Thursday, February 4, 2010

Out of the Blue AGAIN!!!!!

And like clock work... My boo is outta town, hmmph but we're not talking.........

The want and need for some form of communication drives me crazy. I hate when we don't communicate at all. My mind only wonders to what he is doing in my absence. I anger feeling that he can so easily dismiss me. Then I remember what he says often, "Do you, be happy, and have fun" when he is away. But I know he doesn't really mean it. I fight with my inner bad girl that says, let's go out...but I don't.

Then, out of the blue...the chime of my cell phone. I get excited thinking it's him-my boo. But NO, it's...The one, that could and use to make me weak in the knees. AGAIN. How the hell does he do that? How does he know when I may be slightly vulnerable? How does he know when I need attention and communication? How does he just pop up out of the blue. With a text... "thinkn bout u"

Knowing I should ignore his text like usual and I shouldn't even entertain his bs...but because I wanted the attention and craved the communication, I respond, "wow! hey stranger. long time no chat. u must be in town?!

"no, not in town. u were just on my mind. lets go to sb."

I was very happy to know he wasn't in town, this would make the texting easy. But he knew I had no idea what sb was and this would allow our conversation to linger. So I take the bait and ask. "What's sb? & Y do u want me 2 go? What and where ever sb is...take ur grlfren."

"sb, Superbowl silly. We have good memories in MIA."

"LOL"

I don't know what Miami trip he was referring to, but we did NOT have a good trip, or have good memories and I hated that he joked about a wasted good trip...

"u must have the wrong grl, we did not have fun- we fought the whole time there. REMEMBER?!"

"yeah maybe, but the sex was good." And there in lies the REAL reason for the text...the sex. I was so annoyed that he wasn't just texting to say what's up. And though a trip to the Super Bowl would be really fun...I woke up out my silly need for attention and gathered my composure...happy that he still had NO effect on me and responded...

"dude, wud luv 2 be in the MIA rite now, but not w/ u. that's not 4 us anymore...it was nice chat'n w/ ya" and sent him back into the blue.

(he responded but I ignored the rest of the text)

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Falling OUT of Love

It takes a second to fall in love and about 1 minute to fall out of love...it's alittle longer because we second guess ourselves so much.

I love him, I love him not...

I fell in love and I fell in love hard. I was ready and willing to give and do anything for him. He had/has no idea how much I loved and love him. I just wanted to be with him, be the best for him and he just didn't get it. I shared my most inner me with him and he didn't know it. I was at my best with him and he didn't know it. It hurts that I lost me in him....

As time went on...he broke me down, wore me out and I slowly was no longer me. I realized that I loved him more than I loved myself...

But something happen...as he played me, played with my emotions...had his flings-his fucks-his relationships...as he guilted me into my minor indiscretions and accused me of being who I'm not...I slowly began to fall... And as he continues to do him...I continue to fall.

As he continues to play me, play with my emotions and have his flings and his fucks and maintains his relationships...pursues his nothing arguments... I slowly fall out of love with him....

So, why does he continue to play with my emotions. Doubt my devotion and loyalty...as he does I stifle who I really am for him.

Does he know? Does he care? That he is pushing me off the ledge???

I fight it, he pulls me back in. He shows me who I feel in love with in seconds.Then he sends me there, I hate it...but I know I'm slowly falling outta love with him.