Excess Baggage

It's funny that airlines now charge you for your excess baggage. Some airlines even charge you for the initial piece of luggage. Which got me to thinking...as we traveling on this journey of love and life, we don't mean to carry excess baggage but we do. We carry the good and the bad of our relationships into the next one. The new person, unknowingly becomes subjected to an emotional strip search; where we try to get them naked, in attempts of trying to rid of the possible bullshit early on. This ultimately, is only a set up for them and we sit back waiting for them to fail. We do try to be better in the new relationship, but know that previous issues linger and some how will continue to haunt.....

Then there's the carry on baggage; security goes through your baggage and identifies the more than 3 allowable flow ounces. Another thought zoomed through my head... It is a scientific known facts that, a human body contains about about 5 liters of blood (a little more than one gallon). Of course, the amount of blood actually held within the heart at any given moment varies on the person (do they have a healthy or defective heart?) With that said, we all would never get through security our head (metaphorically representing security) would stop us every time. We carry excess baggage and have too much love (metaphorically used instead of blood) flowing to our hearts. We fall in love. We are in love. Humans love. And when you are in love and have love your heart beats different. Your heart is functioning for life and love. I guess only the defective (broken hearted) would be allowed to travel....

Sadly, we carry trust issues or the lack there of into relationships. Our communication skills weaken...in the new relationship, we are either more verbal than we need to be (argumentative/combative or providing WAY too much info too soon-scaring potentials off) or not verbal enough (shutting down or never wanting to open up). We put barriers up around our hearts and seem to anticipate the worse to happen. But almost worse than the destructive baggage we carry is the sabotage baggage; that's the baggage of...the inability to allow anyone to ever compare to the previous love...

I find myself constantly comparing any and everything a man does and doesn't do for me, to my baby. Men continue to come up short. No one seems to be chivalrous enough, passionate, compassionate or understanding enough. No one can seem to make me laugh or smile like he does. Men don't look as good or smell as good as he did. I find fault with their cadence of their voice, how they walk and dress...the shape of their noses, the size of their ears, their slant of their teeth, the chapped lips, their body build, if they work out, what they eat or don't eat. And that list can go on. OH and NONE have been adventurous enough and unfortunately...no one seems to stack up.

I also, don't trust a word that comes out of their mouths. I think they all are running game or have some hidden drama and issues that will eventually come out, to hurt me. Their character is always in question. And I listen intensely, waiting for bullshit... for I am allergic to it. My guard is up, not even allowing for any platonic friendships. My expectatins of what I want and need have set a new high.

My baggage is heavy. Erica Badu was talking about me when she wrote that song and I wasn't even listening. I know it's not fair, I suppose with time I'll have to learn how to pack light.

2 Scenarios...HOW and WHY he gets CUT!!!

Scenario #1

I think the new socially acceptable way of 'calling' people is to text them first, to ask if they can talk. I think it's silly, but I get it. I actually think only your boo, your parents and/or children have the right to just call without the text preface. I mean, your boo or family shouldn't need permission to call and talk to you. But, I do like this rule in the cases of people, I'd rather not want to talk to. I appreciate the preface text, just so I can reply..."busy let me hit you back later" text. However, there are some that just don't seem to know the 2010 call vs. text rules. They will and do call often, at really bad times, and repeatedly...without ever leaving a voice mail. So sometimes, when I see their calls come in...to avoid the all day annoyance... I answer. And 1 day, after avoiding and ignoring his calls for weeks I answered. And I felt it only nice that I should talk to him and then even decide to...hang out with him.

We decided to meet at 12 to grab some lunch and a movie.
As I'm pulling into the parking lot, I get a call...

"Hey, can we push this back by like 20 minutes? An emergency just came up"

I respond, "Uuuuhhhhmmm, OK." *shrugging my shoulders* as I'm thinking it's only 20 minutes...

And I would've actually been OK until...

"Yeah, just stay in the area and go run some errands or something. I'll hit you up when I'm done."

Hmmmm, WOW! Really? WTF?! Was he just telling me what to do?! Did he just try to put me on his time line? He wasn't my boo nor did he have the authority! I didn't like or appreciate his tone nor his instructions. Maybe I should've let him know, that he should've been happy that I decided to answer my phone and even agree to meet his ass...

We hung up and I went home. 1 hour and 23 minutes later. He actually called.

"So, what's up? Where you at?"

*Laughing out loud* Did he just try the 'www' (what, when, where) with me? Again, he is not my boo!!! I respond, "I'm home and I have plans later so, we're gonna have to rain check.

