became grown and sexy, I learned that less was more. And that men liked a clean poonanee (in all senses of the word). I even had friends that were wax gurus, but I was always too scared to actually do it. But one day, I did try it...and LOVED it! And became a true fan and advocate of the Brazilian wax. No itchy grow back and it last for weeks. THEN....the economy hit, so I had to stop. *crying*
However, though I no longer wax, I do still keep my little lady well groomed...UNTIL!!!! By special request my boo asked me not to shave...HMMMMM, though there were many thoughts behind this request, I happily obliged and haven't shaved in almost 2 months. Well let me edit that...I have shaved the attempted wholly mammoth that tried to grow between and down my legs. But I currently do in fact have a big foot down there.... LMAO!!!! I haven't had this much hair on my pussy in years!!! And funny thing, is I'm cool. I like not having to deal with the itchy grow back, the ingrown hairs and I like the grown woman look.
So, a funny situation ensued...my boo and I were about to have relations and I was lets say very self conscious. I hadn't really thought about the wild amazon that had been growing down there until the moment he touched my panties. But since by his request, he seemed thrilled to feel the goonie goo that has replaced his once perfectly pruned garden, we kept it moving. But I was still feeling a kinda way. I mean, I can grow it till I'm a full fledged orangutan, but it's something about letting him see it that way that makes me wince.
Silly I know, but hey he likes it and I'm cool...so I love it...less work for me.
I mean as a teen I was happy with my afro that grew in my special place...it meant I was a woman, well growing up at least. And I was always comfortable with hair. So, just because...some new fade of pubescent naked and bare adult snatch hit the scene, I didn't have to join the ranks. I forgot the 'be a leader not a follower' quote. LOL.
Hmmmmm, Let's see how long it takes for me to become full cave woman. LMAOROTF!!!!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Mama
Today's my mom's birthday. I would normally be stressing over what to get and/or what to send her but this year, I'll send her a card with a gift card in it and call it a day. I always wish I could do alot more for my mother and only want and wish her the best. But, I wish she wanted the same. It's too bad, that people often just give up and stop caring, about themselves and or life in general. So, today I'm conflicted about my mama.
My mother and I have had a very tumultuous past few months. She's been literally on her death bed a few times. So scary, thinking she may not live to see another birthday. I try to avoid those thoughts of what not having my mother and what that would look like, but they seem to haunt me. And by the grace of God, she seems to cheat death again and again. But when she's healthy, we argue about about her life choices that seem to continue to land her in the hospital. And we eventually stop talking. And we don't talk for weeks and months...and it kills me. Because no one should never not talk to their mothers.
The mother child relationship has to be the most dynamic relationship in the world. This dynamic is so deep and profound...it can explain, justify and provide understanding of why, how and who people are and become due to their relationships and/or the lack there of with their mothers. The same is true for father child relationships, but today I'm talking about mothers. And mine has made me a crazy woman... But I digress.
I don't like not talking to my mom. And I only prey she is doing what she wants today and is happy and healthy!!!
Happy Birthday, Mommy....
My mother and I have had a very tumultuous past few months. She's been literally on her death bed a few times. So scary, thinking she may not live to see another birthday. I try to avoid those thoughts of what not having my mother and what that would look like, but they seem to haunt me. And by the grace of God, she seems to cheat death again and again. But when she's healthy, we argue about about her life choices that seem to continue to land her in the hospital. And we eventually stop talking. And we don't talk for weeks and months...and it kills me. Because no one should never not talk to their mothers.
The mother child relationship has to be the most dynamic relationship in the world. This dynamic is so deep and profound...it can explain, justify and provide understanding of why, how and who people are and become due to their relationships and/or the lack there of with their mothers. The same is true for father child relationships, but today I'm talking about mothers. And mine has made me a crazy woman... But I digress.
I don't like not talking to my mom. And I only prey she is doing what she wants today and is happy and healthy!!!
Happy Birthday, Mommy....
Friday, April 16, 2010
Stamina-Rx
I recently lost my check card, so I've had to use cash lately. I actually had to go into a gas station and pay for gas. I only mention this because, while in a gas station I noticed all the products they sell at the counter besides gum cigarettes and condoms. What really caught my eye was the plethora of sexual enhancement pills, specifically Stamina-Rx. Stamina-Rx is a little blue pill, that since it's with all the other sex enhancement pills...I'll just say it's a gas station version of Viagra. Anyway, to put all this into persprective. I never thought about it before. But my guy friend use to have hundreds of packages of them. Like he had stock in it. And I never read what it was (that was way too invasive of privacy) or cared until, I found a few empty packages AND condoms. I made a joke one day about it and he told me it was for energy. Energy for what? I didn't work him out like that...So, YEAH, I bet.
The shit I ignored and was always right in front of my face.....
The shit I ignored and was always right in front of my face.....
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Response to Follower
I recently received an e-mail from a follower of my blog. I must say, I was surprised! But I do appreciate her (maybe his) following and sentiment. It's reads....
"Dear Ms.asharpwomanslife, I've followed your blog now for about 3 months. I'm also a single parent and wanting to get my groove back. I like your honest and upfront tone in your blog about love, relationships and being a single parent and how you cope. But, I must say, I went back to read your older post and I'm alittle confused. My confusion started with your 3 strikes & your out post. It seemed that you have been in a relationship with your "boo", "guy friend" for some time now. But state that you've only had 3 real realtionships,your husband, a lover, and the love of your life. So is your "boo" or "guy friend" the love of your life? And then, here in lies the confusion and more so, what I would think to be a problem. In various post you blogged about "his wedding", "text messages" "why we fight" and "I miss us" so were these about your lover or your boo? Because, if they are about your boo aka the love of your life. He can't be the love of your life!"
Confused
And there it is...you put your life on blogger.com and they call you out. LOL. I loved it! Yes, Confused, you are correct and in fact NOT confused at all...
All of those post were about the love of my life. Actually the ONLY 2 about my lover were the ones titled "Out of the Blue". I think I'm pretty clear about the ones about my ex husband. But the others are indeed about, "the love of my life" So, yes...if you do read or have read them all and put it into context maybe you can see our or my roller coaster of emotions about us. There has been ALOT of funky shit that he has done and I added fuel to the fire. So, I am not without some blame. But all I can say is, you can't help who you love. But I DO know! I will NEVER let myself be there EVER AGAIN. and I'm NOT CONFUSED!!!!
Thanks for your e-mail. Keep reading, I have lots more random shit to blog about. Nice to know, someone is reading :)
"Dear Ms.asharpwomanslife, I've followed your blog now for about 3 months. I'm also a single parent and wanting to get my groove back. I like your honest and upfront tone in your blog about love, relationships and being a single parent and how you cope. But, I must say, I went back to read your older post and I'm alittle confused. My confusion started with your 3 strikes & your out post. It seemed that you have been in a relationship with your "boo", "guy friend" for some time now. But state that you've only had 3 real realtionships,your husband, a lover, and the love of your life. So is your "boo" or "guy friend" the love of your life? And then, here in lies the confusion and more so, what I would think to be a problem. In various post you blogged about "his wedding", "text messages" "why we fight" and "I miss us" so were these about your lover or your boo? Because, if they are about your boo aka the love of your life. He can't be the love of your life!"
Confused
And there it is...you put your life on blogger.com and they call you out. LOL. I loved it! Yes, Confused, you are correct and in fact NOT confused at all...
All of those post were about the love of my life. Actually the ONLY 2 about my lover were the ones titled "Out of the Blue". I think I'm pretty clear about the ones about my ex husband. But the others are indeed about, "the love of my life" So, yes...if you do read or have read them all and put it into context maybe you can see our or my roller coaster of emotions about us. There has been ALOT of funky shit that he has done and I added fuel to the fire. So, I am not without some blame. But all I can say is, you can't help who you love. But I DO know! I will NEVER let myself be there EVER AGAIN. and I'm NOT CONFUSED!!!!
Thanks for your e-mail. Keep reading, I have lots more random shit to blog about. Nice to know, someone is reading :)
Saturday, April 10, 2010
they have NO KIDS
I don't regret anything about when I had my children. (Maybe who I had them with, but that's about it). They are the most beautiful thing I could have ever done in and with my life. I also know of the many women that are unable to have children and try so desperately to concieve, but are unsucsessful. I would love to donate eggs and or be a saragote to any of those women at any time. HONESTLY! And so, this is not about them. But, this is my disclaimer before anyone thinks, I'm hating or regretting my blessings of motherhood...
