Baby Blues...

I hadn't seen my monthly friend for a few weeks. I took 2 test and they both were negative. I didn't know what was up. I had been really stressed and just assumed it was just that-STREES. I had never missed a cycle and it had always came like clock work, so it was very weird for me. And I was sick?!

My boo, says he wants a family. Wants to get me pregnant and wants me to move away with him. HMMMMMMMM. All of that sounds great BUT scares the shit outta me. 1st, we already have sooooo many issues. Add baby?! Add another country?! Would that or could that help us work through our issues? I just don't know.

I've pretty much charged marriage to hell. That will never happen again. I had put having another baby in that catagory aswell. But something has oddly changed.... The weird missing cycle thing, the baby talk with my boo and the constant baby perchancehappenings. I see babies everywhere I go, I see them on tv more and I'm even looking at baby items. And even more peculiar....my children have expressed wanting another sibling.

WTF?!

I would love a baby. But would I love the responsibility? The responsibility that is soon over when my daughter is 18. Would I love the loss of my freedom of doing whatever, whenever without having to wory about who's got the kids?! Would I get and have the emotional support I never had with the other two? Just don't know...

But the cycle finally came. And now, I'm thinking...maybe I wish it hadn't come. Wishing, the tests were positive. Weird kinda baby blues

I wonder

I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned. I thought about and tried to please myself but was unsuccessful. Haven't had sex since my birthday...and that sex was that good shit too. That mind blowing, slap yo mamma, can give a fuck about any other nigga in the world that steps to me sex. So maybe I'm alittle sexually frustrated. And I laid there and began to wonder....

What is he doing right now? Who is he with. He can't be sleeping alone. Who is he laying with? How he met me? How much does he like her? Did she just give him head. If he gave her oral pleasure. And I wonder if he gives it to her like he did me. And I wonder if he kisses her and looks her in her eyes. If his strokes are long and soft or short and hard. Is it just a fuck or is he making love to her? I know he's talking that nasty dirty talk, wonder if he calls her ALL the names he calls me. Wonder if he pulls her hair and chokes her. Probably wanted to take the ass. I wonder if he tells her how good it is and cums in pure happiness. I hope his ass used and is using condoms! I wish he wouldn't and wasn't. But I often wonder.

DEad BeAT DAD

OMG!!!! I'm probably (1 of) the most compassionate and understanding single mothers. My children's father has yet to pay a dime of his court ordered child support. For the past 4 years! He has yet to maintain a consistent schedule and spend real time with his children. And he has yet to provide any kind of nurturing to them. Oh, wait...because my son is some what athletically inclined, he is very involved with my son's sports career. (Hmmm, maybe because he wants to be there when he's drafted into the league?!).

My children go to great private schools, have clothes, shoes, food to eat, a roof over their heads and pretty much get any and everything they may need. So how dare he get an attitude when I call him useless. I remind him passively about needing money and or help and try to be delicate around his inability to be responsible (for anything). BUT DAMN!!!!!! When will he step up? When will he decide to be a man? When will he really work at developing a real relationship with his daughter.

How dare I say anything to him about his dead beat tendencies. Man I should've really thought through my sperm donors donation. Who knew, my children would have a dead beat dad?

That Something....

Puppy love, infatuation, love, Euros, lust, philos, Agape....whatever you want to call it. That deep down all you do is think about him, the smile that comes across your face when you see a text or incoming call from him. The goofy smirk when he walks into a room. The excitement of any time spent together sends you into a whirlwind. The butterflies in your stomach when things don't seem to be going right. All the extra effort to look your best. All that emotional mushy gushy shit, that makes you ignore any and everything. It's when you're in LOVE.

Damn it, I'm there. And I know I should be the happiest girl in the world. But there is always something. That something that makes you second guess your instincts. That something that gives you pause. It's that something that eats away at your heart, when not paying attention. That something that you just don't understand. And I can't put my finger on it, but it's something. And I try so hard to resist it, because I'm so happy in love...but damn it...it's something.

