Emotional Breakdown

There is always that one person that knows how to push your buttons...they know what to do or what to say and how to say it, to send you there. It can be the smallest of things...tone, demeanor, what was said or done, or a combination of them all. The pushing of buttons can creep up in a casual conversation or in the heat of an argument. And as the buttons are pushed, the words slowly send you into a frenzy. You begin to breath slowly, then faster. Your heart rate increases, your legs, foot or hand begins to bounce or tap. You close your eyes and try to hold it all in, but then you snap.

And the anger, rage and frustration ensues. The words start bolting out...they come quickly and uncontrollable. The words are harsh, mean, and not always meant but come out with such potency. All the built up emotions and thoughts of bullshit pierce the silence that has been kept for so long...screaming "Fuck You! Fuck this! Fuck us!"

And the pacing may begin, the packing up of belongings and the tears begin to flow... And you're was there... I was pushed there and I snapped!

I try very hard to shield my venerability, maintain control and protect my sanity and HEART. I love LOVE. I love to give and most definitely love to receive LOVE. I hate having to fight about it. I hate having to prove it and I hate that I keeping having to do both. I also have numerous other internal issues that I know I have to get through. And I think, if I could just conquer the love part, I'm confident the rest would just fall into place. It's really hard not having someone close to just talk and share shit with. But even more difficult to have to deal with all of it alone...all while pretending to always have it together.

And hence, is why I go to therapy...to help me keep all these things in check. I prefer my non-judgmental, non-condescending, sarcastic, nonthreatening and intimidating ear and shoulder. My Dr. doesn't push buttons, but turns knobs. I can say whatever, get it out in the open and analyze my mental state without fear and or rejection. My emotional breakdowns with my Dr. are breakthroughs and I generally feel better after each session. I can scream, cry and/or be happy about what we share and know that I can go back next week and he hasn't held it against me. (Yeah, I suppose because he's getting paid for it. But shit who else do I have?)

So, I had a breakthrough the other day, but not with my Dr. and because I didn't feel better after the session...it just seems like it was an emotional breakdown. :(

Valentines Day?!?!!?

So it's another Valentines Day. I've been conditioned to minimize the day by believing that 1 day isn't the day to go all out for the one you love. That love should be expressed and felt all through out the year. But I won't lie... I love flowers, I buy myself roses every week. I love candy/chocolate, I try to eat some everyday. Cards are thoughtful, teddy bears are cute. I love dressing up and going out out with my boo and then ending the night with that only special kinda dessert. So, why has that never happen? I've NEVER received flowers (ever, even for any other day. I've NEVER received a box of candy. I've never received a Vday card, and the ones you get from your classmates in elementary school doesn't count. And...EVERY SINGLE Valentines day, in my adult life...some bullshit has happened to me. I can't remember ONE special Vday...while I was married or since. And it SUCKS!!!! I hate Valentines day! I hate that I've conditioned to act as if I didn't like it. I hate that I've never had a valentine. Such a dumb ass holiday!!!!

And I don't get it, I know the importance and fundamentals that is needed in every great an healthy relationship...One would think, I should always have a valentine. Shit, I know how to have fun! I'm spontaneous, can be wild and crazy as needed and pretty open to what may come my way. Fun and laughter is important, it helps get through the rough stuff! And what else would we have when we grow old. And I know how to be and bring romance. I'm supportive, compassionate and all that other good stuff that's needed. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, WTF?!?!?! Why no valentine? Ever? and again Today.....

GRRRRR!!!!

Snowed in

The DMV (DC, Maryland and Virginia area) has received the most snow in record history. I've been snowed in for 2 weeks. The grocery store shelves are empty, the city shut down and the schools are closed. It's crazy, it was only 50+ inches.... I've been in much worse.

Jokes have hit the news about the number of births that will occur in November, because of all the sex everyone must have been having. Gym memberships have increased because of all the weight some may have gained during the shut in. Some may have even taken advantage of the much needed family time...

I benefited from the latter. My children I and laughed, chatted and had a good time.
I love my children and wouldn't have traded that time. But, why do I still feel incomplete? Something still was missing. And then I thought...I slept alone every night. Got no good snowed in sex.

BRRRRR, so cold in here.

Out of the Blue AGAIN!!!!!

And like clock work... My boo is outta town, hmmph but we're not talking.........

The want and need for some form of communication drives me crazy. I hate when we don't communicate at all. My mind only wonders to what he is doing in my absence. I anger feeling that he can so easily dismiss me. Then I remember what he says often, "Do you, be happy, and have fun" when he is away. But I know he doesn't really mean it. I fight with my inner bad girl that says, let's go out...but I don't.

Then, out of the blue...the chime of my cell phone. I get excited thinking it's him-my boo. But NO, it's...The one, that could and use to make me weak in the knees. AGAIN. How the hell does he do that? How does he know when I may be slightly vulnerable? How does he know when I need attention and communication? How does he just pop up out of the blue. With a text... "thinkn bout u"

Knowing I should ignore his text like usual and I shouldn't even entertain his bs...but because I wanted the attention and craved the communication, I respond, "wow! hey stranger. long time no chat. u must be in town?!

"no, not in town. u were just on my mind. lets go to sb."