He obviously was alittle unhappy with my response and stated, "Oh, like that?"

Aaannnnd, "Yes, like that" I hung up my phone. He does not know me like that!!! I could give a shit! He handled the situation and me absolutely inappropriately!!! No, I did not stay in the area, for 20 minutes or an hour and 23 minutes to just go run some errands, while he would hit me when he was done. I don't roll like that!!! Me and my time are valuable!!! I guess he thought, he had it like that... to just call, without the preface text and I respond positively...

I'm now and forever, Busy and will not hit him back later!!!

His ass is CUT!!!

Scenario #2

Playoffs are fun and exciting no matter what the sport. And to watch them in person or at a sports bar, just adds to the excitement. So, with my favorite basketball team being in the finals...of course I would want to be out; at a bar, having a drink, around a fun crowd of other fans. So, when I got an invite to hang out at a cool sports bar in DC.... I happily excepted.

Wanting to get to the spot before it got to crowded, it made since that we would meet in a neutral location at 8pm and go from there....


at 7:45pm I got the following text
beep/beep "on my way"
beep/beep "run'n late"

I respond...OK no problem.

beep/beep "I shud be there in 45 min."

*pausing at this text, confused* I start doing the math in my head...45 minutes, that's 8:30. Not sooo bad. Then...

beep/beep "but we gotta go back to my house, still need to shower & change"

And there goes and here comes the bullshit!

I respond...WTH?! No!

So of course he calls... "What's up?

I politely (probably wasn't polite at all) informed him, that I'm not interested in going to his place (while he showers and changes). Further, he invited me and suggested 8pm and for him now to be running 45 minutes late and still needing to shower and change was extremely inconsiderate of my time and that we would/could rain check for another time. He was annoyed and sarcastically stated that I was "real funny". I was then annoyed by his sarcasm and inability to see his blunder and attempt to make it my issue. I got off the phone and headed to a random area sports bar...I was out, around other excited basketball fans, having a drink and I couldn't have been happier.

He texted and called for the rest of the night. I ignored his texts and calls and will continue to do so. Guess, I'm just being "real funny."

And his ass is CUT too!!!

And just like that...CUT!!! I don't give a shit! I don't care, I could give a fuck! And yeah, so what I'm spoiled!!! I can be! Me and my time are precious! Be there at A Sharp or not at all!!! Additionally, I had no intentions of anything anyway! In both instances, I wanted to get out of the house; get some lunch and a movie and top it off with a few drinks and the NBA finals. These men have no idea who they are dealing with! I didn't, wasn't going to, and had no plans on ever liking them... I have NO LOVE!!!!

And Just like that...How and Why they get, can and will get cut!!!

Anybody out there?

I read or maybe heard a quote about relationships, 'the greater the hurt and pain the harder the process to heal.' and with that I began to think... WOW, so will I ever heal? I'm convinced I'm damaged goods at this point. I have NO want, need, or desire to give my love to anyone anymore. Nor do I even feel like being bothered with relationships. So, I must agree with the quote...and acknowledge my journey of healing to be a great feat, if not even impossible.

I've let myself go...even grow; remember I still have a goonie goo goo growing between my legs. I now pull my hair back, more often than usual. I've decided to wear clothes for comfort versus my super cute ensembles, during my outings. AND I've resorted to flats when I go out-Very odd! Because if you follow my blog; you know I LOVE my stilettos! I'm down right mean to any man that tries to talk to me now. And I must say, my attitude toward men in general these days SUCKS!!! I just don't care and don't want to try anymore. None of this is to be concluded that...I'm now bitter and or have no self love. On the contrary!!! I am absolutely not bitter, but better! And I absolutely love myself. My priorities have just changed...and loving or giving love to undeserving men is not important to me anymore!!!

I do however, remember great love and what it felt like... So on my journey, I do I wonder...is there anybody out there?!

Is there anybody out there that can or will make me laugh and smile like he did? Is there anybody out there that can or will love me like he did? Will he care for and take care of me? Will we talk and play? Will we go here, there and no where? Will he pull my card and put me in check when I need to be spanked? Will he spank me?! Is there anybody out there that will hold me at night like he did. Will he look in my eyes and I know what it means? Will he understand my sporadic whims and fluctuations of love making and fucking? Is there anybody out here even deserving of what I have to offer? Will he appreciate me and cherish my heart? Will he know me? Is there any body out there that will love ME?

Is there anybody out there that could help me on my journey of healing? And if he's out there, would I even give him a chance?

Conversation with The salseman...

