AAAARRRGHGHHHHHH, SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING!!!!! I HATE FIGHTING WITH MY BOO!!!!!! WHY THE CONSTANT FIGHT? WHY THE PUSH AND THE PROVOKING? WHY THE WANT OR NEED ME TO HAVE DRAMA? I DON'T WANT OR NEED FUCKING DRAMA. MY LIFE IS WAY TOO VOLATILE, WITHOUT ADDING DRAMA. I LOVE HIS ASS I SWEAR I DO!!! BUT WE ARE REALLY OFF. IT HAS US SO FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW...THAT I DON'T THINK HE'S GONNA MAKE LOVE TO ME WHEN HE GETS BACK INTO TOWN. I'M FEENING SOOOO BAD AND JUST WANT TO BE IN HIS ARMS AND BED. MAD BUT NOT MAD AT THE DICK...
MAYBE, THAT'S WHY I AM, AND GET SO ANNOYED, EASILY PROVOKED....I'M SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED!!! *There is documented research, stating that the lack of sex can have a devastating effect on your emotional and mental state...effects can include but are not limited to, irritability, angry outburst, insecurity, sadness, and withdrawal (sometimes also associated with depression). such effects can lead to uncharacteristic dreams, negative thoughts (and feeling or finding fault with your significant other), separation and possible break-ups* Yep, (I really read numerous articles and watched 2 videos about it) and there in lies MY problem!!!!I TRY TO KEEP IT COOL BUT THEN SNAP. I'M DEFINITELY IN THE IRRITABLE AND ANGRY OUTBURST STAGE.
HMMMM, SO WHAT'S UP WITH HIM???? WHY IS HE SO ANGRY? SHIT WE HAVE ALL THE SPACE IN THE WORLD (ESPECIALLY, SINCE HE'S THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY AND HAS BEEN FOR THE PAST 3 WEEKS). SO, I GUESS, HE'S AT THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND FINDING FAULT STAGE)...I KNOW WE CAN'T ALWAYS BE HAPPY, A FEW FIGHTS HERE AND THERE MAKE SENSE. BUT WHAT ARE WE EVEN FIGHTING ABOUT, IS MY QUESTION?!?!?!?!? I KNOW THERE IS A LOT OF STRESS GOING AROUND, BUT YOU KNOW THEY SAY...SEX CAN DEFINITELY HELP MINIMIZE STRESS!!! SO, I GUESS IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE TIMES :?
ANYWAY....I HATE THAT WE FIGHT. I MISS HIM AND JUST WANT HIM TO COME HOME. THEN WE CAN HAVE MAKE UP SEX :)
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
A mouse?
The other day I found a dead mouse in my garage. Surely a little field mouse that got in and couldn't get out. I had to shake the hebbie jebbies off and put my big girl panties on...scoop it up and throw it out. I needed to get poison and traps to prevent future sightings. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But with this circumstance, made me remember another situation. And thinking back, I don't know what I was thinking....
After some good days of time spent, a night of awesome love making. My boo and I laid in bed, basking and spooning each other. His phone begins to ring. Not texts, not e-mails, but ringing...over and over and over... Who would or could be calling him at 2am? He ignored the first 3 or 4, but then decided to answer after the calls wouldn't stop coming. He took the call and returned to bed. He returned different-unsettled, perturbed and distant. So of course I ask, What's up? He initially didn't seem to want to talk about it, but knew I wouldn't let it go... Long story short...his other chic had a mouse in her room and didn't want to stay in her apartment/room what ever?!?!?! And she wanted to go to his house. I guess they had some discussion and she was upset that I was there. She also seemed persistent as well as aggressive and was going to his house regardless. He expressed not wanting drama but didn't know how to resolve the problem. I decided to just leave. No drama, no questions asked. I left. We never discussed the situation again.
WTF?!?!?!? What the fuck??? I'm/I was his main chic! Who the fuck was this bitch? Why was she a priority? Why didn't he put her in her place? Why did he put ME in that situation? Why didn't he protect me? Why did I leave? Why did I not ask for an explanation? What kind of shit is/was that? Even better question...What the fuck was I thinking?!?!?