I was very happy to know he wasn't in town, this would make the texting easy. But he knew I had no idea what sb was and this would allow our conversation to linger. So I take the bait and ask. "What's sb? & Y do u want me 2 go? What and where ever sb is...take ur grlfren."

"sb, Superbowl silly. We have good memories in MIA."

"LOL"

I don't know what Miami trip he was referring to, but we did NOT have a good trip, or have good memories and I hated that he joked about a wasted good trip...

"u must have the wrong grl, we did not have fun- we fought the whole time there. REMEMBER?!"

"yeah maybe, but the sex was good." And there in lies the REAL reason for the text...the sex. I was so annoyed that he wasn't just texting to say what's up. And though a trip to the Super Bowl would be really fun...I woke up out my silly need for attention and gathered my composure...happy that he still had NO effect on me and responded...

"dude, wud luv 2 be in the MIA rite now, but not w/ u. that's not 4 us anymore...it was nice chat'n w/ ya" and sent him back into the blue.

(he responded but I ignored the rest of the text)

Falling OUT of Love

It takes a second to fall in love and about 1 minute to fall out of love...it's alittle longer because we second guess ourselves so much.

I love him, I love him not...

I fell in love and I fell in love hard. I was ready and willing to give and do anything for him. He had/has no idea how much I loved and love him. I just wanted to be with him, be the best for him and he just didn't get it. I shared my most inner me with him and he didn't know it. I was at my best with him and he didn't know it. It hurts that I lost me in him....

As time went on...he broke me down, wore me out and I slowly was no longer me. I realized that I loved him more than I loved myself...

But something happen...as he played me, played with my emotions...had his flings-his fucks-his relationships...as he guilted me into my minor indiscretions and accused me of being who I'm not...I slowly began to fall... And as he continues to do him...I continue to fall.

As he continues to play me, play with my emotions and have his flings and his fucks and maintains his relationships...pursues his nothing arguments... I slowly fall out of love with him....

So, why does he continue to play with my emotions. Doubt my devotion and loyalty...as he does I stifle who I really am for him.

Does he know? Does he care? That he is pushing me off the ledge???

I fight it, he pulls me back in. He shows me who I feel in love with in seconds.Then he sends me there, I hate it...but I know I'm slowly falling outta love with him.

Long Distant Relationship(s)

After my ex husband and I graduated from High School, we both headed to colleges in different states. He headed to Houston Texas and I to Washington DC. Our freshman year we saw each other a total of 3 times (once during homecoming-October, again during the Holiday break-December, and again in the Spring-March) So our phone bills were ridiculous-there were no cell phones then (to text) or e-mail. We did the long distant thing off and on for over 6 years.

During those years he did his thing, and boy did he. While on my side of the U.S. I went to school (full time), worked (full time) and took care of the kids. I had my eye on the prize...to finish school and do the family thing-be a good mom and eventually wife.

Yeah, fast forward present day... I'm in another semi-long distant relationship. Semi because we actually live in the same state, but he rolls out for like 2 weeks every month. Anyway, I'm struggling. Struggling because I don't want to do this bullshit again!!!! Long distant relationships = he gets to do him, while I be good because I'm suppose to. Long distant relationships=trust issues multiplied times 10 and the need for the best communication, love would have to offer...WE struggle with both. GRRRRRR!

Oh yeah and he needs to go to SEX ADDICTS ANONYMOUS and I suppose I need to go to ATTENTION DEFICIT ANONYMOUS. We have our issues...But which is worse though? That he can't be exclusive and keep his dick to himself? Or that I just want to know I'm loved, cherished and adored? That a few calls, some text messages and or e-mails can and will keep me happy and afloat until I see him in a few weeks? I know I can contain myself and wait until he's back in town but his ass can't! And I don't think he he even knows how... And honestly, I think his inability to be exclusive and just be with me under the circumstances is just silly. But is it really too much to ask?

Long distant relationships= heart ache! Long distant relationships= THIS SHIT IS HARD!!! Guess, I haven't learned my lesson...

Date nite (the kids version)

LMAO....

Ok so, I purchased all my goodies (strawberries, chocolate, KY, massage oil, whip cream etc.) from the Safeway and added a few other household items during this shopping trip. I picked my son up as I usually do and headed home. Getting out of the truck, as he is suppose to do, he grabs all of the bags out of the truck.

I run into the house (with a mission on my mind) make sure things are in order and proceed back outside. I change into my little to nothing outfit, fix my hair and make-up (all in the truck) and proceed to my boo's house.

I get to his house and begin to gather all the goodies...naked outfit (check), food, with dessert (check), wine (check), bag of groceries...NOT THERE!!!!! SHIT!!!!! My son must've grabbed that bag too...

I call my son...
"Hey, did you take all the bags into the house?"
"Yes, mame."
"Damn it, OK"
"I'm sorry mommy, did I do something wrong?"
"No!"
I hang up the phone and head back to my house.....

Upon entering the house, I now have to button all the buttons on my simple "little" coat and tie it-I have on little to no clothes underneath. LOL. I enter the house...

My son yells....

"All I'm gonna say is, THAT'S NASTY!!! All those things in that bag together...just nasty!" He then begins coming down the stairs.
"And didn't you have on jeans a few minutes ago?" With a VERY puzzled look on his face...LOL
My only response, "Mind your damn business!!!"

And I run outta the house.

All I can think and say is....TOO FUNNY!!!!