I swear my life needs to be a TV show or a movie...I'm gonna start working on it, I promise. And I'm sure, just by the title your already wondering. *LOL* WTF Sharp, so here goes another crazy hmmmm, situation maybe better word circumstance...
Soooo, I was not remotely interested in Facebook...but my best friend opened my account and I have since reconnected with lots of old friends, have networked with some cool fashion industry folks, and have connected with some new friends as well. I get all type of friend requests and try to be pretty selective about who I confirm. When I get inbox messages I always ask the who are you, how do I know you, how did I meet you etc. I also get the general compliments here and there. So, I'm use to the whole facebook friends and even facebook crush thing.
But a message that I wasn't ready for was..."you are beautiful. and my friend has a huge crush on you. we would love to get to know you, spoil you and fulfill your fantasies. please reply if your interested" OK, OK, OK....I know you're probably thinking. Hell no and WTF"! and would have defriended them immediately. Yeah, I know. But I sometimes walk on the wild side and I have to admit I was very intrigued.... So, I replied. *LMAO*
We have in boxed back and forth a few times, eventually exchanged e-mails and I have their numbers... Guess the ball is in my court to actually call. *LOL*...The e-mails were all very informative and they both happen to be really cute (
Of course I asked for pictures). Oh, so are you wondering about the couple and what the 3 sum would entail...2 guys and me? 1 guy, his chic and me? Can you believe 2 chics want to have a 3SUM with me?!?! *LMAO* WOW, my life...I swear I can't make this shit up!!!!
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
REMEMBERING Jacksonville
The best romantic experience of my life and I remember it like it happen yesterday...
He flew me into Jacksonville. I hadn't always remembered the city, we have been to a lot of places and have had a great time everywhere we went...so the cities sometimes run together. But recently confirmed, it was in fact Jacksonville. Anyway, he wasn't at the airport when I arrived and I figured he was just running late, like usual. He called to tell me that he was running later than he had planned, but he had sent me a car. Yep! I went outside and there stood a man with a big card with my name on it. *I thought that only happened in movies* :)
When I got to the hotel, he seemed hurried, was grabbing his golf clubs (because his golf game and chatting with friends had ran over) and apologized a few times for not being at the airport. When we got to the room and he opened the door, it all made sense. He in fact, sent the car to allow him to have more time to make his plan come together.
As I walked into the room I was over whelmed with happiness. I had falling in love with him all over again. There were candles and rose petals scattered throughout the room. Slow jams were playing on the iPod deck. He was prepared to run a bubble bath, with oils and rose petals. There were green M&M's in bowls (he had picked out all the other colors, because he knows I love the green M&M most), a fruit tray, wine, ice-cream and other random snacks.
He led me to the bed, where he blind folded me and fed me the fruit. He ate the ice-cream off of me and he made love to me like I had never been made love to before. We drank wine, laughed and chilled the rest of the night. Best night EVER!!!
It's gotta mean a lot for a man to think a whole experience like that out and make it happen. Make it memorable. And I will always remember Jacksonville!
He flew me into Jacksonville. I hadn't always remembered the city, we have been to a lot of places and have had a great time everywhere we went...so the cities sometimes run together. But recently confirmed, it was in fact Jacksonville. Anyway, he wasn't at the airport when I arrived and I figured he was just running late, like usual. He called to tell me that he was running later than he had planned, but he had sent me a car. Yep! I went outside and there stood a man with a big card with my name on it. *I thought that only happened in movies* :)
When I got to the hotel, he seemed hurried, was grabbing his golf clubs (because his golf game and chatting with friends had ran over) and apologized a few times for not being at the airport. When we got to the room and he opened the door, it all made sense. He in fact, sent the car to allow him to have more time to make his plan come together.
As I walked into the room I was over whelmed with happiness. I had falling in love with him all over again. There were candles and rose petals scattered throughout the room. Slow jams were playing on the iPod deck. He was prepared to run a bubble bath, with oils and rose petals. There were green M&M's in bowls (he had picked out all the other colors, because he knows I love the green M&M most), a fruit tray, wine, ice-cream and other random snacks.
He led me to the bed, where he blind folded me and fed me the fruit. He ate the ice-cream off of me and he made love to me like I had never been made love to before. We drank wine, laughed and chilled the rest of the night. Best night EVER!!!
It's gotta mean a lot for a man to think a whole experience like that out and make it happen. Make it memorable. And I will always remember Jacksonville!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Anybody out there?
I read or maybe heard a quote about relationships, 'the greater the hurt and pain the harder the process to heal.' and with that I began to think... WOW, so will I ever heal? I'm convinced I'm damaged goods at this point. I have NO want, need, or desire to give my love to anyone anymore. Nor do I even feel like being bothered with relationships. So, I must agree with the quote...and acknowledge my journey of healing to be a great feat, if not even impossible.
I've let myself go...even grow; remember I still have a goonie goo goo growing between my legs. I now pull my hair back, more often than usual. I've decided to wear clothes for comfort versus my super cute ensembles, during my outings. AND I've resorted to flats when I go out-Very odd! Because if you follow my blog; you know I LOVE my stilettos! I'm down right mean to any man that tries to talk to me now. And I must say, my attitude toward men in general these days SUCKS!!! I just don't care and don't want to try anymore. None of this is to be concluded that...I'm now bitter and or have no self love. On the contrary!!! I am absolutely not bitter, but better! And I absolutely love myself. My priorities have just changed...and loving or giving love to undeserving men is not important to me anymore!!!
I do however, remember great love and what it felt like... So on my journey, I do I wonder...is there anybody out there?!
Is there anybody out there that can or will make me laugh and smile like he did? Is there anybody out there that can or will love me like he did? Will he care for and take care of me? Will we talk and play? Will we go here, there and no where? Will he pull my card and put me in check when I need to be spanked? Will he spank me?! Is there anybody out there that will hold me at night like he did. Will he look in my eyes and I know what it means? Will he understand my sporadic whims and fluctuations of love making and fucking? Is there anybody out here even deserving of what I have to offer? Will he appreciate me and cherish my heart? Will he know me? Is there any body out there that will love ME?
Is there anybody out there that could help me on my journey of healing? And if he's out there, would I even give him a chance?
I've let myself go...even grow; remember I still have a goonie goo goo growing between my legs. I now pull my hair back, more often than usual. I've decided to wear clothes for comfort versus my super cute ensembles, during my outings. AND I've resorted to flats when I go out-Very odd! Because if you follow my blog; you know I LOVE my stilettos! I'm down right mean to any man that tries to talk to me now. And I must say, my attitude toward men in general these days SUCKS!!! I just don't care and don't want to try anymore. None of this is to be concluded that...I'm now bitter and or have no self love. On the contrary!!! I am absolutely not bitter, but better! And I absolutely love myself. My priorities have just changed...and loving or giving love to undeserving men is not important to me anymore!!!
I do however, remember great love and what it felt like... So on my journey, I do I wonder...is there anybody out there?!
Is there anybody out there that can or will make me laugh and smile like he did? Is there anybody out there that can or will love me like he did? Will he care for and take care of me? Will we talk and play? Will we go here, there and no where? Will he pull my card and put me in check when I need to be spanked? Will he spank me?! Is there anybody out there that will hold me at night like he did. Will he look in my eyes and I know what it means? Will he understand my sporadic whims and fluctuations of love making and fucking? Is there anybody out here even deserving of what I have to offer? Will he appreciate me and cherish my heart? Will he know me? Is there any body out there that will love ME?