I was like a timid fucking mouse, that got scooped up and thrown out....
After some good days of time spent, a night of awesome love making. My boo and I laid in bed, basking and spooning each other. His phone begins to ring. Not texts, not e-mails, but ringing...over and over and over... Who would or could be calling him at 2am? He ignored the first 3 or 4, but then decided to answer after the calls wouldn't stop coming. He took the call and returned to bed. He returned different-unsettled, perturbed and distant. So of course I ask, What's up? He initially didn't seem to want to talk about it, but knew I wouldn't let it go... Long story short...his other chic had a mouse in her room and didn't want to stay in her apartment/room what ever?!?!?! And she wanted to go to his house. I guess they had some discussion and she was upset that I was there. She also seemed persistent as well as aggressive and was going to his house regardless. He expressed not wanting drama but didn't know how to resolve the problem. I decided to just leave. No drama, no questions asked. I left. We never discussed the situation again.
WTF?!?!?!? What the fuck??? I'm/I was his main chic! Who the fuck was this bitch? Why was she a priority? Why didn't he put her in her place? Why did he put ME in that situation? Why didn't he protect me? Why did I leave? Why did I not ask for an explanation? What kind of shit is/was that? Even better question...What the fuck was I thinking?!?!?
I was like a timid fucking mouse, that got scooped up and thrown out....
Monday, March 1, 2010
I Miss Us!!!
When we first met, we seemed inseparable. We had so much fun...he made me so happy. He's tall dark and handsome (just like I like 'em), he's kind, smart, confident, compassionate and all that good stuff we like. He was my Knight in Shinning armor, my Tarzan, my prince Charming...he was just mine. We laughed, we danced (well I did, cause he really can't-but is sooo cute when he does), we traveled, we hung out, we did nothing, we did everything. He introduced me to golf (for real), he made me love modeling again, he gave me flight, (in a single engine plane) he introduced me to sexual liberation, he gave me romance, he gave me lopsided gravity, fresh blueberry pancakes...he gave me LOVE and he gave me joy!!!
After a while things changed. I'm sure it was the news about the permanency of her and what it really meant. I was truly hurt and maybe never really recovered. But I wanted to fight for us and make it work...I wanted it to last, he was my life partner. I didn't want to give up. But throughout the relationship there were also many blowers! There were lies, deception, dishonesty and plain hurtful occasions. Committed on both of our parts. I wish I could do it all again.... I wish I could take all my lies, deception and dishonesty back. I wish I could've been more transparent about so many things...my needs, wants and desires. I would think things could've and would've been different.
The arguments got worse and worse. The inability to talk, paralyzed us. And it's so hard to let go when you want to hold on so bad. And so hard to hold on when you may just need to let go....I've never been one to give up easily, and didn't plan to give up at any point. But then, I started to feel like I was fighting for us, by myself. Things had changed. We had changed. Our love changed.
Not sure if I can ever get us back... but I miss us!!!!
After a while things changed. I'm sure it was the news about the permanency of her and what it really meant. I was truly hurt and maybe never really recovered. But I wanted to fight for us and make it work...I wanted it to last, he was my life partner. I didn't want to give up. But throughout the relationship there were also many blowers! There were lies, deception, dishonesty and plain hurtful occasions. Committed on both of our parts. I wish I could do it all again.... I wish I could take all my lies, deception and dishonesty back. I wish I could've been more transparent about so many things...my needs, wants and desires. I would think things could've and would've been different.
The arguments got worse and worse. The inability to talk, paralyzed us. And it's so hard to let go when you want to hold on so bad. And so hard to hold on when you may just need to let go....I've never been one to give up easily, and didn't plan to give up at any point. But then, I started to feel like I was fighting for us, by myself. Things had changed. We had changed. Our love changed.
Not sure if I can ever get us back... but I miss us!!!!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
His Wedding...who knew?!
We had known each other for a few months. I really liked him. NO, I REALLY LIKED him. He was exactly what I wanted, he was exactly what I needed. He treated me like a queen. He made me laugh, he made me happy...This was my new best thing. He had the look, he had the talk, he had swag, he had the goods and he had me wide open...
