they have NO KIDS

I don't regret anything about when I had my children. (Maybe who I had them with, but that's about it). They are the most beautiful thing I could have ever done in and with my life. I also know of the many women that are unable to have children and try so desperately to concieve, but are unsucsessful. I would love to donate eggs and or be a saragote to any of those women at any time. HONESTLY! And so, this is not about them. But, this is my disclaimer before anyone thinks, I'm hating or regretting my blessings of motherhood...

It drives me crazy when I hear or read about single, sucessful, and beautiful women complain about their lives of emptiness...they have no man, they have no children and they seem to be sooo unhappy. WTF, snap out of it and enjoy life!!! I so often wish, that I could just decide to drop everything, up and move and start over with my life every other year. Or, decide that I no longer want to work in whatever field and just start a new career. I wish I could just go back to school and be a life student and not worry about anybody elses tuition but mine!!! I wish I could be selfish and not have to be responsible or worry about anyone else but me. I wish I only had MY schedule to worry about. I wish I could worry only about MY shelter, food and how I will survive on a daily. I wish I could purchase the shoes and clothes I really want instead of compromising. I want to just go on a vacation on a whim, without thinking twice, planning around or feeling bad about it. I wish I didn't have to be so stressed about making ends meet or financial obligations because... I just wish!

But, that is not the case and so when I hear all these self proclaimed self help diva's dishing out advice about this and that (of which never takes into consideration women with children and how certain decisions, can, could, and would effect them) it truely pisses me off! I recently read how one unhappy lady, decided to up and move to New York to start a new carrer. In her reading, she was encouraging self impowerment and blah, blah, blah. I would never do that...and pull my children out of their great schools. Yeah right. WOW, what an expereince I'm sure it could be for me... I then read how another lady, decided to quit her job as a Lead CPA for a huge company to just write a book and go on a book tour, promoting her book. She was encouraging self improvement. And WOW, how I wish I could just write and publish my books and then go on book tours... Again, YEAH RIGHT!!! And I won't even mention the whole dating doctors...What the hell do I look like hanging out all the damn time and dating various men off and on. What type of message would I be sending to my daughter?!?! And what type of schedule would that look like?

Yeah, so all the self help, improvement, date divas, self impowerment and you go girls that can just do what they do... THEY ARE ANNOYING!!!!

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE Myself! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE my children and I know that I am a PHENOMANAL woman that can be and do anything (within the guidelines of my children LOL)!!! I have internal conflicts like the next woman, but I am and will be fine! The by chance self help, improvement, and dating advice and info I've heard and/or I've read...is just that. By chance! I don't take the shit they say seriously, to heart or even use what they say....because THEY HAVE NO KIDS!!!!

Just Sex

Is it possible for two people that really love each other but are no longer together to just have sex? Can you really separate the two...sex and emotions? Is and was our shit so fucked up that, the only thing we can do at this point is to have "just sex"? We can still laugh, act civil, and be intimate, but we can't seem to make our shit work. The chemistry is CRAZY. The sex is AMAZING! But is that really all? I suppose anyone can have great sex, but can anyone have great chemistry? Does intimacy not mean anything anymore? The kissing, the holding and the wanting and needing to please your partner. Chemistry, intimacy, and love makes really good sex/great sex....PHENOMENAL SEX!!! I mean shit, You can get up and go after really good sex, people pay for great sex and anyone can create an environment of pleasure for just sex. But chemistry?!. It's not just sex!

But if, just sex is what I can get...I'll take it.

New Therapy

So, my road trip has driven me to South Carolina. An eight hour drive (I didn't drive straight through) and worth it!!!! I'm using my Marriott points and staying at one of the resorts here. I'm gonna use all my points...to eat, go to the spa and anything else included in my package. It's beautiful here!!! The weather is great, 80+degrees and the water looks nice (but I probably won't get in it, I'll wear my bikini and look cute, but not swim). I brought my golf clubs, and though I don't "play", I will practice and hit some balls. That sounds VERY FUNNY!!!! And though, it's no where close to South Beach, Myrtle Beach it is.....