Is there anybody out there that could help me on my journey of healing? And if he's out there, would I even give him a chance?
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monogamous Man?!
Is there a such thing as a monogamous man or if men can really be in a monogamous relationship....
***I actually think some men can be and want to be monogamous... but don't know how. I think they want and need companionship in life but just can't seem to get it right. I think the player thing and all the variety has to get old and at the end of the day, being a player I'm sure can be and gets lonely.
I actually think a man can have a really hott, attractive woman with everything he wants type, but still want something else. Because even if with the hotter, more attractive and gives it up more and better, there is always...Temptation! Which should be just that, temptation. The 'wants', the 'feels good' and 'desirable', but that doesn't necessarily mean he has to act on it. Is it really men's egos? Do men really need or have to fuck all the women they can?
And what about the internal?! The emotional and mental make up of a woman?! Who a woman really is and her character make up?! Hmmmm, and do men really look for that woman that has their equal philosophies and morals in life. Or better yet, think about if that woman has their equal sexual desire?!
I think we are all sexual beings and some men are just more than others. Biologically, I don't think men are meant to be monogamous. They are hard wired to find the best mate to propagate our species. And although some species do exhibit monogamous behavior, I believe it is less common in primates overall.
So, I wonder if an open relationship could or would fix some of those relationships that can't handle the monogamy. Does that mean, when you agree to an open relationship that the couple actually just wants to keep their options open for something better. And that the couple is settling until that better comes along?! So, is that couple then not considering that the current is the best?! Hmmm, and what about catching feelings with another person while being in an open relationship? If the open relationship is in place to just keep the couples options open, I suppose I wouldn't recommend hanging around for too long if monogamy isn't going to be an option.
So what is acceptable for a woman to agree or not agree to in her relationship?
And are women then lowering their standards and requiring less of men because they are afraid to lose them? I suppose a lot of women do things out of insecurities and don't want the "possible" good one to get away. But then let him get away with bullshit... with fears of not getting or finding better?! Unfortunately, I think it's hard for women to be truly secure with themselves because men keep us on the fence. I think women are insecure by nature and often measure, compare and compete with other women. Because of and for men. We compare and second guess our looks, worth and physical value's instead of doing it for ourselves.
I actually think commitment and exclusivity mean different things, people seem to intertwine them, which makes relationships difficult. I do however, believe that commitment means a man is ready to be in a relationship... BUT it doesn't necessarily mean he will be exclusive or monogamous, which by definition means...The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time. I think with commitment he just decided to be committed, which by definition means...A pledge or the state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons to one woman. And with the commitment, it's not whether he can be monogamous, it's whether he can admit that he is and will be.
Unfortunately, I just don't think people have old morals anymore...I don't think there is respect for relationships, commitment and exclusivity anymore. What happen to peoples sense of self and self worth? Moreover the importance of love, sex, relationships and what it all really means.
Sooo, with all that blah, blah, blah and blah said...I know I'm a sexual being, I know I have strong sexual desires but doesn't mean I have to go elsewhere if they're not being met at every moment. I absolutely believe in a committed relationship. I'm old fashioned, with old time morals and views on relationships. I love love, I want to grow old with someone. I like being a committed and FAITHFUL person. I refuse to gamble with my health with multiple partners and would hope that my partner feels the same... when it comes down to it, if you love someone, and truly do, why would you want anything else? Sure, the relationship may have it's low points...those ugly, bad and worse times. And sure maybe there are moments of wanting something new, different or whatever, but life and love isn't all about the physical and that's what people don't understand anymore.
Everyone is meant to find their diamond...a monogamous relationship in the rough. Diamonds are rare; but once you find it, you keep it, cherish it...because like diamonds...love is also forever.
***I actually think some men can be and want to be monogamous... but don't know how. I think they want and need companionship in life but just can't seem to get it right. I think the player thing and all the variety has to get old and at the end of the day, being a player I'm sure can be and gets lonely.
I actually think a man can have a really hott, attractive woman with everything he wants type, but still want something else. Because even if with the hotter, more attractive and gives it up more and better, there is always...Temptation! Which should be just that, temptation. The 'wants', the 'feels good' and 'desirable', but that doesn't necessarily mean he has to act on it. Is it really men's egos? Do men really need or have to fuck all the women they can?
And what about the internal?! The emotional and mental make up of a woman?! Who a woman really is and her character make up?! Hmmmm, and do men really look for that woman that has their equal philosophies and morals in life. Or better yet, think about if that woman has their equal sexual desire?!
I think we are all sexual beings and some men are just more than others. Biologically, I don't think men are meant to be monogamous. They are hard wired to find the best mate to propagate our species. And although some species do exhibit monogamous behavior, I believe it is less common in primates overall.
So, I wonder if an open relationship could or would fix some of those relationships that can't handle the monogamy. Does that mean, when you agree to an open relationship that the couple actually just wants to keep their options open for something better. And that the couple is settling until that better comes along?! So, is that couple then not considering that the current is the best?! Hmmm, and what about catching feelings with another person while being in an open relationship? If the open relationship is in place to just keep the couples options open, I suppose I wouldn't recommend hanging around for too long if monogamy isn't going to be an option.
So what is acceptable for a woman to agree or not agree to in her relationship?
And are women then lowering their standards and requiring less of men because they are afraid to lose them? I suppose a lot of women do things out of insecurities and don't want the "possible" good one to get away. But then let him get away with bullshit... with fears of not getting or finding better?! Unfortunately, I think it's hard for women to be truly secure with themselves because men keep us on the fence. I think women are insecure by nature and often measure, compare and compete with other women. Because of and for men. We compare and second guess our looks, worth and physical value's instead of doing it for ourselves.
I actually think commitment and exclusivity mean different things, people seem to intertwine them, which makes relationships difficult. I do however, believe that commitment means a man is ready to be in a relationship... BUT it doesn't necessarily mean he will be exclusive or monogamous, which by definition means...The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time. I think with commitment he just decided to be committed, which by definition means...A pledge or the state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons to one woman. And with the commitment, it's not whether he can be monogamous, it's whether he can admit that he is and will be.
Unfortunately, I just don't think people have old morals anymore...I don't think there is respect for relationships, commitment and exclusivity anymore. What happen to peoples sense of self and self worth? Moreover the importance of love, sex, relationships and what it all really means.
Sooo, with all that blah, blah, blah and blah said...I know I'm a sexual being, I know I have strong sexual desires but doesn't mean I have to go elsewhere if they're not being met at every moment. I absolutely believe in a committed relationship. I'm old fashioned, with old time morals and views on relationships. I love love, I want to grow old with someone. I like being a committed and FAITHFUL person. I refuse to gamble with my health with multiple partners and would hope that my partner feels the same... when it comes down to it, if you love someone, and truly do, why would you want anything else? Sure, the relationship may have it's low points...those ugly, bad and worse times. And sure maybe there are moments of wanting something new, different or whatever, but life and love isn't all about the physical and that's what people don't understand anymore.
Everyone is meant to find their diamond...a monogamous relationship in the rough. Diamonds are rare; but once you find it, you keep it, cherish it...because like diamonds...love is also forever.
Monday, May 10, 2010
wanna FUCK my friends
I have a very small number of friends and an even smaller number of female friends. For the few female friends I have, I would say they are pretty women. And it seems my men agree...