It drives me crazy when I hear or read about single, sucessful, and beautiful women complain about their lives of emptiness...they have no man, they have no children and they seem to be sooo unhappy. WTF, snap out of it and enjoy life!!! I so often wish, that I could just decide to drop everything, up and move and start over with my life every other year. Or, decide that I no longer want to work in whatever field and just start a new career. I wish I could just go back to school and be a life student and not worry about anybody elses tuition but mine!!! I wish I could be selfish and not have to be responsible or worry about anyone else but me. I wish I only had MY schedule to worry about. I wish I could worry only about MY shelter, food and how I will survive on a daily. I wish I could purchase the shoes and clothes I really want instead of compromising. I want to just go on a vacation on a whim, without thinking twice, planning around or feeling bad about it. I wish I didn't have to be so stressed about making ends meet or financial obligations because... I just wish!
But, that is not the case and so when I hear all these self proclaimed self help diva's dishing out advice about this and that (of which never takes into consideration women with children and how certain decisions, can, could, and would effect them) it truely pisses me off! I recently read how one unhappy lady, decided to up and move to New York to start a new carrer. In her reading, she was encouraging self impowerment and blah, blah, blah. I would never do that...and pull my children out of their great schools. Yeah right. WOW, what an expereince I'm sure it could be for me... I then read how another lady, decided to quit her job as a Lead CPA for a huge company to just write a book and go on a book tour, promoting her book. She was encouraging self improvement. And WOW, how I wish I could just write and publish my books and then go on book tours... Again, YEAH RIGHT!!! And I won't even mention the whole dating doctors...What the hell do I look like hanging out all the damn time and dating various men off and on. What type of message would I be sending to my daughter?!?! And what type of schedule would that look like?
Yeah, so all the self help, improvement, date divas, self impowerment and you go girls that can just do what they do... THEY ARE ANNOYING!!!!
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE Myself! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE my children and I know that I am a PHENOMANAL woman that can be and do anything (within the guidelines of my children LOL)!!! I have internal conflicts like the next woman, but I am and will be fine! The by chance self help, improvement, and dating advice and info I've heard and/or I've read...is just that. By chance! I don't take the shit they say seriously, to heart or even use what they say....because THEY HAVE NO KIDS!!!!
It drives me crazy when I hear or read about single, sucessful, and beautiful women complain about their lives of emptiness...they have no man, they have no children and they seem to be sooo unhappy. WTF, snap out of it and enjoy life!!! I so often wish, that I could just decide to drop everything, up and move and start over with my life every other year. Or, decide that I no longer want to work in whatever field and just start a new career. I wish I could just go back to school and be a life student and not worry about anybody elses tuition but mine!!! I wish I could be selfish and not have to be responsible or worry about anyone else but me. I wish I only had MY schedule to worry about. I wish I could worry only about MY shelter, food and how I will survive on a daily. I wish I could purchase the shoes and clothes I really want instead of compromising. I want to just go on a vacation on a whim, without thinking twice, planning around or feeling bad about it. I wish I didn't have to be so stressed about making ends meet or financial obligations because... I just wish!
But, that is not the case and so when I hear all these self proclaimed self help diva's dishing out advice about this and that (of which never takes into consideration women with children and how certain decisions, can, could, and would effect them) it truely pisses me off! I recently read how one unhappy lady, decided to up and move to New York to start a new carrer. In her reading, she was encouraging self impowerment and blah, blah, blah. I would never do that...and pull my children out of their great schools. Yeah right. WOW, what an expereince I'm sure it could be for me... I then read how another lady, decided to quit her job as a Lead CPA for a huge company to just write a book and go on a book tour, promoting her book. She was encouraging self improvement. And WOW, how I wish I could just write and publish my books and then go on book tours... Again, YEAH RIGHT!!! And I won't even mention the whole dating doctors...What the hell do I look like hanging out all the damn time and dating various men off and on. What type of message would I be sending to my daughter?!?! And what type of schedule would that look like?
Yeah, so all the self help, improvement, date divas, self impowerment and you go girls that can just do what they do... THEY ARE ANNOYING!!!!
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE Myself! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE my children and I know that I am a PHENOMANAL woman that can be and do anything (within the guidelines of my children LOL)!!! I have internal conflicts like the next woman, but I am and will be fine! The by chance self help, improvement, and dating advice and info I've heard and/or I've read...is just that. By chance! I don't take the shit they say seriously, to heart or even use what they say....because THEY HAVE NO KIDS!!!!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Just Sex
Is it possible for two people that really love each other but are no longer together to just have sex? Can you really separate the two...sex and emotions? Is and was our shit so fucked up that, the only thing we can do at this point is to have "just sex"? We can still laugh, act civil, and be intimate, but we can't seem to make our shit work. The chemistry is CRAZY. The sex is AMAZING! But is that really all? I suppose anyone can have great sex, but can anyone have great chemistry? Does intimacy not mean anything anymore? The kissing, the holding and the wanting and needing to please your partner. Chemistry, intimacy, and love makes really good sex/great sex....PHENOMENAL SEX!!! I mean shit, You can get up and go after really good sex, people pay for great sex and anyone can create an environment of pleasure for just sex. But chemistry?!. It's not just sex!
But if, just sex is what I can get...I'll take it.
But if, just sex is what I can get...I'll take it.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
New Therapy
So, my road trip has driven me to South Carolina. An eight hour drive (I didn't drive straight through) and worth it!!!! I'm using my Marriott points and staying at one of the resorts here. I'm gonna use all my points...to eat, go to the spa and anything else included in my package. It's beautiful here!!! The weather is great, 80+degrees and the water looks nice (but I probably won't get in it, I'll wear my bikini and look cute, but not swim). I brought my golf clubs, and though I don't "play", I will practice and hit some balls. That sounds VERY FUNNY!!!! And though, it's no where close to South Beach, Myrtle Beach it is.....
The drive was theraputic! And since I haven't seen my therapist in a few weeks now, I may just drive from now on to clear my head. I mean, most of the shit we talked about, I already knew...just never said it outloud, or never wanted to own it. Having an honest, unbiased, nonjudmental opionin or feedback of my thoughts, feelings, actions and experiences in itself was helpful. But, how long could I hold on to such a crutch. I'm a big girl, wearing big girl panties now and know what I need to (well at least should) do. So, though therapy was extremely beneficial and I learned alot about myself...there are some things that NOONE can say, do, or tell you to REALLY deal with this thing called life! And so, with little conflict, I had to break up with my therapist. Driving, is my new therapy outlet. I just nhope I don't wreck. LOL
The drive was theraputic! And since I haven't seen my therapist in a few weeks now, I may just drive from now on to clear my head. I mean, most of the shit we talked about, I already knew...just never said it outloud, or never wanted to own it. Having an honest, unbiased, nonjudmental opionin or feedback of my thoughts, feelings, actions and experiences in itself was helpful. But, how long could I hold on to such a crutch. I'm a big girl, wearing big girl panties now and know what I need to (well at least should) do. So, though therapy was extremely beneficial and I learned alot about myself...there are some things that NOONE can say, do, or tell you to REALLY deal with this thing called life! And so, with little conflict, I had to break up with my therapist. Driving, is my new therapy outlet. I just nhope I don't wreck. LOL
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Road Trip
OK, so....my daughter is gone. Been gone. Nice, France. Has been, having a ball! I've gotten pictures, e-mails and recently skyped with her. SOOOOOO, happy she got this experience! SOOOO, happy she is having fun! And my son....well, he finally got a flight out on his buddy pass to Colorado. So he is in Denver at a Bar-B-Q as I type this blog.....
And I... Well, I'm preparing to get away. I haven't had to be responsible for my children in a while. A LONG while! Well, responsible in the sense that they are not in the house and or I have to worry about a school schedule. So, I want to get away. I looked at flights, to everywhere!!! Flights are so expensive, when you try to fly last minute. I would've loved to have visited the DR, but that's another story.... So, with the last minute travel arrangements...what do I do? ROAD TRIP!!!! Hey, I love to drive, so what the hell.
