Comfortable

On a Sunday afternoon, a friend and I are chilling and she gets a call (from her boo)... After the call she quickly interrupts our outing and informs me that we had to get back to her house so she could shower and roll out to her boos house. During the phone call, her boo did say that she didn't have to shower and could just shower at his house. She explained that we were together, that my car was at her house and that it only made sense for her to freshen up at her house. I mention that it was a Sunday, because she proceeded to pack an over night bag. She had planned to spend the night and go to work from his house.

Another friend, just recently started seeing this guy. She has spent the night a few times, but quickly runs out of his house early in the morning to avoid the morning breath encounter. I thought this was absolutely hilarious!!!! I had never thought about it before, and actually have no problem kissing my baby in the morning. I think he almost did/does it on purpose... I think it means something. But anyway. So I asked her, why don't you just get a toothbrush. But she is hell bent against it, saying she doesn't want to force anything on him?!?! Hmmmm, So I started thinking... then who gets the toothbrush and when?

Even funnier, One of my very best friends; who happens to be married...still doesn't pass gas in front of her husband. And she uses the bathroom in the basement to take a shit, away from him. HILARIOUS!!!! WTF?!?! I'm thinking to myself 'ya'll are married'... They have shared the most intimate and probably nastiest situations with one another, but she can't flatuate or excremate around him?

And of course All of those scenarios got me to thinking.... *laughing like shit* What is the amount of time that it is OK to shower at your boos house? or yours for that matter? And when is it OK to start bringing a change of clothes? Or leave clothes at their house. Does the boo then get their own drawer and/or closet space? And then what does all that mean? And when is it appropriate to really have a toothbrush at your boos house? If the girl buys it for either house, does it mean she's being too aggressive and moving too fast or just wants either of them to have fresh breath, before that morning kiss. But if he buys the toothbrush or refuses...what does that mean? And last but not least, the whole flatuating and/or excremenating around your boo. When is OK to flatuate around your boo or just the opposite sex for that matter. What about having to REALLY use the bathroom at their house? When is it OK? DO you tell or warn them, to avoid the awkward situation of them walking in after you and taking a whiff?!

As for me...clothes at his house are not a huge deal. I guess having at least a change of underwear is pretty important, but not that serious. I suppose if I know I'm staying and have something really important to do the next day, I may shower and bring a change of clothes or leave really early. However, a toothbrush at his house (to me) has NOTHING to do with rushing things or a commitment. A toothbrush simply means, I want to brush my teeth in the morning! And I try not to pass gas or do #2 around my boo, just don't think it's lady like. But I do think I pass gas in my sleep. *LOL* He's never said anything though, but I think I do. Oh, and it took me over 2 years to actually use the bathroom at his house. It just seemed weird and even to this day... I use the bathroom in the basement.

I mean when are you ever really comfortable?

What HE would get...

I cooked an amazing dinner tonight (what I cooked is not important, just that I did cook a fantabulous meal and can cook like I should be a chef!) And today was a full day...I played taxi for my son, ran my business from my phone, drove a friend all the way to the furthest airport in the area (while chatting about the world cup), grabbed some groceries, consoled a crying friend, Oh and looked really cute while doing it all! Which got me to thinking... what a man would get with me...

And I promise I'm not being conceited, overly confidant, un-humble or DIVAish...just putting my GREAT qualities out there, cause I am in fact talented and blessed-to say the least. So here we go...

I am first and most important, an AMAZING mother! My children are great kids, well behaved, mannerable and smart. Oh and by the way go to phenomenal schools and kicking ass. I provide for them in the most spectacular and effective way that I sometimes have to step back and acknowledge my work. I encourage, motivate, support, discipline and nurture them at all times. They do me proud and I know they will take care of me when I won't be able to. So now that I have the (I would be a/am a) great mom thing outta the way...

I'm smart! Not just book smart with a college education smart, but street smart because I was raised by a crazy single mother (who had her own issues) in the hood, where I had to figure life out at 15. So, being in and from the hood, is comfortable to and for me. And I can handle my own. I obtained my college education while raising 2 kids and later went on to work on my masters. I can talk atoms, algebraic terms, Freud, Socrates, history, politics, and religion...So, smarts...is what I do!!!

