No matter the distance, what either of us have or had been doing, if we had spoke or not; when we would see each other...we seemed to always pick up where we left off. We seemed to roll like there was never a break. HOWEVER, this time was a little-NO this time was ALOT different. My baby came into town and it was different.
The spark was Not in his eyes. His kiss was hesitant and he held me different when we laid in bed. He didn't hold me tight, with my legs on lock down all night. He didn't hug me close, to ensure I would never get away. Nor did he ever reach for me to ensure I was still there. He didn't even notice that I was wide awake the duration of the night or when I got out of bed. And the weirdest of all...he fucked me, not made love to me. He could've cared less if I had came that night or weeks prior. We felt different.
My text and calls went unanswered. And our communication in general seemed forced. He seemed to have forgotten the importance he was/is in my life. He didn't even ask about the kids, who always ask about him. Nor did he ask how business was going or if I was still sustaining some type of financial life. He didn't seem to care. His touch was cold and his words were frank. I felt unsure about who my love had become. I seemed to have been an option and not his priority. He was different!
This encounter seemed like perchance, a convenient circumstance. Where I had once felt confident and happy to be his baby, this encounter... I felt awkward and out of place around him. It all made me wonder... did he still love me or love me not. His attention and priorities didn't feel like it was about me. We felt different.
I hate wondering if he still loves me or loves me not...
*this blog is subject to futher development*
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
ADD
I have Attention Deficit Disorder. And when I say this I don't mean it in the actual medical terms, but in relationship terms. So when I say it out loud and or to men, they take my meaning to be..."oh, she's clingy or needy" and that is not the case....
My ADD is about the amount of attention my baby gives to me...texts, e-mails, calls through out the day and of course time spent. In the day and age of texts messages and e-mails...they are HUGE! The "Good Morning, have a good day" or "thinking about you", "hey", "what's up", "can't talk now, call me later", "how's your day" or even "call you in a few". Anything to know he is/was thinking about me, does it for me. I don't need to see or be around him 24/7 or even be in his presence all or even for a day, week or few days. Oh and phone calls long or short will always work, hearing his voice, puts an instant smile on my face. All this because, it's all about the thought that counts!!!
Oh, and I absolutely hate when I send random and/or general text messages and he doesn't respond...WTF! Because I'm sure if I didn't/don't respond to him in a timely manner he would have an issue. So, text messages ease the emotional state of comfort. Calls that go unanswered, should have a minimum of a 5 minute turn around...I get being on a call/not being able to talk at that moment/being busy. But not returning my call within at least an hour is ridiculous!!!
And the whole not spending time with him ALL day or being underneath him all day is stupid!!! Who really needs or even wants that?! I absolutely want and need MY space, so I absolutely will respect his!!! But sometimes I just want to be in his arms, kiss him, touch him or be in his reach... HOWEVER, I have ALOT of free time, and no one wants to be lonely!!! So, just wanting to have lunch with him (in the middle of the day) should be cool. Or hanging out at night and maybe spending the night with him should make sense...
My ADD is more about pleasing him than me!!! I don't want or need a clingy or needy dude...I just want him to want ME, think about and want to spend time with ME!!! Because at the end of the day making him happy is making me happy!!!
So, I will not justify or apologize for my ADD...adding me to his daily regime, means we're all GOOD!!!
My ADD is about the amount of attention my baby gives to me...texts, e-mails, calls through out the day and of course time spent. In the day and age of texts messages and e-mails...they are HUGE! The "Good Morning, have a good day" or "thinking about you", "hey", "what's up", "can't talk now, call me later", "how's your day" or even "call you in a few". Anything to know he is/was thinking about me, does it for me. I don't need to see or be around him 24/7 or even be in his presence all or even for a day, week or few days. Oh and phone calls long or short will always work, hearing his voice, puts an instant smile on my face. All this because, it's all about the thought that counts!!!
