Baby Blues...

I hadn't seen my monthly friend for a few weeks. I took 2 test and they both were negative. I didn't know what was up. I had been really stressed and just assumed it was just that-STREES. I had never missed a cycle and it had always came like clock work, so it was very weird for me. And I was sick?!

My boo, says he wants a family. Wants to get me pregnant and wants me to move away with him. HMMMMMMMM. All of that sounds great BUT scares the shit outta me. 1st, we already have sooooo many issues. Add baby?! Add another country?! Would that or could that help us work through our issues? I just don't know.

I've pretty much charged marriage to hell. That will never happen again. I had put having another baby in that catagory aswell. But something has oddly changed.... The weird missing cycle thing, the baby talk with my boo and the constant baby perchancehappenings. I see babies everywhere I go, I see them on tv more and I'm even looking at baby items. And even more peculiar....my children have expressed wanting another sibling.

WTF?!

I would love a baby. But would I love the responsibility? The responsibility that is soon over when my daughter is 18. Would I love the loss of my freedom of doing whatever, whenever without having to wory about who's got the kids?! Would I get and have the emotional support I never had with the other two? Just don't know...

But the cycle finally came. And now, I'm thinking...maybe I wish it hadn't come. Wishing, the tests were positive. Weird kinda baby blues

I wonder

I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned. I thought about and tried to please myself but was unsuccessful. Haven't had sex since my birthday...and that sex was that good shit too. That mind blowing, slap yo mamma, can give a fuck about any other nigga in the world that steps to me sex. So maybe I'm alittle sexually frustrated. And I laid there and began to wonder....

What is he doing right now? Who is he with. He can't be sleeping alone. Who is he laying with? How he met me? How much does he like her? Did she just give him head. If he gave her oral pleasure. And I wonder if he gives it to her like he did me. And I wonder if he kisses her and looks her in her eyes. If his strokes are long and soft or short and hard. Is it just a fuck or is he making love to her? I know he's talking that nasty dirty talk, wonder if he calls her ALL the names he calls me. Wonder if he pulls her hair and chokes her. Probably wanted to take the ass. I wonder if he tells her how good it is and cums in pure happiness. I hope his ass used and is using condoms! I wish he wouldn't and wasn't. But I often wonder.