I cook; Love to cook and do it well. I'm loyal; cheating is for losers. I clean and keep a clean home. I love sports; will watch and play any of them. And happen to be very competitive. I'm fun and funny; love a good sense of humor and love to laugh. I'm quite adventurous and up and open to whatever is in mind... But will and can also just chill at home. Oh and while at home...I like to please my man!!! take it how you want... I like sex! And happen to be pretty damn good at it too....

I'm a social butterfly and know my way around event planning and having a good time. I enjoy the cultural arts am familiar and enjoy many music genres. LOVE to dance. I'm a hopeless romantic, but fight it; fear of being hurt...so much rather just enjoy the party. I could go on in this area...

I've been told on more than enough occasions I'm attractive. So I guess, I'm cute... tall in height, slender in build. I have long and natural hair, which is quite versatile. I'm fair skin, inviting brown eyes and luscious full lips (so I've been told) and a winning smile. Sexy and confident...Yeah, model type...


So with all that said, I would say what he could get was pretty damn good. And yeah I know, I have issues like the next girl, shit like the next person. I'm not perfect, but who is. My issues are who make me ME! Shit, Love is not perfect, but loving the imperfections in the person you love.

But WOW, my dinner was so amazing I felt like sharing and thought about what he would get if I were his woman.

Yeah, like Beyonce'...Let me upgrade you.

REMEMBERING Jacksonville

The best romantic experience of my life and I remember it like it happen yesterday...

He flew me into Jacksonville. I hadn't always remembered the city, we have been to a lot of places and have had a great time everywhere we went...so the cities sometimes run together. But recently confirmed, it was in fact Jacksonville. Anyway, he wasn't at the airport when I arrived and I figured he was just running late, like usual. He called to tell me that he was running later than he had planned, but he had sent me a car. Yep! I went outside and there stood a man with a big card with my name on it. *I thought that only happened in movies* :)

When I got to the hotel, he seemed hurried, was grabbing his golf clubs (because his golf game and chatting with friends had ran over) and apologized a few times for not being at the airport. When we got to the room and he opened the door, it all made sense. He in fact, sent the car to allow him to have more time to make his plan come together.

As I walked into the room I was over whelmed with happiness. I had falling in love with him all over again. There were candles and rose petals scattered throughout the room. Slow jams were playing on the iPod deck. He was prepared to run a bubble bath, with oils and rose petals. There were green M&M's in bowls (he had picked out all the other colors, because he knows I love the green M&M most), a fruit tray, wine, ice-cream and other random snacks.

He led me to the bed, where he blind folded me and fed me the fruit. He ate the ice-cream off of me and he made love to me like I had never been made love to before. We drank wine, laughed and chilled the rest of the night. Best night EVER!!!

It's gotta mean a lot for a man to think a whole experience like that out and make it happen. Make it memorable. And I will always remember Jacksonville!

He loves Me, he LOVES me NOT

No matter the distance, what either of us have or had been doing, if we had spoke or not; when we would see each other...we seemed to always pick up where we left off. We seemed to roll like there was never a break. HOWEVER, this time was a little-NO this time was ALOT different. My baby came into town and it was different.

The spark was Not in his eyes. His kiss was hesitant and he held me different when we laid in bed. He didn't hold me tight, with my legs on lock down all night. He didn't hug me close, to ensure I would never get away. Nor did he ever reach for me to ensure I was still there. He didn't even notice that I was wide awake the duration of the night or when I got out of bed. And the weirdest of all...he fucked me, not made love to me. He could've cared less if I had came that night or weeks prior. We felt different.

My text and calls went unanswered. And our communication in general seemed forced. He seemed to have forgotten the importance he was/is in my life. He didn't even ask about the kids, who always ask about him. Nor did he ask how business was going or if I was still sustaining some type of financial life. He didn't seem to care. His touch was cold and his words were frank. I felt unsure about who my love had become. I seemed to have been an option and not his priority. He was different!

This encounter seemed like perchance, a convenient circumstance. Where I had once felt confident and happy to be his baby, this encounter... I felt awkward and out of place around him. It all made me wonder... did he still love me or love me not. His attention and priorities didn't feel like it was about me. We felt different.

I hate wondering if he still loves me or loves me not...

*this blog is subject to futher development*

Excess Baggage

It's funny that airlines now charge you for your excess baggage. Some airlines even charge you for the initial piece of luggage. Which got me to thinking...as we traveling on this journey of love and life, we don't mean to carry excess baggage but we do. We carry the good and the bad of our relationships into the next one. The new person, unknowingly becomes subjected to an emotional strip search; where we try to get them naked, in attempts of trying to rid of the possible bullshit early on. This ultimately, is only a set up for them and we sit back waiting for them to fail. We do try to be better in the new relationship, but know that previous issues linger and some how will continue to haunt.....

