Comfortable

On a Sunday afternoon, a friend and I are chilling and she gets a call (from her boo)... After the call she quickly interrupts our outing and informs me that we had to get back to her house so she could shower and roll out to her boos house. During the phone call, her boo did say that she didn't have to shower and could just shower at his house. She explained that we were together, that my car was at her house and that it only made sense for her to freshen up at her house. I mention that it was a Sunday, because she proceeded to pack an over night bag. She had planned to spend the night and go to work from his house.

Another friend, just recently started seeing this guy. She has spent the night a few times, but quickly runs out of his house early in the morning to avoid the morning breath encounter. I thought this was absolutely hilarious!!!! I had never thought about it before, and actually have no problem kissing my baby in the morning. I think he almost did/does it on purpose... I think it means something. But anyway. So I asked her, why don't you just get a toothbrush. But she is hell bent against it, saying she doesn't want to force anything on him?!?! Hmmmm, So I started thinking... then who gets the toothbrush and when?

Even funnier, One of my very best friends; who happens to be married...still doesn't pass gas in front of her husband. And she uses the bathroom in the basement to take a shit, away from him. HILARIOUS!!!! WTF?!?! I'm thinking to myself 'ya'll are married'... They have shared the most intimate and probably nastiest situations with one another, but she can't flatuate or excremate around him?

And of course All of those scenarios got me to thinking.... *laughing like shit* What is the amount of time that it is OK to shower at your boos house? or yours for that matter? And when is it OK to start bringing a change of clothes? Or leave clothes at their house. Does the boo then get their own drawer and/or closet space? And then what does all that mean? And when is it appropriate to really have a toothbrush at your boos house? If the girl buys it for either house, does it mean she's being too aggressive and moving too fast or just wants either of them to have fresh breath, before that morning kiss. But if he buys the toothbrush or refuses...what does that mean? And last but not least, the whole flatuating and/or excremenating around your boo. When is OK to flatuate around your boo or just the opposite sex for that matter. What about having to REALLY use the bathroom at their house? When is it OK? DO you tell or warn them, to avoid the awkward situation of them walking in after you and taking a whiff?!

As for me...clothes at his house are not a huge deal. I guess having at least a change of underwear is pretty important, but not that serious. I suppose if I know I'm staying and have something really important to do the next day, I may shower and bring a change of clothes or leave really early. However, a toothbrush at his house (to me) has NOTHING to do with rushing things or a commitment. A toothbrush simply means, I want to brush my teeth in the morning! And I try not to pass gas or do #2 around my boo, just don't think it's lady like. But I do think I pass gas in my sleep. *LOL* He's never said anything though, but I think I do. Oh, and it took me over 2 years to actually use the bathroom at his house. It just seemed weird and even to this day... I use the bathroom in the basement.

I mean when are you ever really comfortable?

Response to FollowerS

WOW!!! Who knew... that I even had that many followers. I got A LOT responses from my "What HE would get" blog (way too many to repost). Mostly, responses from men, which I didn't realize how many men readers I had. Thank you for letting me know you're out there and are interested. Unfortunately, like I've said in my previous blogs...I'm in such a bad place emotionally around love that though I have absolutely great qualities...I'm no good for anyone right now. HOWEVER, Men, I'll keep you posted *smiling* and *winking*. And ladies, thank you for your responses as well. I know that you too know your worth. We are queens! and if the men of your area don't know...they need to quickly recognize...they are missing out and will die LONELY!!!

So for the record...I promise I wasn't trying to advertise, it was just a blog. Thoughts go through my mind constantly about things that I experience, conversations I have or things that people say. Something clicks in my head and I think to myself.. other woman may have experienced the same thing or think about the same type things, but don't say anything; I am their voices...so I just say (blog) it out loud. I enjoy blogging, it's therapeutic and though I only personally know about 3 of my followers. It's nice to know that there are others that enjoy what I have to say. My "what HE would get" blog was really about my amazing dinner and eating it alone. It was about wanting to share it with someone who would appreciate the work that went into it. It was made with pure love. Something you would do for your LOVE. That blog was to comfort my lonely ego.