My ex husband tried to fuck two of my really good friends. He denies it to this day, but I don't believe him. The "real" story, I heard from my friends and their men and another third party. Their stories all made more sense then my ex's bullshit ass lie.
I also believe, No, know that "my lover" fucked a few of my friends. His story, was also bullshit. Hence, the short lived "romance". And to no surprise, I've learned that there may have been an opportunity for yet another...fuck my friend. Of course everybodies stories are conflicting, but there was obviously someones intentions...
What the hell goes through a mans head when he decides he wants to step to his girls friend. Why do men find this ok and acceptable. Whether your relationship is going through a rough patch or not, it is NEVER OK for a man to consider being with his girls friend. It is NEVER OK for your friend to be put in that situation, it's NEVER OK for your man to put your girl in that situation and it's NEVER OK for your man to be in that situation.
I will not befriend ugly woman, to avoid my man wanting to sleep with her. I will also never under estimate the thought process of my man wanting to be with one of my cute friends.... Someone told me, not to be so tough on the guy that I should consider the "friend" as well. Good point, however...the situation has presented itself one too many times. Same situation, different men, same cute friends = same BULLSHIT! I can't help but believe that the man is at fault. I have SEVERE trust issues.
Why do I have to think about all those things?
My ex husband tried to fuck two of my really good friends. He denies it to this day, but I don't believe him. The "real" story, I heard from my friends and their men and another third party. Their stories all made more sense then my ex's bullshit ass lie.
I also believe, No, know that "my lover" fucked a few of my friends. His story, was also bullshit. Hence, the short lived "romance". And to no surprise, I've learned that there may have been an opportunity for yet another...fuck my friend. Of course everybodies stories are conflicting, but there was obviously someones intentions...
What the hell goes through a mans head when he decides he wants to step to his girls friend. Why do men find this ok and acceptable. Whether your relationship is going through a rough patch or not, it is NEVER OK for a man to consider being with his girls friend. It is NEVER OK for your friend to be put in that situation, it's NEVER OK for your man to put your girl in that situation and it's NEVER OK for your man to be in that situation.
I will not befriend ugly woman, to avoid my man wanting to sleep with her. I will also never under estimate the thought process of my man wanting to be with one of my cute friends.... Someone told me, not to be so tough on the guy that I should consider the "friend" as well. Good point, however...the situation has presented itself one too many times. Same situation, different men, same cute friends = same BULLSHIT! I can't help but believe that the man is at fault. I have SEVERE trust issues.
Why do I have to think about all those things?
Saturday, April 24, 2010
To SHAVE or NOT tO shave
As a teen, we begin to pay close attention when our breast Begin to develop and notice the fine hairs growing on our vajayjays. These developments put girls into woman status. And for as long as I've had pubic hair, I've kept my area tidy...being sure that it didn't peek through my panties on the sides. As I got older I even got a little creative. I tried the pub hawk, the landing strip with the arrow and the Bermuda triangle. But I was always more comfortable with more hair, then less.
Until, I got older. Once I became grown and sexy, I learned that less was more. And that men liked a clean poonanee (in all senses of the word). I even had friends that were wax gurus, but I was always too scared to actually do it. But one day, I did try it...and LOVED it! And became a true fan and advocate of the Brazilian wax. No itchy grow back and it last for weeks. THEN....the economy hit, so I had to stop. *crying*
However, though I no longer wax, I do still keep my little lady well groomed...UNTIL!!!! By special request my boo asked me not to shave...HMMMMM, though there were many thoughts behind this request, I happily obliged and haven't shaved in almost 2 months. Well let me edit that...I have shaved the attempted wholly mammoth that tried to grow between and down my legs. But I currently do in fact have a big foot down there.... LMAO!!!! I haven't had this much hair on my pussy in years!!! And funny thing, is I'm cool. I like not having to deal with the itchy grow back, the ingrown hairs and I like the grown woman look.
So, a funny situation ensued...my boo and I were about to have relations and I was lets say very self conscious. I hadn't really thought about the wild amazon that had been growing down there until the moment he touched my panties. But since by his request, he seemed thrilled to feel the goonie goo that has replaced his once perfectly pruned garden, we kept it moving. But I was still feeling a kinda way. I mean, I can grow it till I'm a full fledged orangutan, but it's something about letting him see it that way that makes me wince.
Silly I know, but hey he likes it and I'm cool...so I love it...less work for me.
I mean as a teen I was happy with my afro that grew in my special place...it meant I was a woman, well growing up at least. And I was always comfortable with hair. So, just because...some new fade of pubescent naked and bare adult snatch hit the scene, I didn't have to join the ranks. I forgot the 'be a leader not a follower' quote. LOL.
Hmmmmm, Let's see how long it takes for me to become full cave woman. LMAOROTF!!!!
Until, I got older. Once I became grown and sexy, I learned that less was more. And that men liked a clean poonanee (in all senses of the word). I even had friends that were wax gurus, but I was always too scared to actually do it. But one day, I did try it...and LOVED it! And became a true fan and advocate of the Brazilian wax. No itchy grow back and it last for weeks. THEN....the economy hit, so I had to stop. *crying*
However, though I no longer wax, I do still keep my little lady well groomed...UNTIL!!!! By special request my boo asked me not to shave...HMMMMM, though there were many thoughts behind this request, I happily obliged and haven't shaved in almost 2 months. Well let me edit that...I have shaved the attempted wholly mammoth that tried to grow between and down my legs. But I currently do in fact have a big foot down there.... LMAO!!!! I haven't had this much hair on my pussy in years!!! And funny thing, is I'm cool. I like not having to deal with the itchy grow back, the ingrown hairs and I like the grown woman look.
So, a funny situation ensued...my boo and I were about to have relations and I was lets say very self conscious. I hadn't really thought about the wild amazon that had been growing down there until the moment he touched my panties. But since by his request, he seemed thrilled to feel the goonie goo that has replaced his once perfectly pruned garden, we kept it moving. But I was still feeling a kinda way. I mean, I can grow it till I'm a full fledged orangutan, but it's something about letting him see it that way that makes me wince.
Silly I know, but hey he likes it and I'm cool...so I love it...less work for me.
I mean as a teen I was happy with my afro that grew in my special place...it meant I was a woman, well growing up at least. And I was always comfortable with hair. So, just because...some new fade of pubescent naked and bare adult snatch hit the scene, I didn't have to join the ranks. I forgot the 'be a leader not a follower' quote. LOL.
Hmmmmm, Let's see how long it takes for me to become full cave woman. LMAOROTF!!!!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Stamina-Rx
I recently lost my check card, so I've had to use cash lately. I actually had to go into a gas station and pay for gas. I only mention this because, while in a gas station I noticed all the products they sell at the counter besides gum cigarettes and condoms. What really caught my eye was the plethora of sexual enhancement pills, specifically Stamina-Rx. Stamina-Rx is a little blue pill, that since it's with all the other sex enhancement pills...I'll just say it's a gas station version of Viagra. Anyway, to put all this into persprective. I never thought about it before. But my guy friend use to have hundreds of packages of them. Like he had stock in it. And I never read what it was (that was way too invasive of privacy) or cared until, I found a few empty packages AND condoms. I made a joke one day about it and he told me it was for energy. Energy for what? I didn't work him out like that...So, YEAH, I bet.
The shit I ignored and was always right in front of my face.....
The shit I ignored and was always right in front of my face.....
