When we first met, we seemed inseparable. We had so much fun...he made me so happy. He's tall dark and handsome (just like I like 'em), he's kind, smart, confident, compassionate and all that good stuff we like. He was my Knight in Shinning armor, my Tarzan, my prince Charming...he was just mine. We laughed, we danced (well I did, cause he really can't-but is sooo cute when he does), we traveled, we hung out, we did nothing, we did everything. He introduced me to golf (for real), he made me love modeling again, he gave me flight, (in a single engine plane) he introduced me to sexual liberation, he gave me romance, he gave me lopsided gravity, fresh blueberry pancakes...he gave me LOVE and he gave me joy!!!
After a while things changed. I'm sure it was the news about the permanency of her and what it really meant. I was truly hurt and maybe never really recovered. But I wanted to fight for us and make it work...I wanted it to last, he was my life partner. I didn't want to give up. But throughout the relationship there were also many blowers! There were lies, deception, dishonesty and plain hurtful occasions. Committed on both of our parts. I wish I could do it all again.... I wish I could take all my lies, deception and dishonesty back. I wish I could've been more transparent about so many things...my needs, wants and desires. I would think things could've and would've been different.
The arguments got worse and worse. The inability to talk, paralyzed us. And it's so hard to let go when you want to hold on so bad. And so hard to hold on when you may just need to let go....I've never been one to give up easily, and didn't plan to give up at any point. But then, I started to feel like I was fighting for us, by myself. Things had changed. We had changed. Our love changed.
Not sure if I can ever get us back... but I miss us!!!!
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
His Wedding...who knew?!
We had known each other for a few months. I really liked him. NO, I REALLY LIKED him. He was exactly what I wanted, he was exactly what I needed. He treated me like a queen. He made me laugh, he made me happy...This was my new best thing. He had the look, he had the talk, he had swag, he had the goods and he had me wide open...
We laughed, we talked about everything, we were together all the time-he hung out, we traveled, we made love, we were happy, we were a couple.
So...LONG story SHORT!!!!
One weekend, one of his really good friends came into town. That Friday...my girl, me, his boy and him all hung out. We had a good time. They went to a poker party later that night. The next day, his boy my girl and I grabbed lunch. During lunch, his boy mentioned that he was going to a wedding. My girl volunteered to be his date. He declined her invitation and we thought nothing else about it. For the rest of the weekend, my girl and I figured they were male bonding... His boy, then vanished back into the mist.
A few days later, my baby decided to take a trip to St. Thomas. He invited me and I joined him a few days later. We had an amazing trip. Like many of our others, but more special.
Weeks and months went by and I couldn't have been happier...
UNTIL!!!! We went on another trip and I got a rude awakening...he decided to tell me he was married and that he had been married the entire time we had been together.
Yeah, so...
That weekend that his boy came into town and they went to the poker party!?
That was his bachelor party!
AND
That trip to St. Thomas?!
That was his honeymoon!?!? (He sent her home and had me join him?!?!)WTF
AND
That wedding that his friend mentioned he was going to?!
That was HIS wedding..who knew?!
We laughed, we talked about everything, we were together all the time-he hung out, we traveled, we made love, we were happy, we were a couple.
So...LONG story SHORT!!!!
One weekend, one of his really good friends came into town. That Friday...my girl, me, his boy and him all hung out. We had a good time. They went to a poker party later that night. The next day, his boy my girl and I grabbed lunch. During lunch, his boy mentioned that he was going to a wedding. My girl volunteered to be his date. He declined her invitation and we thought nothing else about it. For the rest of the weekend, my girl and I figured they were male bonding... His boy, then vanished back into the mist.
A few days later, my baby decided to take a trip to St. Thomas. He invited me and I joined him a few days later. We had an amazing trip. Like many of our others, but more special.
Weeks and months went by and I couldn't have been happier...
UNTIL!!!! We went on another trip and I got a rude awakening...he decided to tell me he was married and that he had been married the entire time we had been together.
Yeah, so...
That weekend that his boy came into town and they went to the poker party!?
That was his bachelor party!
AND
That trip to St. Thomas?!
That was his honeymoon!?!? (He sent her home and had me join him?!?!)WTF
AND
That wedding that his friend mentioned he was going to?!
That was HIS wedding..who knew?!
