Going out

WOW!!!! So, I haven't been out alone, on purpose by myself in soooo long.... I coordinated a friends birthday party and had to attend. So... I stood in line...What the hell? I haven't stood in a line in years!!! And then, had to pay a cover. A cover, what the hell is a cover? I haven't had to pay one of those in years as well. Guess my ass has just been spoiled...

After getting in, I was there for about 5 minutes...and I was ready to go!!!! But, I overcame...because I'm a good friend and hung for as long as I could! I said to myself, "I will leave at 11:30" and I laughed out loud at that, because who says, I'll leave at 11:30? Moreover, who the hell leaves at 11:30?

But, I endured... I waited in line, I paid a bullshit ass cover and went to the VIP section where the b-day party commenced... I bought myself and the birthday boy a drink and sipped for 1 and half hours... Yes, I drank ONE drink!!! LOL I was really ready to go!!! The men were wack! conversatio9ns boring! the music was only OK, the drinks were weak, the food was over priced and bland and I just wanted to be in my bed... I texted my daughter the duration of the time. And I thought of my baby, who I'm sure wasn't thinking of me.... I paid my tab and rolled the hell out! And now... I'm home at 12:02am on a Friday night/Saturday morning blogging...WTF?!?! so much for going out....

Texts Messages

I read his text messages. Ever single one. I hate that I did, because when you look you will definitely find something...I didn't want to know the truth. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

He would text when we were together... "thinking of u", "wish u were here", "where u @?", "what's up w/ u later" etc. Oh, and then there were the good old sexts...they were all pretty explicit and detailed... Why? Was he really thinking of them? Or was it just a game? Did he really wish she was there? Or was it just about getting his dick sucked?

I mean he wouldn't even lie about where he was or what he was doing, just that he wasn't with me. I was so stupid, to think it was just me. And reading them made me feel even more stupid. The missing times, dates, and places began to fall into place. The supposed meetings turned into sexapades and conference calls tuned into phone sex. I was none the wiser.

The model, the bartender, the Ethiopian, the dancer/yoga instructor, the purse designer/hospital supervisor, the one who loved to give head, the one who loved it in her ass... And so many more...wish I would've read the text messages ALOT sooner!!!!

The usual topic

I had the opportunity of meeting 2 lovely young ladies. Only after a few hours, we were talking like we had been friends for years. And the usual subject matter...MEN.

*Insecurity vs. Woman's intuition, *Marriage, *Should I stay or should I go?, *I know he's cheating/Well I think he's cheating, *Baby daddies, and *Facebook LOL

We lost track of time just bantering about it all. No matter the circumstance...single, attached, co-habitants, dating, engaged, married, divorced, separated, about to break-up, we all have our own perspective of the male counter part. We've all had 1 or 20 experiences with men. Relationships with men can prove to be one of the most difficult things many of us do. And we are always questioning what it is that we are doing or should be doing in the relationship. We question our feelings, thoughts, philosophies, actions and we doubt our intuitions. We push away our families and friends, we become someone else.

At the end of the day...there are so many really good woman out there that just want to give love and be loved. And so many woman just want to be in good relationships. I don't know why it's so difficult. Or why men seem to be the common factor of the difficulty. And maybe I'm bot being fair by blaming men...BUT, statistics and research and rates all seem to show that there is a deficiency in the male make up (for relationships)...May they be gay, incarcerated, liars, pathological cheaters, sexually addicted, demanding egotistical misogynistic assholes, or just the inability to commit. Women will continue to question men and our relationships with them.

I enjoyed our talk and will definitely talk with them again and will also begin more dialogue with women about our take on men on earth but from Mars!!!

DAMAGED!!!

Have you ever been in love? NO, REAL inside and out feel good, in love. The sun rises on the cloudiest of days, in love. The happiest of times of your life can never be forgotten, in love. Yeah...that kind of love.

I now know what love is and what in love really means and how it feels. While I endured the fantasy of love and being in love with my ex husband. I know that in love was never what I really felt with him. However, I was a great wife and remain an amazing woman. I gave him love and did provide unconditional love.

After my ex, I found love. And in love!!! I knew it and felt in my bones!!! BUT that too has has left a sour taste in my mouth...Love has left me disappointed because the TRUTH is what has really broke my heart.

With a broken heart, I will NEVER love again. I will NEVER give my love or heart to another man. I refuse to be hurt again. I am DAMAGED!

WhY DO we FiGhT...

AAAARRRGHGHHHHHH, SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING!!!!! I HATE FIGHTING WITH MY BOO!!!!!! WHY THE CONSTANT FIGHT? WHY THE PUSH AND THE PROVOKING? WHY THE WANT OR NEED ME TO HAVE DRAMA? I DON'T WANT OR NEED FUCKING DRAMA. MY LIFE IS WAY TOO VOLATILE, WITHOUT ADDING DRAMA. I LOVE HIS ASS I SWEAR I DO!!! BUT WE ARE REALLY OFF. IT HAS US SO FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW...THAT I DON'T THINK HE'S GONNA MAKE LOVE TO ME WHEN HE GETS BACK INTO TOWN. I'M FEENING SOOOO BAD AND JUST WANT TO BE IN HIS ARMS AND BED. MAD BUT NOT MAD AT THE DICK...