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Just Sex
Is it possible for two people that really love each other but are no longer together to just have sex? Can you really separate the two...sex and emotions? Is and was our shit so fucked up that, the only thing we can do at this point is to have "just sex"? We can still laugh, act civil, and be intimate, but we can't seem to make our shit work. The chemistry is CRAZY. The sex is AMAZING! But is that really all? I suppose anyone can have great sex, but can anyone have great chemistry? Does intimacy not mean anything anymore? The kissing, the holding and the wanting and needing to please your partner. Chemistry, intimacy, and love makes really good sex/great sex....PHENOMENAL SEX!!! I mean shit, You can get up and go after really good sex, people pay for great sex and anyone can create an environment of pleasure for just sex. But chemistry?!. It's not just sex!
But if, just sex is what I can get...I'll take it.
But if, just sex is what I can get...I'll take it.
Friday, March 26, 2010
3 Strikes...your out
So I decided! I'm DONE!!! I've been married...FAILED! Had a lover...FAILED! Had the LOVE of my life...FAILED. A girl can only take so much failure, so I'm done!!! And just like that, I CAN and have decided to never give my heart again. I will not fall in, be in or love again. I refuse to set my self up for failure ever again! I'm an over achiever and failure I just can't and won't do again!!!
Funny thing is, I'm the first to say, "I love LOVE", love being in love and support as well as encourage love. I'm a hopeless romantic. Love the candles, roses, bubble baths, kisses on the forehead/neck/cheek, the walks on the beach and all the mushy bullshit too. But I obviously can't seem to get this love thing straight, So, I've decided to never love again!!! Relationships and love are for the birds. I can't keep giving and trying to be the best...wife, lover, girlfriend...whatever for my health any more!!! I know I'm a damn good woman, and for the 3 that let me get away... YOUR BAD!!! YOUR LOSS!!!
I will admit my faults (for we all have them), my mistakes (for we all make them) but mine were No worse than the faults and mistakes made unto me. I will not be responsible, for the breakdowns in my relationships. I may have fucked up, but his fuck ups were much worse. I may have lied, but his lies were the WORST! And at the end of the day, I will not be the blame for these fuckin men's inability to give me what I want, need, and deserve!
I want to be loved and made love to. I want him to know me...I want him to know my likes and dislikes. Know when I'm happy, mad, or sad. Know what the tone in my voice means. Know when I'm trying hard to make his day, or make him smile and keep him happy. I don't want to be someone else around him, because I'm afraid he will judge or hold it against me later. I want and need him to know that I want and need his love, affection and attention-that his text, e-mails and calls are the highlight of my day (yeah, I may get others...but they mean SHIT!). I need him to know that I need his daily words of support and encouragement. I need him to know that I want and need to be in his arms at night. I need him to know that I am a priority, NOT an option. I need him to know that when I say, "I'm gonna go", I want him to say "I want you to stay"! Because, I know we will argue, who doesn't? It's human nature. It would be un-natural not to. But, I'm also gonna need him to put me in my place sometimes, because I know I get SHARP about the tongue sometimes.
I need him to know that my goodies are only his goodies! And that I only move like that for him...I want him to know what it means when my eyes roll back in my head, what my high pitched sigh means, or what the arch in my back is about when he makes love to me. He will know when I'm in the mood and He will be happy that he is the only one to satisfy me.
I mean hey, I'm a love love kinda girl and I deserED those things. But they're not gonna ever happen. I've given up!!! I will look no more or ever again. I don't think there's a man out there, or that there is a man that can or will ever love me like that! So, I'm DONE!
I'm no longer delusional about my Prince Charming, Knight and Shinning Armor or My Tarzan. For me, he doesn't fucking exist. I've given up on my fantasy. That fairytale was just bullshit. I've awaken from that dream! I'm no longer delusional about what it means to be faithful, exclusive and monogamous. I'm no longer delusional about men's ability to NOT cheat. There's been and is currently a new phenomenon and philosophy of open relationships and marriages... Poly-relationships?!?! WTF!?!? So, why should I continue to live in oblivion? I won't! I'm no longer delusional about what a man wants and needs. I'm no longer delusional. I refuse to be! I refuse to fail again!
So, I love sports... with football you need a 1st down (a few 1st downs), then a touch down...the team with the most touchdowns wins. Basketball-a good layup, some free throws, three pointer a few slam dunks, and the team with the most points wins and I also know alittle about baseball...1st base, second base third...maybe a home run...after 9 innings the team with the most points wins. BUT!!!! I also know, that in baseball...3 strikes and your out!!!! So, for me...GAME OVER!!!
Funny thing is, I'm the first to say, "I love LOVE", love being in love and support as well as encourage love. I'm a hopeless romantic. Love the candles, roses, bubble baths, kisses on the forehead/neck/cheek, the walks on the beach and all the mushy bullshit too. But I obviously can't seem to get this love thing straight, So, I've decided to never love again!!! Relationships and love are for the birds. I can't keep giving and trying to be the best...wife, lover, girlfriend...whatever for my health any more!!! I know I'm a damn good woman, and for the 3 that let me get away... YOUR BAD!!! YOUR LOSS!!!
I will admit my faults (for we all have them), my mistakes (for we all make them) but mine were No worse than the faults and mistakes made unto me. I will not be responsible, for the breakdowns in my relationships. I may have fucked up, but his fuck ups were much worse. I may have lied, but his lies were the WORST! And at the end of the day, I will not be the blame for these fuckin men's inability to give me what I want, need, and deserve!
I want to be loved and made love to. I want him to know me...I want him to know my likes and dislikes. Know when I'm happy, mad, or sad. Know what the tone in my voice means. Know when I'm trying hard to make his day, or make him smile and keep him happy. I don't want to be someone else around him, because I'm afraid he will judge or hold it against me later. I want and need him to know that I want and need his love, affection and attention-that his text, e-mails and calls are the highlight of my day (yeah, I may get others...but they mean SHIT!). I need him to know that I need his daily words of support and encouragement. I need him to know that I want and need to be in his arms at night. I need him to know that I am a priority, NOT an option. I need him to know that when I say, "I'm gonna go", I want him to say "I want you to stay"! Because, I know we will argue, who doesn't? It's human nature. It would be un-natural not to. But, I'm also gonna need him to put me in my place sometimes, because I know I get SHARP about the tongue sometimes.
I need him to know that my goodies are only his goodies! And that I only move like that for him...I want him to know what it means when my eyes roll back in my head, what my high pitched sigh means, or what the arch in my back is about when he makes love to me. He will know when I'm in the mood and He will be happy that he is the only one to satisfy me.
I mean hey, I'm a love love kinda girl and I deserED those things. But they're not gonna ever happen. I've given up!!! I will look no more or ever again. I don't think there's a man out there, or that there is a man that can or will ever love me like that! So, I'm DONE!
I'm no longer delusional about my Prince Charming, Knight and Shinning Armor or My Tarzan. For me, he doesn't fucking exist. I've given up on my fantasy. That fairytale was just bullshit. I've awaken from that dream! I'm no longer delusional about what it means to be faithful, exclusive and monogamous. I'm no longer delusional about men's ability to NOT cheat. There's been and is currently a new phenomenon and philosophy of open relationships and marriages... Poly-relationships?!?! WTF!?!? So, why should I continue to live in oblivion? I won't! I'm no longer delusional about what a man wants and needs. I'm no longer delusional. I refuse to be! I refuse to fail again!
