Emotional Breakdown

There is always that one person that knows how to push your buttons...they know what to do or what to say and how to say it, to send you there. It can be the smallest of things...tone, demeanor, what was said or done, or a combination of them all. The pushing of buttons can creep up in a casual conversation or in the heat of an argument. And as the buttons are pushed, the words slowly send you into a frenzy. You begin to breath slowly, then faster. Your heart rate increases, your legs, foot or hand begins to bounce or tap. You close your eyes and try to hold it all in, but then you snap.

And the anger, rage and frustration ensues. The words start bolting out...they come quickly and uncontrollable. The words are harsh, mean, and not always meant but come out with such potency. All the built up emotions and thoughts of bullshit pierce the silence that has been kept for so long...screaming "Fuck You! Fuck this! Fuck us!"

And the pacing may begin, the packing up of belongings and the tears begin to flow... And you're was there... I was pushed there and I snapped!

I try very hard to shield my venerability, maintain control and protect my sanity and HEART. I love LOVE. I love to give and most definitely love to receive LOVE. I hate having to fight about it. I hate having to prove it and I hate that I keeping having to do both. I also have numerous other internal issues that I know I have to get through. And I think, if I could just conquer the love part, I'm confident the rest would just fall into place. It's really hard not having someone close to just talk and share shit with. But even more difficult to have to deal with all of it alone...all while pretending to always have it together.

And hence, is why I go to therapy...to help me keep all these things in check. I prefer my non-judgmental, non-condescending, sarcastic, nonthreatening and intimidating ear and shoulder. My Dr. doesn't push buttons, but turns knobs. I can say whatever, get it out in the open and analyze my mental state without fear and or rejection. My emotional breakdowns with my Dr. are breakthroughs and I generally feel better after each session. I can scream, cry and/or be happy about what we share and know that I can go back next week and he hasn't held it against me. (Yeah, I suppose because he's getting paid for it. But shit who else do I have?)

So, I had a breakthrough the other day, but not with my Dr. and because I didn't feel better after the session...it just seems like it was an emotional breakdown. :(