3 Strikes...your out

So I decided! I'm DONE!!! I've been married...FAILED! Had a lover...FAILED! Had the LOVE of my life...FAILED. A girl can only take so much failure, so I'm done!!! And just like that, I CAN and have decided to never give my heart again. I will not fall in, be in or love again. I refuse to set my self up for failure ever again! I'm an over achiever and failure I just can't and won't do again!!!

Funny thing is, I'm the first to say, "I love LOVE", love being in love and support as well as encourage love. I'm a hopeless romantic. Love the candles, roses, bubble baths, kisses on the forehead/neck/cheek, the walks on the beach and all the mushy bullshit too. But I obviously can't seem to get this love thing straight, So, I've decided to never love again!!! Relationships and love are for the birds. I can't keep giving and trying to be the best...wife, lover, girlfriend...whatever for my health any more!!! I know I'm a damn good woman, and for the 3 that let me get away... YOUR BAD!!! YOUR LOSS!!!

I will admit my faults (for we all have them), my mistakes (for we all make them) but mine were No worse than the faults and mistakes made unto me. I will not be responsible, for the breakdowns in my relationships. I may have fucked up, but his fuck ups were much worse. I may have lied, but his lies were the WORST! And at the end of the day, I will not be the blame for these fuckin men's inability to give me what I want, need, and deserve!

I want to be loved and made love to. I want him to know me...I want him to know my likes and dislikes. Know when I'm happy, mad, or sad. Know what the tone in my voice means. Know when I'm trying hard to make his day, or make him smile and keep him happy. I don't want to be someone else around him, because I'm afraid he will judge or hold it against me later. I want and need him to know that I want and need his love, affection and attention-that his text, e-mails and calls are the highlight of my day (yeah, I may get others...but they mean SHIT!). I need him to know that I need his daily words of support and encouragement. I need him to know that I want and need to be in his arms at night. I need him to know that I am a priority, NOT an option. I need him to know that when I say, "I'm gonna go", I want him to say "I want you to stay"! Because, I know we will argue, who doesn't? It's human nature. It would be un-natural not to. But, I'm also gonna need him to put me in my place sometimes, because I know I get SHARP about the tongue sometimes.

I need him to know that my goodies are only his goodies! And that I only move like that for him...I want him to know what it means when my eyes roll back in my head, what my high pitched sigh means, or what the arch in my back is about when he makes love to me. He will know when I'm in the mood and He will be happy that he is the only one to satisfy me.

I mean hey, I'm a love love kinda girl and I deserED those things. But they're not gonna ever happen. I've given up!!! I will look no more or ever again. I don't think there's a man out there, or that there is a man that can or will ever love me like that! So, I'm DONE!

I'm no longer delusional about my Prince Charming, Knight and Shinning Armor or My Tarzan. For me, he doesn't fucking exist. I've given up on my fantasy. That fairytale was just bullshit. I've awaken from that dream! I'm no longer delusional about what it means to be faithful, exclusive and monogamous. I'm no longer delusional about men's ability to NOT cheat. There's been and is currently a new phenomenon and philosophy of open relationships and marriages... Poly-relationships?!?! WTF!?!? So, why should I continue to live in oblivion? I won't! I'm no longer delusional about what a man wants and needs. I'm no longer delusional. I refuse to be! I refuse to fail again!

So, I love sports... with football you need a 1st down (a few 1st downs), then a touch down...the team with the most touchdowns wins. Basketball-a good layup, some free throws, three pointer a few slam dunks, and the team with the most points wins and I also know alittle about baseball...1st base, second base third...maybe a home run...after 9 innings the team with the most points wins. BUT!!!! I also know, that in baseball...3 strikes and your out!!!! So, for me...GAME OVER!!!

Twilight Hype?!

Stephanie Meyers is making millions off her vampire vs. werewolf LOVE story... And with the movies out with the top actor and actresses in them, t-shirts, posters, actions figures...and more, all = $$$! She has tweens, teens, and grown woman all over the world hooked. Even my daughter...

My daughter read the entire series in a week and 2 days. She found the not suppose to be released 5th book on the internet. She saw both movies on opening night, created a Cullen SIMS family and the next time we go to Washington, is planning a trip to Forks. I just didn't get it. Until...

Until, my daughter pushed, pushed and pushed and I read Twilight. I actually enjoyed it. Then I saw the movie. I was disappointed, the movie was nothing like the book. I really hate when movie directors do that. So, then I read New Moon. I liked it even more than the 1st. I couldn't wait for the DVD to come out. I watched the movie like a true fan, sitting on the edge of my seat. Go TEAM VAMPIRE, or do I say GO TEAM EDWARD? Either way, now I'm on the 3rd book and can't seem to put the book down. (well with the exception, to blog) Who knew, I'm reading the damn series like a fan. I love the love story!!!

I'm contributing to the Twilight hype.

No Kids

Spring Break....I have no kids. I have no idea what to do with myself. I gotta figure some shit out, cause a week + with no kids, I could go crazy. But I refuse.....

Me time here I come

Pulled Over

Riding dirty, slang for driving illegally in any sense of the word. I'm there, and have been for a while now. My heart sits in my stomach every time I get into my car. It is the most stressful thing I do on a daily basis.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, "take care of the situation", "get another car", or "get a ride". I've heard those and more. Easier said than done. I would love to fix my situation or get another car. I'm just not in that position to do so....so, I drive ride dirty all the time. Risking it all...jail, car towed and not getting it back and more. But I do it cause I gotta get me and my kids from here and there. Now I have had some on my side that have come through for me and I love and thank them....but the majority. Dirty.

So...I've been pulled over a few times and have been able to get away with warnings. THANK GOD!!!!! The image of the state police in your rear view, then the sirens, and then the "Can I have your license and registration"... is heart stopping. I put on my bestes "oh mr. officer *batting my eyes* behavior and pray for the best. But the entire time while I sit on the side of the road I think of all the possible outcomes...the "mam can you step outta the car", a high speed chase, or crazier that the police car has a dash cam and I'll be on the nightly news or cops...

I gotta get my shit together. Pray for me ya'll.....