So, I love sports... with football you need a 1st down (a few 1st downs), then a touch down...the team with the most touchdowns wins. Basketball-a good layup, some free throws, three pointer a few slam dunks, and the team with the most points wins and I also know alittle about baseball...1st base, second base third...maybe a home run...after 9 innings the team with the most points wins. BUT!!!! I also know, that in baseball...3 strikes and your out!!!! So, for me...GAME OVER!!!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Texts Messages
I read his text messages. Ever single one. I hate that I did, because when you look you will definitely find something...I didn't want to know the truth. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
He would text when we were together... "thinking of u", "wish u were here", "where u @?", "what's up w/ u later" etc. Oh, and then there were the good old sexts...they were all pretty explicit and detailed... Why? Was he really thinking of them? Or was it just a game? Did he really wish she was there? Or was it just about getting his dick sucked?
I mean he wouldn't even lie about where he was or what he was doing, just that he wasn't with me. I was so stupid, to think it was just me. And reading them made me feel even more stupid. The missing times, dates, and places began to fall into place. The supposed meetings turned into sexapades and conference calls tuned into phone sex. I was none the wiser.
The model, the bartender, the Ethiopian, the dancer/yoga instructor, the purse designer/hospital supervisor, the one who loved to give head, the one who loved it in her ass... And so many more...wish I would've read the text messages ALOT sooner!!!!
He would text when we were together... "thinking of u", "wish u were here", "where u @?", "what's up w/ u later" etc. Oh, and then there were the good old sexts...they were all pretty explicit and detailed... Why? Was he really thinking of them? Or was it just a game? Did he really wish she was there? Or was it just about getting his dick sucked?
I mean he wouldn't even lie about where he was or what he was doing, just that he wasn't with me. I was so stupid, to think it was just me. And reading them made me feel even more stupid. The missing times, dates, and places began to fall into place. The supposed meetings turned into sexapades and conference calls tuned into phone sex. I was none the wiser.
The model, the bartender, the Ethiopian, the dancer/yoga instructor, the purse designer/hospital supervisor, the one who loved to give head, the one who loved it in her ass... And so many more...wish I would've read the text messages ALOT sooner!!!!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
WhY DO we FiGhT...
AAAARRRGHGHHHHHH, SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING!!!!! I HATE FIGHTING WITH MY BOO!!!!!! WHY THE CONSTANT FIGHT? WHY THE PUSH AND THE PROVOKING? WHY THE WANT OR NEED ME TO HAVE DRAMA? I DON'T WANT OR NEED FUCKING DRAMA. MY LIFE IS WAY TOO VOLATILE, WITHOUT ADDING DRAMA. I LOVE HIS ASS I SWEAR I DO!!! BUT WE ARE REALLY OFF. IT HAS US SO FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW...THAT I DON'T THINK HE'S GONNA MAKE LOVE TO ME WHEN HE GETS BACK INTO TOWN. I'M FEENING SOOOO BAD AND JUST WANT TO BE IN HIS ARMS AND BED. MAD BUT NOT MAD AT THE DICK...
MAYBE, THAT'S WHY I AM, AND GET SO ANNOYED, EASILY PROVOKED....I'M SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED!!! *There is documented research, stating that the lack of sex can have a devastating effect on your emotional and mental state...effects can include but are not limited to, irritability, angry outburst, insecurity, sadness, and withdrawal (sometimes also associated with depression). such effects can lead to uncharacteristic dreams, negative thoughts (and feeling or finding fault with your significant other), separation and possible break-ups* Yep, (I really read numerous articles and watched 2 videos about it) and there in lies MY problem!!!!I TRY TO KEEP IT COOL BUT THEN SNAP. I'M DEFINITELY IN THE IRRITABLE AND ANGRY OUTBURST STAGE.
HMMMM, SO WHAT'S UP WITH HIM???? WHY IS HE SO ANGRY? SHIT WE HAVE ALL THE SPACE IN THE WORLD (ESPECIALLY, SINCE HE'S THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY AND HAS BEEN FOR THE PAST 3 WEEKS). SO, I GUESS, HE'S AT THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND FINDING FAULT STAGE)...I KNOW WE CAN'T ALWAYS BE HAPPY, A FEW FIGHTS HERE AND THERE MAKE SENSE. BUT WHAT ARE WE EVEN FIGHTING ABOUT, IS MY QUESTION?!?!?!?!? I KNOW THERE IS A LOT OF STRESS GOING AROUND, BUT YOU KNOW THEY SAY...SEX CAN DEFINITELY HELP MINIMIZE STRESS!!! SO, I GUESS IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE TIMES :?
ANYWAY....I HATE THAT WE FIGHT. I MISS HIM AND JUST WANT HIM TO COME HOME. THEN WE CAN HAVE MAKE UP SEX :)
MAYBE, THAT'S WHY I AM, AND GET SO ANNOYED, EASILY PROVOKED....I'M SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED!!! *There is documented research, stating that the lack of sex can have a devastating effect on your emotional and mental state...effects can include but are not limited to, irritability, angry outburst, insecurity, sadness, and withdrawal (sometimes also associated with depression). such effects can lead to uncharacteristic dreams, negative thoughts (and feeling or finding fault with your significant other), separation and possible break-ups* Yep, (I really read numerous articles and watched 2 videos about it) and there in lies MY problem!!!!I TRY TO KEEP IT COOL BUT THEN SNAP. I'M DEFINITELY IN THE IRRITABLE AND ANGRY OUTBURST STAGE.
HMMMM, SO WHAT'S UP WITH HIM???? WHY IS HE SO ANGRY? SHIT WE HAVE ALL THE SPACE IN THE WORLD (ESPECIALLY, SINCE HE'S THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY AND HAS BEEN FOR THE PAST 3 WEEKS). SO, I GUESS, HE'S AT THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND FINDING FAULT STAGE)...I KNOW WE CAN'T ALWAYS BE HAPPY, A FEW FIGHTS HERE AND THERE MAKE SENSE. BUT WHAT ARE WE EVEN FIGHTING ABOUT, IS MY QUESTION?!?!?!?!? I KNOW THERE IS A LOT OF STRESS GOING AROUND, BUT YOU KNOW THEY SAY...SEX CAN DEFINITELY HELP MINIMIZE STRESS!!! SO, I GUESS IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE TIMES :?
ANYWAY....I HATE THAT WE FIGHT. I MISS HIM AND JUST WANT HIM TO COME HOME. THEN WE CAN HAVE MAKE UP SEX :)
Monday, March 1, 2010
I Miss Us!!!
When we first met, we seemed inseparable. We had so much fun...he made me so happy. He's tall dark and handsome (just like I like 'em), he's kind, smart, confident, compassionate and all that good stuff we like. He was my Knight in Shinning armor, my Tarzan, my prince Charming...he was just mine. We laughed, we danced (well I did, cause he really can't-but is sooo cute when he does), we traveled, we hung out, we did nothing, we did everything. He introduced me to golf (for real), he made me love modeling again, he gave me flight, (in a single engine plane) he introduced me to sexual liberation, he gave me romance, he gave me lopsided gravity, fresh blueberry pancakes...he gave me LOVE and he gave me joy!!!