I've rented a car (already blogged about my scary and illegal car situation, sooo) and I'm just gonna drive. Drive south. South sounds good! Love the southern hospitality! There may be some photo shoot opportunities in Virgina Beach. And South makes sense. But, honestly, I'm thinking more like South Beach!!! I need the heat. I want the excitement! I want and need to just get away! Nothing better than a good ole...ROAD TRIP!!!!
And I... Well, I'm preparing to get away. I haven't had to be responsible for my children in a while. A LONG while! Well, responsible in the sense that they are not in the house and or I have to worry about a school schedule. So, I want to get away. I looked at flights, to everywhere!!! Flights are so expensive, when you try to fly last minute. I would've loved to have visited the DR, but that's another story.... So, with the last minute travel arrangements...what do I do? ROAD TRIP!!!! Hey, I love to drive, so what the hell.
I've rented a car (already blogged about my scary and illegal car situation, sooo) and I'm just gonna drive. Drive south. South sounds good! Love the southern hospitality! There may be some photo shoot opportunities in Virgina Beach. And South makes sense. But, honestly, I'm thinking more like South Beach!!! I need the heat. I want the excitement! I want and need to just get away! Nothing better than a good ole...ROAD TRIP!!!!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Spring Break Deffered
And like usual, I leave it to my ex husband to take care of my son's travel plans for Spring Break...and he didn't come through. My son is still here and is disappointed that his plans for Spring Break have not manifested. His hopes were to go to Colorado, to get away...spend time with friends and family. Not my choice for Spring Break...but hey. All I know is that, it's Sunday...Spring Break started on Thursday, the plan was for him to be on a plane that morning and it didn't happen. He was packed and ready to go, but went nowhere. I will not say a word.
I hate looking at my son's face as he sulks because his father has not come through. I will not be the one to say "I told you so" He always seems to believe in his father and his ability to make the impossible happen. I say nada! However, I go above and beyond for the daily and regular things, but it's what his father seems to do to make the world turn. My daughter on the other hand, knows reality...her world rotates on another axis...her "step daddy --" She loves him and knows the world rotates on his axis. She by the way, is gone...is in France.
So, my son waits and I as well. I thought on Wednesday night I would be on a plane myself by now. But I too, am reconsidering what to do with Spring Break. I mean hey, how many times a year do I get a break? But, I didn't want my son to do nothing and considered a road trip for us... This still may be an option as time continues to get pass me.
Guess Spring Break is Deferred.
I hate looking at my son's face as he sulks because his father has not come through. I will not be the one to say "I told you so" He always seems to believe in his father and his ability to make the impossible happen. I say nada! However, I go above and beyond for the daily and regular things, but it's what his father seems to do to make the world turn. My daughter on the other hand, knows reality...her world rotates on another axis...her "step daddy --" She loves him and knows the world rotates on his axis. She by the way, is gone...is in France.
So, my son waits and I as well. I thought on Wednesday night I would be on a plane myself by now. But I too, am reconsidering what to do with Spring Break. I mean hey, how many times a year do I get a break? But, I didn't want my son to do nothing and considered a road trip for us... This still may be an option as time continues to get pass me.
Guess Spring Break is Deferred.
Friday, March 26, 2010
3 Strikes...your out
So I decided! I'm DONE!!! I've been married...FAILED! Had a lover...FAILED! Had the LOVE of my life...FAILED. A girl can only take so much failure, so I'm done!!! And just like that, I CAN and have decided to never give my heart again. I will not fall in, be in or love again. I refuse to set my self up for failure ever again! I'm an over achiever and failure I just can't and won't do again!!!
Funny thing is, I'm the first to say, "I love LOVE", love being in love and support as well as encourage love. I'm a hopeless romantic. Love the candles, roses, bubble baths, kisses on the forehead/neck/cheek, the walks on the beach and all the mushy bullshit too. But I obviously can't seem to get this love thing straight, So, I've decided to never love again!!! Relationships and love are for the birds. I can't keep giving and trying to be the best...wife, lover, girlfriend...whatever for my health any more!!! I know I'm a damn good woman, and for the 3 that let me get away... YOUR BAD!!! YOUR LOSS!!!
I will admit my faults (for we all have them), my mistakes (for we all make them) but mine were No worse than the faults and mistakes made unto me. I will not be responsible, for the breakdowns in my relationships. I may have fucked up, but his fuck ups were much worse. I may have lied, but his lies were the WORST! And at the end of the day, I will not be the blame for these fuckin men's inability to give me what I want, need, and deserve!
I want to be loved and made love to. I want him to know me...I want him to know my likes and dislikes. Know when I'm happy, mad, or sad. Know what the tone in my voice means. Know when I'm trying hard to make his day, or make him smile and keep him happy. I don't want to be someone else around him, because I'm afraid he will judge or hold it against me later. I want and need him to know that I want and need his love, affection and attention-that his text, e-mails and calls are the highlight of my day (yeah, I may get others...but they mean SHIT!). I need him to know that I need his daily words of support and encouragement. I need him to know that I want and need to be in his arms at night. I need him to know that I am a priority, NOT an option. I need him to know that when I say, "I'm gonna go", I want him to say "I want you to stay"! Because, I know we will argue, who doesn't? It's human nature. It would be un-natural not to. But, I'm also gonna need him to put me in my place sometimes, because I know I get SHARP about the tongue sometimes.
I need him to know that my goodies are only his goodies! And that I only move like that for him...I want him to know what it means when my eyes roll back in my head, what my high pitched sigh means, or what the arch in my back is about when he makes love to me. He will know when I'm in the mood and He will be happy that he is the only one to satisfy me.
I mean hey, I'm a love love kinda girl and I deserED those things. But they're not gonna ever happen. I've given up!!! I will look no more or ever again. I don't think there's a man out there, or that there is a man that can or will ever love me like that! So, I'm DONE!
I'm no longer delusional about my Prince Charming, Knight and Shinning Armor or My Tarzan. For me, he doesn't fucking exist. I've given up on my fantasy. That fairytale was just bullshit. I've awaken from that dream! I'm no longer delusional about what it means to be faithful, exclusive and monogamous. I'm no longer delusional about men's ability to NOT cheat. There's been and is currently a new phenomenon and philosophy of open relationships and marriages... Poly-relationships?!?! WTF!?!? So, why should I continue to live in oblivion? I won't! I'm no longer delusional about what a man wants and needs. I'm no longer delusional. I refuse to be! I refuse to fail again!
So, I love sports... with football you need a 1st down (a few 1st downs), then a touch down...the team with the most touchdowns wins. Basketball-a good layup, some free throws, three pointer a few slam dunks, and the team with the most points wins and I also know alittle about baseball...1st base, second base third...maybe a home run...after 9 innings the team with the most points wins. BUT!!!! I also know, that in baseball...3 strikes and your out!!!! So, for me...GAME OVER!!!
Funny thing is, I'm the first to say, "I love LOVE", love being in love and support as well as encourage love. I'm a hopeless romantic. Love the candles, roses, bubble baths, kisses on the forehead/neck/cheek, the walks on the beach and all the mushy bullshit too. But I obviously can't seem to get this love thing straight, So, I've decided to never love again!!! Relationships and love are for the birds. I can't keep giving and trying to be the best...wife, lover, girlfriend...whatever for my health any more!!! I know I'm a damn good woman, and for the 3 that let me get away... YOUR BAD!!! YOUR LOSS!!!
I will admit my faults (for we all have them), my mistakes (for we all make them) but mine were No worse than the faults and mistakes made unto me. I will not be responsible, for the breakdowns in my relationships. I may have fucked up, but his fuck ups were much worse. I may have lied, but his lies were the WORST! And at the end of the day, I will not be the blame for these fuckin men's inability to give me what I want, need, and deserve!
I want to be loved and made love to. I want him to know me...I want him to know my likes and dislikes. Know when I'm happy, mad, or sad. Know what the tone in my voice means. Know when I'm trying hard to make his day, or make him smile and keep him happy. I don't want to be someone else around him, because I'm afraid he will judge or hold it against me later. I want and need him to know that I want and need his love, affection and attention-that his text, e-mails and calls are the highlight of my day (yeah, I may get others...but they mean SHIT!). I need him to know that I need his daily words of support and encouragement. I need him to know that I want and need to be in his arms at night. I need him to know that I am a priority, NOT an option. I need him to know that when I say, "I'm gonna go", I want him to say "I want you to stay"! Because, I know we will argue, who doesn't? It's human nature. It would be un-natural not to. But, I'm also gonna need him to put me in my place sometimes, because I know I get SHARP about the tongue sometimes.