His Wedding
When I was 13, I met the sweetest guy. He was kind, fun, smart, and funny. He treated me great and I was happy. We hung out as often as possible and he eventually became one of my best friends. I met and loved his family and he mine. This went on for almost 3 years, till I learned he really liked me. More than liked me, he loved me. He wanted to be more than friends and talked about the future. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I hated that he wanted to change our friendship into something more. I liked how we were. I was good. But, after lots of thought...I figured it may not be so bad, we became a couple.
We had a great summer and then he went away to college. The relationship lasted no time. We broke up but remained really good friends. He was a friend and supportive throughout my 1st pregnancy (he took me to a couple of OB appointments). I was a friend and supported him through an ugly custody battle with his 1st sons mother. And though he didn't like it, he supported me through my many ill fated decisions about my ex-husband.
We maintained a friendship for many years. After my divorce he shared that he loved and was still in love with me. I was taken aback by this proclamation...he had since became involved with a young lady, had another baby, was co-habitating and was planning to marry her. He said he would throw it all away if I would just say the word, WOW!!! (that was 5 years ago)... I took a step back and decided that our friendship was not healthy for him and his relationship. I stopped all communication... I missed my friend but knew it was for the best.
So, the other day...I got an invitation to his wedding.
I won't be going...
We had a great summer and then he went away to college. The relationship lasted no time. We broke up but remained really good friends. He was a friend and supportive throughout my 1st pregnancy (he took me to a couple of OB appointments). I was a friend and supported him through an ugly custody battle with his 1st sons mother. And though he didn't like it, he supported me through my many ill fated decisions about my ex-husband.
We maintained a friendship for many years. After my divorce he shared that he loved and was still in love with me. I was taken aback by this proclamation...he had since became involved with a young lady, had another baby, was co-habitating and was planning to marry her. He said he would throw it all away if I would just say the word, WOW!!! (that was 5 years ago)... I took a step back and decided that our friendship was not healthy for him and his relationship. I stopped all communication... I missed my friend but knew it was for the best.
So, the other day...I got an invitation to his wedding.
I won't be going...
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Emotional Breakdown
There is always that one person that knows how to push your buttons...they know what to do or what to say and how to say it, to send you there. It can be the smallest of things...tone, demeanor, what was said or done, or a combination of them all. The pushing of buttons can creep up in a casual conversation or in the heat of an argument. And as the buttons are pushed, the words slowly send you into a frenzy. You begin to breath slowly, then faster. Your heart rate increases, your legs, foot or hand begins to bounce or tap. You close your eyes and try to hold it all in, but then you snap.
And the anger, rage and frustration ensues. The words start bolting out...they come quickly and uncontrollable. The words are harsh, mean, and not always meant but come out with such potency. All the built up emotions and thoughts of bullshit pierce the silence that has been kept for so long...screaming "Fuck You! Fuck this! Fuck us!"
And the pacing may begin, the packing up of belongings and the tears begin to flow... And you're was there... I was pushed there and I snapped!
I try very hard to shield my venerability, maintain control and protect my sanity and HEART. I love LOVE. I love to give and most definitely love to receive LOVE. I hate having to fight about it. I hate having to prove it and I hate that I keeping having to do both. I also have numerous other internal issues that I know I have to get through. And I think, if I could just conquer the love part, I'm confident the rest would just fall into place. It's really hard not having someone close to just talk and share shit with. But even more difficult to have to deal with all of it alone...all while pretending to always have it together.
And hence, is why I go to therapy...to help me keep all these things in check. I prefer my non-judgmental, non-condescending, sarcastic, nonthreatening and intimidating ear and shoulder. My Dr. doesn't push buttons, but turns knobs. I can say whatever, get it out in the open and analyze my mental state without fear and or rejection. My emotional breakdowns with my Dr. are breakthroughs and I generally feel better after each session. I can scream, cry and/or be happy about what we share and know that I can go back next week and he hasn't held it against me. (Yeah, I suppose because he's getting paid for it. But shit who else do I have?)
So, I had a breakthrough the other day, but not with my Dr. and because I didn't feel better after the session...it just seems like it was an emotional breakdown. :(
And the anger, rage and frustration ensues. The words start bolting out...they come quickly and uncontrollable. The words are harsh, mean, and not always meant but come out with such potency. All the built up emotions and thoughts of bullshit pierce the silence that has been kept for so long...screaming "Fuck You! Fuck this! Fuck us!"