After a while things changed. I'm sure it was the news about the permanency of her and what it really meant. I was truly hurt and maybe never really recovered. But I wanted to fight for us and make it work...I wanted it to last, he was my life partner. I didn't want to give up. But throughout the relationship there were also many blowers! There were lies, deception, dishonesty and plain hurtful occasions. Committed on both of our parts. I wish I could do it all again.... I wish I could take all my lies, deception and dishonesty back. I wish I could've been more transparent about so many things...my needs, wants and desires. I would think things could've and would've been different.
The arguments got worse and worse. The inability to talk, paralyzed us. And it's so hard to let go when you want to hold on so bad. And so hard to hold on when you may just need to let go....I've never been one to give up easily, and didn't plan to give up at any point. But then, I started to feel like I was fighting for us, by myself. Things had changed. We had changed. Our love changed.
Not sure if I can ever get us back... but I miss us!!!!
After a while things changed. I'm sure it was the news about the permanency of her and what it really meant. I was truly hurt and maybe never really recovered. But I wanted to fight for us and make it work...I wanted it to last, he was my life partner. I didn't want to give up. But throughout the relationship there were also many blowers! There were lies, deception, dishonesty and plain hurtful occasions. Committed on both of our parts. I wish I could do it all again.... I wish I could take all my lies, deception and dishonesty back. I wish I could've been more transparent about so many things...my needs, wants and desires. I would think things could've and would've been different.
The arguments got worse and worse. The inability to talk, paralyzed us. And it's so hard to let go when you want to hold on so bad. And so hard to hold on when you may just need to let go....I've never been one to give up easily, and didn't plan to give up at any point. But then, I started to feel like I was fighting for us, by myself. Things had changed. We had changed. Our love changed.
Not sure if I can ever get us back... but I miss us!!!!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Snowed in
The DMV (DC, Maryland and Virginia area) has received the most snow in record history. I've been snowed in for 2 weeks. The grocery store shelves are empty, the city shut down and the schools are closed. It's crazy, it was only 50+ inches.... I've been in much worse.
Jokes have hit the news about the number of births that will occur in November, because of all the sex everyone must have been having. Gym memberships have increased because of all the weight some may have gained during the shut in. Some may have even taken advantage of the much needed family time...
I benefited from the latter. My children I and laughed, chatted and had a good time.
I love my children and wouldn't have traded that time. But, why do I still feel incomplete? Something still was missing. And then I thought...I slept alone every night. Got no good snowed in sex.
BRRRRR, so cold in here.
Jokes have hit the news about the number of births that will occur in November, because of all the sex everyone must have been having. Gym memberships have increased because of all the weight some may have gained during the shut in. Some may have even taken advantage of the much needed family time...
I benefited from the latter. My children I and laughed, chatted and had a good time.
I love my children and wouldn't have traded that time. But, why do I still feel incomplete? Something still was missing. And then I thought...I slept alone every night. Got no good snowed in sex.
BRRRRR, so cold in here.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Out of the Blue AGAIN!!!!!
And like clock work... My boo is outta town, hmmph but we're not talking.........
The want and need for some form of communication drives me crazy. I hate when we don't communicate at all. My mind only wonders to what he is doing in my absence. I anger feeling that he can so easily dismiss me. Then I remember what he says often, "Do you, be happy, and have fun" when he is away. But I know he doesn't really mean it. I fight with my inner bad girl that says, let's go out...but I don't.
Then, out of the blue...the chime of my cell phone. I get excited thinking it's him-my boo. But NO, it's...The one, that could and use to make me weak in the knees. AGAIN. How the hell does he do that? How does he know when I may be slightly vulnerable? How does he know when I need attention and communication? How does he just pop up out of the blue. With a text... "thinkn bout u"
Knowing I should ignore his text like usual and I shouldn't even entertain his bs...but because I wanted the attention and craved the communication, I respond, "wow! hey stranger. long time no chat. u must be in town?!
"no, not in town. u were just on my mind. lets go to sb."
I was very happy to know he wasn't in town, this would make the texting easy. But he knew I had no idea what sb was and this would allow our conversation to linger. So I take the bait and ask. "What's sb? & Y do u want me 2 go? What and where ever sb is...take ur grlfren."
"sb, Superbowl silly. We have good memories in MIA."
"LOL"
I don't know what Miami trip he was referring to, but we did NOT have a good trip, or have good memories and I hated that he joked about a wasted good trip...
"u must have the wrong grl, we did not have fun- we fought the whole time there. REMEMBER?!"
"yeah maybe, but the sex was good." And there in lies the REAL reason for the text...the sex. I was so annoyed that he wasn't just texting to say what's up. And though a trip to the Super Bowl would be really fun...I woke up out my silly need for attention and gathered my composure...happy that he still had NO effect on me and responded...
"dude, wud luv 2 be in the MIA rite now, but not w/ u. that's not 4 us anymore...it was nice chat'n w/ ya" and sent him back into the blue.
(he responded but I ignored the rest of the text)
The want and need for some form of communication drives me crazy. I hate when we don't communicate at all. My mind only wonders to what he is doing in my absence. I anger feeling that he can so easily dismiss me. Then I remember what he says often, "Do you, be happy, and have fun" when he is away. But I know he doesn't really mean it. I fight with my inner bad girl that says, let's go out...but I don't.
Then, out of the blue...the chime of my cell phone. I get excited thinking it's him-my boo. But NO, it's...The one, that could and use to make me weak in the knees. AGAIN. How the hell does he do that? How does he know when I may be slightly vulnerable? How does he know when I need attention and communication? How does he just pop up out of the blue. With a text... "thinkn bout u"
Knowing I should ignore his text like usual and I shouldn't even entertain his bs...but because I wanted the attention and craved the communication, I respond, "wow! hey stranger. long time no chat. u must be in town?!
"no, not in town. u were just on my mind. lets go to sb."
I was very happy to know he wasn't in town, this would make the texting easy. But he knew I had no idea what sb was and this would allow our conversation to linger. So I take the bait and ask. "What's sb? & Y do u want me 2 go? What and where ever sb is...take ur grlfren."
"sb, Superbowl silly. We have good memories in MIA."
"LOL"
I don't know what Miami trip he was referring to, but we did NOT have a good trip, or have good memories and I hated that he joked about a wasted good trip...
"u must have the wrong grl, we did not have fun- we fought the whole time there. REMEMBER?!"
"yeah maybe, but the sex was good." And there in lies the REAL reason for the text...the sex. I was so annoyed that he wasn't just texting to say what's up. And though a trip to the Super Bowl would be really fun...I woke up out my silly need for attention and gathered my composure...happy that he still had NO effect on me and responded...
"dude, wud luv 2 be in the MIA rite now, but not w/ u. that's not 4 us anymore...it was nice chat'n w/ ya" and sent him back into the blue.
(he responded but I ignored the rest of the text)
Friday, January 29, 2010
Long Distant Relationship(s)
After my ex husband and I graduated from High School, we both headed to colleges in different states. He headed to Houston Texas and I to Washington DC. Our freshman year we saw each other a total of 3 times (once during homecoming-October, again during the Holiday break-December, and again in the Spring-March) So our phone bills were ridiculous-there were no cell phones then (to text) or e-mail. We did the long distant thing off and on for over 6 years.
During those years he did his thing, and boy did he. While on my side of the U.S. I went to school (full time), worked (full time) and took care of the kids. I had my eye on the prize...to finish school and do the family thing-be a good mom and eventually wife.
