Facebook F*CkS

If you went through your face book friends and counted...how many have you had sex with? What would that number look like? Do you still communicate with them? And Why? For future f*Cks? HMMMM. And do you send them b-day shout outs or respond to their status or comment on their photos? Do you send them the secret messages to their inbox? Why? What kind of friends are they really. Just thinking and asking. Assessing and reevaluating....Facebook Friends!?!?

Shit Happens

So, I've been away for a minute....haven't been really blogging. Haven't been on my facebook or even interested in e-mails. The last/latest blogs have been in draft form just waiting for me to push post....
So I pushed it. Nothing too great. I guess I'm kinda in a funk.

Unfortunately, the holidays sucked!!!! With way too much shit going on to name, talking or blogging about anything right now is the last of my interest....I just can't wait for 2009 to be OVER!!!! If my financial situation was better, my kids and I would've been on a beach somewhere. I figure they're too old to really believe in Santa. They get everything they want and need all year anyway. So why not spend all that money on a vacation! Then we can get away-assess, reevaluate and be better for the new year.

And yeah, I know Christmas is suppose to be about giving and celebrating the birth of christ, but I just wasn't in the spirit, mood or have the energy to do anything around christmas or the holidays. BAH Hum BUG!!! I hope and pray that 2010 is and will be better!!!

I've learned from my mistakes, went to thearpy enough to know that it's all my parents fault and I'm just crazy....LOL. I'm blessed to have great kids. The verdict is still out about true friends and what love is really about or will look like in my future. And love is so important in life...to love-give unconditionally and to be loved-with no judgements of who you are. But I have my health and happy to still have a roof over my head and food to eat. I just don't want NO MORE SHIT TO HAPPEN!!!!

All in 1 room...

OOOOOH My GEEEEEE,
So, last week was my daughters birthday. Because I'm an awesome party planner, she always has the best parties. This year was no exception. But her party isn't the issue of the blog today, it's who was at the party that I need to share......

I think I handled it well and everyone seemed to have been on their best behavior. But it was definitely tense with us all in 1 room... My ex husband felt the need to come. I guess to be there for his daughters birthday. However, he paid for NOTHING! Absolutely not a damn thing. He couldn't even help out on the pizza. DEAD beat!!! And he brought his girlfriend....Yep! So, she was completely uncomfortable, and barely said 2 words all night. I was annoyed with this behavior. I was more than pleasant! I offered her food, drinks and even complimented her on her damn boots (twice! You know I like shoes) and still nothing. I couldn't believe her inability to at least be a little social, if not to me than the other ladies that were helping me out with the more than 20+ teenage girls. She watched me like a hawk. She really didn't get the memo, that I really don't want my ex anymore. Nor did she get the memo, that he still wants me and it's him that she needs and needed to watch. Oh and of course, my ex in his truest of forms...tried, mentioned and joked about sneaking around the corner for a quickie....
UNPHUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!!!(ANNOYED AND EYES ROLLING!!!)I would NEVER!!! I'm so and have been over him. He really doesn't get it that I didn't like having sex with him then and KNOW for a fact that I wouldn't like it NOW!!!! So I won't ever consider such actions. His joke was not a bit funny.

But moving on...

And then there was my guy friend. But he was welcome and invited! Well, he had to be there! He was the photographer for the event oh and did I mention that HE WAS paying for everything!!! Yeah, so.... The audacity of my ex husband to come empty handed and with his anti-social, unhelpful and rude ass girlfriend, pissed me off. However, my guy friend acted like it was cool, but later I learned that he was annoyed by my exes nonchalant attitude of being the dad, getting the "daddy recognition" from everyone but hadn't contributed a thing. I couldn't blame him.

We weren't all drunk....that wouldn't have been good. But we all did have shots through out the night.

I couldn't wait for it to be over. For every one to leave and I could just host my daughter's sleep over with out ex/new love drama.... I was so stressed out and couldn't get drunk-What kind of supervision would that have been?