That something, it lingers, it may only linger in my alone and quiet moments but that something is always there. It creeps up in forms of insecurities and inability to trust. It's the doubt and misconceptions. The lies and baggage of the past. The damage and hurt of failed expectations. That something floats above me like a rain cloud and I never have an umbrella. I wish that something feeling would just go away or I could ignore it better. I want the love to be stronger than the somethings that make me weak. I want to be in love without the that something.

It was AMAZE'N!!!!!

It's been a while since I've had the most mind blowing sex, that I even need to document it. But it happened. Everything about the experience was amazing. Our energy and chemisrty was so in sync. I think at some point, I had an outter body experience. My most inner being seperated from my physical body and simply floated in ecstasy bliss.

Simply put... IT WAS AMAZING!!!

What it all means...

Ok, so I did a few of those quizzes on facebook. They are soooo funny, but they are sometimes true. Like what your birthday means about you or what your zodiac means about you. So this is what I learned....I'm supposedly-Stubborn TRUE and hard-hearted NOT TRUE. Ambitious and serious CAN BE TRUE. Loves to teach and be taught TRUE. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses SO NOT TRUE. Likes to criticize DEF NOT TRUE. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy those are TRUE. Quiet unless excited or tensed LOL-NOT TRUE. Rather reserved CAN BE TRUE. Highly attentive TRUE. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. I Haven't had a cold in years. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love I LOVE EXPRESSING LOVE-so NOT TRUE. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very Stubborn and money cautious And the last 6 are TRUE!.Where do they get this shit? But the Sexy zodiac...All very TRUE! well with the exception of the owning of the Gemini in sports...I don't even get that.
Love to lust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predicts future. Irresistible, awesome kisser. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. BY FAR the BEST in BED. Very sexy. Coolest. Loves to own Gemini's in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Loves to be your first. So you'll never forget. Smart.

So where do these quizzes come from? Who creates them? Even better question why do people believe it and then live by it! It's for shits and giggles! I found it interesting...shited and giggled-means nothing....except for the smart, cute, fun, sexy and good in bed, sexy zodiac part. LMAO!!!!

Feeling Down

I love birthdays! Birthdays are very special to me. Birthdays are your special day! And for as long as I can remember, I didn't go to school or work on my birthday!!! It is MY own national Holiday!

So, I'm normally planning and preparing for a great birthday week and weekend the first week of January. But this year I feel really down. Don't think anyone even remembered. I would have normally received calls or text asking what I was getting into for the weekend. Or lots of cards in the mail by now. But this year nothing!!! Friday and Saturday nights, I was in my house. I did No drinking, I did no dancing I had NO FUN! All of which I normally do and love to do the 1st weekend of January!!! And for the day of my birthday...yeah, I just don't know.

I will admit I've trimmed the fat in terms of friends and men. I'm down to little to no friends these days because, not all friend are good or even really true freinds. And as far as men go...I'm absolutley done with entertaining and maintaining men in my life that don't really care about me or only want to eventually have sex. I'm a smart, cute and funny girl! I deserve a man that loves me for me! I want one man to provide all my emotional, mental, and physical needs. And all the random guys in the world will never truely do that, especially if they have hidden agendas. But I digress...so maybe this wasn't the time to trim...and maybe I wouldn't be so pitiful right now.

I suppose even more I'm really down because I miss my mom. She's sick and I haven't spoke to her. And my mom NEVER forgets my birthday! (but what mom does?). She always sends a card and always calls everyday starting January 1 until nightfall of my birthday. We talk about what I'm gonna wear, where I'm gonna go and what I'm gonna do. Funny...I've done no planning at all. Kinda lonely in this planning process this year....

Suppose...I'll go to my most favorite breakfast spot, maybe do a spa treatment, window shop (a cute pair of shoes would definitly make me happy) and a nice bougie/fancy place for dinner.

Anything to get me outta this funk....