Yeah, fast forward present day... I'm in another semi-long distant relationship. Semi because we actually live in the same state, but he rolls out for like 2 weeks every month. Anyway, I'm struggling. Struggling because I don't want to do this bullshit again!!!! Long distant relationships = he gets to do him, while I be good because I'm suppose to. Long distant relationships=trust issues multiplied times 10 and the need for the best communication, love would have to offer...WE struggle with both. GRRRRRR!
Oh yeah and he needs to go to SEX ADDICTS ANONYMOUS and I suppose I need to go to ATTENTION DEFICIT ANONYMOUS. We have our issues...But which is worse though? That he can't be exclusive and keep his dick to himself? Or that I just want to know I'm loved, cherished and adored? That a few calls, some text messages and or e-mails can and will keep me happy and afloat until I see him in a few weeks? I know I can contain myself and wait until he's back in town but his ass can't! And I don't think he he even knows how... And honestly, I think his inability to be exclusive and just be with me under the circumstances is just silly. But is it really too much to ask?
Long distant relationships= heart ache! Long distant relationships= THIS SHIT IS HARD!!! Guess, I haven't learned my lesson...
During those years he did his thing, and boy did he. While on my side of the U.S. I went to school (full time), worked (full time) and took care of the kids. I had my eye on the prize...to finish school and do the family thing-be a good mom and eventually wife.
Yeah, fast forward present day... I'm in another semi-long distant relationship. Semi because we actually live in the same state, but he rolls out for like 2 weeks every month. Anyway, I'm struggling. Struggling because I don't want to do this bullshit again!!!! Long distant relationships = he gets to do him, while I be good because I'm suppose to. Long distant relationships=trust issues multiplied times 10 and the need for the best communication, love would have to offer...WE struggle with both. GRRRRRR!
Oh yeah and he needs to go to SEX ADDICTS ANONYMOUS and I suppose I need to go to ATTENTION DEFICIT ANONYMOUS. We have our issues...But which is worse though? That he can't be exclusive and keep his dick to himself? Or that I just want to know I'm loved, cherished and adored? That a few calls, some text messages and or e-mails can and will keep me happy and afloat until I see him in a few weeks? I know I can contain myself and wait until he's back in town but his ass can't! And I don't think he he even knows how... And honestly, I think his inability to be exclusive and just be with me under the circumstances is just silly. But is it really too much to ask?
Long distant relationships= heart ache! Long distant relationships= THIS SHIT IS HARD!!! Guess, I haven't learned my lesson...
Monday, January 25, 2010
Just a FuCk
It's in the back of my mind. It's that sick feeling in my stomach. It's the I know the truth but don't want to KNOW the truth. But, I ask the question.... "So, are you fucking someone?" The pause, the squirm, the body shift, the uncomfortable look in his eyes and then the answer.
"It's just a fuck"
Wow. That shit hits me like a brick to the head!!!! I knew but didn't want to know!
So, am I mad? Do I get angry? Nope...JUST HURT!!!! Disappointed!!! Frustrated! Why?! Why really isn't the question. I know why....he loves sex, needs his dick sucked. I guess we had that conversation? But I guess, what I thought it all meant-was something else.
But what does hurt is that, if it were me saying "It was just a fuck" he'd be crushed!!!! How dare I just fuck? But he can and does. Sex, Love making, just fucking-when you share that with someone other than the person you love and or care about you giving up a special piece of who you are! Does he care? Does he care that as he Just fucks...a piece of me dies each time.
Just a fuck?!?! WTF!!!
"It's just a fuck"
Wow. That shit hits me like a brick to the head!!!! I knew but didn't want to know!
So, am I mad? Do I get angry? Nope...JUST HURT!!!! Disappointed!!! Frustrated! Why?! Why really isn't the question. I know why....he loves sex, needs his dick sucked. I guess we had that conversation? But I guess, what I thought it all meant-was something else.
But what does hurt is that, if it were me saying "It was just a fuck" he'd be crushed!!!! How dare I just fuck? But he can and does. Sex, Love making, just fucking-when you share that with someone other than the person you love and or care about you giving up a special piece of who you are! Does he care? Does he care that as he Just fucks...a piece of me dies each time.
Just a fuck?!?! WTF!!!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I wonder
I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned. I thought about and tried to please myself but was unsuccessful. Haven't had sex since my birthday...and that sex was that good shit too. That mind blowing, slap yo mamma, can give a fuck about any other nigga in the world that steps to me sex. So maybe I'm alittle sexually frustrated. And I laid there and began to wonder....
What is he doing right now? Who is he with. He can't be sleeping alone. Who is he laying with? How he met me? How much does he like her? Did she just give him head. If he gave her oral pleasure. And I wonder if he gives it to her like he did me. And I wonder if he kisses her and looks her in her eyes. If his strokes are long and soft or short and hard. Is it just a fuck or is he making love to her? I know he's talking that nasty dirty talk, wonder if he calls her ALL the names he calls me. Wonder if he pulls her hair and chokes her. Probably wanted to take the ass. I wonder if he tells her how good it is and cums in pure happiness. I hope his ass used and is using condoms! I wish he wouldn't and wasn't. But I often wonder.
What is he doing right now? Who is he with. He can't be sleeping alone. Who is he laying with? How he met me? How much does he like her? Did she just give him head. If he gave her oral pleasure. And I wonder if he gives it to her like he did me. And I wonder if he kisses her and looks her in her eyes. If his strokes are long and soft or short and hard. Is it just a fuck or is he making love to her? I know he's talking that nasty dirty talk, wonder if he calls her ALL the names he calls me. Wonder if he pulls her hair and chokes her. Probably wanted to take the ass. I wonder if he tells her how good it is and cums in pure happiness. I hope his ass used and is using condoms! I wish he wouldn't and wasn't. But I often wonder.
Monday, December 7, 2009
He'll Never Believe
As many times as I've told my guy friend, I've only been with this amount of men...he'll never believe. He'll never believe that sex means more to me than a fuck. He'll never believe that what I do with and for him is ONLY for him, I don't do for ANYONE! He'll never believe that intimacy, love making-sex...is very special and means something to me. He'll never believe that I don't share or want to share that level of intimacy with anyone, but the man I love-him. He'll never believe that I don't put myself out there like that. He'll never believe that I respect myself-WAY TOO MUCH and more than just allowing some man to benefit from my goodies. He'll never believe that I'm terrified of diseases and my goodies are so sensitive that we see STD's coming, so we stay the hell away. He'll never believe that not allowing random men to get to me like that makes me feel good about me. He'll never believe that there are really women out there that care more about themselves and their bodies then people think. He'll never believe that I'm just not promiscuous, that I like the chase and not the act.
But what he does believe, is that I have the good good and can't bear to believe that I've given it to someone at all.
So, he'll never believe that I trust him enough to know that he can ever be faithful......
But what he does believe, is that I have the good good and can't bear to believe that I've given it to someone at all.
So, he'll never believe that I trust him enough to know that he can ever be faithful......
Saturday, November 28, 2009
My Neighbor
The day I unloaded the UHaul truck, to move into my new house I met my neighbor. Well, actually we only spoke pleasantries. I never got his name and he never brought me the welcome to the neighborhood cake. We always waved in passing but never had more than 5 real words to each other. The basic... "Hey" "How are you?" "Beautiful day. Gonna wash your car?" "Have a good day." That lasted for almost 2 years.
