Comfortable

On a Sunday afternoon, a friend and I are chilling and she gets a call (from her boo)... After the call she quickly interrupts our outing and informs me that we had to get back to her house so she could shower and roll out to her boos house. During the phone call, her boo did say that she didn't have to shower and could just shower at his house. She explained that we were together, that my car was at her house and that it only made sense for her to freshen up at her house. I mention that it was a Sunday, because she proceeded to pack an over night bag. She had planned to spend the night and go to work from his house.

Another friend, just recently started seeing this guy. She has spent the night a few times, but quickly runs out of his house early in the morning to avoid the morning breath encounter. I thought this was absolutely hilarious!!!! I had never thought about it before, and actually have no problem kissing my baby in the morning. I think he almost did/does it on purpose... I think it means something. But anyway. So I asked her, why don't you just get a toothbrush. But she is hell bent against it, saying she doesn't want to force anything on him?!?! Hmmmm, So I started thinking... then who gets the toothbrush and when?

Even funnier, One of my very best friends; who happens to be married...still doesn't pass gas in front of her husband. And she uses the bathroom in the basement to take a shit, away from him. HILARIOUS!!!! WTF?!?! I'm thinking to myself 'ya'll are married'... They have shared the most intimate and probably nastiest situations with one another, but she can't flatuate or excremate around him?

And of course All of those scenarios got me to thinking.... *laughing like shit* What is the amount of time that it is OK to shower at your boos house? or yours for that matter? And when is it OK to start bringing a change of clothes? Or leave clothes at their house. Does the boo then get their own drawer and/or closet space? And then what does all that mean? And when is it appropriate to really have a toothbrush at your boos house? If the girl buys it for either house, does it mean she's being too aggressive and moving too fast or just wants either of them to have fresh breath, before that morning kiss. But if he buys the toothbrush or refuses...what does that mean? And last but not least, the whole flatuating and/or excremenating around your boo. When is OK to flatuate around your boo or just the opposite sex for that matter. What about having to REALLY use the bathroom at their house? When is it OK? DO you tell or warn them, to avoid the awkward situation of them walking in after you and taking a whiff?!

As for me...clothes at his house are not a huge deal. I guess having at least a change of underwear is pretty important, but not that serious. I suppose if I know I'm staying and have something really important to do the next day, I may shower and bring a change of clothes or leave really early. However, a toothbrush at his house (to me) has NOTHING to do with rushing things or a commitment. A toothbrush simply means, I want to brush my teeth in the morning! And I try not to pass gas or do #2 around my boo, just don't think it's lady like. But I do think I pass gas in my sleep. *LOL* He's never said anything though, but I think I do. Oh, and it took me over 2 years to actually use the bathroom at his house. It just seemed weird and even to this day... I use the bathroom in the basement.

I mean when are you ever really comfortable?

Response to FollowerS

WOW!!! Who knew... that I even had that many followers. I got A LOT responses from my "What HE would get" blog (way too many to repost). Mostly, responses from men, which I didn't realize how many men readers I had. Thank you for letting me know you're out there and are interested. Unfortunately, like I've said in my previous blogs...I'm in such a bad place emotionally around love that though I have absolutely great qualities...I'm no good for anyone right now. HOWEVER, Men, I'll keep you posted *smiling* and *winking*. And ladies, thank you for your responses as well. I know that you too know your worth. We are queens! and if the men of your area don't know...they need to quickly recognize...they are missing out and will die LONELY!!!

So for the record...I promise I wasn't trying to advertise, it was just a blog. Thoughts go through my mind constantly about things that I experience, conversations I have or things that people say. Something clicks in my head and I think to myself.. other woman may have experienced the same thing or think about the same type things, but don't say anything; I am their voices...so I just say (blog) it out loud. I enjoy blogging, it's therapeutic and though I only personally know about 3 of my followers. It's nice to know that there are others that enjoy what I have to say. My "what HE would get" blog was really about my amazing dinner and eating it alone. It was about wanting to share it with someone who would appreciate the work that went into it. It was made with pure love. Something you would do for your LOVE. That blog was to comfort my lonely ego.

My blog....
A very close and important person in my life recently told me that they have shut down on talking to me about things because he didn't want his life on the world wide web. Additionally, he mentioned that one of my blogs was disloyal...so just typing these mere sentences have me cringing because I hate to upset the people that I love. I hate being in that catch 22 of my own happiness and not wanting to make who I love unhappy. But, my blog is for and about ME...MY feelings, MY thoughts, MY experiences. I realize it may involve others, but my intent is never to upset, offend or hurt anyone with my blogs. I had since considered to stop blogging... and then received my overwhelming responses to a silly blog about "me". Thank you... I'll keep blogging. I do fell hurt that he no longer wants to talk, share, and be naked with me...but I have used ALOT of discretion and feel that I remain loyal whether he believes it not.