But it finally happened and now it's over...we were all in 1 room.

Token of?

Holidays-gift giving and receiving...Cards, candy, jewelry, clothes etc... When a man gives a woman a gift at anytime it means something. Actually, No matter what the reason or season. Men normally really have to like or care about the woman to even consider a gift....

So, when your man decides to give an ex/really good Friend a piece of jewelry...I pause. What the hell? What does that mean and why are you giving it to her? Jewelry is a token of something and woman take jewelry seriously!!!!

My friends, fiance wants to give his ex/"really good friend" a tennis bracelet. He hasn't given her 1 piece of jewelry but is adamant about given this ex chic this gift. I don't get it. But it's not my relationship to judge. But I would need to understand that relationship.... And I would want my token of....

He'll Never Believe

As many times as I've told my guy friend, I've only been with this amount of men...he'll never believe. He'll never believe that sex means more to me than a fuck. He'll never believe that what I do with and for him is ONLY for him, I don't do for ANYONE! He'll never believe that intimacy, love making-sex...is very special and means something to me. He'll never believe that I don't share or want to share that level of intimacy with anyone, but the man I love-him. He'll never believe that I don't put myself out there like that. He'll never believe that I respect myself-WAY TOO MUCH and more than just allowing some man to benefit from my goodies. He'll never believe that I'm terrified of diseases and my goodies are so sensitive that we see STD's coming, so we stay the hell away. He'll never believe that not allowing random men to get to me like that makes me feel good about me. He'll never believe that there are really women out there that care more about themselves and their bodies then people think. He'll never believe that I'm just not promiscuous, that I like the chase and not the act.

But what he does believe, is that I have the good good and can't bear to believe that I've given it to someone at all.

So, he'll never believe that I trust him enough to know that he can ever be faithful......

Happy Life

1 year ago today, I had major surgery. Could've not been here today. And I'm so blessed and happy to be here, living and enjoying LIFE. Though 2009 has proven to be difficult...with unemployment, bouts of depression, my drinking, emotional set backs, therapy and much much more. Today, I'm happy to be living.

I'm happy and so thankful for my amazing and wonderful children. They are in fact why I fight to live. I'm blessed with beautiful parents, an awesome family and phenomenal friends. I'm blessed to have a home to go to every night and all the amenities. I'm blessed that things can and could be so much worse, but are not.

I have so much more living to do and have only just begun. Things can and will only get and be better.

I am and will have and celebrate... A HAPPY LIFE!!!!

Out of the Blue

Days, weeks, months, years have gone by that I haven't thought about him, like that. I hated how things ended, but it made sense and was for the best. Every once in a while I would get those dumb forwarded text and/or e-mails but never put any energy into them, simply just pushed delete. So....how and why can and did he pop back up out of the blue into my life again? Like clock work, I have a disagreement with my boyfriend and ring ring guess who's in town and wants to grab a drink? Like clock work, when I'm in my feelings and dealing with relationship stuff.
I would get a call from him, of all people. The one, that could and use to make me weak in the knees.

I should've said "No", but I was curious. I was curious to chat, catch up and see what he had been up and into. I was curious to see what he looked, smelled and dressed like, since we last saw one another. I was curious why he was calling me. I was curious to see what my emotions would do.

We met at a bar (out in public on purpose!) and had a drink, 2 maybe three but I was in full control of all my capacities. He dressed the same-still casual suave. He looked the same, but in better shape (he'd been working out...he always had a nice body) But I was not moved. He still smelled delicious. But I did not get moist. He still had the softest lips and though he tried to kiss me during our hug I was not phased. I stopped him in the midst of his action and slid out of the hug. And he talked the same, the same bullshit before he walked out my door years ago. I did not waiver. He once had that touch that made me wobble, stutter and fall but those days were gone. Not how he looked, smelled or touched me made me wince.

And out of the blue as he reappeared wanting me to lay (on my bed) I sent him into the dark.