New Therapy

So, my road trip has driven me to South Carolina. An eight hour drive (I didn't drive straight through) and worth it!!!! I'm using my Marriott points and staying at one of the resorts here. I'm gonna use all my points...to eat, go to the spa and anything else included in my package. It's beautiful here!!! The weather is great, 80+degrees and the water looks nice (but I probably won't get in it, I'll wear my bikini and look cute, but not swim). I brought my golf clubs, and though I don't "play", I will practice and hit some balls. That sounds VERY FUNNY!!!! And though, it's no where close to South Beach, Myrtle Beach it is.....

The drive was theraputic! And since I haven't seen my therapist in a few weeks now, I may just drive from now on to clear my head. I mean, most of the shit we talked about, I already knew...just never said it outloud, or never wanted to own it. Having an honest, unbiased, nonjudmental opionin or feedback of my thoughts, feelings, actions and experiences in itself was helpful. But, how long could I hold on to such a crutch. I'm a big girl, wearing big girl panties now and know what I need to (well at least should) do. So, though therapy was extremely beneficial and I learned alot about myself...there are some things that NOONE can say, do, or tell you to REALLY deal with this thing called life! And so, with little conflict, I had to break up with my therapist. Driving, is my new therapy outlet. I just nhope I don't wreck. LOL

Emotional Breakdown

There is always that one person that knows how to push your buttons...they know what to do or what to say and how to say it, to send you there. It can be the smallest of things...tone, demeanor, what was said or done, or a combination of them all. The pushing of buttons can creep up in a casual conversation or in the heat of an argument. And as the buttons are pushed, the words slowly send you into a frenzy. You begin to breath slowly, then faster. Your heart rate increases, your legs, foot or hand begins to bounce or tap. You close your eyes and try to hold it all in, but then you snap.

And the anger, rage and frustration ensues. The words start bolting out...they come quickly and uncontrollable. The words are harsh, mean, and not always meant but come out with such potency. All the built up emotions and thoughts of bullshit pierce the silence that has been kept for so long...screaming "Fuck You! Fuck this! Fuck us!"

And the pacing may begin, the packing up of belongings and the tears begin to flow... And you're was there... I was pushed there and I snapped!

I try very hard to shield my venerability, maintain control and protect my sanity and HEART. I love LOVE. I love to give and most definitely love to receive LOVE. I hate having to fight about it. I hate having to prove it and I hate that I keeping having to do both. I also have numerous other internal issues that I know I have to get through. And I think, if I could just conquer the love part, I'm confident the rest would just fall into place. It's really hard not having someone close to just talk and share shit with. But even more difficult to have to deal with all of it alone...all while pretending to always have it together.

And hence, is why I go to therapy...to help me keep all these things in check. I prefer my non-judgmental, non-condescending, sarcastic, nonthreatening and intimidating ear and shoulder. My Dr. doesn't push buttons, but turns knobs. I can say whatever, get it out in the open and analyze my mental state without fear and or rejection. My emotional breakdowns with my Dr. are breakthroughs and I generally feel better after each session. I can scream, cry and/or be happy about what we share and know that I can go back next week and he hasn't held it against me. (Yeah, I suppose because he's getting paid for it. But shit who else do I have?)

So, I had a breakthrough the other day, but not with my Dr. and because I didn't feel better after the session...it just seems like it was an emotional breakdown. :(

Happy Life

1 year ago today, I had major surgery. Could've not been here today. And I'm so blessed and happy to be here, living and enjoying LIFE. Though 2009 has proven to be difficult...with unemployment, bouts of depression, my drinking, emotional set backs, therapy and much much more. Today, I'm happy to be living.

I'm happy and so thankful for my amazing and wonderful children. They are in fact why I fight to live. I'm blessed with beautiful parents, an awesome family and phenomenal friends. I'm blessed to have a home to go to every night and all the amenities. I'm blessed that things can and could be so much worse, but are not.

I have so much more living to do and have only just begun. Things can and will only get and be better.

I am and will have and celebrate... A HAPPY LIFE!!!!

Shoetherapy

So I was having one of those days. Nothing seemed to be going my way. I wasn't feeling well, issues with my boo and it was raining (I dislike the rain very much). So, when a friend needed a favor and I had nothing better to do riding through 3 states didn't seem so bad.

The favor didn't matter anymore when I saw the DSW. The day had just gotten better. My head ache and upset stomach that I had all day was gone. The rain stopped and my boo problems didn't seem to matter. Shoe stores and shoe sections of stores fill me with such joy and delight. I get excited with just the thought of perusing the aisles. The anticipation of finding a cute shoe and the possibility of it being on sale thrills me.

So, on this particular day a pair of new shoes was just what the Dr. ordered. It didn't matter-a sexy stiletto, a pretty little peep toe, a marvelous mary jane, some banging thigh high boots, a sultry strappy sandal...I just needed a new pair, I needed a pick me up-a prescription of elatedness.

My process-I walk slowly down each aisle. I glance at each shoe, pick up the ones that catch my attention, try on the ones that I really like and only purchase the ones that I absolutely love. On sale is preferred but not a required.

And on this day-I found shoes for my friend and a few pair for me. Pure exultantness! Her pair was a cute sexy little black strappy summer Steve Madden sandal-ON SALE and mine was a brown patten leather summer Ralph Lauren sandal, also-ON SALE. An absolutely euphoric day, nothing like shoetherapy.

We all Need Therapy

I actually went to school to become a Dr. To become a psychologist (the other ones prescribe medicine-that's too much responsibility). So I get and understand the importance of talking to someone about your issues. But not just anyone, a trained professional, who can give you real and unbiased feedback.

So, after numerous life crisis...divorce, serious life threatening surgery, unemployment and depression I couldn't pretend to be that strong woman I always portrayed to everybody. I needed a therapist! And needed one quickly or things were only going to get worst...

And I learned...Yep, you guessed it. My ass is CRAZY-like the rest of us. Oh, but it's perfectly normal, so my therapist says. And yep, it's all my mother and fathers fault. Damn parents. LOL.

No but really, I've learned a lot about myself and am growing mentally and emotionally with each session. I would recommend it to everybody. Life brings challenges and we can't always handle them all.

Shit, we all need therapy!