THANK YOU Readers, THANK YOU FOLLOWERS!!!! More Sharp Life to come!!!

What HE would get...

I cooked an amazing dinner tonight (what I cooked is not important, just that I did cook a fantabulous meal and can cook like I should be a chef!) And today was a full day...I played taxi for my son, ran my business from my phone, drove a friend all the way to the furthest airport in the area (while chatting about the world cup), grabbed some groceries, consoled a crying friend, Oh and looked really cute while doing it all! Which got me to thinking... what a man would get with me...

And I promise I'm not being conceited, overly confidant, un-humble or DIVAish...just putting my GREAT qualities out there, cause I am in fact talented and blessed-to say the least. So here we go...

I am first and most important, an AMAZING mother! My children are great kids, well behaved, mannerable and smart. Oh and by the way go to phenomenal schools and kicking ass. I provide for them in the most spectacular and effective way that I sometimes have to step back and acknowledge my work. I encourage, motivate, support, discipline and nurture them at all times. They do me proud and I know they will take care of me when I won't be able to. So now that I have the (I would be a/am a) great mom thing outta the way...

I'm smart! Not just book smart with a college education smart, but street smart because I was raised by a crazy single mother (who had her own issues) in the hood, where I had to figure life out at 15. So, being in and from the hood, is comfortable to and for me. And I can handle my own. I obtained my college education while raising 2 kids and later went on to work on my masters. I can talk atoms, algebraic terms, Freud, Socrates, history, politics, and religion...So, smarts...is what I do!!!

I cook; Love to cook and do it well. I'm loyal; cheating is for losers. I clean and keep a clean home. I love sports; will watch and play any of them. And happen to be very competitive. I'm fun and funny; love a good sense of humor and love to laugh. I'm quite adventurous and up and open to whatever is in mind... But will and can also just chill at home. Oh and while at home...I like to please my man!!! take it how you want... I like sex! And happen to be pretty damn good at it too....

I'm a social butterfly and know my way around event planning and having a good time. I enjoy the cultural arts am familiar and enjoy many music genres. LOVE to dance. I'm a hopeless romantic, but fight it; fear of being hurt...so much rather just enjoy the party. I could go on in this area...

I've been told on more than enough occasions I'm attractive. So I guess, I'm cute... tall in height, slender in build. I have long and natural hair, which is quite versatile. I'm fair skin, inviting brown eyes and luscious full lips (so I've been told) and a winning smile. Sexy and confident...Yeah, model type...


So with all that said, I would say what he could get was pretty damn good. And yeah I know, I have issues like the next girl, shit like the next person. I'm not perfect, but who is. My issues are who make me ME! Shit, Love is not perfect, but loving the imperfections in the person you love.

But WOW, my dinner was so amazing I felt like sharing and thought about what he would get if I were his woman.

Yeah, like Beyonce'...Let me upgrade you.

REMEMBERING Jacksonville

The best romantic experience of my life and I remember it like it happen yesterday...

He flew me into Jacksonville. I hadn't always remembered the city, we have been to a lot of places and have had a great time everywhere we went...so the cities sometimes run together. But recently confirmed, it was in fact Jacksonville. Anyway, he wasn't at the airport when I arrived and I figured he was just running late, like usual. He called to tell me that he was running later than he had planned, but he had sent me a car. Yep! I went outside and there stood a man with a big card with my name on it. *I thought that only happened in movies* :)

When I got to the hotel, he seemed hurried, was grabbing his golf clubs (because his golf game and chatting with friends had ran over) and apologized a few times for not being at the airport. When we got to the room and he opened the door, it all made sense. He in fact, sent the car to allow him to have more time to make his plan come together.

As I walked into the room I was over whelmed with happiness. I had falling in love with him all over again. There were candles and rose petals scattered throughout the room. Slow jams were playing on the iPod deck. He was prepared to run a bubble bath, with oils and rose petals. There were green M&M's in bowls (he had picked out all the other colors, because he knows I love the green M&M most), a fruit tray, wine, ice-cream and other random snacks.

He led me to the bed, where he blind folded me and fed me the fruit. He ate the ice-cream off of me and he made love to me like I had never been made love to before. We drank wine, laughed and chilled the rest of the night. Best night EVER!!!