I've since learned his name, that he met his wife in the DR, they have no children-only a really cute dog and that he works and then works out (I suppose he does have a nice body). But, had it not been for a short term house guest, I may have never learned that much. It seems my house guest and him became friendly during her stay. They would chat and hang out when I wasn't home. After finally being actually introduced, we would chat from across our yards. Every once in awhile, we would chat in one of our yards. I provide all this background to lead up to the issue...my neighbor likes me. No, he wants to sleep with me. His intentions are and would not be to court, date, chill, hang, or attempt to be with me-he just wants to fuck.
We've hung out twice. The 1st time was the (basic married man's/prep cheating) sob story about his marriage. Blah, blah, blah. I was ok with this very neighborly type hangout and felt that we could be cool. I figured everybody needs someone to talk to-a friend, when you need to talk , vent or cry. HOWEVER, the in passings became..."we should hang out" (wink, wink), comments about my boyfriend's car(s) ("still rolling with him and not me huh?"), comments about me, "Damn, you looking good today" and questions, "When you gonna let me 'take care of you'". I ignored the inappropriateness and just charged it to a man flirting. But the 2nd time we hung out (over drinks) it was a full blown conversation about what he wanted to do to me-How he wanted to beat it and eat it up. WOW Neighbor!?!?
Now, don't get me wrong. I liked the every once in a while flirty comments...the you look cute today" ones-it's good for my ego. I didn't mind being a friend/a shoulder when he was whinning about his cheating wife. And the beat it eat it conversation was interesting, but, I wasn't and am absolutely not interested. Which got me to thinking.... Do you really have sex with your married neighbor?!?! I mean everything about that is very wrong and very bad!!! He's married! The sex could be good or bad (for me or for him), either way the ramifications of either couldn't be good. The possibiloities of that bullshit would be endless.
I've since...stopped landscapping my yard...I get Juan to do that. I don't take out my trash...I get my son to do that and I only leave the house when it's dark. Because at the end of the day. I don't want my house burnt down.
I've since learned his name, that he met his wife in the DR, they have no children-only a really cute dog and that he works and then works out (I suppose he does have a nice body). But, had it not been for a short term house guest, I may have never learned that much. It seems my house guest and him became friendly during her stay. They would chat and hang out when I wasn't home. After finally being actually introduced, we would chat from across our yards. Every once in awhile, we would chat in one of our yards. I provide all this background to lead up to the issue...my neighbor likes me. No, he wants to sleep with me. His intentions are and would not be to court, date, chill, hang, or attempt to be with me-he just wants to fuck.
We've hung out twice. The 1st time was the (basic married man's/prep cheating) sob story about his marriage. Blah, blah, blah. I was ok with this very neighborly type hangout and felt that we could be cool. I figured everybody needs someone to talk to-a friend, when you need to talk , vent or cry. HOWEVER, the in passings became..."we should hang out" (wink, wink), comments about my boyfriend's car(s) ("still rolling with him and not me huh?"), comments about me, "Damn, you looking good today" and questions, "When you gonna let me 'take care of you'". I ignored the inappropriateness and just charged it to a man flirting. But the 2nd time we hung out (over drinks) it was a full blown conversation about what he wanted to do to me-How he wanted to beat it and eat it up. WOW Neighbor!?!?
Now, don't get me wrong. I liked the every once in a while flirty comments...the you look cute today" ones-it's good for my ego. I didn't mind being a friend/a shoulder when he was whinning about his cheating wife. And the beat it eat it conversation was interesting, but, I wasn't and am absolutely not interested. Which got me to thinking.... Do you really have sex with your married neighbor?!?! I mean everything about that is very wrong and very bad!!! He's married! The sex could be good or bad (for me or for him), either way the ramifications of either couldn't be good. The possibiloities of that bullshit would be endless.
I've since...stopped landscapping my yard...I get Juan to do that. I don't take out my trash...I get my son to do that and I only leave the house when it's dark. Because at the end of the day. I don't want my house burnt down.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Cool with the EX
Is it really possible to be cool with your ex? Is hanging out platonically actually doable? I can confidently say yes, but only for myself. You see, I haven't been in love with my ex for YEARS!!! I'm not attracted to him in anyway and I barely like him. So sex thoughts NEVER cross my mind...I didn't necessarily like it when I was with him then so I'm more than positive I won't like it now. But don't get me wrong, I care about him deeply, but have no interest in rekindling anything at any point. We are just cool.
So, it's funny to hear that all his current girlfriends are concerned about us being cool. They seem extremely jealous and overly insecure about me. I get that I'm the mother of his children, we have history and I happen to still look as good as I did 15 years ago if not better now. And of course, no one can ever hold a match to me in being able to really be the one he truly loves. But hey, I digress.
My thought however is, who she/they should really be more worried about is him....I get that he still loves, wants to be with me, blah, blah, blah. I'm the mother of his children and still hott, blah, blah, blah. We still can make each other laugh and have a good time together blah, blah, blah. Did I already say and I'm still cute? LMAO!(I'm feeling myself today...good therapy session, glass of wine, oh and I have my lip gloss and heals on today):) But I reiterate...that's not for us anymore. Additionally, not only is he still trying very hard to reconcile, he is also still very hard at work in his old habits of entertaining several woman. He now feels comfortable to do it right in front of me.... So why is it me, that she/they are so concerned about? HMMMMMMM,
So is it hypocritical to question my guy friends relationships with his ex(es)? Is it wrong that my gut tells me 'bullshit' that he is no longer attracted to her/them and or that they are not or haven't been intimate? Does it make sense that I'm completely insecure that his ex(es) are sexy, successful and may have pleased him sexually better than I ever did? Is it crazy when he tells me, that none of those relationships are for him, not interested in reconciliation for any of them,that he is not attracted to them and that they are just cool?! Hmmm, he's just cool with his ex my ass... They still talk (probably more than we do) and text and e-mail too for that matter. They hang more than we do. Shit, their actually more of a couple than we are...Yeah, cool with his ex.
So, it's funny to hear that all his current girlfriends are concerned about us being cool. They seem extremely jealous and overly insecure about me. I get that I'm the mother of his children, we have history and I happen to still look as good as I did 15 years ago if not better now. And of course, no one can ever hold a match to me in being able to really be the one he truly loves. But hey, I digress.
My thought however is, who she/they should really be more worried about is him....I get that he still loves, wants to be with me, blah, blah, blah. I'm the mother of his children and still hott, blah, blah, blah. We still can make each other laugh and have a good time together blah, blah, blah. Did I already say and I'm still cute? LMAO!(I'm feeling myself today...good therapy session, glass of wine, oh and I have my lip gloss and heals on today):) But I reiterate...that's not for us anymore. Additionally, not only is he still trying very hard to reconcile, he is also still very hard at work in his old habits of entertaining several woman. He now feels comfortable to do it right in front of me.... So why is it me, that she/they are so concerned about? HMMMMMMM,
So is it hypocritical to question my guy friends relationships with his ex(es)? Is it wrong that my gut tells me 'bullshit' that he is no longer attracted to her/them and or that they are not or haven't been intimate? Does it make sense that I'm completely insecure that his ex(es) are sexy, successful and may have pleased him sexually better than I ever did? Is it crazy when he tells me, that none of those relationships are for him, not interested in reconciliation for any of them,that he is not attracted to them and that they are just cool?! Hmmm, he's just cool with his ex my ass... They still talk (probably more than we do) and text and e-mail too for that matter. They hang more than we do. Shit, their actually more of a couple than we are...Yeah, cool with his ex.
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