I need him to know that my goodies are only his goodies! And that I only move like that for him...I want him to know what it means when my eyes roll back in my head, what my high pitched sigh means, or what the arch in my back is about when he makes love to me. He will know when I'm in the mood and He will be happy that he is the only one to satisfy me.
I mean hey, I'm a love love kinda girl and I deserED those things. But they're not gonna ever happen. I've given up!!! I will look no more or ever again. I don't think there's a man out there, or that there is a man that can or will ever love me like that! So, I'm DONE!
I'm no longer delusional about my Prince Charming, Knight and Shinning Armor or My Tarzan. For me, he doesn't fucking exist. I've given up on my fantasy. That fairytale was just bullshit. I've awaken from that dream! I'm no longer delusional about what it means to be faithful, exclusive and monogamous. I'm no longer delusional about men's ability to NOT cheat. There's been and is currently a new phenomenon and philosophy of open relationships and marriages... Poly-relationships?!?! WTF!?!? So, why should I continue to live in oblivion? I won't! I'm no longer delusional about what a man wants and needs. I'm no longer delusional. I refuse to be! I refuse to fail again!
So, I love sports... with football you need a 1st down (a few 1st downs), then a touch down...the team with the most touchdowns wins. Basketball-a good layup, some free throws, three pointer a few slam dunks, and the team with the most points wins and I also know alittle about baseball...1st base, second base third...maybe a home run...after 9 innings the team with the most points wins. BUT!!!! I also know, that in baseball...3 strikes and your out!!!! So, for me...GAME OVER!!!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Twilight Hype?!
Stephanie Meyers is making millions off her vampire vs. werewolf LOVE story... And with the movies out with the top actor and actresses in them, t-shirts, posters, actions figures...and more, all = $$$! She has tweens, teens, and grown woman all over the world hooked. Even my daughter...
My daughter read the entire series in a week and 2 days. She found the not suppose to be released 5th book on the internet. She saw both movies on opening night, created a Cullen SIMS family and the next time we go to Washington, is planning a trip to Forks. I just didn't get it. Until...
Until, my daughter pushed, pushed and pushed and I read Twilight. I actually enjoyed it. Then I saw the movie. I was disappointed, the movie was nothing like the book. I really hate when movie directors do that. So, then I read New Moon. I liked it even more than the 1st. I couldn't wait for the DVD to come out. I watched the movie like a true fan, sitting on the edge of my seat. Go TEAM VAMPIRE, or do I say GO TEAM EDWARD? Either way, now I'm on the 3rd book and can't seem to put the book down. (well with the exception, to blog) Who knew, I'm reading the damn series like a fan. I love the love story!!!
I'm contributing to the Twilight hype.
My daughter read the entire series in a week and 2 days. She found the not suppose to be released 5th book on the internet. She saw both movies on opening night, created a Cullen SIMS family and the next time we go to Washington, is planning a trip to Forks. I just didn't get it. Until...
Until, my daughter pushed, pushed and pushed and I read Twilight. I actually enjoyed it. Then I saw the movie. I was disappointed, the movie was nothing like the book. I really hate when movie directors do that. So, then I read New Moon. I liked it even more than the 1st. I couldn't wait for the DVD to come out. I watched the movie like a true fan, sitting on the edge of my seat. Go TEAM VAMPIRE, or do I say GO TEAM EDWARD? Either way, now I'm on the 3rd book and can't seem to put the book down. (well with the exception, to blog) Who knew, I'm reading the damn series like a fan. I love the love story!!!
I'm contributing to the Twilight hype.
No Kids
Spring Break....I have no kids. I have no idea what to do with myself. I gotta figure some shit out, cause a week + with no kids, I could go crazy. But I refuse.....
Me time here I come
Me time here I come
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Pulled Over
Riding dirty, slang for driving illegally in any sense of the word. I'm there, and have been for a while now. My heart sits in my stomach every time I get into my car. It is the most stressful thing I do on a daily basis.
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, "take care of the situation", "get another car", or "get a ride". I've heard those and more. Easier said than done. I would love to fix my situation or get another car. I'm just not in that position to do so....so, I drive ride dirty all the time. Risking it all...jail, car towed and not getting it back and more. But I do it cause I gotta get me and my kids from here and there. Now I have had some on my side that have come through for me and I love and thank them....but the majority. Dirty.
So...I've been pulled over a few times and have been able to get away with warnings. THANK GOD!!!!! The image of the state police in your rear view, then the sirens, and then the "Can I have your license and registration"... is heart stopping. I put on my bestes "oh mr. officer *batting my eyes* behavior and pray for the best. But the entire time while I sit on the side of the road I think of all the possible outcomes...the "mam can you step outta the car", a high speed chase, or crazier that the police car has a dash cam and I'll be on the nightly news or cops...
I gotta get my shit together. Pray for me ya'll.....
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, "take care of the situation", "get another car", or "get a ride". I've heard those and more. Easier said than done. I would love to fix my situation or get another car. I'm just not in that position to do so....so, I drive ride dirty all the time. Risking it all...jail, car towed and not getting it back and more. But I do it cause I gotta get me and my kids from here and there. Now I have had some on my side that have come through for me and I love and thank them....but the majority. Dirty.
So...I've been pulled over a few times and have been able to get away with warnings. THANK GOD!!!!! The image of the state police in your rear view, then the sirens, and then the "Can I have your license and registration"... is heart stopping. I put on my bestes "oh mr. officer *batting my eyes* behavior and pray for the best. But the entire time while I sit on the side of the road I think of all the possible outcomes...the "mam can you step outta the car", a high speed chase, or crazier that the police car has a dash cam and I'll be on the nightly news or cops...
I gotta get my shit together. Pray for me ya'll.....
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The Planes Over Head
He wanted to be a pilot. He started taking lessons. He took me up in one of those little planes a couple of times. It was amazing. I felt so safe with him.
I woke up to the sound of (single engine) planes over my house today. And I started to cry. I miss him so much... It's gonna be a horrible day.
I woke up to the sound of (single engine) planes over my house today. And I started to cry. I miss him so much... It's gonna be a horrible day.
Going out
WOW!!!! So, I haven't been out alone, on purpose by myself in soooo long.... I coordinated a friends birthday party and had to attend. So... I stood in line...What the hell? I haven't stood in a line in years!!! And then, had to pay a cover. A cover, what the hell is a cover? I haven't had to pay one of those in years as well. Guess my ass has just been spoiled...
After getting in, I was there for about 5 minutes...and I was ready to go!!!! But, I overcame...because I'm a good friend and hung for as long as I could! I said to myself, "I will leave at 11:30" and I laughed out loud at that, because who says, I'll leave at 11:30? Moreover, who the hell leaves at 11:30?
But, I endured... I waited in line, I paid a bullshit ass cover and went to the VIP section where the b-day party commenced... I bought myself and the birthday boy a drink and sipped for 1 and half hours... Yes, I drank ONE drink!!! LOL I was really ready to go!!! The men were wack! conversatio9ns boring! the music was only OK, the drinks were weak, the food was over priced and bland and I just wanted to be in my bed... I texted my daughter the duration of the time. And I thought of my baby, who I'm sure wasn't thinking of me.... I paid my tab and rolled the hell out! And now... I'm home at 12:02am on a Friday night/Saturday morning blogging...WTF?!?! so much for going out....
After getting in, I was there for about 5 minutes...and I was ready to go!!!! But, I overcame...because I'm a good friend and hung for as long as I could! I said to myself, "I will leave at 11:30" and I laughed out loud at that, because who says, I'll leave at 11:30? Moreover, who the hell leaves at 11:30?
But, I endured... I waited in line, I paid a bullshit ass cover and went to the VIP section where the b-day party commenced... I bought myself and the birthday boy a drink and sipped for 1 and half hours... Yes, I drank ONE drink!!! LOL I was really ready to go!!! The men were wack! conversatio9ns boring! the music was only OK, the drinks were weak, the food was over priced and bland and I just wanted to be in my bed... I texted my daughter the duration of the time. And I thought of my baby, who I'm sure wasn't thinking of me.... I paid my tab and rolled the hell out! And now... I'm home at 12:02am on a Friday night/Saturday morning blogging...WTF?!?! so much for going out....
