That Something....

Puppy love, infatuation, love, Euros, lust, philos, Agape....whatever you want to call it. That deep down all you do is think about him, the smile that comes across your face when you see a text or incoming call from him. The goofy smirk when he walks into a room. The excitement of any time spent together sends you into a whirlwind. The butterflies in your stomach when things don't seem to be going right. All the extra effort to look your best. All that emotional mushy gushy shit, that makes you ignore any and everything. It's when you're in LOVE.

Damn it, I'm there. And I know I should be the happiest girl in the world. But there is always something. That something that makes you second guess your instincts. That something that gives you pause. It's that something that eats away at your heart, when not paying attention. That something that you just don't understand. And I can't put my finger on it, but it's something. And I try so hard to resist it, because I'm so happy in love...but damn it...it's something.

That something, it lingers, it may only linger in my alone and quiet moments but that something is always there. It creeps up in forms of insecurities and inability to trust. It's the doubt and misconceptions. The lies and baggage of the past. The damage and hurt of failed expectations. That something floats above me like a rain cloud and I never have an umbrella. I wish that something feeling would just go away or I could ignore it better. I want the love to be stronger than the somethings that make me weak. I want to be in love without the that something.