Date nite (the kids version)

LMAO....

Ok so, I purchased all my goodies (strawberries, chocolate, KY, massage oil, whip cream etc.) from the Safeway and added a few other household items during this shopping trip. I picked my son up as I usually do and headed home. Getting out of the truck, as he is suppose to do, he grabs all of the bags out of the truck.

I run into the house (with a mission on my mind) make sure things are in order and proceed back outside. I change into my little to nothing outfit, fix my hair and make-up (all in the truck) and proceed to my boo's house.

I get to his house and begin to gather all the goodies...naked outfit (check), food, with dessert (check), wine (check), bag of groceries...NOT THERE!!!!! SHIT!!!!! My son must've grabbed that bag too...

I call my son...
"Hey, did you take all the bags into the house?"
"Yes, mame."
"Damn it, OK"
"I'm sorry mommy, did I do something wrong?"
"No!"
I hang up the phone and head back to my house.....

Upon entering the house, I now have to button all the buttons on my simple "little" coat and tie it-I have on little to no clothes underneath. LOL. I enter the house...

My son yells....

"All I'm gonna say is, THAT'S NASTY!!! All those things in that bag together...just nasty!" He then begins coming down the stairs.
"And didn't you have on jeans a few minutes ago?" With a VERY puzzled look on his face...LOL
My only response, "Mind your damn business!!!"

And I run outta the house.

All I can think and say is....TOO FUNNY!!!!

Date nite

So my boo and I don't get to spend much time together anymore :/. So I'm doing this long distant relationship thing. (thats another blog for another day) I didn't want his trip back to just be about us catching up on sex. I wanted to spend some time with him, I wanted to do something and or maybe go somewhere. I decided we should have a date night. I had lots of ideas....but this one was sexy!!!! Well at least I thought it was.

I picked up some really good food from his favorite restaurant and dessert!!! I grabbed a really good bottle of wine, some strawberries and chocolate. I got some "Silk" KY and some massage lotion. I put a sexy little (and I mean little) red lingerie and hott high heals on. I touched up my make-up and fluffed my hair. I was ready for a crazy, sexy, cool-date with my boo.

I headed to his house to surprise him with all my goodies AND....I get there and his ass was sleep. Not just sleep, but knocked out. He didn't hear the door bell or my knocks. I finally get in through the garage. I couldn't believe it, I thought he would be up and excited to see my naked ass (literally) serving him goodies. But, his response was pretty subdooed. I served him his food in my barely nothing get up drank the wine, ate a little food and went to sleep.

He seemed unphased by my efforts. I was more than disappointed in my (attempted) date night... FML!!!!

Just a FuCk

It's in the back of my mind. It's that sick feeling in my stomach. It's the I know the truth but don't want to KNOW the truth. But, I ask the question.... "So, are you fucking someone?" The pause, the squirm, the body shift, the uncomfortable look in his eyes and then the answer.

"It's just a fuck"

Wow. That shit hits me like a brick to the head!!!! I knew but didn't want to know!

So, am I mad? Do I get angry? Nope...JUST HURT!!!! Disappointed!!! Frustrated! Why?! Why really isn't the question. I know why....he loves sex, needs his dick sucked. I guess we had that conversation? But I guess, what I thought it all meant-was something else.

But what does hurt is that, if it were me saying "It was just a fuck" he'd be crushed!!!! How dare I just fuck? But he can and does. Sex, Love making, just fucking-when you share that with someone other than the person you love and or care about you giving up a special piece of who you are! Does he care? Does he care that as he Just fucks...a piece of me dies each time.

Just a fuck?!?! WTF!!!

Baby Blues...

I hadn't seen my monthly friend for a few weeks. I took 2 test and they both were negative. I didn't know what was up. I had been really stressed and just assumed it was just that-STREES. I had never missed a cycle and it had always came like clock work, so it was very weird for me. And I was sick?!