Friday, March 19, 2010
Texts Messages
I read his text messages. Ever single one. I hate that I did, because when you look you will definitely find something...I didn't want to know the truth. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
He would text when we were together... "thinking of u", "wish u were here", "where u @?", "what's up w/ u later" etc. Oh, and then there were the good old sexts...they were all pretty explicit and detailed... Why? Was he really thinking of them? Or was it just a game? Did he really wish she was there? Or was it just about getting his dick sucked?
I mean he wouldn't even lie about where he was or what he was doing, just that he wasn't with me. I was so stupid, to think it was just me. And reading them made me feel even more stupid. The missing times, dates, and places began to fall into place. The supposed meetings turned into sexapades and conference calls tuned into phone sex. I was none the wiser.
The model, the bartender, the Ethiopian, the dancer/yoga instructor, the purse designer/hospital supervisor, the one who loved to give head, the one who loved it in her ass... And so many more...wish I would've read the text messages ALOT sooner!!!!
He would text when we were together... "thinking of u", "wish u were here", "where u @?", "what's up w/ u later" etc. Oh, and then there were the good old sexts...they were all pretty explicit and detailed... Why? Was he really thinking of them? Or was it just a game? Did he really wish she was there? Or was it just about getting his dick sucked?
I mean he wouldn't even lie about where he was or what he was doing, just that he wasn't with me. I was so stupid, to think it was just me. And reading them made me feel even more stupid. The missing times, dates, and places began to fall into place. The supposed meetings turned into sexapades and conference calls tuned into phone sex. I was none the wiser.
The model, the bartender, the Ethiopian, the dancer/yoga instructor, the purse designer/hospital supervisor, the one who loved to give head, the one who loved it in her ass... And so many more...wish I would've read the text messages ALOT sooner!!!!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
The usual topic
I had the opportunity of meeting 2 lovely young ladies. Only after a few hours, we were talking like we had been friends for years. And the usual subject matter...MEN.
*Insecurity vs. Woman's intuition, *Marriage, *Should I stay or should I go?, *I know he's cheating/Well I think he's cheating, *Baby daddies, and *Facebook LOL
We lost track of time just bantering about it all. No matter the circumstance...single, attached, co-habitants, dating, engaged, married, divorced, separated, about to break-up, we all have our own perspective of the male counter part. We've all had 1 or 20 experiences with men. Relationships with men can prove to be one of the most difficult things many of us do. And we are always questioning what it is that we are doing or should be doing in the relationship. We question our feelings, thoughts, philosophies, actions and we doubt our intuitions. We push away our families and friends, we become someone else.
At the end of the day...there are so many really good woman out there that just want to give love and be loved. And so many woman just want to be in good relationships. I don't know why it's so difficult. Or why men seem to be the common factor of the difficulty. And maybe I'm bot being fair by blaming men...BUT, statistics and research and rates all seem to show that there is a deficiency in the male make up (for relationships)...May they be gay, incarcerated, liars, pathological cheaters, sexually addicted, demanding egotistical misogynistic assholes, or just the inability to commit. Women will continue to question men and our relationships with them.
I enjoyed our talk and will definitely talk with them again and will also begin more dialogue with women about our take on men on earth but from Mars!!!
*Insecurity vs. Woman's intuition, *Marriage, *Should I stay or should I go?, *I know he's cheating/Well I think he's cheating, *Baby daddies, and *Facebook LOL
We lost track of time just bantering about it all. No matter the circumstance...single, attached, co-habitants, dating, engaged, married, divorced, separated, about to break-up, we all have our own perspective of the male counter part. We've all had 1 or 20 experiences with men. Relationships with men can prove to be one of the most difficult things many of us do. And we are always questioning what it is that we are doing or should be doing in the relationship. We question our feelings, thoughts, philosophies, actions and we doubt our intuitions. We push away our families and friends, we become someone else.
At the end of the day...there are so many really good woman out there that just want to give love and be loved. And so many woman just want to be in good relationships. I don't know why it's so difficult. Or why men seem to be the common factor of the difficulty. And maybe I'm bot being fair by blaming men...BUT, statistics and research and rates all seem to show that there is a deficiency in the male make up (for relationships)...May they be gay, incarcerated, liars, pathological cheaters, sexually addicted, demanding egotistical misogynistic assholes, or just the inability to commit. Women will continue to question men and our relationships with them.
I enjoyed our talk and will definitely talk with them again and will also begin more dialogue with women about our take on men on earth but from Mars!!!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
DAMAGED!!!
Have you ever been in love? NO, REAL inside and out feel good, in love. The sun rises on the cloudiest of days, in love. The happiest of times of your life can never be forgotten, in love. Yeah...that kind of love.
I now know what love is and what in love really means and how it feels. While I endured the fantasy of love and being in love with my ex husband. I know that in love was never what I really felt with him. However, I was a great wife and remain an amazing woman. I gave him love and did provide unconditional love.
After my ex, I found love. And in love!!! I knew it and felt in my bones!!! BUT that too has has left a sour taste in my mouth...Love has left me disappointed because the TRUTH is what has really broke my heart.
With a broken heart, I will NEVER love again. I will NEVER give my love or heart to another man. I refuse to be hurt again. I am DAMAGED!
I now know what love is and what in love really means and how it feels. While I endured the fantasy of love and being in love with my ex husband. I know that in love was never what I really felt with him. However, I was a great wife and remain an amazing woman. I gave him love and did provide unconditional love.
After my ex, I found love. And in love!!! I knew it and felt in my bones!!! BUT that too has has left a sour taste in my mouth...Love has left me disappointed because the TRUTH is what has really broke my heart.
With a broken heart, I will NEVER love again. I will NEVER give my love or heart to another man. I refuse to be hurt again. I am DAMAGED!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
WhY DO we FiGhT...
AAAARRRGHGHHHHHH, SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING!!!!! I HATE FIGHTING WITH MY BOO!!!!!! WHY THE CONSTANT FIGHT? WHY THE PUSH AND THE PROVOKING? WHY THE WANT OR NEED ME TO HAVE DRAMA? I DON'T WANT OR NEED FUCKING DRAMA. MY LIFE IS WAY TOO VOLATILE, WITHOUT ADDING DRAMA. I LOVE HIS ASS I SWEAR I DO!!! BUT WE ARE REALLY OFF. IT HAS US SO FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW...THAT I DON'T THINK HE'S GONNA MAKE LOVE TO ME WHEN HE GETS BACK INTO TOWN. I'M FEENING SOOOO BAD AND JUST WANT TO BE IN HIS ARMS AND BED. MAD BUT NOT MAD AT THE DICK...
MAYBE, THAT'S WHY I AM, AND GET SO ANNOYED, EASILY PROVOKED....I'M SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED!!! *There is documented research, stating that the lack of sex can have a devastating effect on your emotional and mental state...effects can include but are not limited to, irritability, angry outburst, insecurity, sadness, and withdrawal (sometimes also associated with depression). such effects can lead to uncharacteristic dreams, negative thoughts (and feeling or finding fault with your significant other), separation and possible break-ups* Yep, (I really read numerous articles and watched 2 videos about it) and there in lies MY problem!!!!I TRY TO KEEP IT COOL BUT THEN SNAP. I'M DEFINITELY IN THE IRRITABLE AND ANGRY OUTBURST STAGE.
HMMMM, SO WHAT'S UP WITH HIM???? WHY IS HE SO ANGRY? SHIT WE HAVE ALL THE SPACE IN THE WORLD (ESPECIALLY, SINCE HE'S THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY AND HAS BEEN FOR THE PAST 3 WEEKS). SO, I GUESS, HE'S AT THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND FINDING FAULT STAGE)...I KNOW WE CAN'T ALWAYS BE HAPPY, A FEW FIGHTS HERE AND THERE MAKE SENSE. BUT WHAT ARE WE EVEN FIGHTING ABOUT, IS MY QUESTION?!?!?!?!? I KNOW THERE IS A LOT OF STRESS GOING AROUND, BUT YOU KNOW THEY SAY...SEX CAN DEFINITELY HELP MINIMIZE STRESS!!! SO, I GUESS IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE TIMES :?