My blog....
A very close and important person in my life recently told me that they have shut down on talking to me about things because he didn't want his life on the world wide web. Additionally, he mentioned that one of my blogs was disloyal...so just typing these mere sentences have me cringing because I hate to upset the people that I love. I hate being in that catch 22 of my own happiness and not wanting to make who I love unhappy. But, my blog is for and about ME...MY feelings, MY thoughts, MY experiences. I realize it may involve others, but my intent is never to upset, offend or hurt anyone with my blogs. I had since considered to stop blogging... and then received my overwhelming responses to a silly blog about "me". Thank you... I'll keep blogging. I do fell hurt that he no longer wants to talk, share, and be naked with me...but I have used ALOT of discretion and feel that I remain loyal whether he believes it not.

THANK YOU Readers, THANK YOU FOLLOWERS!!!! More Sharp Life to come!!!

REMEMBERING Jacksonville

The best romantic experience of my life and I remember it like it happen yesterday...

He flew me into Jacksonville. I hadn't always remembered the city, we have been to a lot of places and have had a great time everywhere we went...so the cities sometimes run together. But recently confirmed, it was in fact Jacksonville. Anyway, he wasn't at the airport when I arrived and I figured he was just running late, like usual. He called to tell me that he was running later than he had planned, but he had sent me a car. Yep! I went outside and there stood a man with a big card with my name on it. *I thought that only happened in movies* :)

When I got to the hotel, he seemed hurried, was grabbing his golf clubs (because his golf game and chatting with friends had ran over) and apologized a few times for not being at the airport. When we got to the room and he opened the door, it all made sense. He in fact, sent the car to allow him to have more time to make his plan come together.

As I walked into the room I was over whelmed with happiness. I had falling in love with him all over again. There were candles and rose petals scattered throughout the room. Slow jams were playing on the iPod deck. He was prepared to run a bubble bath, with oils and rose petals. There were green M&M's in bowls (he had picked out all the other colors, because he knows I love the green M&M most), a fruit tray, wine, ice-cream and other random snacks.

He led me to the bed, where he blind folded me and fed me the fruit. He ate the ice-cream off of me and he made love to me like I had never been made love to before. We drank wine, laughed and chilled the rest of the night. Best night EVER!!!

It's gotta mean a lot for a man to think a whole experience like that out and make it happen. Make it memorable. And I will always remember Jacksonville!

He loves Me, he LOVES me NOT

No matter the distance, what either of us have or had been doing, if we had spoke or not; when we would see each other...we seemed to always pick up where we left off. We seemed to roll like there was never a break. HOWEVER, this time was a little-NO this time was ALOT different. My baby came into town and it was different.

The spark was Not in his eyes. His kiss was hesitant and he held me different when we laid in bed. He didn't hold me tight, with my legs on lock down all night. He didn't hug me close, to ensure I would never get away. Nor did he ever reach for me to ensure I was still there. He didn't even notice that I was wide awake the duration of the night or when I got out of bed. And the weirdest of all...he fucked me, not made love to me. He could've cared less if I had came that night or weeks prior. We felt different.

My text and calls went unanswered. And our communication in general seemed forced. He seemed to have forgotten the importance he was/is in my life. He didn't even ask about the kids, who always ask about him. Nor did he ask how business was going or if I was still sustaining some type of financial life. He didn't seem to care. His touch was cold and his words were frank. I felt unsure about who my love had become. I seemed to have been an option and not his priority. He was different!

This encounter seemed like perchance, a convenient circumstance. Where I had once felt confident and happy to be his baby, this encounter... I felt awkward and out of place around him. It all made me wonder... did he still love me or love me not. His attention and priorities didn't feel like it was about me. We felt different.

I hate wondering if he still loves me or loves me not...

*this blog is subject to futher development*

ADD

I have Attention Deficit Disorder. And when I say this I don't mean it in the actual medical terms, but in relationship terms. So when I say it out loud and or to men, they take my meaning to be..."oh, she's clingy or needy" and that is not the case....

My ADD is about the amount of attention my baby gives to me...texts, e-mails, calls through out the day and of course time spent. In the day and age of texts messages and e-mails...they are HUGE! The "Good Morning, have a good day" or "thinking about you", "hey", "what's up", "can't talk now, call me later", "how's your day" or even "call you in a few". Anything to know he is/was thinking about me, does it for me. I don't need to see or be around him 24/7 or even be in his presence all or even for a day, week or few days. Oh and phone calls long or short will always work, hearing his voice, puts an instant smile on my face. All this because, it's all about the thought that counts!!!

