The Planes Over Head

He wanted to be a pilot. He started taking lessons. He took me up in one of those little planes a couple of times. It was amazing. I felt so safe with him.

I woke up to the sound of (single engine) planes over my house today. And I started to cry. I miss him so much... It's gonna be a horrible day.

Going out

WOW!!!! So, I haven't been out alone, on purpose by myself in soooo long.... I coordinated a friends birthday party and had to attend. So... I stood in line...What the hell? I haven't stood in a line in years!!! And then, had to pay a cover. A cover, what the hell is a cover? I haven't had to pay one of those in years as well. Guess my ass has just been spoiled...

After getting in, I was there for about 5 minutes...and I was ready to go!!!! But, I overcame...because I'm a good friend and hung for as long as I could! I said to myself, "I will leave at 11:30" and I laughed out loud at that, because who says, I'll leave at 11:30? Moreover, who the hell leaves at 11:30?

But, I endured... I waited in line, I paid a bullshit ass cover and went to the VIP section where the b-day party commenced... I bought myself and the birthday boy a drink and sipped for 1 and half hours... Yes, I drank ONE drink!!! LOL I was really ready to go!!! The men were wack! conversatio9ns boring! the music was only OK, the drinks were weak, the food was over priced and bland and I just wanted to be in my bed... I texted my daughter the duration of the time. And I thought of my baby, who I'm sure wasn't thinking of me.... I paid my tab and rolled the hell out! And now... I'm home at 12:02am on a Friday night/Saturday morning blogging...WTF?!?! so much for going out....

Texts Messages

I read his text messages. Ever single one. I hate that I did, because when you look you will definitely find something...I didn't want to know the truth. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

He would text when we were together... "thinking of u", "wish u were here", "where u @?", "what's up w/ u later" etc. Oh, and then there were the good old sexts...they were all pretty explicit and detailed... Why? Was he really thinking of them? Or was it just a game? Did he really wish she was there? Or was it just about getting his dick sucked?

I mean he wouldn't even lie about where he was or what he was doing, just that he wasn't with me. I was so stupid, to think it was just me. And reading them made me feel even more stupid. The missing times, dates, and places began to fall into place. The supposed meetings turned into sexapades and conference calls tuned into phone sex. I was none the wiser.

The model, the bartender, the Ethiopian, the dancer/yoga instructor, the purse designer/hospital supervisor, the one who loved to give head, the one who loved it in her ass... And so many more...wish I would've read the text messages ALOT sooner!!!!

The usual topic

I had the opportunity of meeting 2 lovely young ladies. Only after a few hours, we were talking like we had been friends for years. And the usual subject matter...MEN.

*Insecurity vs. Woman's intuition, *Marriage, *Should I stay or should I go?, *I know he's cheating/Well I think he's cheating, *Baby daddies, and *Facebook LOL

We lost track of time just bantering about it all. No matter the circumstance...single, attached, co-habitants, dating, engaged, married, divorced, separated, about to break-up, we all have our own perspective of the male counter part. We've all had 1 or 20 experiences with men. Relationships with men can prove to be one of the most difficult things many of us do. And we are always questioning what it is that we are doing or should be doing in the relationship. We question our feelings, thoughts, philosophies, actions and we doubt our intuitions. We push away our families and friends, we become someone else.

At the end of the day...there are so many really good woman out there that just want to give love and be loved. And so many woman just want to be in good relationships. I don't know why it's so difficult. Or why men seem to be the common factor of the difficulty. And maybe I'm bot being fair by blaming men...BUT, statistics and research and rates all seem to show that there is a deficiency in the male make up (for relationships)...May they be gay, incarcerated, liars, pathological cheaters, sexually addicted, demanding egotistical misogynistic assholes, or just the inability to commit. Women will continue to question men and our relationships with them.

I enjoyed our talk and will definitely talk with them again and will also begin more dialogue with women about our take on men on earth but from Mars!!!

DAMAGED!!!

Have you ever been in love? NO, REAL inside and out feel good, in love. The sun rises on the cloudiest of days, in love. The happiest of times of your life can never be forgotten, in love. Yeah...that kind of love.

I now know what love is and what in love really means and how it feels. While I endured the fantasy of love and being in love with my ex husband. I know that in love was never what I really felt with him. However, I was a great wife and remain an amazing woman. I gave him love and did provide unconditional love.

After my ex, I found love. And in love!!! I knew it and felt in my bones!!! BUT that too has has left a sour taste in my mouth...Love has left me disappointed because the TRUTH is what has really broke my heart.

With a broken heart, I will NEVER love again. I will NEVER give my love or heart to another man. I refuse to be hurt again. I am DAMAGED!