ANYWAY....I HATE THAT WE FIGHT. I MISS HIM AND JUST WANT HIM TO COME HOME. THEN WE CAN HAVE MAKE UP SEX :)
MAYBE, THAT'S WHY I AM, AND GET SO ANNOYED, EASILY PROVOKED....I'M SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED!!! *There is documented research, stating that the lack of sex can have a devastating effect on your emotional and mental state...effects can include but are not limited to, irritability, angry outburst, insecurity, sadness, and withdrawal (sometimes also associated with depression). such effects can lead to uncharacteristic dreams, negative thoughts (and feeling or finding fault with your significant other), separation and possible break-ups* Yep, (I really read numerous articles and watched 2 videos about it) and there in lies MY problem!!!!I TRY TO KEEP IT COOL BUT THEN SNAP. I'M DEFINITELY IN THE IRRITABLE AND ANGRY OUTBURST STAGE.
HMMMM, SO WHAT'S UP WITH HIM???? WHY IS HE SO ANGRY? SHIT WE HAVE ALL THE SPACE IN THE WORLD (ESPECIALLY, SINCE HE'S THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY AND HAS BEEN FOR THE PAST 3 WEEKS). SO, I GUESS, HE'S AT THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND FINDING FAULT STAGE)...I KNOW WE CAN'T ALWAYS BE HAPPY, A FEW FIGHTS HERE AND THERE MAKE SENSE. BUT WHAT ARE WE EVEN FIGHTING ABOUT, IS MY QUESTION?!?!?!?!? I KNOW THERE IS A LOT OF STRESS GOING AROUND, BUT YOU KNOW THEY SAY...SEX CAN DEFINITELY HELP MINIMIZE STRESS!!! SO, I GUESS IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE TIMES :?
ANYWAY....I HATE THAT WE FIGHT. I MISS HIM AND JUST WANT HIM TO COME HOME. THEN WE CAN HAVE MAKE UP SEX :)
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
A mouse?
The other day I found a dead mouse in my garage. Surely a little field mouse that got in and couldn't get out. I had to shake the hebbie jebbies off and put my big girl panties on...scoop it up and throw it out. I needed to get poison and traps to prevent future sightings. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But with this circumstance, made me remember another situation. And thinking back, I don't know what I was thinking....
After some good days of time spent, a night of awesome love making. My boo and I laid in bed, basking and spooning each other. His phone begins to ring. Not texts, not e-mails, but ringing...over and over and over... Who would or could be calling him at 2am? He ignored the first 3 or 4, but then decided to answer after the calls wouldn't stop coming. He took the call and returned to bed. He returned different-unsettled, perturbed and distant. So of course I ask, What's up? He initially didn't seem to want to talk about it, but knew I wouldn't let it go... Long story short...his other chic had a mouse in her room and didn't want to stay in her apartment/room what ever?!?!?! And she wanted to go to his house. I guess they had some discussion and she was upset that I was there. She also seemed persistent as well as aggressive and was going to his house regardless. He expressed not wanting drama but didn't know how to resolve the problem. I decided to just leave. No drama, no questions asked. I left. We never discussed the situation again.
WTF?!?!?!? What the fuck??? I'm/I was his main chic! Who the fuck was this bitch? Why was she a priority? Why didn't he put her in her place? Why did he put ME in that situation? Why didn't he protect me? Why did I leave? Why did I not ask for an explanation? What kind of shit is/was that? Even better question...What the fuck was I thinking?!?!?
I was like a timid fucking mouse, that got scooped up and thrown out....
After some good days of time spent, a night of awesome love making. My boo and I laid in bed, basking and spooning each other. His phone begins to ring. Not texts, not e-mails, but ringing...over and over and over... Who would or could be calling him at 2am? He ignored the first 3 or 4, but then decided to answer after the calls wouldn't stop coming. He took the call and returned to bed. He returned different-unsettled, perturbed and distant. So of course I ask, What's up? He initially didn't seem to want to talk about it, but knew I wouldn't let it go... Long story short...his other chic had a mouse in her room and didn't want to stay in her apartment/room what ever?!?!?! And she wanted to go to his house. I guess they had some discussion and she was upset that I was there. She also seemed persistent as well as aggressive and was going to his house regardless. He expressed not wanting drama but didn't know how to resolve the problem. I decided to just leave. No drama, no questions asked. I left. We never discussed the situation again.
WTF?!?!?!? What the fuck??? I'm/I was his main chic! Who the fuck was this bitch? Why was she a priority? Why didn't he put her in her place? Why did he put ME in that situation? Why didn't he protect me? Why did I leave? Why did I not ask for an explanation? What kind of shit is/was that? Even better question...What the fuck was I thinking?!?!?
I was like a timid fucking mouse, that got scooped up and thrown out....
Monday, March 1, 2010
I Miss Us!!!
When we first met, we seemed inseparable. We had so much fun...he made me so happy. He's tall dark and handsome (just like I like 'em), he's kind, smart, confident, compassionate and all that good stuff we like. He was my Knight in Shinning armor, my Tarzan, my prince Charming...he was just mine. We laughed, we danced (well I did, cause he really can't-but is sooo cute when he does), we traveled, we hung out, we did nothing, we did everything. He introduced me to golf (for real), he made me love modeling again, he gave me flight, (in a single engine plane) he introduced me to sexual liberation, he gave me romance, he gave me lopsided gravity, fresh blueberry pancakes...he gave me LOVE and he gave me joy!!!
After a while things changed. I'm sure it was the news about the permanency of her and what it really meant. I was truly hurt and maybe never really recovered. But I wanted to fight for us and make it work...I wanted it to last, he was my life partner. I didn't want to give up. But throughout the relationship there were also many blowers! There were lies, deception, dishonesty and plain hurtful occasions. Committed on both of our parts. I wish I could do it all again.... I wish I could take all my lies, deception and dishonesty back. I wish I could've been more transparent about so many things...my needs, wants and desires. I would think things could've and would've been different.
The arguments got worse and worse. The inability to talk, paralyzed us. And it's so hard to let go when you want to hold on so bad. And so hard to hold on when you may just need to let go....I've never been one to give up easily, and didn't plan to give up at any point. But then, I started to feel like I was fighting for us, by myself. Things had changed. We had changed. Our love changed.
Not sure if I can ever get us back... but I miss us!!!!
After a while things changed. I'm sure it was the news about the permanency of her and what it really meant. I was truly hurt and maybe never really recovered. But I wanted to fight for us and make it work...I wanted it to last, he was my life partner. I didn't want to give up. But throughout the relationship there were also many blowers! There were lies, deception, dishonesty and plain hurtful occasions. Committed on both of our parts. I wish I could do it all again.... I wish I could take all my lies, deception and dishonesty back. I wish I could've been more transparent about so many things...my needs, wants and desires. I would think things could've and would've been different.
The arguments got worse and worse. The inability to talk, paralyzed us. And it's so hard to let go when you want to hold on so bad. And so hard to hold on when you may just need to let go....I've never been one to give up easily, and didn't plan to give up at any point. But then, I started to feel like I was fighting for us, by myself. Things had changed. We had changed. Our love changed.
Not sure if I can ever get us back... but I miss us!!!!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
His Wedding...who knew?!
We had known each other for a few months. I really liked him. NO, I REALLY LIKED him. He was exactly what I wanted, he was exactly what I needed. He treated me like a queen. He made me laugh, he made me happy...This was my new best thing. He had the look, he had the talk, he had swag, he had the goods and he had me wide open...
We laughed, we talked about everything, we were together all the time-he hung out, we traveled, we made love, we were happy, we were a couple.
So...LONG story SHORT!!!!
One weekend, one of his really good friends came into town. That Friday...my girl, me, his boy and him all hung out. We had a good time. They went to a poker party later that night. The next day, his boy my girl and I grabbed lunch. During lunch, his boy mentioned that he was going to a wedding. My girl volunteered to be his date. He declined her invitation and we thought nothing else about it. For the rest of the weekend, my girl and I figured they were male bonding... His boy, then vanished back into the mist.
A few days later, my baby decided to take a trip to St. Thomas. He invited me and I joined him a few days later. We had an amazing trip. Like many of our others, but more special.
Weeks and months went by and I couldn't have been happier...