Oh, and I absolutely hate when I send random and/or general text messages and he doesn't respond...WTF! Because I'm sure if I didn't/don't respond to him in a timely manner he would have an issue. So, text messages ease the emotional state of comfort. Calls that go unanswered, should have a minimum of a 5 minute turn around...I get being on a call/not being able to talk at that moment/being busy. But not returning my call within at least an hour is ridiculous!!!

And the whole not spending time with him ALL day or being underneath him all day is stupid!!! Who really needs or even wants that?! I absolutely want and need MY space, so I absolutely will respect his!!! But sometimes I just want to be in his arms, kiss him, touch him or be in his reach... HOWEVER, I have ALOT of free time, and no one wants to be lonely!!! So, just wanting to have lunch with him (in the middle of the day) should be cool. Or hanging out at night and maybe spending the night with him should make sense...

My ADD is more about pleasing him than me!!! I don't want or need a clingy or needy dude...I just want him to want ME, think about and want to spend time with ME!!! Because at the end of the day making him happy is making me happy!!!

So, I will not justify or apologize for my ADD...adding me to his daily regime, means we're all GOOD!!!

Excess Baggage

It's funny that airlines now charge you for your excess baggage. Some airlines even charge you for the initial piece of luggage. Which got me to thinking...as we traveling on this journey of love and life, we don't mean to carry excess baggage but we do. We carry the good and the bad of our relationships into the next one. The new person, unknowingly becomes subjected to an emotional strip search; where we try to get them naked, in attempts of trying to rid of the possible bullshit early on. This ultimately, is only a set up for them and we sit back waiting for them to fail. We do try to be better in the new relationship, but know that previous issues linger and some how will continue to haunt.....

Then there's the carry on baggage; security goes through your baggage and identifies the more than 3 allowable flow ounces. Another thought zoomed through my head... It is a scientific known facts that, a human body contains about about 5 liters of blood (a little more than one gallon). Of course, the amount of blood actually held within the heart at any given moment varies on the person (do they have a healthy or defective heart?) With that said, we all would never get through security our head (metaphorically representing security) would stop us every time. We carry excess baggage and have too much love (metaphorically used instead of blood) flowing to our hearts. We fall in love. We are in love. Humans love. And when you are in love and have love your heart beats different. Your heart is functioning for life and love. I guess only the defective (broken hearted) would be allowed to travel....

Sadly, we carry trust issues or the lack there of into relationships. Our communication skills weaken...in the new relationship, we are either more verbal than we need to be (argumentative/combative or providing WAY too much info too soon-scaring potentials off) or not verbal enough (shutting down or never wanting to open up). We put barriers up around our hearts and seem to anticipate the worse to happen. But almost worse than the destructive baggage we carry is the sabotage baggage; that's the baggage of...the inability to allow anyone to ever compare to the previous love...

I find myself constantly comparing any and everything a man does and doesn't do for me, to my baby. Men continue to come up short. No one seems to be chivalrous enough, passionate, compassionate or understanding enough. No one can seem to make me laugh or smile like he does. Men don't look as good or smell as good as he did. I find fault with their cadence of their voice, how they walk and dress...the shape of their noses, the size of their ears, their slant of their teeth, the chapped lips, their body build, if they work out, what they eat or don't eat. And that list can go on. OH and NONE have been adventurous enough and unfortunately...no one seems to stack up.

I also, don't trust a word that comes out of their mouths. I think they all are running game or have some hidden drama and issues that will eventually come out, to hurt me. Their character is always in question. And I listen intensely, waiting for bullshit... for I am allergic to it. My guard is up, not even allowing for any platonic friendships. My expectatins of what I want and need have set a new high.

My baggage is heavy. Erica Badu was talking about me when she wrote that song and I wasn't even listening. I know it's not fair, I suppose with time I'll have to learn how to pack light.

Anybody out there?

I read or maybe heard a quote about relationships, 'the greater the hurt and pain the harder the process to heal.' and with that I began to think... WOW, so will I ever heal? I'm convinced I'm damaged goods at this point. I have NO want, need, or desire to give my love to anyone anymore. Nor do I even feel like being bothered with relationships. So, I must agree with the quote...and acknowledge my journey of healing to be a great feat, if not even impossible.

