On a Sunday afternoon, a friend and I are chilling and she gets a call (from her boo)... After the call she quickly interrupts our outing and informs me that we had to get back to her house so she could shower and roll out to her boos house. During the phone call, her boo did say that she didn't have to shower and could just shower at his house. She explained that we were together, that my car was at her house and that it only made sense for her to freshen up at her house. I mention that it was a Sunday, because she proceeded to pack an over night bag. She had planned to spend the night and go to work from his house.
Another friend, just recently started seeing this guy. She has spent the night a few times, but quickly runs out of his house early in the morning to avoid the morning breath encounter. I thought this was absolutely hilarious!!!! I had never thought about it before, and actually have no problem kissing my baby in the morning. I think he almost did/does it on purpose... I think it means something. But anyway. So I asked her, why don't you just get a toothbrush. But she is hell bent against it, saying she doesn't want to force anything on him?!?! Hmmmm, So I started thinking... then who gets the toothbrush and when?
Even funnier, One of my very best friends; who happens to be married...still doesn't pass gas in front of her husband. And she uses the bathroom in the basement to take a shit, away from him. HILARIOUS!!!! WTF?!?! I'm thinking to myself 'ya'll are married'... They have shared the most intimate and probably nastiest situations with one another, but she can't flatuate or excremate around him?
And of course All of those scenarios got me to thinking.... *laughing like shit* What is the amount of time that it is OK to shower at your boos house? or yours for that matter? And when is it OK to start bringing a change of clothes? Or leave clothes at their house. Does the boo then get their own drawer and/or closet space? And then what does all that mean? And when is it appropriate to really have a toothbrush at your boos house? If the girl buys it for either house, does it mean she's being too aggressive and moving too fast or just wants either of them to have fresh breath, before that morning kiss. But if he buys the toothbrush or refuses...what does that mean? And last but not least, the whole flatuating and/or excremenating around your boo. When is OK to flatuate around your boo or just the opposite sex for that matter. What about having to REALLY use the bathroom at their house? When is it OK? DO you tell or warn them, to avoid the awkward situation of them walking in after you and taking a whiff?!
As for me...clothes at his house are not a huge deal. I guess having at least a change of underwear is pretty important, but not that serious. I suppose if I know I'm staying and have something really important to do the next day, I may shower and bring a change of clothes or leave really early. However, a toothbrush at his house (to me) has NOTHING to do with rushing things or a commitment. A toothbrush simply means, I want to brush my teeth in the morning! And I try not to pass gas or do #2 around my boo, just don't think it's lady like. But I do think I pass gas in my sleep. *LOL* He's never said anything though, but I think I do. Oh, and it took me over 2 years to actually use the bathroom at his house. It just seemed weird and even to this day... I use the bathroom in the basement.
I mean when are you ever really comfortable?
Showing posts with label lovers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lovers. Show all posts
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
He loves Me, he LOVES me NOT
No matter the distance, what either of us have or had been doing, if we had spoke or not; when we would see each other...we seemed to always pick up where we left off. We seemed to roll like there was never a break. HOWEVER, this time was a little-NO this time was ALOT different. My baby came into town and it was different.
The spark was Not in his eyes. His kiss was hesitant and he held me different when we laid in bed. He didn't hold me tight, with my legs on lock down all night. He didn't hug me close, to ensure I would never get away. Nor did he ever reach for me to ensure I was still there. He didn't even notice that I was wide awake the duration of the night or when I got out of bed. And the weirdest of all...he fucked me, not made love to me. He could've cared less if I had came that night or weeks prior. We felt different.
My text and calls went unanswered. And our communication in general seemed forced. He seemed to have forgotten the importance he was/is in my life. He didn't even ask about the kids, who always ask about him. Nor did he ask how business was going or if I was still sustaining some type of financial life. He didn't seem to care. His touch was cold and his words were frank. I felt unsure about who my love had become. I seemed to have been an option and not his priority. He was different!
This encounter seemed like perchance, a convenient circumstance. Where I had once felt confident and happy to be his baby, this encounter... I felt awkward and out of place around him. It all made me wonder... did he still love me or love me not. His attention and priorities didn't feel like it was about me. We felt different.
I hate wondering if he still loves me or loves me not...
*this blog is subject to futher development*
The spark was Not in his eyes. His kiss was hesitant and he held me different when we laid in bed. He didn't hold me tight, with my legs on lock down all night. He didn't hug me close, to ensure I would never get away. Nor did he ever reach for me to ensure I was still there. He didn't even notice that I was wide awake the duration of the night or when I got out of bed. And the weirdest of all...he fucked me, not made love to me. He could've cared less if I had came that night or weeks prior. We felt different.