Then there's the carry on baggage; security goes through your baggage and identifies the more than 3 allowable flow ounces. Another thought zoomed through my head... It is a scientific known facts that, a human body contains about about 5 liters of blood (a little more than one gallon). Of course, the amount of blood actually held within the heart at any given moment varies on the person (do they have a healthy or defective heart?) With that said, we all would never get through security our head (metaphorically representing security) would stop us every time. We carry excess baggage and have too much love (metaphorically used instead of blood) flowing to our hearts. We fall in love. We are in love. Humans love. And when you are in love and have love your heart beats different. Your heart is functioning for life and love. I guess only the defective (broken hearted) would be allowed to travel....

Sadly, we carry trust issues or the lack there of into relationships. Our communication skills weaken...in the new relationship, we are either more verbal than we need to be (argumentative/combative or providing WAY too much info too soon-scaring potentials off) or not verbal enough (shutting down or never wanting to open up). We put barriers up around our hearts and seem to anticipate the worse to happen. But almost worse than the destructive baggage we carry is the sabotage baggage; that's the baggage of...the inability to allow anyone to ever compare to the previous love...

I find myself constantly comparing any and everything a man does and doesn't do for me, to my baby. Men continue to come up short. No one seems to be chivalrous enough, passionate, compassionate or understanding enough. No one can seem to make me laugh or smile like he does. Men don't look as good or smell as good as he did. I find fault with their cadence of their voice, how they walk and dress...the shape of their noses, the size of their ears, their slant of their teeth, the chapped lips, their body build, if they work out, what they eat or don't eat. And that list can go on. OH and NONE have been adventurous enough and unfortunately...no one seems to stack up.

I also, don't trust a word that comes out of their mouths. I think they all are running game or have some hidden drama and issues that will eventually come out, to hurt me. Their character is always in question. And I listen intensely, waiting for bullshit... for I am allergic to it. My guard is up, not even allowing for any platonic friendships. My expectatins of what I want and need have set a new high.

My baggage is heavy. Erica Badu was talking about me when she wrote that song and I wasn't even listening. I know it's not fair, I suppose with time I'll have to learn how to pack light.

Anybody out there?

I read or maybe heard a quote about relationships, 'the greater the hurt and pain the harder the process to heal.' and with that I began to think... WOW, so will I ever heal? I'm convinced I'm damaged goods at this point. I have NO want, need, or desire to give my love to anyone anymore. Nor do I even feel like being bothered with relationships. So, I must agree with the quote...and acknowledge my journey of healing to be a great feat, if not even impossible.

I've let myself go...even grow; remember I still have a goonie goo goo growing between my legs. I now pull my hair back, more often than usual. I've decided to wear clothes for comfort versus my super cute ensembles, during my outings. AND I've resorted to flats when I go out-Very odd! Because if you follow my blog; you know I LOVE my stilettos! I'm down right mean to any man that tries to talk to me now. And I must say, my attitude toward men in general these days SUCKS!!! I just don't care and don't want to try anymore. None of this is to be concluded that...I'm now bitter and or have no self love. On the contrary!!! I am absolutely not bitter, but better! And I absolutely love myself. My priorities have just changed...and loving or giving love to undeserving men is not important to me anymore!!!

I do however, remember great love and what it felt like... So on my journey, I do I wonder...is there anybody out there?!

Is there anybody out there that can or will make me laugh and smile like he did? Is there anybody out there that can or will love me like he did? Will he care for and take care of me? Will we talk and play? Will we go here, there and no where? Will he pull my card and put me in check when I need to be spanked? Will he spank me?! Is there anybody out there that will hold me at night like he did. Will he look in my eyes and I know what it means? Will he understand my sporadic whims and fluctuations of love making and fucking? Is there anybody out here even deserving of what I have to offer? Will he appreciate me and cherish my heart? Will he know me? Is there any body out there that will love ME?

Is there anybody out there that could help me on my journey of healing? And if he's out there, would I even give him a chance?

Monogamous Man?!

Is there a such thing as a monogamous man or if men can really be in a monogamous relationship....