It's gotta mean a lot for a man to think a whole experience like that out and make it happen. Make it memorable. And I will always remember Jacksonville!

He loves Me, he LOVES me NOT

No matter the distance, what either of us have or had been doing, if we had spoke or not; when we would see each other...we seemed to always pick up where we left off. We seemed to roll like there was never a break. HOWEVER, this time was a little-NO this time was ALOT different. My baby came into town and it was different.

The spark was Not in his eyes. His kiss was hesitant and he held me different when we laid in bed. He didn't hold me tight, with my legs on lock down all night. He didn't hug me close, to ensure I would never get away. Nor did he ever reach for me to ensure I was still there. He didn't even notice that I was wide awake the duration of the night or when I got out of bed. And the weirdest of all...he fucked me, not made love to me. He could've cared less if I had came that night or weeks prior. We felt different.

My text and calls went unanswered. And our communication in general seemed forced. He seemed to have forgotten the importance he was/is in my life. He didn't even ask about the kids, who always ask about him. Nor did he ask how business was going or if I was still sustaining some type of financial life. He didn't seem to care. His touch was cold and his words were frank. I felt unsure about who my love had become. I seemed to have been an option and not his priority. He was different!

This encounter seemed like perchance, a convenient circumstance. Where I had once felt confident and happy to be his baby, this encounter... I felt awkward and out of place around him. It all made me wonder... did he still love me or love me not. His attention and priorities didn't feel like it was about me. We felt different.

I hate wondering if he still loves me or loves me not...

*this blog is subject to futher development*

ADD

I have Attention Deficit Disorder. And when I say this I don't mean it in the actual medical terms, but in relationship terms. So when I say it out loud and or to men, they take my meaning to be..."oh, she's clingy or needy" and that is not the case....

My ADD is about the amount of attention my baby gives to me...texts, e-mails, calls through out the day and of course time spent. In the day and age of texts messages and e-mails...they are HUGE! The "Good Morning, have a good day" or "thinking about you", "hey", "what's up", "can't talk now, call me later", "how's your day" or even "call you in a few". Anything to know he is/was thinking about me, does it for me. I don't need to see or be around him 24/7 or even be in his presence all or even for a day, week or few days. Oh and phone calls long or short will always work, hearing his voice, puts an instant smile on my face. All this because, it's all about the thought that counts!!!

Oh, and I absolutely hate when I send random and/or general text messages and he doesn't respond...WTF! Because I'm sure if I didn't/don't respond to him in a timely manner he would have an issue. So, text messages ease the emotional state of comfort. Calls that go unanswered, should have a minimum of a 5 minute turn around...I get being on a call/not being able to talk at that moment/being busy. But not returning my call within at least an hour is ridiculous!!!

And the whole not spending time with him ALL day or being underneath him all day is stupid!!! Who really needs or even wants that?! I absolutely want and need MY space, so I absolutely will respect his!!! But sometimes I just want to be in his arms, kiss him, touch him or be in his reach... HOWEVER, I have ALOT of free time, and no one wants to be lonely!!! So, just wanting to have lunch with him (in the middle of the day) should be cool. Or hanging out at night and maybe spending the night with him should make sense...

My ADD is more about pleasing him than me!!! I don't want or need a clingy or needy dude...I just want him to want ME, think about and want to spend time with ME!!! Because at the end of the day making him happy is making me happy!!!

So, I will not justify or apologize for my ADD...adding me to his daily regime, means we're all GOOD!!!

Excess Baggage

It's funny that airlines now charge you for your excess baggage. Some airlines even charge you for the initial piece of luggage. Which got me to thinking...as we traveling on this journey of love and life, we don't mean to carry excess baggage but we do. We carry the good and the bad of our relationships into the next one. The new person, unknowingly becomes subjected to an emotional strip search; where we try to get them naked, in attempts of trying to rid of the possible bullshit early on. This ultimately, is only a set up for them and we sit back waiting for them to fail. We do try to be better in the new relationship, but know that previous issues linger and some how will continue to haunt.....

Then there's the carry on baggage; security goes through your baggage and identifies the more than 3 allowable flow ounces. Another thought zoomed through my head... It is a scientific known facts that, a human body contains about about 5 liters of blood (a little more than one gallon). Of course, the amount of blood actually held within the heart at any given moment varies on the person (do they have a healthy or defective heart?) With that said, we all would never get through security our head (metaphorically representing security) would stop us every time. We carry excess baggage and have too much love (metaphorically used instead of blood) flowing to our hearts. We fall in love. We are in love. Humans love. And when you are in love and have love your heart beats different. Your heart is functioning for life and love. I guess only the defective (broken hearted) would be allowed to travel....