I've let myself go...even grow; remember I still have a goonie goo goo growing between my legs. I now pull my hair back, more often than usual. I've decided to wear clothes for comfort versus my super cute ensembles, during my outings. AND I've resorted to flats when I go out-Very odd! Because if you follow my blog; you know I LOVE my stilettos! I'm down right mean to any man that tries to talk to me now. And I must say, my attitude toward men in general these days SUCKS!!! I just don't care and don't want to try anymore. None of this is to be concluded that...I'm now bitter and or have no self love. On the contrary!!! I am absolutely not bitter, but better! And I absolutely love myself. My priorities have just changed...and loving or giving love to undeserving men is not important to me anymore!!!

I do however, remember great love and what it felt like... So on my journey, I do I wonder...is there anybody out there?!

Is there anybody out there that can or will make me laugh and smile like he did? Is there anybody out there that can or will love me like he did? Will he care for and take care of me? Will we talk and play? Will we go here, there and no where? Will he pull my card and put me in check when I need to be spanked? Will he spank me?! Is there anybody out there that will hold me at night like he did. Will he look in my eyes and I know what it means? Will he understand my sporadic whims and fluctuations of love making and fucking? Is there anybody out here even deserving of what I have to offer? Will he appreciate me and cherish my heart? Will he know me? Is there any body out there that will love ME?

Is there anybody out there that could help me on my journey of healing? And if he's out there, would I even give him a chance?

Conversation with The salseman...

We just met! We've chatted. We had lunch. We had 1 drink!
Why would I want to go back to your place? What is MY motivation? I'm not attracted to you. And nothing about you screams...'hot, sexy, lover'

FYI, I hate overly aggressive and way too persistent men. The salesman tactics don't work on me...the whole sale me a red popsicle, while wearing my white gloves in ninety degree weather...doesn't and will never work unless I want it to...

No...you're not a good catch. I don't find you attractive. Your conversation is boring. And no, you're not the man of my dreams. And absolutely not...I don't NEED you. Yeah, I probably would look good holding your hand...but that's because I look good anyway. And yep, everybody needs love...but I don't need yours. I choose to be alone, because of men like you. Oh additionally, I love me more than I would ever love you. So....Econ 101, consumers buy what they want... and I don't want you!!!

You're sales pitch SUCKS!!!

Monogamous Man?!

Is there a such thing as a monogamous man or if men can really be in a monogamous relationship....

***I actually think some men can be and want to be monogamous... but don't know how. I think they want and need companionship in life but just can't seem to get it right. I think the player thing and all the variety has to get old and at the end of the day, being a player I'm sure can be and gets lonely.

I actually think a man can have a really hott, attractive woman with everything he wants type, but still want something else. Because even if with the hotter, more attractive and gives it up more and better, there is always...Temptation! Which should be just that, temptation. The 'wants', the 'feels good' and 'desirable', but that doesn't necessarily mean he has to act on it. Is it really men's egos? Do men really need or have to fuck all the women they can?

And what about the internal?! The emotional and mental make up of a woman?! Who a woman really is and her character make up?! Hmmmm, and do men really look for that woman that has their equal philosophies and morals in life. Or better yet, think about if that woman has their equal sexual desire?!

I think we are all sexual beings and some men are just more than others. Biologically, I don't think men are meant to be monogamous. They are hard wired to find the best mate to propagate our species. And although some species do exhibit monogamous behavior, I believe it is less common in primates overall.


So, I wonder if an open relationship could or would fix some of those relationships that can't handle the monogamy. Does that mean, when you agree to an open relationship that the couple actually just wants to keep their options open for something better. And that the couple is settling until that better comes along?! So, is that couple then not considering that the current is the best?! Hmmm, and what about catching feelings with another person while being in an open relationship? If the open relationship is in place to just keep the couples options open, I suppose I wouldn't recommend hanging around for too long if monogamy isn't going to be an option.

So what is acceptable for a woman to agree or not agree to in her relationship?
And are women then lowering their standards and requiring less of men because they are afraid to lose them? I suppose a lot of women do things out of insecurities and don't want the "possible" good one to get away. But then let him get away with bullshit... with fears of not getting or finding better?! Unfortunately, I think it's hard for women to be truly secure with themselves because men keep us on the fence. I think women are insecure by nature and often measure, compare and compete with other women. Because of and for men. We compare and second guess our looks, worth and physical value's instead of doing it for ourselves.

I actually think commitment and exclusivity mean different things, people seem to intertwine them, which makes relationships difficult. I do however, believe that commitment means a man is ready to be in a relationship... BUT it doesn't necessarily mean he will be exclusive or monogamous, which by definition means...The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time. I think with commitment he just decided to be committed, which by definition means...A pledge or the state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons to one woman. And with the commitment, it's not whether he can be monogamous, it's whether he can admit that he is and will be.