***I actually think some men can be and want to be monogamous... but don't know how. I think they want and need companionship in life but just can't seem to get it right. I think the player thing and all the variety has to get old and at the end of the day, being a player I'm sure can be and gets lonely.

I actually think a man can have a really hott, attractive woman with everything he wants type, but still want something else. Because even if with the hotter, more attractive and gives it up more and better, there is always...Temptation! Which should be just that, temptation. The 'wants', the 'feels good' and 'desirable', but that doesn't necessarily mean he has to act on it. Is it really men's egos? Do men really need or have to fuck all the women they can?

And what about the internal?! The emotional and mental make up of a woman?! Who a woman really is and her character make up?! Hmmmm, and do men really look for that woman that has their equal philosophies and morals in life. Or better yet, think about if that woman has their equal sexual desire?!

I think we are all sexual beings and some men are just more than others. Biologically, I don't think men are meant to be monogamous. They are hard wired to find the best mate to propagate our species. And although some species do exhibit monogamous behavior, I believe it is less common in primates overall.


So, I wonder if an open relationship could or would fix some of those relationships that can't handle the monogamy. Does that mean, when you agree to an open relationship that the couple actually just wants to keep their options open for something better. And that the couple is settling until that better comes along?! So, is that couple then not considering that the current is the best?! Hmmm, and what about catching feelings with another person while being in an open relationship? If the open relationship is in place to just keep the couples options open, I suppose I wouldn't recommend hanging around for too long if monogamy isn't going to be an option.

So what is acceptable for a woman to agree or not agree to in her relationship?
And are women then lowering their standards and requiring less of men because they are afraid to lose them? I suppose a lot of women do things out of insecurities and don't want the "possible" good one to get away. But then let him get away with bullshit... with fears of not getting or finding better?! Unfortunately, I think it's hard for women to be truly secure with themselves because men keep us on the fence. I think women are insecure by nature and often measure, compare and compete with other women. Because of and for men. We compare and second guess our looks, worth and physical value's instead of doing it for ourselves.

I actually think commitment and exclusivity mean different things, people seem to intertwine them, which makes relationships difficult. I do however, believe that commitment means a man is ready to be in a relationship... BUT it doesn't necessarily mean he will be exclusive or monogamous, which by definition means...The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time. I think with commitment he just decided to be committed, which by definition means...A pledge or the state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons to one woman. And with the commitment, it's not whether he can be monogamous, it's whether he can admit that he is and will be.

Unfortunately, I just don't think people have old morals anymore...I don't think there is respect for relationships, commitment and exclusivity anymore. What happen to peoples sense of self and self worth? Moreover the importance of love, sex, relationships and what it all really means.


Sooo, with all that blah, blah, blah and blah said...I know I'm a sexual being, I know I have strong sexual desires but doesn't mean I have to go elsewhere if they're not being met at every moment. I absolutely believe in a committed relationship. I'm old fashioned, with old time morals and views on relationships. I love love, I want to grow old with someone. I like being a committed and FAITHFUL person. I refuse to gamble with my health with multiple partners and would hope that my partner feels the same... when it comes down to it, if you love someone, and truly do, why would you want anything else? Sure, the relationship may have it's low points...those ugly, bad and worse times. And sure maybe there are moments of wanting something new, different or whatever, but life and love isn't all about the physical and that's what people don't understand anymore.

Everyone is meant to find their diamond...a monogamous relationship in the rough. Diamonds are rare; but once you find it, you keep it, cherish it...because like diamonds...love is also forever.

Sleepless

Another sleepless night...It's been months and months since I've had a full good nights sleep. I stay up late (till 12 or 1 am), wake up around 2:30-3am and then have to really get up, to wake the kids at 5am. And then, I'm up for the day. I would think weekends would be sleep in days, but that never happens and I still wake up at 5am without fail. Someone told me, that his sleepless nights were due to stress. That at wee hours of the night, his mind is racing...how to take over the world. And I must agree.

I am stressed to death!!! I'm a living, walking zombie. My mind can get no rest, it's on non stop status...go here, do this, do that(HOW?)...pay this, pay that (WITH WHAT?)take care of this, take care of that (WOW!) and it goes on...

All the sleep aids in the world haven't and don't help...even accompanied with a shot of tequila, a cocktail, or glass of wine. Still no sleep. And the silence is SOOOO loud. GRRRRRRR

to be continued....