Sadly, we carry trust issues or the lack there of into relationships. Our communication skills weaken...in the new relationship, we are either more verbal than we need to be (argumentative/combative or providing WAY too much info too soon-scaring potentials off) or not verbal enough (shutting down or never wanting to open up). We put barriers up around our hearts and seem to anticipate the worse to happen. But almost worse than the destructive baggage we carry is the sabotage baggage; that's the baggage of...the inability to allow anyone to ever compare to the previous love...

I find myself constantly comparing any and everything a man does and doesn't do for me, to my baby. Men continue to come up short. No one seems to be chivalrous enough, passionate, compassionate or understanding enough. No one can seem to make me laugh or smile like he does. Men don't look as good or smell as good as he did. I find fault with their cadence of their voice, how they walk and dress...the shape of their noses, the size of their ears, their slant of their teeth, the chapped lips, their body build, if they work out, what they eat or don't eat. And that list can go on. OH and NONE have been adventurous enough and unfortunately...no one seems to stack up.

I also, don't trust a word that comes out of their mouths. I think they all are running game or have some hidden drama and issues that will eventually come out, to hurt me. Their character is always in question. And I listen intensely, waiting for bullshit... for I am allergic to it. My guard is up, not even allowing for any platonic friendships. My expectatins of what I want and need have set a new high.

My baggage is heavy. Erica Badu was talking about me when she wrote that song and I wasn't even listening. I know it's not fair, I suppose with time I'll have to learn how to pack light.

Anybody out there?

I read or maybe heard a quote about relationships, 'the greater the hurt and pain the harder the process to heal.' and with that I began to think... WOW, so will I ever heal? I'm convinced I'm damaged goods at this point. I have NO want, need, or desire to give my love to anyone anymore. Nor do I even feel like being bothered with relationships. So, I must agree with the quote...and acknowledge my journey of healing to be a great feat, if not even impossible.

I've let myself go...even grow; remember I still have a goonie goo goo growing between my legs. I now pull my hair back, more often than usual. I've decided to wear clothes for comfort versus my super cute ensembles, during my outings. AND I've resorted to flats when I go out-Very odd! Because if you follow my blog; you know I LOVE my stilettos! I'm down right mean to any man that tries to talk to me now. And I must say, my attitude toward men in general these days SUCKS!!! I just don't care and don't want to try anymore. None of this is to be concluded that...I'm now bitter and or have no self love. On the contrary!!! I am absolutely not bitter, but better! And I absolutely love myself. My priorities have just changed...and loving or giving love to undeserving men is not important to me anymore!!!

I do however, remember great love and what it felt like... So on my journey, I do I wonder...is there anybody out there?!

Is there anybody out there that can or will make me laugh and smile like he did? Is there anybody out there that can or will love me like he did? Will he care for and take care of me? Will we talk and play? Will we go here, there and no where? Will he pull my card and put me in check when I need to be spanked? Will he spank me?! Is there anybody out there that will hold me at night like he did. Will he look in my eyes and I know what it means? Will he understand my sporadic whims and fluctuations of love making and fucking? Is there anybody out here even deserving of what I have to offer? Will he appreciate me and cherish my heart? Will he know me? Is there any body out there that will love ME?

Is there anybody out there that could help me on my journey of healing? And if he's out there, would I even give him a chance?

Conversation with The salseman...

We just met! We've chatted. We had lunch. We had 1 drink!
Why would I want to go back to your place? What is MY motivation? I'm not attracted to you. And nothing about you screams...'hot, sexy, lover'

FYI, I hate overly aggressive and way too persistent men. The salesman tactics don't work on me...the whole sale me a red popsicle, while wearing my white gloves in ninety degree weather...doesn't and will never work unless I want it to...

No...you're not a good catch. I don't find you attractive. Your conversation is boring. And no, you're not the man of my dreams. And absolutely not...I don't NEED you. Yeah, I probably would look good holding your hand...but that's because I look good anyway. And yep, everybody needs love...but I don't need yours. I choose to be alone, because of men like you. Oh additionally, I love me more than I would ever love you. So....Econ 101, consumers buy what they want... and I don't want you!!!

You're sales pitch SUCKS!!!

Monogamous Man?!

Is there a such thing as a monogamous man or if men can really be in a monogamous relationship....

***I actually think some men can be and want to be monogamous... but don't know how. I think they want and need companionship in life but just can't seem to get it right. I think the player thing and all the variety has to get old and at the end of the day, being a player I'm sure can be and gets lonely.