We just met! We've chatted. We had lunch. We had 1 drink!
Why would I want to go back to your place? What is MY motivation? I'm not attracted to you. And nothing about you screams...'hot, sexy, lover'

FYI, I hate overly aggressive and way too persistent men. The salesman tactics don't work on me...the whole sale me a red popsicle, while wearing my white gloves in ninety degree weather...doesn't and will never work unless I want it to...

No...you're not a good catch. I don't find you attractive. Your conversation is boring. And no, you're not the man of my dreams. And absolutely not...I don't NEED you. Yeah, I probably would look good holding your hand...but that's because I look good anyway. And yep, everybody needs love...but I don't need yours. I choose to be alone, because of men like you. Oh additionally, I love me more than I would ever love you. So....Econ 101, consumers buy what they want... and I don't want you!!!

You're sales pitch SUCKS!!!

Monogamous Man?!

Is there a such thing as a monogamous man or if men can really be in a monogamous relationship....

***I actually think some men can be and want to be monogamous... but don't know how. I think they want and need companionship in life but just can't seem to get it right. I think the player thing and all the variety has to get old and at the end of the day, being a player I'm sure can be and gets lonely.

I actually think a man can have a really hott, attractive woman with everything he wants type, but still want something else. Because even if with the hotter, more attractive and gives it up more and better, there is always...Temptation! Which should be just that, temptation. The 'wants', the 'feels good' and 'desirable', but that doesn't necessarily mean he has to act on it. Is it really men's egos? Do men really need or have to fuck all the women they can?

And what about the internal?! The emotional and mental make up of a woman?! Who a woman really is and her character make up?! Hmmmm, and do men really look for that woman that has their equal philosophies and morals in life. Or better yet, think about if that woman has their equal sexual desire?!

I think we are all sexual beings and some men are just more than others. Biologically, I don't think men are meant to be monogamous. They are hard wired to find the best mate to propagate our species. And although some species do exhibit monogamous behavior, I believe it is less common in primates overall.


So, I wonder if an open relationship could or would fix some of those relationships that can't handle the monogamy. Does that mean, when you agree to an open relationship that the couple actually just wants to keep their options open for something better. And that the couple is settling until that better comes along?! So, is that couple then not considering that the current is the best?! Hmmm, and what about catching feelings with another person while being in an open relationship? If the open relationship is in place to just keep the couples options open, I suppose I wouldn't recommend hanging around for too long if monogamy isn't going to be an option.

So what is acceptable for a woman to agree or not agree to in her relationship?
And are women then lowering their standards and requiring less of men because they are afraid to lose them? I suppose a lot of women do things out of insecurities and don't want the "possible" good one to get away. But then let him get away with bullshit... with fears of not getting or finding better?! Unfortunately, I think it's hard for women to be truly secure with themselves because men keep us on the fence. I think women are insecure by nature and often measure, compare and compete with other women. Because of and for men. We compare and second guess our looks, worth and physical value's instead of doing it for ourselves.

I actually think commitment and exclusivity mean different things, people seem to intertwine them, which makes relationships difficult. I do however, believe that commitment means a man is ready to be in a relationship... BUT it doesn't necessarily mean he will be exclusive or monogamous, which by definition means...The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time. I think with commitment he just decided to be committed, which by definition means...A pledge or the state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons to one woman. And with the commitment, it's not whether he can be monogamous, it's whether he can admit that he is and will be.

Unfortunately, I just don't think people have old morals anymore...I don't think there is respect for relationships, commitment and exclusivity anymore. What happen to peoples sense of self and self worth? Moreover the importance of love, sex, relationships and what it all really means.


Sooo, with all that blah, blah, blah and blah said...I know I'm a sexual being, I know I have strong sexual desires but doesn't mean I have to go elsewhere if they're not being met at every moment. I absolutely believe in a committed relationship. I'm old fashioned, with old time morals and views on relationships. I love love, I want to grow old with someone. I like being a committed and FAITHFUL person. I refuse to gamble with my health with multiple partners and would hope that my partner feels the same... when it comes down to it, if you love someone, and truly do, why would you want anything else? Sure, the relationship may have it's low points...those ugly, bad and worse times. And sure maybe there are moments of wanting something new, different or whatever, but life and love isn't all about the physical and that's what people don't understand anymore.

Everyone is meant to find their diamond...a monogamous relationship in the rough. Diamonds are rare; but once you find it, you keep it, cherish it...because like diamonds...love is also forever.