My text and calls went unanswered. And our communication in general seemed forced. He seemed to have forgotten the importance he was/is in my life. He didn't even ask about the kids, who always ask about him. Nor did he ask how business was going or if I was still sustaining some type of financial life. He didn't seem to care. His touch was cold and his words were frank. I felt unsure about who my love had become. I seemed to have been an option and not his priority. He was different!
This encounter seemed like perchance, a convenient circumstance. Where I had once felt confident and happy to be his baby, this encounter... I felt awkward and out of place around him. It all made me wonder... did he still love me or love me not. His attention and priorities didn't feel like it was about me. We felt different.
I hate wondering if he still loves me or loves me not...
*this blog is subject to futher development*
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Anybody out there?
I read or maybe heard a quote about relationships, 'the greater the hurt and pain the harder the process to heal.' and with that I began to think... WOW, so will I ever heal? I'm convinced I'm damaged goods at this point. I have NO want, need, or desire to give my love to anyone anymore. Nor do I even feel like being bothered with relationships. So, I must agree with the quote...and acknowledge my journey of healing to be a great feat, if not even impossible.
I've let myself go...even grow; remember I still have a goonie goo goo growing between my legs. I now pull my hair back, more often than usual. I've decided to wear clothes for comfort versus my super cute ensembles, during my outings. AND I've resorted to flats when I go out-Very odd! Because if you follow my blog; you know I LOVE my stilettos! I'm down right mean to any man that tries to talk to me now. And I must say, my attitude toward men in general these days SUCKS!!! I just don't care and don't want to try anymore. None of this is to be concluded that...I'm now bitter and or have no self love. On the contrary!!! I am absolutely not bitter, but better! And I absolutely love myself. My priorities have just changed...and loving or giving love to undeserving men is not important to me anymore!!!
I do however, remember great love and what it felt like... So on my journey, I do I wonder...is there anybody out there?!
Is there anybody out there that can or will make me laugh and smile like he did? Is there anybody out there that can or will love me like he did? Will he care for and take care of me? Will we talk and play? Will we go here, there and no where? Will he pull my card and put me in check when I need to be spanked? Will he spank me?! Is there anybody out there that will hold me at night like he did. Will he look in my eyes and I know what it means? Will he understand my sporadic whims and fluctuations of love making and fucking? Is there anybody out here even deserving of what I have to offer? Will he appreciate me and cherish my heart? Will he know me? Is there any body out there that will love ME?
Is there anybody out there that could help me on my journey of healing? And if he's out there, would I even give him a chance?
I've let myself go...even grow; remember I still have a goonie goo goo growing between my legs. I now pull my hair back, more often than usual. I've decided to wear clothes for comfort versus my super cute ensembles, during my outings. AND I've resorted to flats when I go out-Very odd! Because if you follow my blog; you know I LOVE my stilettos! I'm down right mean to any man that tries to talk to me now. And I must say, my attitude toward men in general these days SUCKS!!! I just don't care and don't want to try anymore. None of this is to be concluded that...I'm now bitter and or have no self love. On the contrary!!! I am absolutely not bitter, but better! And I absolutely love myself. My priorities have just changed...and loving or giving love to undeserving men is not important to me anymore!!!
I do however, remember great love and what it felt like... So on my journey, I do I wonder...is there anybody out there?!
Is there anybody out there that can or will make me laugh and smile like he did? Is there anybody out there that can or will love me like he did? Will he care for and take care of me? Will we talk and play? Will we go here, there and no where? Will he pull my card and put me in check when I need to be spanked? Will he spank me?! Is there anybody out there that will hold me at night like he did. Will he look in my eyes and I know what it means? Will he understand my sporadic whims and fluctuations of love making and fucking? Is there anybody out here even deserving of what I have to offer? Will he appreciate me and cherish my heart? Will he know me? Is there any body out there that will love ME?
Is there anybody out there that could help me on my journey of healing? And if he's out there, would I even give him a chance?
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monogamous Man?!
Is there a such thing as a monogamous man or if men can really be in a monogamous relationship....
***I actually think some men can be and want to be monogamous... but don't know how. I think they want and need companionship in life but just can't seem to get it right. I think the player thing and all the variety has to get old and at the end of the day, being a player I'm sure can be and gets lonely.
I actually think a man can have a really hott, attractive woman with everything he wants type, but still want something else. Because even if with the hotter, more attractive and gives it up more and better, there is always...Temptation! Which should be just that, temptation. The 'wants', the 'feels good' and 'desirable', but that doesn't necessarily mean he has to act on it. Is it really men's egos? Do men really need or have to fuck all the women they can?