The drive was theraputic! And since I haven't seen my therapist in a few weeks now, I may just drive from now on to clear my head. I mean, most of the shit we talked about, I already knew...just never said it outloud, or never wanted to own it. Having an honest, unbiased, nonjudmental opionin or feedback of my thoughts, feelings, actions and experiences in itself was helpful. But, how long could I hold on to such a crutch. I'm a big girl, wearing big girl panties now and know what I need to (well at least should) do. So, though therapy was extremely beneficial and I learned alot about myself...there are some things that NOONE can say, do, or tell you to REALLY deal with this thing called life! And so, with little conflict, I had to break up with my therapist. Driving, is my new therapy outlet. I just nhope I don't wreck. LOL

Road Trip

OK, so....my daughter is gone. Been gone. Nice, France. Has been, having a ball! I've gotten pictures, e-mails and recently skyped with her. SOOOOOO, happy she got this experience! SOOOO, happy she is having fun! And my son....well, he finally got a flight out on his buddy pass to Colorado. So he is in Denver at a Bar-B-Q as I type this blog.....

And I... Well, I'm preparing to get away. I haven't had to be responsible for my children in a while. A LONG while! Well, responsible in the sense that they are not in the house and or I have to worry about a school schedule. So, I want to get away. I looked at flights, to everywhere!!! Flights are so expensive, when you try to fly last minute. I would've loved to have visited the DR, but that's another story.... So, with the last minute travel arrangements...what do I do? ROAD TRIP!!!! Hey, I love to drive, so what the hell.

I've rented a car (already blogged about my scary and illegal car situation, sooo) and I'm just gonna drive. Drive south. South sounds good! Love the southern hospitality! There may be some photo shoot opportunities in Virgina Beach. And South makes sense. But, honestly, I'm thinking more like South Beach!!! I need the heat. I want the excitement! I want and need to just get away! Nothing better than a good ole...ROAD TRIP!!!!

Spring Break Deffered

And like usual, I leave it to my ex husband to take care of my son's travel plans for Spring Break...and he didn't come through. My son is still here and is disappointed that his plans for Spring Break have not manifested. His hopes were to go to Colorado, to get away...spend time with friends and family. Not my choice for Spring Break...but hey. All I know is that, it's Sunday...Spring Break started on Thursday, the plan was for him to be on a plane that morning and it didn't happen. He was packed and ready to go, but went nowhere. I will not say a word.

I hate looking at my son's face as he sulks because his father has not come through. I will not be the one to say "I told you so" He always seems to believe in his father and his ability to make the impossible happen. I say nada! However, I go above and beyond for the daily and regular things, but it's what his father seems to do to make the world turn. My daughter on the other hand, knows reality...her world rotates on another axis...her "step daddy --" She loves him and knows the world rotates on his axis. She by the way, is gone...is in France.

So, my son waits and I as well. I thought on Wednesday night I would be on a plane myself by now. But I too, am reconsidering what to do with Spring Break. I mean hey, how many times a year do I get a break? But, I didn't want my son to do nothing and considered a road trip for us... This still may be an option as time continues to get pass me.

Guess Spring Break is Deferred.

3 Strikes...your out

So I decided! I'm DONE!!! I've been married...FAILED! Had a lover...FAILED! Had the LOVE of my life...FAILED. A girl can only take so much failure, so I'm done!!! And just like that, I CAN and have decided to never give my heart again. I will not fall in, be in or love again. I refuse to set my self up for failure ever again! I'm an over achiever and failure I just can't and won't do again!!!

Funny thing is, I'm the first to say, "I love LOVE", love being in love and support as well as encourage love. I'm a hopeless romantic. Love the candles, roses, bubble baths, kisses on the forehead/neck/cheek, the walks on the beach and all the mushy bullshit too. But I obviously can't seem to get this love thing straight, So, I've decided to never love again!!! Relationships and love are for the birds. I can't keep giving and trying to be the best...wife, lover, girlfriend...whatever for my health any more!!! I know I'm a damn good woman, and for the 3 that let me get away... YOUR BAD!!! YOUR LOSS!!!

