Out of the Blue AGAIN!!!!!

And like clock work... My boo is outta town, hmmph but we're not talking.........

The want and need for some form of communication drives me crazy. I hate when we don't communicate at all. My mind only wonders to what he is doing in my absence. I anger feeling that he can so easily dismiss me. Then I remember what he says often, "Do you, be happy, and have fun" when he is away. But I know he doesn't really mean it. I fight with my inner bad girl that says, let's go out...but I don't.

Then, out of the blue...the chime of my cell phone. I get excited thinking it's him-my boo. But NO, it's...The one, that could and use to make me weak in the knees. AGAIN. How the hell does he do that? How does he know when I may be slightly vulnerable? How does he know when I need attention and communication? How does he just pop up out of the blue. With a text... "thinkn bout u"

Knowing I should ignore his text like usual and I shouldn't even entertain his bs...but because I wanted the attention and craved the communication, I respond, "wow! hey stranger. long time no chat. u must be in town?!

"no, not in town. u were just on my mind. lets go to sb."

I was very happy to know he wasn't in town, this would make the texting easy. But he knew I had no idea what sb was and this would allow our conversation to linger. So I take the bait and ask. "What's sb? & Y do u want me 2 go? What and where ever sb is...take ur grlfren."

"sb, Superbowl silly. We have good memories in MIA."

"LOL"

I don't know what Miami trip he was referring to, but we did NOT have a good trip, or have good memories and I hated that he joked about a wasted good trip...

"u must have the wrong grl, we did not have fun- we fought the whole time there. REMEMBER?!"

"yeah maybe, but the sex was good." And there in lies the REAL reason for the text...the sex. I was so annoyed that he wasn't just texting to say what's up. And though a trip to the Super Bowl would be really fun...I woke up out my silly need for attention and gathered my composure...happy that he still had NO effect on me and responded...

"dude, wud luv 2 be in the MIA rite now, but not w/ u. that's not 4 us anymore...it was nice chat'n w/ ya" and sent him back into the blue.

(he responded but I ignored the rest of the text)

Falling OUT of Love

It takes a second to fall in love and about 1 minute to fall out of love...it's alittle longer because we second guess ourselves so much.

I love him, I love him not...

I fell in love and I fell in love hard. I was ready and willing to give and do anything for him. He had/has no idea how much I loved and love him. I just wanted to be with him, be the best for him and he just didn't get it. I shared my most inner me with him and he didn't know it. I was at my best with him and he didn't know it. It hurts that I lost me in him....

As time went on...he broke me down, wore me out and I slowly was no longer me. I realized that I loved him more than I loved myself...

But something happen...as he played me, played with my emotions...had his flings-his fucks-his relationships...as he guilted me into my minor indiscretions and accused me of being who I'm not...I slowly began to fall... And as he continues to do him...I continue to fall.

As he continues to play me, play with my emotions and have his flings and his fucks and maintains his relationships...pursues his nothing arguments... I slowly fall out of love with him....

So, why does he continue to play with my emotions. Doubt my devotion and loyalty...as he does I stifle who I really am for him.

Does he know? Does he care? That he is pushing me off the ledge???

I fight it, he pulls me back in. He shows me who I feel in love with in seconds.Then he sends me there, I hate it...but I know I'm slowly falling outta love with him.

Long Distant Relationship(s)

After my ex husband and I graduated from High School, we both headed to colleges in different states. He headed to Houston Texas and I to Washington DC. Our freshman year we saw each other a total of 3 times (once during homecoming-October, again during the Holiday break-December, and again in the Spring-March) So our phone bills were ridiculous-there were no cell phones then (to text) or e-mail. We did the long distant thing off and on for over 6 years.

During those years he did his thing, and boy did he. While on my side of the U.S. I went to school (full time), worked (full time) and took care of the kids. I had my eye on the prize...to finish school and do the family thing-be a good mom and eventually wife.

Yeah, fast forward present day... I'm in another semi-long distant relationship. Semi because we actually live in the same state, but he rolls out for like 2 weeks every month. Anyway, I'm struggling. Struggling because I don't want to do this bullshit again!!!! Long distant relationships = he gets to do him, while I be good because I'm suppose to. Long distant relationships=trust issues multiplied times 10 and the need for the best communication, love would have to offer...WE struggle with both. GRRRRRR!

Oh yeah and he needs to go to SEX ADDICTS ANONYMOUS and I suppose I need to go to ATTENTION DEFICIT ANONYMOUS. We have our issues...But which is worse though? That he can't be exclusive and keep his dick to himself? Or that I just want to know I'm loved, cherished and adored? That a few calls, some text messages and or e-mails can and will keep me happy and afloat until I see him in a few weeks? I know I can contain myself and wait until he's back in town but his ass can't! And I don't think he he even knows how... And honestly, I think his inability to be exclusive and just be with me under the circumstances is just silly. But is it really too much to ask?