And what about the internal?! The emotional and mental make up of a woman?! Who a woman really is and her character make up?! Hmmmm, and do men really look for that woman that has their equal philosophies and morals in life. Or better yet, think about if that woman has their equal sexual desire?!
I think we are all sexual beings and some men are just more than others. Biologically, I don't think men are meant to be monogamous. They are hard wired to find the best mate to propagate our species. And although some species do exhibit monogamous behavior, I believe it is less common in primates overall.
So, I wonder if an open relationship could or would fix some of those relationships that can't handle the monogamy. Does that mean, when you agree to an open relationship that the couple actually just wants to keep their options open for something better. And that the couple is settling until that better comes along?! So, is that couple then not considering that the current is the best?! Hmmm, and what about catching feelings with another person while being in an open relationship? If the open relationship is in place to just keep the couples options open, I suppose I wouldn't recommend hanging around for too long if monogamy isn't going to be an option.
So what is acceptable for a woman to agree or not agree to in her relationship?
And are women then lowering their standards and requiring less of men because they are afraid to lose them? I suppose a lot of women do things out of insecurities and don't want the "possible" good one to get away. But then let him get away with bullshit... with fears of not getting or finding better?! Unfortunately, I think it's hard for women to be truly secure with themselves because men keep us on the fence. I think women are insecure by nature and often measure, compare and compete with other women. Because of and for men. We compare and second guess our looks, worth and physical value's instead of doing it for ourselves.
I actually think commitment and exclusivity mean different things, people seem to intertwine them, which makes relationships difficult. I do however, believe that commitment means a man is ready to be in a relationship... BUT it doesn't necessarily mean he will be exclusive or monogamous, which by definition means...The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time. I think with commitment he just decided to be committed, which by definition means...A pledge or the state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons to one woman. And with the commitment, it's not whether he can be monogamous, it's whether he can admit that he is and will be.
Unfortunately, I just don't think people have old morals anymore...I don't think there is respect for relationships, commitment and exclusivity anymore. What happen to peoples sense of self and self worth? Moreover the importance of love, sex, relationships and what it all really means.
Sooo, with all that blah, blah, blah and blah said...I know I'm a sexual being, I know I have strong sexual desires but doesn't mean I have to go elsewhere if they're not being met at every moment. I absolutely believe in a committed relationship. I'm old fashioned, with old time morals and views on relationships. I love love, I want to grow old with someone. I like being a committed and FAITHFUL person. I refuse to gamble with my health with multiple partners and would hope that my partner feels the same... when it comes down to it, if you love someone, and truly do, why would you want anything else? Sure, the relationship may have it's low points...those ugly, bad and worse times. And sure maybe there are moments of wanting something new, different or whatever, but life and love isn't all about the physical and that's what people don't understand anymore.
Everyone is meant to find their diamond...a monogamous relationship in the rough. Diamonds are rare; but once you find it, you keep it, cherish it...because like diamonds...love is also forever.
***I actually think some men can be and want to be monogamous... but don't know how. I think they want and need companionship in life but just can't seem to get it right. I think the player thing and all the variety has to get old and at the end of the day, being a player I'm sure can be and gets lonely.
I actually think a man can have a really hott, attractive woman with everything he wants type, but still want something else. Because even if with the hotter, more attractive and gives it up more and better, there is always...Temptation! Which should be just that, temptation. The 'wants', the 'feels good' and 'desirable', but that doesn't necessarily mean he has to act on it. Is it really men's egos? Do men really need or have to fuck all the women they can?
And what about the internal?! The emotional and mental make up of a woman?! Who a woman really is and her character make up?! Hmmmm, and do men really look for that woman that has their equal philosophies and morals in life. Or better yet, think about if that woman has their equal sexual desire?!
I think we are all sexual beings and some men are just more than others. Biologically, I don't think men are meant to be monogamous. They are hard wired to find the best mate to propagate our species. And although some species do exhibit monogamous behavior, I believe it is less common in primates overall.
So, I wonder if an open relationship could or would fix some of those relationships that can't handle the monogamy. Does that mean, when you agree to an open relationship that the couple actually just wants to keep their options open for something better. And that the couple is settling until that better comes along?! So, is that couple then not considering that the current is the best?! Hmmm, and what about catching feelings with another person while being in an open relationship? If the open relationship is in place to just keep the couples options open, I suppose I wouldn't recommend hanging around for too long if monogamy isn't going to be an option.