I actually think a man can have a really hott, attractive woman with everything he wants type, but still want something else. Because even if with the hotter, more attractive and gives it up more and better, there is always...Temptation! Which should be just that, temptation. The 'wants', the 'feels good' and 'desirable', but that doesn't necessarily mean he has to act on it. Is it really men's egos? Do men really need or have to fuck all the women they can?

And what about the internal?! The emotional and mental make up of a woman?! Who a woman really is and her character make up?! Hmmmm, and do men really look for that woman that has their equal philosophies and morals in life. Or better yet, think about if that woman has their equal sexual desire?!

I think we are all sexual beings and some men are just more than others. Biologically, I don't think men are meant to be monogamous. They are hard wired to find the best mate to propagate our species. And although some species do exhibit monogamous behavior, I believe it is less common in primates overall.


So, I wonder if an open relationship could or would fix some of those relationships that can't handle the monogamy. Does that mean, when you agree to an open relationship that the couple actually just wants to keep their options open for something better. And that the couple is settling until that better comes along?! So, is that couple then not considering that the current is the best?! Hmmm, and what about catching feelings with another person while being in an open relationship? If the open relationship is in place to just keep the couples options open, I suppose I wouldn't recommend hanging around for too long if monogamy isn't going to be an option.

So what is acceptable for a woman to agree or not agree to in her relationship?
And are women then lowering their standards and requiring less of men because they are afraid to lose them? I suppose a lot of women do things out of insecurities and don't want the "possible" good one to get away. But then let him get away with bullshit... with fears of not getting or finding better?! Unfortunately, I think it's hard for women to be truly secure with themselves because men keep us on the fence. I think women are insecure by nature and often measure, compare and compete with other women. Because of and for men. We compare and second guess our looks, worth and physical value's instead of doing it for ourselves.

I actually think commitment and exclusivity mean different things, people seem to intertwine them, which makes relationships difficult. I do however, believe that commitment means a man is ready to be in a relationship... BUT it doesn't necessarily mean he will be exclusive or monogamous, which by definition means...The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time. I think with commitment he just decided to be committed, which by definition means...A pledge or the state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons to one woman. And with the commitment, it's not whether he can be monogamous, it's whether he can admit that he is and will be.

Unfortunately, I just don't think people have old morals anymore...I don't think there is respect for relationships, commitment and exclusivity anymore. What happen to peoples sense of self and self worth? Moreover the importance of love, sex, relationships and what it all really means.


Sooo, with all that blah, blah, blah and blah said...I know I'm a sexual being, I know I have strong sexual desires but doesn't mean I have to go elsewhere if they're not being met at every moment. I absolutely believe in a committed relationship. I'm old fashioned, with old time morals and views on relationships. I love love, I want to grow old with someone. I like being a committed and FAITHFUL person. I refuse to gamble with my health with multiple partners and would hope that my partner feels the same... when it comes down to it, if you love someone, and truly do, why would you want anything else? Sure, the relationship may have it's low points...those ugly, bad and worse times. And sure maybe there are moments of wanting something new, different or whatever, but life and love isn't all about the physical and that's what people don't understand anymore.

Everyone is meant to find their diamond...a monogamous relationship in the rough. Diamonds are rare; but once you find it, you keep it, cherish it...because like diamonds...love is also forever.

Wedding Weekend...

Weddings provoke all types of emotions. There is absolute joy for the happy couple. Depending if you're friend or family to the bride or groom you then can also feel sadness, to see them and how they have grown. If you have children of your own, you begin to think of how your child's ceremony may be. And the emotions are endless; the tears of joy, the emense happiness, and of course that thing called love. I love weddings, love to plan and attend them, but unfortunately have never had one of my own. We just went to the justice of the piece. I should've known then. LOL.

And so...this weekend, I went to a wedding and went through a wave of emotions. All types of feelings went through my body...happy, anger, joy, sadness, delight and even a little disappointment... But before I go into my pitiful emotionally unstable state...the weekend was GREAT!!!

The weather was perfect and beautiful, the ocean water was brilliant, ALL the food all weekend long was amazing, the hotel was fabulous, the people were pleasant, I had spectacular sex, and just had a phenonmeal weekend!!! We partied like rocks stars...gay men hit on my date (HILARIOUS!!!), I saw a completely naked man dancing with a pink boa, we danced and drank till who knows what time in the am, and I got toys from the sex store... Oh, and I looked cute, which always helps make the day/night that much better....