MAYBE, THAT'S WHY I AM, AND GET SO ANNOYED, EASILY PROVOKED....I'M SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED!!! *There is documented research, stating that the lack of sex can have a devastating effect on your emotional and mental state...effects can include but are not limited to, irritability, angry outburst, insecurity, sadness, and withdrawal (sometimes also associated with depression). such effects can lead to uncharacteristic dreams, negative thoughts (and feeling or finding fault with your significant other), separation and possible break-ups* Yep, (I really read numerous articles and watched 2 videos about it) and there in lies MY problem!!!!I TRY TO KEEP IT COOL BUT THEN SNAP. I'M DEFINITELY IN THE IRRITABLE AND ANGRY OUTBURST STAGE.

HMMMM, SO WHAT'S UP WITH HIM???? WHY IS HE SO ANGRY? SHIT WE HAVE ALL THE SPACE IN THE WORLD (ESPECIALLY, SINCE HE'S THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY AND HAS BEEN FOR THE PAST 3 WEEKS). SO, I GUESS, HE'S AT THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND FINDING FAULT STAGE)...I KNOW WE CAN'T ALWAYS BE HAPPY, A FEW FIGHTS HERE AND THERE MAKE SENSE. BUT WHAT ARE WE EVEN FIGHTING ABOUT, IS MY QUESTION?!?!?!?!? I KNOW THERE IS A LOT OF STRESS GOING AROUND, BUT YOU KNOW THEY SAY...SEX CAN DEFINITELY HELP MINIMIZE STRESS!!! SO, I GUESS IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE TIMES :?

ANYWAY....I HATE THAT WE FIGHT. I MISS HIM AND JUST WANT HIM TO COME HOME. THEN WE CAN HAVE MAKE UP SEX :)

A mouse?

The other day I found a dead mouse in my garage. Surely a little field mouse that got in and couldn't get out. I had to shake the hebbie jebbies off and put my big girl panties on...scoop it up and throw it out. I needed to get poison and traps to prevent future sightings. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But with this circumstance, made me remember another situation. And thinking back, I don't know what I was thinking....

After some good days of time spent, a night of awesome love making. My boo and I laid in bed, basking and spooning each other. His phone begins to ring. Not texts, not e-mails, but ringing...over and over and over... Who would or could be calling him at 2am? He ignored the first 3 or 4, but then decided to answer after the calls wouldn't stop coming. He took the call and returned to bed. He returned different-unsettled, perturbed and distant. So of course I ask, What's up? He initially didn't seem to want to talk about it, but knew I wouldn't let it go... Long story short...his other chic had a mouse in her room and didn't want to stay in her apartment/room what ever?!?!?! And she wanted to go to his house. I guess they had some discussion and she was upset that I was there. She also seemed persistent as well as aggressive and was going to his house regardless. He expressed not wanting drama but didn't know how to resolve the problem. I decided to just leave. No drama, no questions asked. I left. We never discussed the situation again.

WTF?!?!?!? What the fuck??? I'm/I was his main chic! Who the fuck was this bitch? Why was she a priority? Why didn't he put her in her place? Why did he put ME in that situation? Why didn't he protect me? Why did I leave? Why did I not ask for an explanation? What kind of shit is/was that? Even better question...What the fuck was I thinking?!?!?

I was like a timid fucking mouse, that got scooped up and thrown out....

I Miss Us!!!

When we first met, we seemed inseparable. We had so much fun...he made me so happy. He's tall dark and handsome (just like I like 'em), he's kind, smart, confident, compassionate and all that good stuff we like. He was my Knight in Shinning armor, my Tarzan, my prince Charming...he was just mine. We laughed, we danced (well I did, cause he really can't-but is sooo cute when he does), we traveled, we hung out, we did nothing, we did everything. He introduced me to golf (for real), he made me love modeling again, he gave me flight, (in a single engine plane) he introduced me to sexual liberation, he gave me romance, he gave me lopsided gravity, fresh blueberry pancakes...he gave me LOVE and he gave me joy!!!

After a while things changed. I'm sure it was the news about the permanency of her and what it really meant. I was truly hurt and maybe never really recovered. But I wanted to fight for us and make it work...I wanted it to last, he was my life partner. I didn't want to give up. But throughout the relationship there were also many blowers! There were lies, deception, dishonesty and plain hurtful occasions. Committed on both of our parts. I wish I could do it all again.... I wish I could take all my lies, deception and dishonesty back. I wish I could've been more transparent about so many things...my needs, wants and desires. I would think things could've and would've been different.

The arguments got worse and worse. The inability to talk, paralyzed us. And it's so hard to let go when you want to hold on so bad. And so hard to hold on when you may just need to let go....I've never been one to give up easily, and didn't plan to give up at any point. But then, I started to feel like I was fighting for us, by myself. Things had changed. We had changed. Our love changed.

Not sure if I can ever get us back... but I miss us!!!!