So what is acceptable for a woman to agree or not agree to in her relationship?
And are women then lowering their standards and requiring less of men because they are afraid to lose them? I suppose a lot of women do things out of insecurities and don't want the "possible" good one to get away. But then let him get away with bullshit... with fears of not getting or finding better?! Unfortunately, I think it's hard for women to be truly secure with themselves because men keep us on the fence. I think women are insecure by nature and often measure, compare and compete with other women. Because of and for men. We compare and second guess our looks, worth and physical value's instead of doing it for ourselves.
I actually think commitment and exclusivity mean different things, people seem to intertwine them, which makes relationships difficult. I do however, believe that commitment means a man is ready to be in a relationship... BUT it doesn't necessarily mean he will be exclusive or monogamous, which by definition means...The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time. I think with commitment he just decided to be committed, which by definition means...A pledge or the state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons to one woman. And with the commitment, it's not whether he can be monogamous, it's whether he can admit that he is and will be.
Unfortunately, I just don't think people have old morals anymore...I don't think there is respect for relationships, commitment and exclusivity anymore. What happen to peoples sense of self and self worth? Moreover the importance of love, sex, relationships and what it all really means.
Sooo, with all that blah, blah, blah and blah said...I know I'm a sexual being, I know I have strong sexual desires but doesn't mean I have to go elsewhere if they're not being met at every moment. I absolutely believe in a committed relationship. I'm old fashioned, with old time morals and views on relationships. I love love, I want to grow old with someone. I like being a committed and FAITHFUL person. I refuse to gamble with my health with multiple partners and would hope that my partner feels the same... when it comes down to it, if you love someone, and truly do, why would you want anything else? Sure, the relationship may have it's low points...those ugly, bad and worse times. And sure maybe there are moments of wanting something new, different or whatever, but life and love isn't all about the physical and that's what people don't understand anymore.
Everyone is meant to find their diamond...a monogamous relationship in the rough. Diamonds are rare; but once you find it, you keep it, cherish it...because like diamonds...love is also forever.
Friday, March 26, 2010
3 Strikes...your out
So I decided! I'm DONE!!! I've been married...FAILED! Had a lover...FAILED! Had the LOVE of my life...FAILED. A girl can only take so much failure, so I'm done!!! And just like that, I CAN and have decided to never give my heart again. I will not fall in, be in or love again. I refuse to set my self up for failure ever again! I'm an over achiever and failure I just can't and won't do again!!!
Funny thing is, I'm the first to say, "I love LOVE", love being in love and support as well as encourage love. I'm a hopeless romantic. Love the candles, roses, bubble baths, kisses on the forehead/neck/cheek, the walks on the beach and all the mushy bullshit too. But I obviously can't seem to get this love thing straight, So, I've decided to never love again!!! Relationships and love are for the birds. I can't keep giving and trying to be the best...wife, lover, girlfriend...whatever for my health any more!!! I know I'm a damn good woman, and for the 3 that let me get away... YOUR BAD!!! YOUR LOSS!!!
I will admit my faults (for we all have them), my mistakes (for we all make them) but mine were No worse than the faults and mistakes made unto me. I will not be responsible, for the breakdowns in my relationships. I may have fucked up, but his fuck ups were much worse. I may have lied, but his lies were the WORST! And at the end of the day, I will not be the blame for these fuckin men's inability to give me what I want, need, and deserve!
I want to be loved and made love to. I want him to know me...I want him to know my likes and dislikes. Know when I'm happy, mad, or sad. Know what the tone in my voice means. Know when I'm trying hard to make his day, or make him smile and keep him happy. I don't want to be someone else around him, because I'm afraid he will judge or hold it against me later. I want and need him to know that I want and need his love, affection and attention-that his text, e-mails and calls are the highlight of my day (yeah, I may get others...but they mean SHIT!). I need him to know that I need his daily words of support and encouragement. I need him to know that I want and need to be in his arms at night. I need him to know that I am a priority, NOT an option. I need him to know that when I say, "I'm gonna go", I want him to say "I want you to stay"! Because, I know we will argue, who doesn't? It's human nature. It would be un-natural not to. But, I'm also gonna need him to put me in my place sometimes, because I know I get SHARP about the tongue sometimes.
I need him to know that my goodies are only his goodies! And that I only move like that for him...I want him to know what it means when my eyes roll back in my head, what my high pitched sigh means, or what the arch in my back is about when he makes love to me. He will know when I'm in the mood and He will be happy that he is the only one to satisfy me.