As for the wedding. The bride was georgeous and her ceremony was perfectly lovely...but as the day progressed, I fought back the tears the entire time. The occasion was joyous and I was delighted for the couple. But I couldn't help but think of my failed marriage and what marriage is about and what love really means. I have no regrets that I ended my marriage. It was the best thing I could've done for my self. But now, I never want to marry again. And I couldn't help think about the love of my life and his marriage. I can and will never understand how, I found myself in that situation and I don't know if I will ever fully recover from the experience. But what I couldn't help think about most was the concept of love...

We have no control who we fall in love with. And once you find and have love, it should be cherished. Love is special! Love should never be taken for granted and people have to really begin to value what it means when someone gives you love and their heart. Love should be protected always and can't and should never just be thrown away. I may never marry again, or get MY wedding. But I do know what love feels like...I know how it looks at me, holds me, smiles at me, and a love like that can never be replaced...

Through all the sadness, I felt love during a wedding weekend.

He DOESN'T AND won't Get IT *edited*

Nice guy, good guy, right things in place, wrong type...

A dude approached me in the mall one day. He gave me all the appropriate compliments and we exchanged business cards. I threw his away, but he called me. You see, I'm emotionally detached from the whole hooking up thing. I suppose I've been through alot in my previous relationships and I'm now very....distrusting of men;their intentions and their ability to be real, honest, faithful, truthful, exclusive, and appreciative. At the end of the day, I'm loving me and that's more important than any man right now.

...He called me a few days later. I honestly had hoped that he would've thrown my card away as well. But, since the card exchange we've chatted a few times and have gone out to eat twice... and I don't like him. We have nothing in common. I've been more than frank with him, and told him I'm not interested in developing a relationship, but he doesn't seem to get it. I've went on to tell him, that I'm damaged and am in no emotional place to start or develop a relationship. (I thought the info about an emotionally ubstable chic, would make himn run) But he is persistent and says that I've never had a man treat me the way he will and that I deserve a good man. He calls and text me everyday, and he expresses wanting to see me and spend time with me everyday. All nice and maybe even true...BUT, I don't like it or him.

WHY DOESN'T HE GET IT? Does he realize he WON'T EVER GET IT?

So then, I thought about it... Why don't I like him?! Why doesn't he get it? And why won't He EVER get it? BECAUSE, he is over confident! There are men who have no idea that they think they are the shit, but only smell like shit!!! They think they ARE the blessing to the world. BUT NOT!!! And they're, what they think is swag is only shit! Who the hell does he think he is? Just because HE thinks he looks good, dresses nice, has nice cars and a nice place etc. doesn't mean I am then SUPPOSE to like him. Am I doing him a favor to be with him? NO!!! I would be doing him a favor to be with ME!

And the conclusion is...I don't like overly confident men!!!

So, his DUMB ASS...HE DOESN'T GET IT AND HE WON'T GET IT!!!

wanna FUCK my friends

I have a very small number of friends and an even smaller number of female friends. For the few female friends I have, I would say they are pretty women. And it seems my men agree...

My ex husband tried to fuck two of my really good friends. He denies it to this day, but I don't believe him. The "real" story, I heard from my friends and their men and another third party. Their stories all made more sense then my ex's bullshit ass lie.

I also believe, No, know that "my lover" fucked a few of my friends. His story, was also bullshit. Hence, the short lived "romance". And to no surprise, I've learned that there may have been an opportunity for yet another...fuck my friend. Of course everybodies stories are conflicting, but there was obviously someones intentions...

What the hell goes through a mans head when he decides he wants to step to his girls friend. Why do men find this ok and acceptable. Whether your relationship is going through a rough patch or not, it is NEVER OK for a man to consider being with his girls friend. It is NEVER OK for your friend to be put in that situation, it's NEVER OK for your man to put your girl in that situation and it's NEVER OK for your man to be in that situation.

I will not befriend ugly woman, to avoid my man wanting to sleep with her. I will also never under estimate the thought process of my man wanting to be with one of my cute friends.... Someone told me, not to be so tough on the guy that I should consider the "friend" as well. Good point, however...the situation has presented itself one too many times. Same situation, different men, same cute friends = same BULLSHIT! I can't help but believe that the man is at fault. I have SEVERE trust issues.

Why do I have to think about all those things?

Mama

Today's my mom's birthday. I would normally be stressing over what to get and/or what to send her but this year, I'll send her a card with a gift card in it and call it a day. I always wish I could do alot more for my mother and only want and wish her the best. But, I wish she wanted the same. It's too bad, that people often just give up and stop caring, about themselves and or life in general. So, today I'm conflicted about my mama.