Response to Follower

I recently received an e-mail from a follower of my blog. I must say, I was surprised! But I do appreciate her (maybe his) following and sentiment. It's reads....

"Dear Ms.asharpwomanslife, I've followed your blog now for about 3 months. I'm also a single parent and wanting to get my groove back. I like your honest and upfront tone in your blog about love, relationships and being a single parent and how you cope. But, I must say, I went back to read your older post and I'm alittle confused. My confusion started with your 3 strikes & your out post. It seemed that you have been in a relationship with your "boo", "guy friend" for some time now. But state that you've only had 3 real realtionships,your husband, a lover, and the love of your life. So is your "boo" or "guy friend" the love of your life? And then, here in lies the confusion and more so, what I would think to be a problem. In various post you blogged about "his wedding", "text messages" "why we fight" and "I miss us" so were these about your lover or your boo? Because, if they are about your boo aka the love of your life. He can't be the love of your life!"

Confused

And there it is...you put your life on blogger.com and they call you out. LOL. I loved it! Yes, Confused, you are correct and in fact NOT confused at all...

All of those post were about the love of my life. Actually the ONLY 2 about my lover were the ones titled "Out of the Blue". I think I'm pretty clear about the ones about my ex husband. But the others are indeed about, "the love of my life" So, yes...if you do read or have read them all and put it into context maybe you can see our or my roller coaster of emotions about us. There has been ALOT of funky shit that he has done and I added fuel to the fire. So, I am not without some blame. But all I can say is, you can't help who you love. But I DO know! I will NEVER let myself be there EVER AGAIN. and I'm NOT CONFUSED!!!!

Thanks for your e-mail. Keep reading, I have lots more random shit to blog about. Nice to know, someone is reading :)

New Therapy

So, my road trip has driven me to South Carolina. An eight hour drive (I didn't drive straight through) and worth it!!!! I'm using my Marriott points and staying at one of the resorts here. I'm gonna use all my points...to eat, go to the spa and anything else included in my package. It's beautiful here!!! The weather is great, 80+degrees and the water looks nice (but I probably won't get in it, I'll wear my bikini and look cute, but not swim). I brought my golf clubs, and though I don't "play", I will practice and hit some balls. That sounds VERY FUNNY!!!! And though, it's no where close to South Beach, Myrtle Beach it is.....

The drive was theraputic! And since I haven't seen my therapist in a few weeks now, I may just drive from now on to clear my head. I mean, most of the shit we talked about, I already knew...just never said it outloud, or never wanted to own it. Having an honest, unbiased, nonjudmental opionin or feedback of my thoughts, feelings, actions and experiences in itself was helpful. But, how long could I hold on to such a crutch. I'm a big girl, wearing big girl panties now and know what I need to (well at least should) do. So, though therapy was extremely beneficial and I learned alot about myself...there are some things that NOONE can say, do, or tell you to REALLY deal with this thing called life! And so, with little conflict, I had to break up with my therapist. Driving, is my new therapy outlet. I just nhope I don't wreck. LOL

I Miss Us!!!

When we first met, we seemed inseparable. We had so much fun...he made me so happy. He's tall dark and handsome (just like I like 'em), he's kind, smart, confident, compassionate and all that good stuff we like. He was my Knight in Shinning armor, my Tarzan, my prince Charming...he was just mine. We laughed, we danced (well I did, cause he really can't-but is sooo cute when he does), we traveled, we hung out, we did nothing, we did everything. He introduced me to golf (for real), he made me love modeling again, he gave me flight, (in a single engine plane) he introduced me to sexual liberation, he gave me romance, he gave me lopsided gravity, fresh blueberry pancakes...he gave me LOVE and he gave me joy!!!

After a while things changed. I'm sure it was the news about the permanency of her and what it really meant. I was truly hurt and maybe never really recovered. But I wanted to fight for us and make it work...I wanted it to last, he was my life partner. I didn't want to give up. But throughout the relationship there were also many blowers! There were lies, deception, dishonesty and plain hurtful occasions. Committed on both of our parts. I wish I could do it all again.... I wish I could take all my lies, deception and dishonesty back. I wish I could've been more transparent about so many things...my needs, wants and desires. I would think things could've and would've been different.

The arguments got worse and worse. The inability to talk, paralyzed us. And it's so hard to let go when you want to hold on so bad. And so hard to hold on when you may just need to let go....I've never been one to give up easily, and didn't plan to give up at any point. But then, I started to feel like I was fighting for us, by myself. Things had changed. We had changed. Our love changed.