Oh, and I absolutely hate when I send random and/or general text messages and he doesn't respond...WTF! Because I'm sure if I didn't/don't respond to him in a timely manner he would have an issue. So, text messages ease the emotional state of comfort. Calls that go unanswered, should have a minimum of a 5 minute turn around...I get being on a call/not being able to talk at that moment/being busy. But not returning my call within at least an hour is ridiculous!!!
And the whole not spending time with him ALL day or being underneath him all day is stupid!!! Who really needs or even wants that?! I absolutely want and need MY space, so I absolutely will respect his!!! But sometimes I just want to be in his arms, kiss him, touch him or be in his reach... HOWEVER, I have ALOT of free time, and no one wants to be lonely!!! So, just wanting to have lunch with him (in the middle of the day) should be cool. Or hanging out at night and maybe spending the night with him should make sense...
My ADD is more about pleasing him than me!!! I don't want or need a clingy or needy dude...I just want him to want ME, think about and want to spend time with ME!!! Because at the end of the day making him happy is making me happy!!!
So, I will not justify or apologize for my ADD...adding me to his daily regime, means we're all GOOD!!!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Excess Baggage
It's funny that airlines now charge you for your excess baggage. Some airlines even charge you for the initial piece of luggage. Which got me to thinking...as we traveling on this journey of love and life, we don't mean to carry excess baggage but we do. We carry the good and the bad of our relationships into the next one. The new person, unknowingly becomes subjected to an emotional strip search; where we try to get them naked, in attempts of trying to rid of the possible bullshit early on. This ultimately, is only a set up for them and we sit back waiting for them to fail. We do try to be better in the new relationship, but know that previous issues linger and some how will continue to haunt.....
Then there's the carry on baggage; security goes through your baggage and identifies the more than 3 allowable flow ounces. Another thought zoomed through my head... It is a scientific known facts that, a human body contains about about 5 liters of blood (a little more than one gallon). Of course, the amount of blood actually held within the heart at any given moment varies on the person (do they have a healthy or defective heart?) With that said, we all would never get through security our head (metaphorically representing security) would stop us every time. We carry excess baggage and have too much love (metaphorically used instead of blood) flowing to our hearts. We fall in love. We are in love. Humans love. And when you are in love and have love your heart beats different. Your heart is functioning for life and love. I guess only the defective (broken hearted) would be allowed to travel....
Sadly, we carry trust issues or the lack there of into relationships. Our communication skills weaken...in the new relationship, we are either more verbal than we need to be (argumentative/combative or providing WAY too much info too soon-scaring potentials off) or not verbal enough (shutting down or never wanting to open up). We put barriers up around our hearts and seem to anticipate the worse to happen. But almost worse than the destructive baggage we carry is the sabotage baggage; that's the baggage of...the inability to allow anyone to ever compare to the previous love...
I find myself constantly comparing any and everything a man does and doesn't do for me, to my baby. Men continue to come up short. No one seems to be chivalrous enough, passionate, compassionate or understanding enough. No one can seem to make me laugh or smile like he does. Men don't look as good or smell as good as he did. I find fault with their cadence of their voice, how they walk and dress...the shape of their noses, the size of their ears, their slant of their teeth, the chapped lips, their body build, if they work out, what they eat or don't eat. And that list can go on. OH and NONE have been adventurous enough and unfortunately...no one seems to stack up.
I also, don't trust a word that comes out of their mouths. I think they all are running game or have some hidden drama and issues that will eventually come out, to hurt me. Their character is always in question. And I listen intensely, waiting for bullshit... for I am allergic to it. My guard is up, not even allowing for any platonic friendships. My expectatins of what I want and need have set a new high.
My baggage is heavy. Erica Badu was talking about me when she wrote that song and I wasn't even listening. I know it's not fair, I suppose with time I'll have to learn how to pack light.