My mother and I have had a very tumultuous past few months. She's been literally on her death bed a few times. So scary, thinking she may not live to see another birthday. I try to avoid those thoughts of what not having my mother and what that would look like, but they seem to haunt me. And by the grace of God, she seems to cheat death again and again. But when she's healthy, we argue about about her life choices that seem to continue to land her in the hospital. And we eventually stop talking. And we don't talk for weeks and months...and it kills me. Because no one should never not talk to their mothers.

The mother child relationship has to be the most dynamic relationship in the world. This dynamic is so deep and profound...it can explain, justify and provide understanding of why, how and who people are and become due to their relationships and/or the lack there of with their mothers. The same is true for father child relationships, but today I'm talking about mothers. And mine has made me a crazy woman... But I digress.

I don't like not talking to my mom. And I only prey she is doing what she wants today and is happy and healthy!!!

Happy Birthday, Mommy....

Stamina-Rx

I recently lost my check card, so I've had to use cash lately. I actually had to go into a gas station and pay for gas. I only mention this because, while in a gas station I noticed all the products they sell at the counter besides gum cigarettes and condoms. What really caught my eye was the plethora of sexual enhancement pills, specifically Stamina-Rx. Stamina-Rx is a little blue pill, that since it's with all the other sex enhancement pills...I'll just say it's a gas station version of Viagra. Anyway, to put all this into persprective. I never thought about it before. But my guy friend use to have hundreds of packages of them. Like he had stock in it. And I never read what it was (that was way too invasive of privacy) or cared until, I found a few empty packages AND condoms. I made a joke one day about it and he told me it was for energy. Energy for what? I didn't work him out like that...So, YEAH, I bet.

The shit I ignored and was always right in front of my face.....

Response to Follower

I recently received an e-mail from a follower of my blog. I must say, I was surprised! But I do appreciate her (maybe his) following and sentiment. It's reads....

"Dear Ms.asharpwomanslife, I've followed your blog now for about 3 months. I'm also a single parent and wanting to get my groove back. I like your honest and upfront tone in your blog about love, relationships and being a single parent and how you cope. But, I must say, I went back to read your older post and I'm alittle confused. My confusion started with your 3 strikes & your out post. It seemed that you have been in a relationship with your "boo", "guy friend" for some time now. But state that you've only had 3 real realtionships,your husband, a lover, and the love of your life. So is your "boo" or "guy friend" the love of your life? And then, here in lies the confusion and more so, what I would think to be a problem. In various post you blogged about "his wedding", "text messages" "why we fight" and "I miss us" so were these about your lover or your boo? Because, if they are about your boo aka the love of your life. He can't be the love of your life!"

Confused

And there it is...you put your life on blogger.com and they call you out. LOL. I loved it! Yes, Confused, you are correct and in fact NOT confused at all...

All of those post were about the love of my life. Actually the ONLY 2 about my lover were the ones titled "Out of the Blue". I think I'm pretty clear about the ones about my ex husband. But the others are indeed about, "the love of my life" So, yes...if you do read or have read them all and put it into context maybe you can see our or my roller coaster of emotions about us. There has been ALOT of funky shit that he has done and I added fuel to the fire. So, I am not without some blame. But all I can say is, you can't help who you love. But I DO know! I will NEVER let myself be there EVER AGAIN. and I'm NOT CONFUSED!!!!

Thanks for your e-mail. Keep reading, I have lots more random shit to blog about. Nice to know, someone is reading :)

Just Sex

Is it possible for two people that really love each other but are no longer together to just have sex? Can you really separate the two...sex and emotions? Is and was our shit so fucked up that, the only thing we can do at this point is to have "just sex"? We can still laugh, act civil, and be intimate, but we can't seem to make our shit work. The chemistry is CRAZY. The sex is AMAZING! But is that really all? I suppose anyone can have great sex, but can anyone have great chemistry? Does intimacy not mean anything anymore? The kissing, the holding and the wanting and needing to please your partner. Chemistry, intimacy, and love makes really good sex/great sex....PHENOMENAL SEX!!! I mean shit, You can get up and go after really good sex, people pay for great sex and anyone can create an environment of pleasure for just sex. But chemistry?!. It's not just sex!

But if, just sex is what I can get...I'll take it.

3 Strikes...your out

So I decided! I'm DONE!!! I've been married...FAILED! Had a lover...FAILED! Had the LOVE of my life...FAILED. A girl can only take so much failure, so I'm done!!! And just like that, I CAN and have decided to never give my heart again. I will not fall in, be in or love again. I refuse to set my self up for failure ever again! I'm an over achiever and failure I just can't and won't do again!!!