UNTIL!!!! We went on another trip and I got a rude awakening...he decided to tell me he was married and that he had been married the entire time we had been together.
Yeah, so...
That weekend that his boy came into town and they went to the poker party!?
That was his bachelor party!
AND
That trip to St. Thomas?!
That was his honeymoon!?!? (He sent her home and had me join him?!?!)WTF
AND
That wedding that his friend mentioned he was going to?!
That was HIS wedding..who knew?!
We laughed, we talked about everything, we were together all the time-he hung out, we traveled, we made love, we were happy, we were a couple.
So...LONG story SHORT!!!!
One weekend, one of his really good friends came into town. That Friday...my girl, me, his boy and him all hung out. We had a good time. They went to a poker party later that night. The next day, his boy my girl and I grabbed lunch. During lunch, his boy mentioned that he was going to a wedding. My girl volunteered to be his date. He declined her invitation and we thought nothing else about it. For the rest of the weekend, my girl and I figured they were male bonding... His boy, then vanished back into the mist.
A few days later, my baby decided to take a trip to St. Thomas. He invited me and I joined him a few days later. We had an amazing trip. Like many of our others, but more special.
Weeks and months went by and I couldn't have been happier...
UNTIL!!!! We went on another trip and I got a rude awakening...he decided to tell me he was married and that he had been married the entire time we had been together.
Yeah, so...
That weekend that his boy came into town and they went to the poker party!?
That was his bachelor party!
AND
That trip to St. Thomas?!
That was his honeymoon!?!? (He sent her home and had me join him?!?!)WTF
AND
That wedding that his friend mentioned he was going to?!
That was HIS wedding..who knew?!
His Wedding
When I was 13, I met the sweetest guy. He was kind, fun, smart, and funny. He treated me great and I was happy. We hung out as often as possible and he eventually became one of my best friends. I met and loved his family and he mine. This went on for almost 3 years, till I learned he really liked me. More than liked me, he loved me. He wanted to be more than friends and talked about the future. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I hated that he wanted to change our friendship into something more. I liked how we were. I was good. But, after lots of thought...I figured it may not be so bad, we became a couple.
We had a great summer and then he went away to college. The relationship lasted no time. We broke up but remained really good friends. He was a friend and supportive throughout my 1st pregnancy (he took me to a couple of OB appointments). I was a friend and supported him through an ugly custody battle with his 1st sons mother. And though he didn't like it, he supported me through my many ill fated decisions about my ex-husband.
We maintained a friendship for many years. After my divorce he shared that he loved and was still in love with me. I was taken aback by this proclamation...he had since became involved with a young lady, had another baby, was co-habitating and was planning to marry her. He said he would throw it all away if I would just say the word, WOW!!! (that was 5 years ago)... I took a step back and decided that our friendship was not healthy for him and his relationship. I stopped all communication... I missed my friend but knew it was for the best.
So, the other day...I got an invitation to his wedding.
I won't be going...
We had a great summer and then he went away to college. The relationship lasted no time. We broke up but remained really good friends. He was a friend and supportive throughout my 1st pregnancy (he took me to a couple of OB appointments). I was a friend and supported him through an ugly custody battle with his 1st sons mother. And though he didn't like it, he supported me through my many ill fated decisions about my ex-husband.
We maintained a friendship for many years. After my divorce he shared that he loved and was still in love with me. I was taken aback by this proclamation...he had since became involved with a young lady, had another baby, was co-habitating and was planning to marry her. He said he would throw it all away if I would just say the word, WOW!!! (that was 5 years ago)... I took a step back and decided that our friendship was not healthy for him and his relationship. I stopped all communication... I missed my friend but knew it was for the best.
So, the other day...I got an invitation to his wedding.
I won't be going...
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Emotional Breakdown
There is always that one person that knows how to push your buttons...they know what to do or what to say and how to say it, to send you there. It can be the smallest of things...tone, demeanor, what was said or done, or a combination of them all. The pushing of buttons can creep up in a casual conversation or in the heat of an argument. And as the buttons are pushed, the words slowly send you into a frenzy. You begin to breath slowly, then faster. Your heart rate increases, your legs, foot or hand begins to bounce or tap. You close your eyes and try to hold it all in, but then you snap.
And the anger, rage and frustration ensues. The words start bolting out...they come quickly and uncontrollable. The words are harsh, mean, and not always meant but come out with such potency. All the built up emotions and thoughts of bullshit pierce the silence that has been kept for so long...screaming "Fuck You! Fuck this! Fuck us!"
And the pacing may begin, the packing up of belongings and the tears begin to flow... And you're was there... I was pushed there and I snapped!
I try very hard to shield my venerability, maintain control and protect my sanity and HEART. I love LOVE. I love to give and most definitely love to receive LOVE. I hate having to fight about it. I hate having to prove it and I hate that I keeping having to do both. I also have numerous other internal issues that I know I have to get through. And I think, if I could just conquer the love part, I'm confident the rest would just fall into place. It's really hard not having someone close to just talk and share shit with. But even more difficult to have to deal with all of it alone...all while pretending to always have it together.
And hence, is why I go to therapy...to help me keep all these things in check. I prefer my non-judgmental, non-condescending, sarcastic, nonthreatening and intimidating ear and shoulder. My Dr. doesn't push buttons, but turns knobs. I can say whatever, get it out in the open and analyze my mental state without fear and or rejection. My emotional breakdowns with my Dr. are breakthroughs and I generally feel better after each session. I can scream, cry and/or be happy about what we share and know that I can go back next week and he hasn't held it against me. (Yeah, I suppose because he's getting paid for it. But shit who else do I have?)
So, I had a breakthrough the other day, but not with my Dr. and because I didn't feel better after the session...it just seems like it was an emotional breakdown. :(
And the anger, rage and frustration ensues. The words start bolting out...they come quickly and uncontrollable. The words are harsh, mean, and not always meant but come out with such potency. All the built up emotions and thoughts of bullshit pierce the silence that has been kept for so long...screaming "Fuck You! Fuck this! Fuck us!"
And the pacing may begin, the packing up of belongings and the tears begin to flow... And you're was there... I was pushed there and I snapped!
I try very hard to shield my venerability, maintain control and protect my sanity and HEART. I love LOVE. I love to give and most definitely love to receive LOVE. I hate having to fight about it. I hate having to prove it and I hate that I keeping having to do both. I also have numerous other internal issues that I know I have to get through. And I think, if I could just conquer the love part, I'm confident the rest would just fall into place. It's really hard not having someone close to just talk and share shit with. But even more difficult to have to deal with all of it alone...all while pretending to always have it together.
And hence, is why I go to therapy...to help me keep all these things in check. I prefer my non-judgmental, non-condescending, sarcastic, nonthreatening and intimidating ear and shoulder. My Dr. doesn't push buttons, but turns knobs. I can say whatever, get it out in the open and analyze my mental state without fear and or rejection. My emotional breakdowns with my Dr. are breakthroughs and I generally feel better after each session. I can scream, cry and/or be happy about what we share and know that I can go back next week and he hasn't held it against me. (Yeah, I suppose because he's getting paid for it. But shit who else do I have?)
So, I had a breakthrough the other day, but not with my Dr. and because I didn't feel better after the session...it just seems like it was an emotional breakdown. :(
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Valentines Day?!?!!?
So it's another Valentines Day. I've been conditioned to minimize the day by believing that 1 day isn't the day to go all out for the one you love. That love should be expressed and felt all through out the year. But I won't lie... I love flowers, I buy myself roses every week. I love candy/chocolate, I try to eat some everyday. Cards are thoughtful, teddy bears are cute. I love dressing up and going out out with my boo and then ending the night with that only special kinda dessert. So, why has that never happen? I've NEVER received flowers (ever, even for any other day. I've NEVER received a box of candy. I've never received a Vday card, and the ones you get from your classmates in elementary school doesn't count. And...EVERY SINGLE Valentines day, in my adult life...some bullshit has happened to me. I can't remember ONE special Vday...while I was married or since. And it SUCKS!!!! I hate Valentines day! I hate that I've conditioned to act as if I didn't like it. I hate that I've never had a valentine. Such a dumb ass holiday!!!!