Then there's the carry on baggage; security goes through your baggage and identifies the more than 3 allowable flow ounces. Another thought zoomed through my head... It is a scientific known facts that, a human body contains about about 5 liters of blood (a little more than one gallon). Of course, the amount of blood actually held within the heart at any given moment varies on the person (do they have a healthy or defective heart?) With that said, we all would never get through security our head (metaphorically representing security) would stop us every time. We carry excess baggage and have too much love (metaphorically used instead of blood) flowing to our hearts. We fall in love. We are in love. Humans love. And when you are in love and have love your heart beats different. Your heart is functioning for life and love. I guess only the defective (broken hearted) would be allowed to travel....
Sadly, we carry trust issues or the lack there of into relationships. Our communication skills weaken...in the new relationship, we are either more verbal than we need to be (argumentative/combative or providing WAY too much info too soon-scaring potentials off) or not verbal enough (shutting down or never wanting to open up). We put barriers up around our hearts and seem to anticipate the worse to happen. But almost worse than the destructive baggage we carry is the sabotage baggage; that's the baggage of...the inability to allow anyone to ever compare to the previous love...
I find myself constantly comparing any and everything a man does and doesn't do for me, to my baby. Men continue to come up short. No one seems to be chivalrous enough, passionate, compassionate or understanding enough. No one can seem to make me laugh or smile like he does. Men don't look as good or smell as good as he did. I find fault with their cadence of their voice, how they walk and dress...the shape of their noses, the size of their ears, their slant of their teeth, the chapped lips, their body build, if they work out, what they eat or don't eat. And that list can go on. OH and NONE have been adventurous enough and unfortunately...no one seems to stack up.
I also, don't trust a word that comes out of their mouths. I think they all are running game or have some hidden drama and issues that will eventually come out, to hurt me. Their character is always in question. And I listen intensely, waiting for bullshit... for I am allergic to it. My guard is up, not even allowing for any platonic friendships. My expectatins of what I want and need have set a new high.
My baggage is heavy. Erica Badu was talking about me when she wrote that song and I wasn't even listening. I know it's not fair, I suppose with time I'll have to learn how to pack light.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
2 Scenarios...HOW and WHY he gets CUT!!!
Scenario #1
I think the new socially acceptable way of 'calling' people is to text them first, to ask if they can talk. I think it's silly, but I get it. I actually think only your boo, your parents and/or children have the right to just call without the text preface. I mean, your boo or family shouldn't need permission to call and talk to you. But, I do like this rule in the cases of people, I'd rather not want to talk to. I appreciate the preface text, just so I can reply..."busy let me hit you back later" text. However, there are some that just don't seem to know the 2010 call vs. text rules. They will and do call often, at really bad times, and repeatedly...without ever leaving a voice mail. So sometimes, when I see their calls come in...to avoid the all day annoyance... I answer. And 1 day, after avoiding and ignoring his calls for weeks I answered. And I felt it only nice that I should talk to him and then even decide to...hang out with him.
We decided to meet at 12 to grab some lunch and a movie.
As I'm pulling into the parking lot, I get a call...
"Hey, can we push this back by like 20 minutes? An emergency just came up"
I respond, "Uuuuhhhhmmm, OK." *shrugging my shoulders* as I'm thinking it's only 20 minutes...
And I would've actually been OK until...
"Yeah, just stay in the area and go run some errands or something. I'll hit you up when I'm done."
Hmmmm, WOW! Really? WTF?! Was he just telling me what to do?! Did he just try to put me on his time line? He wasn't my boo nor did he have the authority! I didn't like or appreciate his tone nor his instructions. Maybe I should've let him know, that he should've been happy that I decided to answer my phone and even agree to meet his ass...
We hung up and I went home. 1 hour and 23 minutes later. He actually called.
"So, what's up? Where you at?"
*Laughing out loud* Did he just try the 'www' (what, when, where) with me? Again, he is not my boo!!! I respond, "I'm home and I have plans later so, we're gonna have to rain check.
He obviously was alittle unhappy with my response and stated, "Oh, like that?"