Not sure if I can ever get us back... but I miss us!!!!

His Wedding...who knew?!

We had known each other for a few months. I really liked him. NO, I REALLY LIKED him. He was exactly what I wanted, he was exactly what I needed. He treated me like a queen. He made me laugh, he made me happy...This was my new best thing. He had the look, he had the talk, he had swag, he had the goods and he had me wide open...

We laughed, we talked about everything, we were together all the time-he hung out, we traveled, we made love, we were happy, we were a couple.

So...LONG story SHORT!!!!

One weekend, one of his really good friends came into town. That Friday...my girl, me, his boy and him all hung out. We had a good time. They went to a poker party later that night. The next day, his boy my girl and I grabbed lunch. During lunch, his boy mentioned that he was going to a wedding. My girl volunteered to be his date. He declined her invitation and we thought nothing else about it. For the rest of the weekend, my girl and I figured they were male bonding... His boy, then vanished back into the mist.

A few days later, my baby decided to take a trip to St. Thomas. He invited me and I joined him a few days later. We had an amazing trip. Like many of our others, but more special.

Weeks and months went by and I couldn't have been happier...

UNTIL!!!! We went on another trip and I got a rude awakening...he decided to tell me he was married and that he had been married the entire time we had been together.

Yeah, so...
That weekend that his boy came into town and they went to the poker party!?
That was his bachelor party!
AND
That trip to St. Thomas?!
That was his honeymoon!?!? (He sent her home and had me join him?!?!)WTF
AND
That wedding that his friend mentioned he was going to?!
That was HIS wedding..who knew?!

Baby Blues...

I hadn't seen my monthly friend for a few weeks. I took 2 test and they both were negative. I didn't know what was up. I had been really stressed and just assumed it was just that-STREES. I had never missed a cycle and it had always came like clock work, so it was very weird for me. And I was sick?!

My boo, says he wants a family. Wants to get me pregnant and wants me to move away with him. HMMMMMMMM. All of that sounds great BUT scares the shit outta me. 1st, we already have sooooo many issues. Add baby?! Add another country?! Would that or could that help us work through our issues? I just don't know.

I've pretty much charged marriage to hell. That will never happen again. I had put having another baby in that catagory aswell. But something has oddly changed.... The weird missing cycle thing, the baby talk with my boo and the constant baby perchancehappenings. I see babies everywhere I go, I see them on tv more and I'm even looking at baby items. And even more peculiar....my children have expressed wanting another sibling.

WTF?!

I would love a baby. But would I love the responsibility? The responsibility that is soon over when my daughter is 18. Would I love the loss of my freedom of doing whatever, whenever without having to wory about who's got the kids?! Would I get and have the emotional support I never had with the other two? Just don't know...

But the cycle finally came. And now, I'm thinking...maybe I wish it hadn't come. Wishing, the tests were positive. Weird kinda baby blues

That Something....

Puppy love, infatuation, love, Euros, lust, philos, Agape....whatever you want to call it. That deep down all you do is think about him, the smile that comes across your face when you see a text or incoming call from him. The goofy smirk when he walks into a room. The excitement of any time spent together sends you into a whirlwind. The butterflies in your stomach when things don't seem to be going right. All the extra effort to look your best. All that emotional mushy gushy shit, that makes you ignore any and everything. It's when you're in LOVE.

Damn it, I'm there. And I know I should be the happiest girl in the world. But there is always something. That something that makes you second guess your instincts. That something that gives you pause. It's that something that eats away at your heart, when not paying attention. That something that you just don't understand. And I can't put my finger on it, but it's something. And I try so hard to resist it, because I'm so happy in love...but damn it...it's something.

That something, it lingers, it may only linger in my alone and quiet moments but that something is always there. It creeps up in forms of insecurities and inability to trust. It's the doubt and misconceptions. The lies and baggage of the past. The damage and hurt of failed expectations. That something floats above me like a rain cloud and I never have an umbrella. I wish that something feeling would just go away or I could ignore it better. I want the love to be stronger than the somethings that make me weak. I want to be in love without the that something.

What it all means...