My boo, says he wants a family. Wants to get me pregnant and wants me to move away with him. HMMMMMMMM. All of that sounds great BUT scares the shit outta me. 1st, we already have sooooo many issues. Add baby?! Add another country?! Would that or could that help us work through our issues? I just don't know.

I've pretty much charged marriage to hell. That will never happen again. I had put having another baby in that catagory aswell. But something has oddly changed.... The weird missing cycle thing, the baby talk with my boo and the constant baby perchancehappenings. I see babies everywhere I go, I see them on tv more and I'm even looking at baby items. And even more peculiar....my children have expressed wanting another sibling.

WTF?!

I would love a baby. But would I love the responsibility? The responsibility that is soon over when my daughter is 18. Would I love the loss of my freedom of doing whatever, whenever without having to wory about who's got the kids?! Would I get and have the emotional support I never had with the other two? Just don't know...

But the cycle finally came. And now, I'm thinking...maybe I wish it hadn't come. Wishing, the tests were positive. Weird kinda baby blues

I wonder

I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned. I thought about and tried to please myself but was unsuccessful. Haven't had sex since my birthday...and that sex was that good shit too. That mind blowing, slap yo mamma, can give a fuck about any other nigga in the world that steps to me sex. So maybe I'm alittle sexually frustrated. And I laid there and began to wonder....

What is he doing right now? Who is he with. He can't be sleeping alone. Who is he laying with? How he met me? How much does he like her? Did she just give him head. If he gave her oral pleasure. And I wonder if he gives it to her like he did me. And I wonder if he kisses her and looks her in her eyes. If his strokes are long and soft or short and hard. Is it just a fuck or is he making love to her? I know he's talking that nasty dirty talk, wonder if he calls her ALL the names he calls me. Wonder if he pulls her hair and chokes her. Probably wanted to take the ass. I wonder if he tells her how good it is and cums in pure happiness. I hope his ass used and is using condoms! I wish he wouldn't and wasn't. But I often wonder.

DEad BeAT DAD

OMG!!!! I'm probably (1 of) the most compassionate and understanding single mothers. My children's father has yet to pay a dime of his court ordered child support. For the past 4 years! He has yet to maintain a consistent schedule and spend real time with his children. And he has yet to provide any kind of nurturing to them. Oh, wait...because my son is some what athletically inclined, he is very involved with my son's sports career. (Hmmm, maybe because he wants to be there when he's drafted into the league?!).

My children go to great private schools, have clothes, shoes, food to eat, a roof over their heads and pretty much get any and everything they may need. So how dare he get an attitude when I call him useless. I remind him passively about needing money and or help and try to be delicate around his inability to be responsible (for anything). BUT DAMN!!!!!! When will he step up? When will he decide to be a man? When will he really work at developing a real relationship with his daughter.

How dare I say anything to him about his dead beat tendencies. Man I should've really thought through my sperm donors donation. Who knew, my children would have a dead beat dad?

That Something....

Puppy love, infatuation, love, Euros, lust, philos, Agape....whatever you want to call it. That deep down all you do is think about him, the smile that comes across your face when you see a text or incoming call from him. The goofy smirk when he walks into a room. The excitement of any time spent together sends you into a whirlwind. The butterflies in your stomach when things don't seem to be going right. All the extra effort to look your best. All that emotional mushy gushy shit, that makes you ignore any and everything. It's when you're in LOVE.

Damn it, I'm there. And I know I should be the happiest girl in the world. But there is always something. That something that makes you second guess your instincts. That something that gives you pause. It's that something that eats away at your heart, when not paying attention. That something that you just don't understand. And I can't put my finger on it, but it's something. And I try so hard to resist it, because I'm so happy in love...but damn it...it's something.

That something, it lingers, it may only linger in my alone and quiet moments but that something is always there. It creeps up in forms of insecurities and inability to trust. It's the doubt and misconceptions. The lies and baggage of the past. The damage and hurt of failed expectations. That something floats above me like a rain cloud and I never have an umbrella. I wish that something feeling would just go away or I could ignore it better. I want the love to be stronger than the somethings that make me weak. I want to be in love without the that something.