Long distant relationships= heart ache! Long distant relationships= THIS SHIT IS HARD!!! Guess, I haven't learned my lesson...

Date nite (the kids version)

LMAO....

Ok so, I purchased all my goodies (strawberries, chocolate, KY, massage oil, whip cream etc.) from the Safeway and added a few other household items during this shopping trip. I picked my son up as I usually do and headed home. Getting out of the truck, as he is suppose to do, he grabs all of the bags out of the truck.

I run into the house (with a mission on my mind) make sure things are in order and proceed back outside. I change into my little to nothing outfit, fix my hair and make-up (all in the truck) and proceed to my boo's house.

I get to his house and begin to gather all the goodies...naked outfit (check), food, with dessert (check), wine (check), bag of groceries...NOT THERE!!!!! SHIT!!!!! My son must've grabbed that bag too...

I call my son...
"Hey, did you take all the bags into the house?"
"Yes, mame."
"Damn it, OK"
"I'm sorry mommy, did I do something wrong?"
"No!"
I hang up the phone and head back to my house.....

Upon entering the house, I now have to button all the buttons on my simple "little" coat and tie it-I have on little to no clothes underneath. LOL. I enter the house...

My son yells....

"All I'm gonna say is, THAT'S NASTY!!! All those things in that bag together...just nasty!" He then begins coming down the stairs.
"And didn't you have on jeans a few minutes ago?" With a VERY puzzled look on his face...LOL
My only response, "Mind your damn business!!!"

And I run outta the house.

All I can think and say is....TOO FUNNY!!!!

Date nite

So my boo and I don't get to spend much time together anymore :/. So I'm doing this long distant relationship thing. (thats another blog for another day) I didn't want his trip back to just be about us catching up on sex. I wanted to spend some time with him, I wanted to do something and or maybe go somewhere. I decided we should have a date night. I had lots of ideas....but this one was sexy!!!! Well at least I thought it was.

I picked up some really good food from his favorite restaurant and dessert!!! I grabbed a really good bottle of wine, some strawberries and chocolate. I got some "Silk" KY and some massage lotion. I put a sexy little (and I mean little) red lingerie and hott high heals on. I touched up my make-up and fluffed my hair. I was ready for a crazy, sexy, cool-date with my boo.

I headed to his house to surprise him with all my goodies AND....I get there and his ass was sleep. Not just sleep, but knocked out. He didn't hear the door bell or my knocks. I finally get in through the garage. I couldn't believe it, I thought he would be up and excited to see my naked ass (literally) serving him goodies. But, his response was pretty subdooed. I served him his food in my barely nothing get up drank the wine, ate a little food and went to sleep.

He seemed unphased by my efforts. I was more than disappointed in my (attempted) date night... FML!!!!

Just a FuCk

It's in the back of my mind. It's that sick feeling in my stomach. It's the I know the truth but don't want to KNOW the truth. But, I ask the question.... "So, are you fucking someone?" The pause, the squirm, the body shift, the uncomfortable look in his eyes and then the answer.

"It's just a fuck"

Wow. That shit hits me like a brick to the head!!!! I knew but didn't want to know!

So, am I mad? Do I get angry? Nope...JUST HURT!!!! Disappointed!!! Frustrated! Why?! Why really isn't the question. I know why....he loves sex, needs his dick sucked. I guess we had that conversation? But I guess, what I thought it all meant-was something else.

But what does hurt is that, if it were me saying "It was just a fuck" he'd be crushed!!!! How dare I just fuck? But he can and does. Sex, Love making, just fucking-when you share that with someone other than the person you love and or care about you giving up a special piece of who you are! Does he care? Does he care that as he Just fucks...a piece of me dies each time.

Just a fuck?!?! WTF!!!

Baby Blues...

I hadn't seen my monthly friend for a few weeks. I took 2 test and they both were negative. I didn't know what was up. I had been really stressed and just assumed it was just that-STREES. I had never missed a cycle and it had always came like clock work, so it was very weird for me. And I was sick?!

My boo, says he wants a family. Wants to get me pregnant and wants me to move away with him. HMMMMMMMM. All of that sounds great BUT scares the shit outta me. 1st, we already have sooooo many issues. Add baby?! Add another country?! Would that or could that help us work through our issues? I just don't know.

I've pretty much charged marriage to hell. That will never happen again. I had put having another baby in that catagory aswell. But something has oddly changed.... The weird missing cycle thing, the baby talk with my boo and the constant baby perchancehappenings. I see babies everywhere I go, I see them on tv more and I'm even looking at baby items. And even more peculiar....my children have expressed wanting another sibling.

WTF?!

I would love a baby. But would I love the responsibility? The responsibility that is soon over when my daughter is 18. Would I love the loss of my freedom of doing whatever, whenever without having to wory about who's got the kids?! Would I get and have the emotional support I never had with the other two? Just don't know...

But the cycle finally came. And now, I'm thinking...maybe I wish it hadn't come. Wishing, the tests were positive. Weird kinda baby blues