Wednesday, March 3, 2010

A mouse?

The other day I found a dead mouse in my garage. Surely a little field mouse that got in and couldn't get out. I had to shake the hebbie jebbies off and put my big girl panties on...scoop it up and throw it out. I needed to get poison and traps to prevent future sightings. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But with this circumstance, made me remember another situation. And thinking back, I don't know what I was thinking....

After some good days of time spent, a night of awesome love making. My boo and I laid in bed, basking and spooning each other. His phone begins to ring. Not texts, not e-mails, but ringing...over and over and over... Who would or could be calling him at 2am? He ignored the first 3 or 4, but then decided to answer after the calls wouldn't stop coming. He took the call and returned to bed. He returned different-unsettled, perturbed and distant. So of course I ask, What's up? He initially didn't seem to want to talk about it, but knew I wouldn't let it go... Long story short...his other chic had a mouse in her room and didn't want to stay in her apartment/room what ever?!?!?! And she wanted to go to his house. I guess they had some discussion and she was upset that I was there. She also seemed persistent as well as aggressive and was going to his house regardless. He expressed not wanting drama but didn't know how to resolve the problem. I decided to just leave. No drama, no questions asked. I left. We never discussed the situation again.

WTF?!?!?!? What the fuck??? I'm/I was his main chic! Who the fuck was this bitch? Why was she a priority? Why didn't he put her in her place? Why did he put ME in that situation? Why didn't he protect me? Why did I leave? Why did I not ask for an explanation? What kind of shit is/was that? Even better question...What the fuck was I thinking?!?!?

I was like a timid fucking mouse, that got scooped up and thrown out....

Monday, March 1, 2010

I Miss Us!!!

When we first met, we seemed inseparable. We had so much fun...he made me so happy. He's tall dark and handsome (just like I like 'em), he's kind, smart, confident, compassionate and all that good stuff we like. He was my Knight in Shinning armor, my Tarzan, my prince Charming...he was just mine. We laughed, we danced (well I did, cause he really can't-but is sooo cute when he does), we traveled, we hung out, we did nothing, we did everything. He introduced me to golf (for real), he made me love modeling again, he gave me flight, (in a single engine plane) he introduced me to sexual liberation, he gave me romance, he gave me lopsided gravity, fresh blueberry pancakes...he gave me LOVE and he gave me joy!!!

After a while things changed. I'm sure it was the news about the permanency of her and what it really meant. I was truly hurt and maybe never really recovered. But I wanted to fight for us and make it work...I wanted it to last, he was my life partner. I didn't want to give up. But throughout the relationship there were also many blowers! There were lies, deception, dishonesty and plain hurtful occasions. Committed on both of our parts. I wish I could do it all again.... I wish I could take all my lies, deception and dishonesty back. I wish I could've been more transparent about so many things...my needs, wants and desires. I would think things could've and would've been different.

The arguments got worse and worse. The inability to talk, paralyzed us. And it's so hard to let go when you want to hold on so bad. And so hard to hold on when you may just need to let go....I've never been one to give up easily, and didn't plan to give up at any point. But then, I started to feel like I was fighting for us, by myself. Things had changed. We had changed. Our love changed.

Not sure if I can ever get us back... but I miss us!!!!