Aaannnnd, "Yes, like that" I hung up my phone. He does not know me like that!!! I could give a shit! He handled the situation and me absolutely inappropriately!!! No, I did not stay in the area, for 20 minutes or an hour and 23 minutes to just go run some errands, while he would hit me when he was done. I don't roll like that!!! Me and my time are valuable!!! I guess he thought, he had it like that... to just call, without the preface text and I respond positively...
I'm now and forever, Busy and will not hit him back later!!!
His ass is CUT!!!
Scenario #2
Playoffs are fun and exciting no matter what the sport. And to watch them in person or at a sports bar, just adds to the excitement. So, with my favorite basketball team being in the finals...of course I would want to be out; at a bar, having a drink, around a fun crowd of other fans. So, when I got an invite to hang out at a cool sports bar in DC.... I happily excepted.
Wanting to get to the spot before it got to crowded, it made since that we would meet in a neutral location at 8pm and go from there....
at 7:45pm I got the following text
beep/beep "on my way"
beep/beep "run'n late"
I respond...OK no problem.
beep/beep "I shud be there in 45 min."
*pausing at this text, confused* I start doing the math in my head...45 minutes, that's 8:30. Not sooo bad. Then...
beep/beep "but we gotta go back to my house, still need to shower & change"
And there goes and here comes the bullshit!
I respond...WTH?! No!
So of course he calls... "What's up?
I politely (probably wasn't polite at all) informed him, that I'm not interested in going to his place (while he showers and changes). Further, he invited me and suggested 8pm and for him now to be running 45 minutes late and still needing to shower and change was extremely inconsiderate of my time and that we would/could rain check for another time. He was annoyed and sarcastically stated that I was "real funny". I was then annoyed by his sarcasm and inability to see his blunder and attempt to make it my issue. I got off the phone and headed to a random area sports bar...I was out, around other excited basketball fans, having a drink and I couldn't have been happier.
He texted and called for the rest of the night. I ignored his texts and calls and will continue to do so. Guess, I'm just being "real funny."
And his ass is CUT too!!!
And just like that...CUT!!! I don't give a shit! I don't care, I could give a fuck! And yeah, so what I'm spoiled!!! I can be! Me and my time are precious! Be there at A Sharp or not at all!!! Additionally, I had no intentions of anything anyway! In both instances, I wanted to get out of the house; get some lunch and a movie and top it off with a few drinks and the NBA finals. These men have no idea who they are dealing with! I didn't, wasn't going to, and had no plans on ever liking them... I have NO LOVE!!!!
And Just like that...How and Why they get, can and will get cut!!!
I think the new socially acceptable way of 'calling' people is to text them first, to ask if they can talk. I think it's silly, but I get it. I actually think only your boo, your parents and/or children have the right to just call without the text preface. I mean, your boo or family shouldn't need permission to call and talk to you. But, I do like this rule in the cases of people, I'd rather not want to talk to. I appreciate the preface text, just so I can reply..."busy let me hit you back later" text. However, there are some that just don't seem to know the 2010 call vs. text rules. They will and do call often, at really bad times, and repeatedly...without ever leaving a voice mail. So sometimes, when I see their calls come in...to avoid the all day annoyance... I answer. And 1 day, after avoiding and ignoring his calls for weeks I answered. And I felt it only nice that I should talk to him and then even decide to...hang out with him.
We decided to meet at 12 to grab some lunch and a movie.
As I'm pulling into the parking lot, I get a call...
"Hey, can we push this back by like 20 minutes? An emergency just came up"
I respond, "Uuuuhhhhmmm, OK." *shrugging my shoulders* as I'm thinking it's only 20 minutes...
And I would've actually been OK until...
"Yeah, just stay in the area and go run some errands or something. I'll hit you up when I'm done."
Hmmmm, WOW! Really? WTF?! Was he just telling me what to do?! Did he just try to put me on his time line? He wasn't my boo nor did he have the authority! I didn't like or appreciate his tone nor his instructions. Maybe I should've let him know, that he should've been happy that I decided to answer my phone and even agree to meet his ass...