And the pacing may begin, the packing up of belongings and the tears begin to flow... And you're was there... I was pushed there and I snapped!
I try very hard to shield my venerability, maintain control and protect my sanity and HEART. I love LOVE. I love to give and most definitely love to receive LOVE. I hate having to fight about it. I hate having to prove it and I hate that I keeping having to do both. I also have numerous other internal issues that I know I have to get through. And I think, if I could just conquer the love part, I'm confident the rest would just fall into place. It's really hard not having someone close to just talk and share shit with. But even more difficult to have to deal with all of it alone...all while pretending to always have it together.
And hence, is why I go to therapy...to help me keep all these things in check. I prefer my non-judgmental, non-condescending, sarcastic, nonthreatening and intimidating ear and shoulder. My Dr. doesn't push buttons, but turns knobs. I can say whatever, get it out in the open and analyze my mental state without fear and or rejection. My emotional breakdowns with my Dr. are breakthroughs and I generally feel better after each session. I can scream, cry and/or be happy about what we share and know that I can go back next week and he hasn't held it against me. (Yeah, I suppose because he's getting paid for it. But shit who else do I have?)
So, I had a breakthrough the other day, but not with my Dr. and because I didn't feel better after the session...it just seems like it was an emotional breakdown. :(
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Valentines Day?!?!!?
So it's another Valentines Day. I've been conditioned to minimize the day by believing that 1 day isn't the day to go all out for the one you love. That love should be expressed and felt all through out the year. But I won't lie... I love flowers, I buy myself roses every week. I love candy/chocolate, I try to eat some everyday. Cards are thoughtful, teddy bears are cute. I love dressing up and going out out with my boo and then ending the night with that only special kinda dessert. So, why has that never happen? I've NEVER received flowers (ever, even for any other day. I've NEVER received a box of candy. I've never received a Vday card, and the ones you get from your classmates in elementary school doesn't count. And...EVERY SINGLE Valentines day, in my adult life...some bullshit has happened to me. I can't remember ONE special Vday...while I was married or since. And it SUCKS!!!! I hate Valentines day! I hate that I've conditioned to act as if I didn't like it. I hate that I've never had a valentine. Such a dumb ass holiday!!!!
And I don't get it, I know the importance and fundamentals that is needed in every great an healthy relationship...One would think, I should always have a valentine. Shit, I know how to have fun! I'm spontaneous, can be wild and crazy as needed and pretty open to what may come my way. Fun and laughter is important, it helps get through the rough stuff! And what else would we have when we grow old. And I know how to be and bring romance. I'm supportive, compassionate and all that other good stuff that's needed. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, WTF?!?!?! Why no valentine? Ever? and again Today.....
GRRRRR!!!!
And I don't get it, I know the importance and fundamentals that is needed in every great an healthy relationship...One would think, I should always have a valentine. Shit, I know how to have fun! I'm spontaneous, can be wild and crazy as needed and pretty open to what may come my way. Fun and laughter is important, it helps get through the rough stuff! And what else would we have when we grow old. And I know how to be and bring romance. I'm supportive, compassionate and all that other good stuff that's needed. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, WTF?!?!?! Why no valentine? Ever? and again Today.....
GRRRRR!!!!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Snowed in
The DMV (DC, Maryland and Virginia area) has received the most snow in record history. I've been snowed in for 2 weeks. The grocery store shelves are empty, the city shut down and the schools are closed. It's crazy, it was only 50+ inches.... I've been in much worse.
Jokes have hit the news about the number of births that will occur in November, because of all the sex everyone must have been having. Gym memberships have increased because of all the weight some may have gained during the shut in. Some may have even taken advantage of the much needed family time...
I benefited from the latter. My children I and laughed, chatted and had a good time.
I love my children and wouldn't have traded that time. But, why do I still feel incomplete? Something still was missing. And then I thought...I slept alone every night. Got no good snowed in sex.
BRRRRR, so cold in here.
Jokes have hit the news about the number of births that will occur in November, because of all the sex everyone must have been having. Gym memberships have increased because of all the weight some may have gained during the shut in. Some may have even taken advantage of the much needed family time...
I benefited from the latter. My children I and laughed, chatted and had a good time.
I love my children and wouldn't have traded that time. But, why do I still feel incomplete? Something still was missing. And then I thought...I slept alone every night. Got no good snowed in sex.
BRRRRR, so cold in here.
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