We laughed, we talked about everything, we were together all the time-he hung out, we traveled, we made love, we were happy, we were a couple.
So...LONG story SHORT!!!!
One weekend, one of his really good friends came into town. That Friday...my girl, me, his boy and him all hung out. We had a good time. They went to a poker party later that night. The next day, his boy my girl and I grabbed lunch. During lunch, his boy mentioned that he was going to a wedding. My girl volunteered to be his date. He declined her invitation and we thought nothing else about it. For the rest of the weekend, my girl and I figured they were male bonding... His boy, then vanished back into the mist.
A few days later, my baby decided to take a trip to St. Thomas. He invited me and I joined him a few days later. We had an amazing trip. Like many of our others, but more special.
Weeks and months went by and I couldn't have been happier...
UNTIL!!!! We went on another trip and I got a rude awakening...he decided to tell me he was married and that he had been married the entire time we had been together.
Yeah, so...
That weekend that his boy came into town and they went to the poker party!?
That was his bachelor party!
AND
That trip to St. Thomas?!
That was his honeymoon!?!? (He sent her home and had me join him?!?!)WTF
AND
That wedding that his friend mentioned he was going to?!
That was HIS wedding..who knew?!
We laughed, we talked about everything, we were together all the time-he hung out, we traveled, we made love, we were happy, we were a couple.
So...LONG story SHORT!!!!
One weekend, one of his really good friends came into town. That Friday...my girl, me, his boy and him all hung out. We had a good time. They went to a poker party later that night. The next day, his boy my girl and I grabbed lunch. During lunch, his boy mentioned that he was going to a wedding. My girl volunteered to be his date. He declined her invitation and we thought nothing else about it. For the rest of the weekend, my girl and I figured they were male bonding... His boy, then vanished back into the mist.
A few days later, my baby decided to take a trip to St. Thomas. He invited me and I joined him a few days later. We had an amazing trip. Like many of our others, but more special.
Weeks and months went by and I couldn't have been happier...
UNTIL!!!! We went on another trip and I got a rude awakening...he decided to tell me he was married and that he had been married the entire time we had been together.
Yeah, so...
That weekend that his boy came into town and they went to the poker party!?
That was his bachelor party!
AND
That trip to St. Thomas?!
That was his honeymoon!?!? (He sent her home and had me join him?!?!)WTF
AND
That wedding that his friend mentioned he was going to?!
That was HIS wedding..who knew?!
His Wedding
When I was 13, I met the sweetest guy. He was kind, fun, smart, and funny. He treated me great and I was happy. We hung out as often as possible and he eventually became one of my best friends. I met and loved his family and he mine. This went on for almost 3 years, till I learned he really liked me. More than liked me, he loved me. He wanted to be more than friends and talked about the future. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I hated that he wanted to change our friendship into something more. I liked how we were. I was good. But, after lots of thought...I figured it may not be so bad, we became a couple.
We had a great summer and then he went away to college. The relationship lasted no time. We broke up but remained really good friends. He was a friend and supportive throughout my 1st pregnancy (he took me to a couple of OB appointments). I was a friend and supported him through an ugly custody battle with his 1st sons mother. And though he didn't like it, he supported me through my many ill fated decisions about my ex-husband.
We maintained a friendship for many years. After my divorce he shared that he loved and was still in love with me. I was taken aback by this proclamation...he had since became involved with a young lady, had another baby, was co-habitating and was planning to marry her. He said he would throw it all away if I would just say the word, WOW!!! (that was 5 years ago)... I took a step back and decided that our friendship was not healthy for him and his relationship. I stopped all communication... I missed my friend but knew it was for the best.
So, the other day...I got an invitation to his wedding.
I won't be going...
We had a great summer and then he went away to college. The relationship lasted no time. We broke up but remained really good friends. He was a friend and supportive throughout my 1st pregnancy (he took me to a couple of OB appointments). I was a friend and supported him through an ugly custody battle with his 1st sons mother. And though he didn't like it, he supported me through my many ill fated decisions about my ex-husband.