BAr gaMes

Is it wrong that while chilling, having a drink and minding my own damn business...a guy began trying to talk to me and all I wanted to do was play the game at the end of the bar? You know the games that you have to feed quarters/dollars to play random puzzle, strategy, card or casino type games? You don't win and can just waste money...Worse part, I don't even play those games.

I guess, everybody has some type of game...some women may play; shy and passively flirty or outgoing and aggressively flirtatious. Some men may play; over confidant and over interested or swag like and charming or maybe even quirky, corny cute. Either way...conversation is SUPER IMPORTANT!!!

I was truly just wanting a night out, to watch the game, and to have a drink. I suppose I was in some kinda mood, but I know I didn't really want to be bothered. I mean I didn't even wear my heels... But without fail...some dude felt it his duty to come up to me and try to; I guess 'make my night'. He was unattractive, which didn't motivate me look at him. He was dressed like he had just got outta bed, so I was distracted by his lack of enthusiasm for his own outer appearance. And his topics of conversation were boring. His lame attempts to engage me in conversation about travel, college, career, and sports left me completely un-enthused and wanting to just put quarters in the machine next to me.

I felt sad for him, because he probably is a nice guy but has no clue how to talk to women. And the worse thing, was his over zealous actions of trying to be the man. There should be an FYI out there for men...some women can buy their own drinks! Some women actually watch and know about sports oh and some women don't give shit about how much money you make. Additionally, dumb ass pick up lines like... "you from Tennessee? Cause you the only ten I see", or "is your daddy a terrorist? Cause Girl, you are the bomb" DO NOT work! Dry ass humor, fake ass attempts to be prince charming and overly aggressive and egotistical behaviors are failures!!! At the end of the day, most women just want a guy to be cool, maybe have a little sense of humor and have thoughtful conversation. I think allowing us (the woman) to decide if we want to move forward in any direction of a relationship. frienship or NOT is the best play of the day!

So, I was completely annoyed and just wanted him to go away. The conversations around me seemed more interesting and I ear hustled as much as I could, trying to entertain myself. I eventually, swallowed my food down in 10 minutes and gulped my drink. I requested my check so I could just leave, I mean RUN and not even care about who won the game. The guy actually asked if I was a regular and mentioned hoping to see me again soon. I suppose without being completely rude, I was pleasant enough for him to think I liked him. But I just nodded and said, "maybe, enjoy your night".

He and his game were lame!!! I should've changed the mode and provided him with game strategies on how to step to a woman! Or, maybe, he would've got the hint if I had just played the game at the end of the bar.

Wedding Weekend...

Weddings provoke all types of emotions. There is absolute joy for the happy couple. Depending if you're friend or family to the bride or groom you then can also feel sadness, to see them and how they have grown. If you have children of your own, you begin to think of how your child's ceremony may be. And the emotions are endless; the tears of joy, the emense happiness, and of course that thing called love. I love weddings, love to plan and attend them, but unfortunately have never had one of my own. We just went to the justice of the piece. I should've known then. LOL.

And so...this weekend, I went to a wedding and went through a wave of emotions. All types of feelings went through my body...happy, anger, joy, sadness, delight and even a little disappointment... But before I go into my pitiful emotionally unstable state...the weekend was GREAT!!!

The weather was perfect and beautiful, the ocean water was brilliant, ALL the food all weekend long was amazing, the hotel was fabulous, the people were pleasant, I had spectacular sex, and just had a phenonmeal weekend!!! We partied like rocks stars...gay men hit on my date (HILARIOUS!!!), I saw a completely naked man dancing with a pink boa, we danced and drank till who knows what time in the am, and I got toys from the sex store... Oh, and I looked cute, which always helps make the day/night that much better....

As for the wedding. The bride was georgeous and her ceremony was perfectly lovely...but as the day progressed, I fought back the tears the entire time. The occasion was joyous and I was delighted for the couple. But I couldn't help but think of my failed marriage and what marriage is about and what love really means. I have no regrets that I ended my marriage. It was the best thing I could've done for my self. But now, I never want to marry again. And I couldn't help think about the love of my life and his marriage. I can and will never understand how, I found myself in that situation and I don't know if I will ever fully recover from the experience. But what I couldn't help think about most was the concept of love...

We have no control who we fall in love with. And once you find and have love, it should be cherished. Love is special! Love should never be taken for granted and people have to really begin to value what it means when someone gives you love and their heart. Love should be protected always and can't and should never just be thrown away. I may never marry again, or get MY wedding. But I do know what love feels like...I know how it looks at me, holds me, smiles at me, and a love like that can never be replaced...

Through all the sadness, I felt love during a wedding weekend.