Funny thing is, I'm the first to say, "I love LOVE", love being in love and support as well as encourage love. I'm a hopeless romantic. Love the candles, roses, bubble baths, kisses on the forehead/neck/cheek, the walks on the beach and all the mushy bullshit too. But I obviously can't seem to get this love thing straight, So, I've decided to never love again!!! Relationships and love are for the birds. I can't keep giving and trying to be the best...wife, lover, girlfriend...whatever for my health any more!!! I know I'm a damn good woman, and for the 3 that let me get away... YOUR BAD!!! YOUR LOSS!!!

I will admit my faults (for we all have them), my mistakes (for we all make them) but mine were No worse than the faults and mistakes made unto me. I will not be responsible, for the breakdowns in my relationships. I may have fucked up, but his fuck ups were much worse. I may have lied, but his lies were the WORST! And at the end of the day, I will not be the blame for these fuckin men's inability to give me what I want, need, and deserve!

I want to be loved and made love to. I want him to know me...I want him to know my likes and dislikes. Know when I'm happy, mad, or sad. Know what the tone in my voice means. Know when I'm trying hard to make his day, or make him smile and keep him happy. I don't want to be someone else around him, because I'm afraid he will judge or hold it against me later. I want and need him to know that I want and need his love, affection and attention-that his text, e-mails and calls are the highlight of my day (yeah, I may get others...but they mean SHIT!). I need him to know that I need his daily words of support and encouragement. I need him to know that I want and need to be in his arms at night. I need him to know that I am a priority, NOT an option. I need him to know that when I say, "I'm gonna go", I want him to say "I want you to stay"! Because, I know we will argue, who doesn't? It's human nature. It would be un-natural not to. But, I'm also gonna need him to put me in my place sometimes, because I know I get SHARP about the tongue sometimes.

I need him to know that my goodies are only his goodies! And that I only move like that for him...I want him to know what it means when my eyes roll back in my head, what my high pitched sigh means, or what the arch in my back is about when he makes love to me. He will know when I'm in the mood and He will be happy that he is the only one to satisfy me.

I mean hey, I'm a love love kinda girl and I deserED those things. But they're not gonna ever happen. I've given up!!! I will look no more or ever again. I don't think there's a man out there, or that there is a man that can or will ever love me like that! So, I'm DONE!

I'm no longer delusional about my Prince Charming, Knight and Shinning Armor or My Tarzan. For me, he doesn't fucking exist. I've given up on my fantasy. That fairytale was just bullshit. I've awaken from that dream! I'm no longer delusional about what it means to be faithful, exclusive and monogamous. I'm no longer delusional about men's ability to NOT cheat. There's been and is currently a new phenomenon and philosophy of open relationships and marriages... Poly-relationships?!?! WTF!?!? So, why should I continue to live in oblivion? I won't! I'm no longer delusional about what a man wants and needs. I'm no longer delusional. I refuse to be! I refuse to fail again!

So, I love sports... with football you need a 1st down (a few 1st downs), then a touch down...the team with the most touchdowns wins. Basketball-a good layup, some free throws, three pointer a few slam dunks, and the team with the most points wins and I also know alittle about baseball...1st base, second base third...maybe a home run...after 9 innings the team with the most points wins. BUT!!!! I also know, that in baseball...3 strikes and your out!!!! So, for me...GAME OVER!!!

The Planes Over Head

He wanted to be a pilot. He started taking lessons. He took me up in one of those little planes a couple of times. It was amazing. I felt so safe with him.

I woke up to the sound of (single engine) planes over my house today. And I started to cry. I miss him so much... It's gonna be a horrible day.

Texts Messages

I read his text messages. Ever single one. I hate that I did, because when you look you will definitely find something...I didn't want to know the truth. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

He would text when we were together... "thinking of u", "wish u were here", "where u @?", "what's up w/ u later" etc. Oh, and then there were the good old sexts...they were all pretty explicit and detailed... Why? Was he really thinking of them? Or was it just a game? Did he really wish she was there? Or was it just about getting his dick sucked?

I mean he wouldn't even lie about where he was or what he was doing, just that he wasn't with me. I was so stupid, to think it was just me. And reading them made me feel even more stupid. The missing times, dates, and places began to fall into place. The supposed meetings turned into sexapades and conference calls tuned into phone sex. I was none the wiser.

The model, the bartender, the Ethiopian, the dancer/yoga instructor, the purse designer/hospital supervisor, the one who loved to give head, the one who loved it in her ass... And so many more...wish I would've read the text messages ALOT sooner!!!!