DEad BeAT DAD

OMG!!!! I'm probably (1 of) the most compassionate and understanding single mothers. My children's father has yet to pay a dime of his court ordered child support. For the past 4 years! He has yet to maintain a consistent schedule and spend real time with his children. And he has yet to provide any kind of nurturing to them. Oh, wait...because my son is some what athletically inclined, he is very involved with my son's sports career. (Hmmm, maybe because he wants to be there when he's drafted into the league?!).

My children go to great private schools, have clothes, shoes, food to eat, a roof over their heads and pretty much get any and everything they may need. So how dare he get an attitude when I call him useless. I remind him passively about needing money and or help and try to be delicate around his inability to be responsible (for anything). BUT DAMN!!!!!! When will he step up? When will he decide to be a man? When will he really work at developing a real relationship with his daughter.

How dare I say anything to him about his dead beat tendencies. Man I should've really thought through my sperm donors donation. Who knew, my children would have a dead beat dad?

That Something....

Puppy love, infatuation, love, Euros, lust, philos, Agape....whatever you want to call it. That deep down all you do is think about him, the smile that comes across your face when you see a text or incoming call from him. The goofy smirk when he walks into a room. The excitement of any time spent together sends you into a whirlwind. The butterflies in your stomach when things don't seem to be going right. All the extra effort to look your best. All that emotional mushy gushy shit, that makes you ignore any and everything. It's when you're in LOVE.

Damn it, I'm there. And I know I should be the happiest girl in the world. But there is always something. That something that makes you second guess your instincts. That something that gives you pause. It's that something that eats away at your heart, when not paying attention. That something that you just don't understand. And I can't put my finger on it, but it's something. And I try so hard to resist it, because I'm so happy in love...but damn it...it's something.

That something, it lingers, it may only linger in my alone and quiet moments but that something is always there. It creeps up in forms of insecurities and inability to trust. It's the doubt and misconceptions. The lies and baggage of the past. The damage and hurt of failed expectations. That something floats above me like a rain cloud and I never have an umbrella. I wish that something feeling would just go away or I could ignore it better. I want the love to be stronger than the somethings that make me weak. I want to be in love without the that something.