We hung up and I went home. 1 hour and 23 minutes later. He actually called.
"So, what's up? Where you at?"
*Laughing out loud* Did he just try the 'www' (what, when, where) with me? Again, he is not my boo!!! I respond, "I'm home and I have plans later so, we're gonna have to rain check.
He obviously was alittle unhappy with my response and stated, "Oh, like that?"
Aaannnnd, "Yes, like that" I hung up my phone. He does not know me like that!!! I could give a shit! He handled the situation and me absolutely inappropriately!!! No, I did not stay in the area, for 20 minutes or an hour and 23 minutes to just go run some errands, while he would hit me when he was done. I don't roll like that!!! Me and my time are valuable!!! I guess he thought, he had it like that... to just call, without the preface text and I respond positively...
I'm now and forever, Busy and will not hit him back later!!!
His ass is CUT!!!
Scenario #2
Playoffs are fun and exciting no matter what the sport. And to watch them in person or at a sports bar, just adds to the excitement. So, with my favorite basketball team being in the finals...of course I would want to be out; at a bar, having a drink, around a fun crowd of other fans. So, when I got an invite to hang out at a cool sports bar in DC.... I happily excepted.
Wanting to get to the spot before it got to crowded, it made since that we would meet in a neutral location at 8pm and go from there....
at 7:45pm I got the following text
beep/beep "on my way"
beep/beep "run'n late"
I respond...OK no problem.
beep/beep "I shud be there in 45 min."
*pausing at this text, confused* I start doing the math in my head...45 minutes, that's 8:30. Not sooo bad. Then...
beep/beep "but we gotta go back to my house, still need to shower & change"
And there goes and here comes the bullshit!
I respond...WTH?! No!
So of course he calls... "What's up?
I politely (probably wasn't polite at all) informed him, that I'm not interested in going to his place (while he showers and changes). Further, he invited me and suggested 8pm and for him now to be running 45 minutes late and still needing to shower and change was extremely inconsiderate of my time and that we would/could rain check for another time. He was annoyed and sarcastically stated that I was "real funny". I was then annoyed by his sarcasm and inability to see his blunder and attempt to make it my issue. I got off the phone and headed to a random area sports bar...I was out, around other excited basketball fans, having a drink and I couldn't have been happier.
He texted and called for the rest of the night. I ignored his texts and calls and will continue to do so. Guess, I'm just being "real funny."
And his ass is CUT too!!!
And just like that...CUT!!! I don't give a shit! I don't care, I could give a fuck! And yeah, so what I'm spoiled!!! I can be! Me and my time are precious! Be there at A Sharp or not at all!!! Additionally, I had no intentions of anything anyway! In both instances, I wanted to get out of the house; get some lunch and a movie and top it off with a few drinks and the NBA finals. These men have no idea who they are dealing with! I didn't, wasn't going to, and had no plans on ever liking them... I have NO LOVE!!!!
And Just like that...How and Why they get, can and will get cut!!!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Anybody out there?
I read or maybe heard a quote about relationships, 'the greater the hurt and pain the harder the process to heal.' and with that I began to think... WOW, so will I ever heal? I'm convinced I'm damaged goods at this point. I have NO want, need, or desire to give my love to anyone anymore. Nor do I even feel like being bothered with relationships. So, I must agree with the quote...and acknowledge my journey of healing to be a great feat, if not even impossible.
I've let myself go...even grow; remember I still have a goonie goo goo growing between my legs. I now pull my hair back, more often than usual. I've decided to wear clothes for comfort versus my super cute ensembles, during my outings. AND I've resorted to flats when I go out-Very odd! Because if you follow my blog; you know I LOVE my stilettos! I'm down right mean to any man that tries to talk to me now. And I must say, my attitude toward men in general these days SUCKS!!! I just don't care and don't want to try anymore. None of this is to be concluded that...I'm now bitter and or have no self love. On the contrary!!! I am absolutely not bitter, but better! And I absolutely love myself. My priorities have just changed...and loving or giving love to undeserving men is not important to me anymore!!!