Unfortunately, I just don't think people have old morals anymore...I don't think there is respect for relationships, commitment and exclusivity anymore. What happen to peoples sense of self and self worth? Moreover the importance of love, sex, relationships and what it all really means.


Sooo, with all that blah, blah, blah and blah said...I know I'm a sexual being, I know I have strong sexual desires but doesn't mean I have to go elsewhere if they're not being met at every moment. I absolutely believe in a committed relationship. I'm old fashioned, with old time morals and views on relationships. I love love, I want to grow old with someone. I like being a committed and FAITHFUL person. I refuse to gamble with my health with multiple partners and would hope that my partner feels the same... when it comes down to it, if you love someone, and truly do, why would you want anything else? Sure, the relationship may have it's low points...those ugly, bad and worse times. And sure maybe there are moments of wanting something new, different or whatever, but life and love isn't all about the physical and that's what people don't understand anymore.

Everyone is meant to find their diamond...a monogamous relationship in the rough. Diamonds are rare; but once you find it, you keep it, cherish it...because like diamonds...love is also forever.

Wedding Weekend...

Weddings provoke all types of emotions. There is absolute joy for the happy couple. Depending if you're friend or family to the bride or groom you then can also feel sadness, to see them and how they have grown. If you have children of your own, you begin to think of how your child's ceremony may be. And the emotions are endless; the tears of joy, the emense happiness, and of course that thing called love. I love weddings, love to plan and attend them, but unfortunately have never had one of my own. We just went to the justice of the piece. I should've known then. LOL.

And so...this weekend, I went to a wedding and went through a wave of emotions. All types of feelings went through my body...happy, anger, joy, sadness, delight and even a little disappointment... But before I go into my pitiful emotionally unstable state...the weekend was GREAT!!!

The weather was perfect and beautiful, the ocean water was brilliant, ALL the food all weekend long was amazing, the hotel was fabulous, the people were pleasant, I had spectacular sex, and just had a phenonmeal weekend!!! We partied like rocks stars...gay men hit on my date (HILARIOUS!!!), I saw a completely naked man dancing with a pink boa, we danced and drank till who knows what time in the am, and I got toys from the sex store... Oh, and I looked cute, which always helps make the day/night that much better....

As for the wedding. The bride was georgeous and her ceremony was perfectly lovely...but as the day progressed, I fought back the tears the entire time. The occasion was joyous and I was delighted for the couple. But I couldn't help but think of my failed marriage and what marriage is about and what love really means. I have no regrets that I ended my marriage. It was the best thing I could've done for my self. But now, I never want to marry again. And I couldn't help think about the love of my life and his marriage. I can and will never understand how, I found myself in that situation and I don't know if I will ever fully recover from the experience. But what I couldn't help think about most was the concept of love...

We have no control who we fall in love with. And once you find and have love, it should be cherished. Love is special! Love should never be taken for granted and people have to really begin to value what it means when someone gives you love and their heart. Love should be protected always and can't and should never just be thrown away. I may never marry again, or get MY wedding. But I do know what love feels like...I know how it looks at me, holds me, smiles at me, and a love like that can never be replaced...

Through all the sadness, I felt love during a wedding weekend.

Response to Follower

I recently received an e-mail from a follower of my blog. I must say, I was surprised! But I do appreciate her (maybe his) following and sentiment. It's reads....

"Dear Ms.asharpwomanslife, I've followed your blog now for about 3 months. I'm also a single parent and wanting to get my groove back. I like your honest and upfront tone in your blog about love, relationships and being a single parent and how you cope. But, I must say, I went back to read your older post and I'm alittle confused. My confusion started with your 3 strikes & your out post. It seemed that you have been in a relationship with your "boo", "guy friend" for some time now. But state that you've only had 3 real realtionships,your husband, a lover, and the love of your life. So is your "boo" or "guy friend" the love of your life? And then, here in lies the confusion and more so, what I would think to be a problem. In various post you blogged about "his wedding", "text messages" "why we fight" and "I miss us" so were these about your lover or your boo? Because, if they are about your boo aka the love of your life. He can't be the love of your life!"

Confused

And there it is...you put your life on blogger.com and they call you out. LOL. I loved it! Yes, Confused, you are correct and in fact NOT confused at all...