I mean hey, I'm a love love kinda girl and I deserED those things. But they're not gonna ever happen. I've given up!!! I will look no more or ever again. I don't think there's a man out there, or that there is a man that can or will ever love me like that! So, I'm DONE!
I'm no longer delusional about my Prince Charming, Knight and Shinning Armor or My Tarzan. For me, he doesn't fucking exist. I've given up on my fantasy. That fairytale was just bullshit. I've awaken from that dream! I'm no longer delusional about what it means to be faithful, exclusive and monogamous. I'm no longer delusional about men's ability to NOT cheat. There's been and is currently a new phenomenon and philosophy of open relationships and marriages... Poly-relationships?!?! WTF!?!? So, why should I continue to live in oblivion? I won't! I'm no longer delusional about what a man wants and needs. I'm no longer delusional. I refuse to be! I refuse to fail again!
So, I love sports... with football you need a 1st down (a few 1st downs), then a touch down...the team with the most touchdowns wins. Basketball-a good layup, some free throws, three pointer a few slam dunks, and the team with the most points wins and I also know alittle about baseball...1st base, second base third...maybe a home run...after 9 innings the team with the most points wins. BUT!!!! I also know, that in baseball...3 strikes and your out!!!! So, for me...GAME OVER!!!
Funny thing is, I'm the first to say, "I love LOVE", love being in love and support as well as encourage love. I'm a hopeless romantic. Love the candles, roses, bubble baths, kisses on the forehead/neck/cheek, the walks on the beach and all the mushy bullshit too. But I obviously can't seem to get this love thing straight, So, I've decided to never love again!!! Relationships and love are for the birds. I can't keep giving and trying to be the best...wife, lover, girlfriend...whatever for my health any more!!! I know I'm a damn good woman, and for the 3 that let me get away... YOUR BAD!!! YOUR LOSS!!!
I will admit my faults (for we all have them), my mistakes (for we all make them) but mine were No worse than the faults and mistakes made unto me. I will not be responsible, for the breakdowns in my relationships. I may have fucked up, but his fuck ups were much worse. I may have lied, but his lies were the WORST! And at the end of the day, I will not be the blame for these fuckin men's inability to give me what I want, need, and deserve!
I want to be loved and made love to. I want him to know me...I want him to know my likes and dislikes. Know when I'm happy, mad, or sad. Know what the tone in my voice means. Know when I'm trying hard to make his day, or make him smile and keep him happy. I don't want to be someone else around him, because I'm afraid he will judge or hold it against me later. I want and need him to know that I want and need his love, affection and attention-that his text, e-mails and calls are the highlight of my day (yeah, I may get others...but they mean SHIT!). I need him to know that I need his daily words of support and encouragement. I need him to know that I want and need to be in his arms at night. I need him to know that I am a priority, NOT an option. I need him to know that when I say, "I'm gonna go", I want him to say "I want you to stay"! Because, I know we will argue, who doesn't? It's human nature. It would be un-natural not to. But, I'm also gonna need him to put me in my place sometimes, because I know I get SHARP about the tongue sometimes.
I need him to know that my goodies are only his goodies! And that I only move like that for him...I want him to know what it means when my eyes roll back in my head, what my high pitched sigh means, or what the arch in my back is about when he makes love to me. He will know when I'm in the mood and He will be happy that he is the only one to satisfy me.
I mean hey, I'm a love love kinda girl and I deserED those things. But they're not gonna ever happen. I've given up!!! I will look no more or ever again. I don't think there's a man out there, or that there is a man that can or will ever love me like that! So, I'm DONE!
I'm no longer delusional about my Prince Charming, Knight and Shinning Armor or My Tarzan. For me, he doesn't fucking exist. I've given up on my fantasy. That fairytale was just bullshit. I've awaken from that dream! I'm no longer delusional about what it means to be faithful, exclusive and monogamous. I'm no longer delusional about men's ability to NOT cheat. There's been and is currently a new phenomenon and philosophy of open relationships and marriages... Poly-relationships?!?! WTF!?!? So, why should I continue to live in oblivion? I won't! I'm no longer delusional about what a man wants and needs. I'm no longer delusional. I refuse to be! I refuse to fail again!
So, I love sports... with football you need a 1st down (a few 1st downs), then a touch down...the team with the most touchdowns wins. Basketball-a good layup, some free throws, three pointer a few slam dunks, and the team with the most points wins and I also know alittle about baseball...1st base, second base third...maybe a home run...after 9 innings the team with the most points wins. BUT!!!! I also know, that in baseball...3 strikes and your out!!!! So, for me...GAME OVER!!!
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