I do however, remember great love and what it felt like... So on my journey, I do I wonder...is there anybody out there?!
Is there anybody out there that can or will make me laugh and smile like he did? Is there anybody out there that can or will love me like he did? Will he care for and take care of me? Will we talk and play? Will we go here, there and no where? Will he pull my card and put me in check when I need to be spanked? Will he spank me?! Is there anybody out there that will hold me at night like he did. Will he look in my eyes and I know what it means? Will he understand my sporadic whims and fluctuations of love making and fucking? Is there anybody out here even deserving of what I have to offer? Will he appreciate me and cherish my heart? Will he know me? Is there any body out there that will love ME?
Is there anybody out there that could help me on my journey of healing? And if he's out there, would I even give him a chance?
I've let myself go...even grow; remember I still have a goonie goo goo growing between my legs. I now pull my hair back, more often than usual. I've decided to wear clothes for comfort versus my super cute ensembles, during my outings. AND I've resorted to flats when I go out-Very odd! Because if you follow my blog; you know I LOVE my stilettos! I'm down right mean to any man that tries to talk to me now. And I must say, my attitude toward men in general these days SUCKS!!! I just don't care and don't want to try anymore. None of this is to be concluded that...I'm now bitter and or have no self love. On the contrary!!! I am absolutely not bitter, but better! And I absolutely love myself. My priorities have just changed...and loving or giving love to undeserving men is not important to me anymore!!!
I do however, remember great love and what it felt like... So on my journey, I do I wonder...is there anybody out there?!
Is there anybody out there that can or will make me laugh and smile like he did? Is there anybody out there that can or will love me like he did? Will he care for and take care of me? Will we talk and play? Will we go here, there and no where? Will he pull my card and put me in check when I need to be spanked? Will he spank me?! Is there anybody out there that will hold me at night like he did. Will he look in my eyes and I know what it means? Will he understand my sporadic whims and fluctuations of love making and fucking? Is there anybody out here even deserving of what I have to offer? Will he appreciate me and cherish my heart? Will he know me? Is there any body out there that will love ME?
Is there anybody out there that could help me on my journey of healing? And if he's out there, would I even give him a chance?
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Conversation with The salseman...
We just met! We've chatted. We had lunch. We had 1 drink!
Why would I want to go back to your place? What is MY motivation? I'm not attracted to you. And nothing about you screams...'hot, sexy, lover'
FYI, I hate overly aggressive and way too persistent men. The salesman tactics don't work on me...the whole sale me a red popsicle, while wearing my white gloves in ninety degree weather...doesn't and will never work unless I want it to...
No...you're not a good catch. I don't find you attractive. Your conversation is boring. And no, you're not the man of my dreams. And absolutely not...I don't NEED you. Yeah, I probably would look good holding your hand...but that's because I look good anyway. And yep, everybody needs love...but I don't need yours. I choose to be alone, because of men like you. Oh additionally, I love me more than I would ever love you. So....Econ 101, consumers buy what they want... and I don't want you!!!
You're sales pitch SUCKS!!!
Why would I want to go back to your place? What is MY motivation? I'm not attracted to you. And nothing about you screams...'hot, sexy, lover'
FYI, I hate overly aggressive and way too persistent men. The salesman tactics don't work on me...the whole sale me a red popsicle, while wearing my white gloves in ninety degree weather...doesn't and will never work unless I want it to...
No...you're not a good catch. I don't find you attractive. Your conversation is boring. And no, you're not the man of my dreams. And absolutely not...I don't NEED you. Yeah, I probably would look good holding your hand...but that's because I look good anyway. And yep, everybody needs love...but I don't need yours. I choose to be alone, because of men like you. Oh additionally, I love me more than I would ever love you. So....Econ 101, consumers buy what they want... and I don't want you!!!
You're sales pitch SUCKS!!!
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