All of those post were about the love of my life. Actually the ONLY 2 about my lover were the ones titled "Out of the Blue". I think I'm pretty clear about the ones about my ex husband. But the others are indeed about, "the love of my life" So, yes...if you do read or have read them all and put it into context maybe you can see our or my roller coaster of emotions about us. There has been ALOT of funky shit that he has done and I added fuel to the fire. So, I am not without some blame. But all I can say is, you can't help who you love. But I DO know! I will NEVER let myself be there EVER AGAIN. and I'm NOT CONFUSED!!!!

Thanks for your e-mail. Keep reading, I have lots more random shit to blog about. Nice to know, someone is reading :)

Just Sex

Is it possible for two people that really love each other but are no longer together to just have sex? Can you really separate the two...sex and emotions? Is and was our shit so fucked up that, the only thing we can do at this point is to have "just sex"? We can still laugh, act civil, and be intimate, but we can't seem to make our shit work. The chemistry is CRAZY. The sex is AMAZING! But is that really all? I suppose anyone can have great sex, but can anyone have great chemistry? Does intimacy not mean anything anymore? The kissing, the holding and the wanting and needing to please your partner. Chemistry, intimacy, and love makes really good sex/great sex....PHENOMENAL SEX!!! I mean shit, You can get up and go after really good sex, people pay for great sex and anyone can create an environment of pleasure for just sex. But chemistry?!. It's not just sex!

But if, just sex is what I can get...I'll take it.

The Planes Over Head

He wanted to be a pilot. He started taking lessons. He took me up in one of those little planes a couple of times. It was amazing. I felt so safe with him.

I woke up to the sound of (single engine) planes over my house today. And I started to cry. I miss him so much... It's gonna be a horrible day.

The usual topic

I had the opportunity of meeting 2 lovely young ladies. Only after a few hours, we were talking like we had been friends for years. And the usual subject matter...MEN.

*Insecurity vs. Woman's intuition, *Marriage, *Should I stay or should I go?, *I know he's cheating/Well I think he's cheating, *Baby daddies, and *Facebook LOL

We lost track of time just bantering about it all. No matter the circumstance...single, attached, co-habitants, dating, engaged, married, divorced, separated, about to break-up, we all have our own perspective of the male counter part. We've all had 1 or 20 experiences with men. Relationships with men can prove to be one of the most difficult things many of us do. And we are always questioning what it is that we are doing or should be doing in the relationship. We question our feelings, thoughts, philosophies, actions and we doubt our intuitions. We push away our families and friends, we become someone else.

At the end of the day...there are so many really good woman out there that just want to give love and be loved. And so many woman just want to be in good relationships. I don't know why it's so difficult. Or why men seem to be the common factor of the difficulty. And maybe I'm bot being fair by blaming men...BUT, statistics and research and rates all seem to show that there is a deficiency in the male make up (for relationships)...May they be gay, incarcerated, liars, pathological cheaters, sexually addicted, demanding egotistical misogynistic assholes, or just the inability to commit. Women will continue to question men and our relationships with them.

I enjoyed our talk and will definitely talk with them again and will also begin more dialogue with women about our take on men on earth but from Mars!!!

DAMAGED!!!

Have you ever been in love? NO, REAL inside and out feel good, in love. The sun rises on the cloudiest of days, in love. The happiest of times of your life can never be forgotten, in love. Yeah...that kind of love.

I now know what love is and what in love really means and how it feels. While I endured the fantasy of love and being in love with my ex husband. I know that in love was never what I really felt with him. However, I was a great wife and remain an amazing woman. I gave him love and did provide unconditional love.

After my ex, I found love. And in love!!! I knew it and felt in my bones!!! BUT that too has has left a sour taste in my mouth...Love has left me disappointed because the TRUTH is what has really broke my heart.

With a broken heart, I will NEVER love again. I will NEVER give my love or heart to another man. I refuse to be hurt again. I am DAMAGED!

WhY DO we FiGhT...