I will admit my faults (for we all have them), my mistakes (for we all make them) but mine were No worse than the faults and mistakes made unto me. I will not be responsible, for the breakdowns in my relationships. I may have fucked up, but his fuck ups were much worse. I may have lied, but his lies were the WORST! And at the end of the day, I will not be the blame for these fuckin men's inability to give me what I want, need, and deserve!

I want to be loved and made love to. I want him to know me...I want him to know my likes and dislikes. Know when I'm happy, mad, or sad. Know what the tone in my voice means. Know when I'm trying hard to make his day, or make him smile and keep him happy. I don't want to be someone else around him, because I'm afraid he will judge or hold it against me later. I want and need him to know that I want and need his love, affection and attention-that his text, e-mails and calls are the highlight of my day (yeah, I may get others...but they mean SHIT!). I need him to know that I need his daily words of support and encouragement. I need him to know that I want and need to be in his arms at night. I need him to know that I am a priority, NOT an option. I need him to know that when I say, "I'm gonna go", I want him to say "I want you to stay"! Because, I know we will argue, who doesn't? It's human nature. It would be un-natural not to. But, I'm also gonna need him to put me in my place sometimes, because I know I get SHARP about the tongue sometimes.

I need him to know that my goodies are only his goodies! And that I only move like that for him...I want him to know what it means when my eyes roll back in my head, what my high pitched sigh means, or what the arch in my back is about when he makes love to me. He will know when I'm in the mood and He will be happy that he is the only one to satisfy me.

I mean hey, I'm a love love kinda girl and I deserED those things. But they're not gonna ever happen. I've given up!!! I will look no more or ever again. I don't think there's a man out there, or that there is a man that can or will ever love me like that! So, I'm DONE!

I'm no longer delusional about my Prince Charming, Knight and Shinning Armor or My Tarzan. For me, he doesn't fucking exist. I've given up on my fantasy. That fairytale was just bullshit. I've awaken from that dream! I'm no longer delusional about what it means to be faithful, exclusive and monogamous. I'm no longer delusional about men's ability to NOT cheat. There's been and is currently a new phenomenon and philosophy of open relationships and marriages... Poly-relationships?!?! WTF!?!? So, why should I continue to live in oblivion? I won't! I'm no longer delusional about what a man wants and needs. I'm no longer delusional. I refuse to be! I refuse to fail again!

So, I love sports... with football you need a 1st down (a few 1st downs), then a touch down...the team with the most touchdowns wins. Basketball-a good layup, some free throws, three pointer a few slam dunks, and the team with the most points wins and I also know alittle about baseball...1st base, second base third...maybe a home run...after 9 innings the team with the most points wins. BUT!!!! I also know, that in baseball...3 strikes and your out!!!! So, for me...GAME OVER!!!

Twilight Hype?!

Stephanie Meyers is making millions off her vampire vs. werewolf LOVE story... And with the movies out with the top actor and actresses in them, t-shirts, posters, actions figures...and more, all = $$$! She has tweens, teens, and grown woman all over the world hooked. Even my daughter...

My daughter read the entire series in a week and 2 days. She found the not suppose to be released 5th book on the internet. She saw both movies on opening night, created a Cullen SIMS family and the next time we go to Washington, is planning a trip to Forks. I just didn't get it. Until...

Until, my daughter pushed, pushed and pushed and I read Twilight. I actually enjoyed it. Then I saw the movie. I was disappointed, the movie was nothing like the book. I really hate when movie directors do that. So, then I read New Moon. I liked it even more than the 1st. I couldn't wait for the DVD to come out. I watched the movie like a true fan, sitting on the edge of my seat. Go TEAM VAMPIRE, or do I say GO TEAM EDWARD? Either way, now I'm on the 3rd book and can't seem to put the book down. (well with the exception, to blog) Who knew, I'm reading the damn series like a fan. I love the love story!!!

I'm contributing to the Twilight hype.