Ok, so I did a few of those quizzes on facebook. They are soooo funny, but they are sometimes true. Like what your birthday means about you or what your zodiac means about you. So this is what I learned....I'm supposedly-Stubborn TRUE and hard-hearted NOT TRUE. Ambitious and serious CAN BE TRUE. Loves to teach and be taught TRUE. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses SO NOT TRUE. Likes to criticize DEF NOT TRUE. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy those are TRUE. Quiet unless excited or tensed LOL-NOT TRUE. Rather reserved CAN BE TRUE. Highly attentive TRUE. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. I Haven't had a cold in years. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love I LOVE EXPRESSING LOVE-so NOT TRUE. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very Stubborn and money cautious And the last 6 are TRUE!.Where do they get this shit? But the Sexy zodiac...All very TRUE! well with the exception of the owning of the Gemini in sports...I don't even get that.
Love to lust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predicts future. Irresistible, awesome kisser. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. BY FAR the BEST in BED. Very sexy. Coolest. Loves to own Gemini's in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Loves to be your first. So you'll never forget. Smart.

So where do these quizzes come from? Who creates them? Even better question why do people believe it and then live by it! It's for shits and giggles! I found it interesting...shited and giggled-means nothing....except for the smart, cute, fun, sexy and good in bed, sexy zodiac part. LMAO!!!!

Maintaining the Entertaining

The definition(s) for maintain are 1. to keep in existence or continuance; preserve; retain, or 2. to keep or hold. And there are numerous definitions for entertain 1. to hold the attention of pleasantly or agreeably; amuse, 2. show hospitality to. 3. to admit into the mind; consider, 4. to hold in the mind; harbor; cherish.

So when putting all of the contextual definitions together and apply them to real life scenarios a number of definitions work. Like, to keep in existence to hold the attention of pleasantly or agreeably. Or another definition would be to keep, hold, or sustain to cherish. Equals this working sentence...He maintains (keeps in existence, or continues to preserve, retains) relationships with other women to entertain (hold the attention or show hospitality or cherish). HMMMMM, makes me think!

Why the hell do men continue to maintain and entertain women that they say they are not involved with?! And maybe I'm not being fair, I suppose women do it too, so I'll rephrase the following....Why maintain these relationships, i.e hold on to these women/men? Why continue to communicate, i.e entertain the bullshit.

Maintaining the Entertaining?!

It makes no sense. These relationships seem to linger because, I think the need to keep options open comforts some. I think games are played-of keeping nice...via text, e-mail, instant messaging etc. in the event of future opportunities for... I just don't think they are healthy for current relationships. Are these conversations or by chance meetings neccessary? Do these people mean that much, that any form of communication keeps the realtionship alive?

Women love such attention and if we're getting it from someone we use to be involved with, it makes it just that more special. So, to maintain communication or maintain any types of relationship with her/him I think is dangerous.

Someone once told me that entertaining leads to sex. I never thought that before and that may have been the intentions of the guys that I would chat with but never my thoughts. I just liked the communication. However, I do know that if I ever wanted to sleep with any of my random guy friends that I maintain entertainment with, they would surely oblige. So, what makes sense to me...is to not maintain the entertainment...

While we're together

Is it wrong that I want lots of attention from my man? When we're together is it wrong to want him to give me his undivided attention? Is it wrong that I'm upset that he seems to be somewhere else mentally and emotionally, because he's texting, e-mailing or instant messaging other women while we are together? And, isn't it rude or is it just me that he's texting other women when we're together? I think it's just wrong! Shouldn't I just be happy that we're together?

My thoughts...I wouldn't and don't do that shit to him...he would lose his mind. So, why does he choose to do it during our time together? I get when he takes business calls and random important calls...but the texting and maintaining of his bullshit ass women friends that he continues to entertain (maintaining the entertaining....another blog for another day!)annoys the hell outta me and YES!!! it's RUDE!!! And YES it's inconsiderate. He should know that I wouldn't be cool or comfortable with the scenario. Hate that he entertains these woman that he "use to mess (fuck) with" and he knows they still like and want to be with him. Hmmm, maybe he still wants to be with them? GRRRRRR. Maybe their that option on a rainy day.

HMMMM, but would it really make me feel better if he only did it when we were not together...because he would be doing it anyway? And why? Why are these lines of communication so important? More specifically, why are these lines of communication with other women so important while he's with me?! Why won't he just be with them then. Maybe, I'm boring him?! So then, are we really together if we're only together physically?

That's that Bullshit...while we're together.