And I don't get it, I know the importance and fundamentals that is needed in every great an healthy relationship...One would think, I should always have a valentine. Shit, I know how to have fun! I'm spontaneous, can be wild and crazy as needed and pretty open to what may come my way. Fun and laughter is important, it helps get through the rough stuff! And what else would we have when we grow old. And I know how to be and bring romance. I'm supportive, compassionate and all that other good stuff that's needed. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, WTF?!?!?! Why no valentine? Ever? and again Today.....
GRRRRR!!!!
And I don't get it, I know the importance and fundamentals that is needed in every great an healthy relationship...One would think, I should always have a valentine. Shit, I know how to have fun! I'm spontaneous, can be wild and crazy as needed and pretty open to what may come my way. Fun and laughter is important, it helps get through the rough stuff! And what else would we have when we grow old. And I know how to be and bring romance. I'm supportive, compassionate and all that other good stuff that's needed. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, WTF?!?!?! Why no valentine? Ever? and again Today.....
GRRRRR!!!!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Snowed in
The DMV (DC, Maryland and Virginia area) has received the most snow in record history. I've been snowed in for 2 weeks. The grocery store shelves are empty, the city shut down and the schools are closed. It's crazy, it was only 50+ inches.... I've been in much worse.
Jokes have hit the news about the number of births that will occur in November, because of all the sex everyone must have been having. Gym memberships have increased because of all the weight some may have gained during the shut in. Some may have even taken advantage of the much needed family time...
I benefited from the latter. My children I and laughed, chatted and had a good time.
I love my children and wouldn't have traded that time. But, why do I still feel incomplete? Something still was missing. And then I thought...I slept alone every night. Got no good snowed in sex.
BRRRRR, so cold in here.
Jokes have hit the news about the number of births that will occur in November, because of all the sex everyone must have been having. Gym memberships have increased because of all the weight some may have gained during the shut in. Some may have even taken advantage of the much needed family time...
I benefited from the latter. My children I and laughed, chatted and had a good time.
I love my children and wouldn't have traded that time. But, why do I still feel incomplete? Something still was missing. And then I thought...I slept alone every night. Got no good snowed in sex.
BRRRRR, so cold in here.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Out of the Blue AGAIN!!!!!
And like clock work... My boo is outta town, hmmph but we're not talking.........
The want and need for some form of communication drives me crazy. I hate when we don't communicate at all. My mind only wonders to what he is doing in my absence. I anger feeling that he can so easily dismiss me. Then I remember what he says often, "Do you, be happy, and have fun" when he is away. But I know he doesn't really mean it. I fight with my inner bad girl that says, let's go out...but I don't.
Then, out of the blue...the chime of my cell phone. I get excited thinking it's him-my boo. But NO, it's...The one, that could and use to make me weak in the knees. AGAIN. How the hell does he do that? How does he know when I may be slightly vulnerable? How does he know when I need attention and communication? How does he just pop up out of the blue. With a text... "thinkn bout u"
Knowing I should ignore his text like usual and I shouldn't even entertain his bs...but because I wanted the attention and craved the communication, I respond, "wow! hey stranger. long time no chat. u must be in town?!
"no, not in town. u were just on my mind. lets go to sb."
I was very happy to know he wasn't in town, this would make the texting easy. But he knew I had no idea what sb was and this would allow our conversation to linger. So I take the bait and ask. "What's sb? & Y do u want me 2 go? What and where ever sb is...take ur grlfren."
"sb, Superbowl silly. We have good memories in MIA."
"LOL"
I don't know what Miami trip he was referring to, but we did NOT have a good trip, or have good memories and I hated that he joked about a wasted good trip...
"u must have the wrong grl, we did not have fun- we fought the whole time there. REMEMBER?!"
"yeah maybe, but the sex was good." And there in lies the REAL reason for the text...the sex. I was so annoyed that he wasn't just texting to say what's up. And though a trip to the Super Bowl would be really fun...I woke up out my silly need for attention and gathered my composure...happy that he still had NO effect on me and responded...
"dude, wud luv 2 be in the MIA rite now, but not w/ u. that's not 4 us anymore...it was nice chat'n w/ ya" and sent him back into the blue.
(he responded but I ignored the rest of the text)
The want and need for some form of communication drives me crazy. I hate when we don't communicate at all. My mind only wonders to what he is doing in my absence. I anger feeling that he can so easily dismiss me. Then I remember what he says often, "Do you, be happy, and have fun" when he is away. But I know he doesn't really mean it. I fight with my inner bad girl that says, let's go out...but I don't.
Then, out of the blue...the chime of my cell phone. I get excited thinking it's him-my boo. But NO, it's...The one, that could and use to make me weak in the knees. AGAIN. How the hell does he do that? How does he know when I may be slightly vulnerable? How does he know when I need attention and communication? How does he just pop up out of the blue. With a text... "thinkn bout u"
Knowing I should ignore his text like usual and I shouldn't even entertain his bs...but because I wanted the attention and craved the communication, I respond, "wow! hey stranger. long time no chat. u must be in town?!
"no, not in town. u were just on my mind. lets go to sb."
I was very happy to know he wasn't in town, this would make the texting easy. But he knew I had no idea what sb was and this would allow our conversation to linger. So I take the bait and ask. "What's sb? & Y do u want me 2 go? What and where ever sb is...take ur grlfren."
"sb, Superbowl silly. We have good memories in MIA."
"LOL"
I don't know what Miami trip he was referring to, but we did NOT have a good trip, or have good memories and I hated that he joked about a wasted good trip...
"u must have the wrong grl, we did not have fun- we fought the whole time there. REMEMBER?!"
"yeah maybe, but the sex was good." And there in lies the REAL reason for the text...the sex. I was so annoyed that he wasn't just texting to say what's up. And though a trip to the Super Bowl would be really fun...I woke up out my silly need for attention and gathered my composure...happy that he still had NO effect on me and responded...
"dude, wud luv 2 be in the MIA rite now, but not w/ u. that's not 4 us anymore...it was nice chat'n w/ ya" and sent him back into the blue.
(he responded but I ignored the rest of the text)
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Falling OUT of Love
It takes a second to fall in love and about 1 minute to fall out of love...it's alittle longer because we second guess ourselves so much.
I love him, I love him not...
I fell in love and I fell in love hard. I was ready and willing to give and do anything for him. He had/has no idea how much I loved and love him. I just wanted to be with him, be the best for him and he just didn't get it. I shared my most inner me with him and he didn't know it. I was at my best with him and he didn't know it. It hurts that I lost me in him....
As time went on...he broke me down, wore me out and I slowly was no longer me. I realized that I loved him more than I loved myself...
But something happen...as he played me, played with my emotions...had his flings-his fucks-his relationships...as he guilted me into my minor indiscretions and accused me of being who I'm not...I slowly began to fall... And as he continues to do him...I continue to fall.
As he continues to play me, play with my emotions and have his flings and his fucks and maintains his relationships...pursues his nothing arguments... I slowly fall out of love with him....
So, why does he continue to play with my emotions. Doubt my devotion and loyalty...as he does I stifle who I really am for him.
Does he know? Does he care? That he is pushing me off the ledge???
I fight it, he pulls me back in. He shows me who I feel in love with in seconds.Then he sends me there, I hate it...but I know I'm slowly falling outta love with him.
I love him, I love him not...
I fell in love and I fell in love hard. I was ready and willing to give and do anything for him. He had/has no idea how much I loved and love him. I just wanted to be with him, be the best for him and he just didn't get it. I shared my most inner me with him and he didn't know it. I was at my best with him and he didn't know it. It hurts that I lost me in him....
As time went on...he broke me down, wore me out and I slowly was no longer me. I realized that I loved him more than I loved myself...
But something happen...as he played me, played with my emotions...had his flings-his fucks-his relationships...as he guilted me into my minor indiscretions and accused me of being who I'm not...I slowly began to fall... And as he continues to do him...I continue to fall.
As he continues to play me, play with my emotions and have his flings and his fucks and maintains his relationships...pursues his nothing arguments... I slowly fall out of love with him....
So, why does he continue to play with my emotions. Doubt my devotion and loyalty...as he does I stifle who I really am for him.
Does he know? Does he care? That he is pushing me off the ledge???
I fight it, he pulls me back in. He shows me who I feel in love with in seconds.Then he sends me there, I hate it...but I know I'm slowly falling outta love with him.
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