We maintained a friendship for many years. After my divorce he shared that he loved and was still in love with me. I was taken aback by this proclamation...he had since became involved with a young lady, had another baby, was co-habitating and was planning to marry her. He said he would throw it all away if I would just say the word, WOW!!! (that was 5 years ago)... I took a step back and decided that our friendship was not healthy for him and his relationship. I stopped all communication... I missed my friend but knew it was for the best.
So, the other day...I got an invitation to his wedding.
I won't be going...
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Emotional Breakdown
There is always that one person that knows how to push your buttons...they know what to do or what to say and how to say it, to send you there. It can be the smallest of things...tone, demeanor, what was said or done, or a combination of them all. The pushing of buttons can creep up in a casual conversation or in the heat of an argument. And as the buttons are pushed, the words slowly send you into a frenzy. You begin to breath slowly, then faster. Your heart rate increases, your legs, foot or hand begins to bounce or tap. You close your eyes and try to hold it all in, but then you snap.
And the anger, rage and frustration ensues. The words start bolting out...they come quickly and uncontrollable. The words are harsh, mean, and not always meant but come out with such potency. All the built up emotions and thoughts of bullshit pierce the silence that has been kept for so long...screaming "Fuck You! Fuck this! Fuck us!"
And the pacing may begin, the packing up of belongings and the tears begin to flow... And you're was there... I was pushed there and I snapped!
I try very hard to shield my venerability, maintain control and protect my sanity and HEART. I love LOVE. I love to give and most definitely love to receive LOVE. I hate having to fight about it. I hate having to prove it and I hate that I keeping having to do both. I also have numerous other internal issues that I know I have to get through. And I think, if I could just conquer the love part, I'm confident the rest would just fall into place. It's really hard not having someone close to just talk and share shit with. But even more difficult to have to deal with all of it alone...all while pretending to always have it together.
And hence, is why I go to therapy...to help me keep all these things in check. I prefer my non-judgmental, non-condescending, sarcastic, nonthreatening and intimidating ear and shoulder. My Dr. doesn't push buttons, but turns knobs. I can say whatever, get it out in the open and analyze my mental state without fear and or rejection. My emotional breakdowns with my Dr. are breakthroughs and I generally feel better after each session. I can scream, cry and/or be happy about what we share and know that I can go back next week and he hasn't held it against me. (Yeah, I suppose because he's getting paid for it. But shit who else do I have?)
So, I had a breakthrough the other day, but not with my Dr. and because I didn't feel better after the session...it just seems like it was an emotional breakdown. :(
And the anger, rage and frustration ensues. The words start bolting out...they come quickly and uncontrollable. The words are harsh, mean, and not always meant but come out with such potency. All the built up emotions and thoughts of bullshit pierce the silence that has been kept for so long...screaming "Fuck You! Fuck this! Fuck us!"
And the pacing may begin, the packing up of belongings and the tears begin to flow... And you're was there... I was pushed there and I snapped!
I try very hard to shield my venerability, maintain control and protect my sanity and HEART. I love LOVE. I love to give and most definitely love to receive LOVE. I hate having to fight about it. I hate having to prove it and I hate that I keeping having to do both. I also have numerous other internal issues that I know I have to get through. And I think, if I could just conquer the love part, I'm confident the rest would just fall into place. It's really hard not having someone close to just talk and share shit with. But even more difficult to have to deal with all of it alone...all while pretending to always have it together.
And hence, is why I go to therapy...to help me keep all these things in check. I prefer my non-judgmental, non-condescending, sarcastic, nonthreatening and intimidating ear and shoulder. My Dr. doesn't push buttons, but turns knobs. I can say whatever, get it out in the open and analyze my mental state without fear and or rejection. My emotional breakdowns with my Dr. are breakthroughs and I generally feel better after each session. I can scream, cry and/or be happy about what we share and know that I can go back next week and he hasn't held it against me. (Yeah, I suppose because he's getting paid for it. But shit who else do I have?)
So, I had a breakthrough the other day, but not with my Dr. and because I didn't feel better after the session...it just seems like it was an emotional breakdown. :(
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)