AAAARRRGHGHHHHHH, SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING!!!!! I HATE FIGHTING WITH MY BOO!!!!!! WHY THE CONSTANT FIGHT? WHY THE PUSH AND THE PROVOKING? WHY THE WANT OR NEED ME TO HAVE DRAMA? I DON'T WANT OR NEED FUCKING DRAMA. MY LIFE IS WAY TOO VOLATILE, WITHOUT ADDING DRAMA. I LOVE HIS ASS I SWEAR I DO!!! BUT WE ARE REALLY OFF. IT HAS US SO FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW...THAT I DON'T THINK HE'S GONNA MAKE LOVE TO ME WHEN HE GETS BACK INTO TOWN. I'M FEENING SOOOO BAD AND JUST WANT TO BE IN HIS ARMS AND BED. MAD BUT NOT MAD AT THE DICK...

MAYBE, THAT'S WHY I AM, AND GET SO ANNOYED, EASILY PROVOKED....I'M SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED!!! *There is documented research, stating that the lack of sex can have a devastating effect on your emotional and mental state...effects can include but are not limited to, irritability, angry outburst, insecurity, sadness, and withdrawal (sometimes also associated with depression). such effects can lead to uncharacteristic dreams, negative thoughts (and feeling or finding fault with your significant other), separation and possible break-ups* Yep, (I really read numerous articles and watched 2 videos about it) and there in lies MY problem!!!!I TRY TO KEEP IT COOL BUT THEN SNAP. I'M DEFINITELY IN THE IRRITABLE AND ANGRY OUTBURST STAGE.

HMMMM, SO WHAT'S UP WITH HIM???? WHY IS HE SO ANGRY? SHIT WE HAVE ALL THE SPACE IN THE WORLD (ESPECIALLY, SINCE HE'S THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY AND HAS BEEN FOR THE PAST 3 WEEKS). SO, I GUESS, HE'S AT THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND FINDING FAULT STAGE)...I KNOW WE CAN'T ALWAYS BE HAPPY, A FEW FIGHTS HERE AND THERE MAKE SENSE. BUT WHAT ARE WE EVEN FIGHTING ABOUT, IS MY QUESTION?!?!?!?!? I KNOW THERE IS A LOT OF STRESS GOING AROUND, BUT YOU KNOW THEY SAY...SEX CAN DEFINITELY HELP MINIMIZE STRESS!!! SO, I GUESS IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE TIMES :?

ANYWAY....I HATE THAT WE FIGHT. I MISS HIM AND JUST WANT HIM TO COME HOME. THEN WE CAN HAVE MAKE UP SEX :)

I Miss Us!!!

When we first met, we seemed inseparable. We had so much fun...he made me so happy. He's tall dark and handsome (just like I like 'em), he's kind, smart, confident, compassionate and all that good stuff we like. He was my Knight in Shinning armor, my Tarzan, my prince Charming...he was just mine. We laughed, we danced (well I did, cause he really can't-but is sooo cute when he does), we traveled, we hung out, we did nothing, we did everything. He introduced me to golf (for real), he made me love modeling again, he gave me flight, (in a single engine plane) he introduced me to sexual liberation, he gave me romance, he gave me lopsided gravity, fresh blueberry pancakes...he gave me LOVE and he gave me joy!!!

After a while things changed. I'm sure it was the news about the permanency of her and what it really meant. I was truly hurt and maybe never really recovered. But I wanted to fight for us and make it work...I wanted it to last, he was my life partner. I didn't want to give up. But throughout the relationship there were also many blowers! There were lies, deception, dishonesty and plain hurtful occasions. Committed on both of our parts. I wish I could do it all again.... I wish I could take all my lies, deception and dishonesty back. I wish I could've been more transparent about so many things...my needs, wants and desires. I would think things could've and would've been different.

The arguments got worse and worse. The inability to talk, paralyzed us. And it's so hard to let go when you want to hold on so bad. And so hard to hold on when you may just need to let go....I've never been one to give up easily, and didn't plan to give up at any point. But then, I started to feel like I was fighting for us, by myself. Things had changed. We had changed. Our love changed.

Not sure if I can ever get us back... but I miss us!!!!

His Wedding...who knew?!

We had known each other for a few months. I really liked him. NO, I REALLY LIKED him. He was exactly what I wanted, he was exactly what I needed. He treated me like a queen. He made me laugh, he made me happy...This was my new best thing. He had the look, he had the talk, he had swag, he had the goods and he had me wide open...

We laughed, we talked about everything, we were together all the time-he hung out, we traveled, we made love, we were happy, we were a couple.

So...LONG story SHORT!!!!

One weekend, one of his really good friends came into town. That Friday...my girl, me, his boy and him all hung out. We had a good time. They went to a poker party later that night. The next day, his boy my girl and I grabbed lunch. During lunch, his boy mentioned that he was going to a wedding. My girl volunteered to be his date. He declined her invitation and we thought nothing else about it. For the rest of the weekend, my girl and I figured they were male bonding... His boy, then vanished back into the mist.

A few days later, my baby decided to take a trip to St. Thomas. He invited me and I joined him a few days later. We had an amazing trip. Like many of our others, but more special.

Weeks and months went by and I couldn't have been happier...

UNTIL!!!! We went on another trip and I got a rude awakening...he decided to tell me he was married and that he had been married the entire time we had been together.

Yeah, so...
That weekend that his boy came into town and they went to the poker party!?
That was his bachelor party!
AND
That trip to St. Thomas?!
That was his honeymoon!?!? (He sent her home and had me join him?!?!)WTF
AND
That wedding that his friend mentioned he was going to?!
That was HIS wedding..who knew?!

Emotional Breakdown

There is always that one person that knows how to push your buttons...they know what to do or what to say and how to say it, to send you there. It can be the smallest of things...tone, demeanor, what was said or done, or a combination of them all. The pushing of buttons can creep up in a casual conversation or in the heat of an argument. And as the buttons are pushed, the words slowly send you into a frenzy. You begin to breath slowly, then faster. Your heart rate increases, your legs, foot or hand begins to bounce or tap. You close your eyes and try to hold it all in, but then you snap.

And the anger, rage and frustration ensues. The words start bolting out...they come quickly and uncontrollable. The words are harsh, mean, and not always meant but come out with such potency. All the built up emotions and thoughts of bullshit pierce the silence that has been kept for so long...screaming "Fuck You! Fuck this! Fuck us!"

And the pacing may begin, the packing up of belongings and the tears begin to flow... And you're was there... I was pushed there and I snapped!

I try very hard to shield my venerability, maintain control and protect my sanity and HEART. I love LOVE. I love to give and most definitely love to receive LOVE. I hate having to fight about it. I hate having to prove it and I hate that I keeping having to do both. I also have numerous other internal issues that I know I have to get through. And I think, if I could just conquer the love part, I'm confident the rest would just fall into place. It's really hard not having someone close to just talk and share shit with. But even more difficult to have to deal with all of it alone...all while pretending to always have it together.

And hence, is why I go to therapy...to help me keep all these things in check. I prefer my non-judgmental, non-condescending, sarcastic, nonthreatening and intimidating ear and shoulder. My Dr. doesn't push buttons, but turns knobs. I can say whatever, get it out in the open and analyze my mental state without fear and or rejection. My emotional breakdowns with my Dr. are breakthroughs and I generally feel better after each session. I can scream, cry and/or be happy about what we share and know that I can go back next week and he hasn't held it against me. (Yeah, I suppose because he's getting paid for it. But shit who else do I have?)

So, I had a breakthrough the other day, but not with my Dr. and because I didn't feel better after the session...it just seems like it was an emotional breakdown. :(

Valentines Day?!?!!?

So it's another Valentines Day. I've been conditioned to minimize the day by believing that 1 day isn't the day to go all out for the one you love. That love should be expressed and felt all through out the year. But I won't lie... I love flowers, I buy myself roses every week. I love candy/chocolate, I try to eat some everyday. Cards are thoughtful, teddy bears are cute. I love dressing up and going out out with my boo and then ending the night with that only special kinda dessert. So, why has that never happen? I've NEVER received flowers (ever, even for any other day. I've NEVER received a box of candy. I've never received a Vday card, and the ones you get from your classmates in elementary school doesn't count. And...EVERY SINGLE Valentines day, in my adult life...some bullshit has happened to me. I can't remember ONE special Vday...while I was married or since. And it SUCKS!!!! I hate Valentines day! I hate that I've conditioned to act as if I didn't like it. I hate that I've never had a valentine. Such a dumb ass holiday!!!!

And I don't get it, I know the importance and fundamentals that is needed in every great an healthy relationship...One would think, I should always have a valentine. Shit, I know how to have fun! I'm spontaneous, can be wild and crazy as needed and pretty open to what may come my way. Fun and laughter is important, it helps get through the rough stuff! And what else would we have when we grow old. And I know how to be and bring romance. I'm supportive, compassionate and all that other good stuff that's needed. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, WTF?!?!?! Why no valentine? Ever? and again Today.....

GRRRRR!!!!